A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 64) Daenerys VIII: You've Just Had Some Kind of Mushroom

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, things happened offscreen.

George is on Creepy Old Man form this time, mentioning Dany's sweaty breasts by the end of the second paragraph.

Turns out, Drogo's got a present from deal old Grandpa Nurgle. Flies are buzzing all around him and he's basically catatonic. After a page of this, he falls off his horse. It takes a special talent to stretch that out into a full page, and George has it.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 63) Catelyn X: Men on the Chessboard

This is where a local map would come in handy.

Apparently Riverrun is situated so that the army besieging it has to split up into three separate camps. A competent commander, therefore, would be concerned about having his forces attacked one-by-one and defeated in detail, but Jaime Lannister is kind of a tool.

And an impatient tool, too. Jamie has ridden out to chase off raiders in order to stave off the boredom of a siege. Robb decides to take advantage of the fact that Jaime is actually deeply stupid. I'm coming to the conclusion that Robb's not a strategic genius so much as everyone else in this setting (save certain Lannisters) is deeply stupid. 

But we don't get any of the good stuff, dear reader, because George apparently doesn't want to let us get inside the heads of any of the Five Kings. Nor are we allowed to have Jaime as a POV character yet - mostly because his characterization in this book could be summed up as "stupid incestuous asshole," and it's a bit too late in this book to start doing some character development. So instead we have to let Catelyn Stark stand on the sidelines and fret while someone else fights her battles for her.

Again.

This is unfair, I know, because Catelyn is a) old for the setting and b) a woman in a sometimes-"hard" fantasy setting. But you know what? I don't care. Catelyn Stark is not and will never be my favorite character, and frankly it's a chore to get through her stuff while the action is happening off-page. 

George was a TV writer for a while, so I wonder if this was his way of skimping on the budget. Frankly unnecessary because, hey, it's a book. So we have to hear about the battle secondhand once it's over. Jaime tried to kill Robb when he saw he'd lost the battle, and Torrhen and Eddard Karstark gave their lives to save Robb's. Now their father Rickard wants vengeance for their deaths. Hmm, maybe the whole "father to his men" trope is overrated, Robb? I mean it's great that your followers will die for you, but that kinda seems like it's more trouble than it's worth.

Theon Greyjoy also wants to just kill Jaime and be done with it, but at least Robb understands the value of a hostage. (And, um, remember: Theon is a hostage. He's with the Starks because the deal is they'll kill him if his father gets uppity. Robb might want to remember this...)

Okay, so they captured Jaime, but the Lannister host is still besieging Riverrun. Still, that's bound to upset the balance of power, no?

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 62) Tyrion VIII: IT'S A TRAP!!!!

We are back, ladies and gentlethings! 

Previously on A Game of Thrones, Daenerys surveyed the aftermath of a battle we didn't actually get to see. Is George teasing us?

A Blog of Ice and Fire (Chapter 61) Daenerys VII: It’s Just A Flesh Wound

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, we wondered What Would Ned Do? Because this is a question worth asking, apparently. Well, buckle your seatbelts, dumplings. We're going for a ride.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 60) Jon VIII: Jon, I Am Your Great-Great-Great-Uncle

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, I ran out of ways to say what Catelyn's doing is really really shortsighted and dumb.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 59) Catelyn IX: It’s a Double castle, over a Crossing. Get it?

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, Ned Stark ruminated on some terrible life choices. Today on A Blog of Thrones, Catelyn makes a terrible life choice.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 58) Eddard XV: Loved I Not Honor More

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, we changed the title of the post at the last minute. It was originally going to be "Meet the New Boss," but that's a line from a song called "Won't Get Fooled Again," and, well...

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 57) Sansa V: Barristan Selmy Quits Like A Boss

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, we met the Lannister patriarch, talked about hair, and posted a picture of Daniel Craig for clickbait.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 56) Tyrion VII: Don Lannister

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, I decided to hypnotize some chickens in lieu of discussing Robb's battle tactics. In today's post, I include a picture of James Bond to spare myself having to discuss the Lannister battle tactics either.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 55) Catelyn VIII: And A Child Shall Lead Them

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, either Robert's final failure brought the chickens home to roost, or else Varys's plot ran exactly as planned.

You really can't tell with these sorts of things.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 54) Daenerys VI: Bond Villain Stupidity

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, Bran was mopey. But not because he was a cripple, for once.

Daenerys is naked again, because she spends an awful lot of this book in fairly compromising positions. Speaking of fairly compromising positions, I thought I'd share with you the sexiest thing I found on Reddit the weekend of the nude celeb photo scandal. It's just below the fold (and perfectly safe for work).

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 53) Bran VI: Something’s wrong with Robb’s leadership style, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

With the irritating repetition and tedious inevitability of a stupid commercial on YouTube, it is time yet again for a Bran chapter. I've got my sinuses all bogged up so I can't smell the stench of self-loathing. On the plus side, now I can do that nasal whine all the modern male singers use. And it could always be worse; I could suddenly decide that what I need in my life is an obsession with MOBAs.

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, Jon Snow broke. I still haven't explained that. Hahahahahahaha.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 52) Jon VII: The Sleepwalking Dead

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, we spent three chapters watching things go entirely to pot in King's Landing.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 51) Sansa IV: Be Careful What You Wish For

Previously on A Game of Thrones, one Stark girl managed to escape (with a lot of luck/help/reluctance). How'd the other one do?

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 50) Arya IV: Still Less Ridiculous than Yoda With A Lightsaber

Previously on A Game of Thrones Littleprick was a little prick.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 49) Eddard XIV: Well, I Didn’t Vote For You

G'day.

If you are reading this brubbery you have less sense than Eddard Stark in a Small Council meeting. We all know what happens - it's a very short chapter -  and my comments tend to be less snarky and more meligrubrious. The Oxford English Dictionary has not yet come up with a definition for "meligrubrious," so let me coin one: Pointless, hate-fueled frippery, or: what Democrats think of every Republican talking point.

Previously on I HATE SAM HE SLOWS DOWN THE PLOT AND ADDS NOTHING OF VALUE, AND THIS IS DOUBLY TRUE ON THAT "ADAPTATION" PORNO HBO IS DOING, Ned Stark continued to bungle his way through a succession crisis.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 48) Jon VI: “Obey Orders” is Curiously Absent From That Oath

Previously on A Game of Thrones, King Robert developed a sudden and entirely unforeseeable case of boar-tusk-through-the-jamberbellies.  Previously in a Jon Snow chapter, we learned that King Leonidas Jon Snow is not.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 47) Eddard XIII: You Say You Want A Revolution

Previously on A Game of Thrones, a B-list character died. The clock is now running; how long will he remain the Most Important Dead Guy?

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 46) Daenerys V: Beggars Can’t Be Boozers

Previously on A Game of Thrones, Ned Stark made the least worst decision for the wrong reasons.

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 45) Eddard XII: A Family Affair

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, Sansa Stark had a no good rotten day, Ned Stark appeared to have a revelation, and Arya Stark appeared to develop a split personality. Only one of these things will be followed through in this chapter, and it's the one we all saw coming from 200 pages back.

Fortunately it's also the one that actually drives the frickin' plot. So there's that.