Previously on A Game of Thrones, Daenerys surveyed the aftermath of a battle we didn't actually get to see. Is George teasing us?
Tywin Lannister is eating in style. There has been a march; they are now "on a hill overlooking the kingsroad." There is a surprising amount of byplay between two men who are supposed to utterly hate each other - and please remember, in a feudal society like this, Tywin's wealth is pretty much the only reason Tyrion's alive. Smallfolk couldn't afford a crippled son. Tyrion's a prat, a prat who is completely preoccupied with food and japes on the eve of frickin' battle. Tyrion learns that he is to serve under Ser Gregor in the vanguard, at which point he loses his appetite.
We also learn that Kevan Lannister is basically Tywin's own personal vanguard, voicing Tywin's opinions for him, for some reason. Perhaps because Tywin doesn't care to waste more words than he has to.
Anyway Tyrion leaves and hopes they all choke on the pigs they're eating. The pigs he was obsessing over a moment ago. I don't think we're actually meant to take this guy for a hero, folks. He's kind of a prat.
A paragraph later, he's moping that he's alone. Well, yes. You left the table of thinkers and schemers and went to wander among the warriors, which you are not. Yes, you are alone. Prat.
Tyrion has sent Bronn off to find him a whore; Bronn returns with Shae, who is maybe eighteen and definitely a whore. Shae says the truth of what she is will cost him double, and that doesn't bother him because after all this is Tyrion Lannister, who has never worked an honest day in his life and has no idea what money is. Prat.
(Aside: I would probably not be hating on Tyrion so much if the show version wasn't so bloody whitewashed. And if he doesn't murder my favorite character later on.)
Anyway, they, to put it indelicately, f*ck. Afterwards, Tyrion talks to Bronn, who throws sass at him. Tyrion remarks that Tywin would have thrown Bronn in the mines for that. Reminder that Tyrion was throwing sass at Tywin back at the beginning of this very chapter. Prat.
The next morning, Shae is frightened because trumpets are blaring. Robb Stark stole a march on them and is on their doorstep. Tyrion dresses in his armor. Surprisingly for a dwarf with minimal physical skill, Tyrion owns a full suit of custom-made armor... oh, right, because he doesn't know what money is. Anyway, that's back at Casterly Rock, so he has to make do with whatever he can find.
We get a description of the Lannister order of battle and learn that Tyrion somehow knows that Tywin usually commands the reserve. Tyrion was, what, five during the last war? (The Greyjoy Rebellion was, as I recall, fought off the mainland, so it's unlikely Tyrion witnessed that either.) Obviously Tywin, Kevan or Jaime told him at some point, though one wonders how Jaime would know this, having been kept at King's Landing for the entire war. Was Tywin sharing tactics discussions with his loathed demonspawn?
Tywin's wearing a fairly ridiculous suit of armor. Not entirely convinced he know what money is, either, but then this guy is old for the setting and not likely to actually be in the thick of the fighting. In contrast, the Mountain is wearing armor of "steel plate, dull grey, scarred by hard use and showing neither sigil nor ornament." This guy knows what's what, and that it's the effing Mountain is a very sobering thought.
Tyrion notes that the entire left flank, which he's stuck in, is made up of untrained, poorly-armed men and commanded by the effing Mountain, who is not exactly known for his tactical brilliance.
The Stark army throws itself into Lannister volleys, and the Mountain charges forward. The Stark formation begins to shatter before Tyrion is set upon, at which point we lose any tactical view of the battlefield and are reduced to Tyrion's personal experience of an enemy knight trying to murder him. After he headbutts a horse (great move), the battle moves on. Tywin had planned for Tyrion's flank to collapse; he was going to have Kevan take Stark in the flank as Stark moved in for the kill. Even though that didn't work, Tywin appears to have won an easy victory...
Only Robb Stark wasn't here.
Also Roose Bolton escaped. I'm sure that won't be a problem.
So this is really the first battle we get to see, and we really don't get to see much of it, because GRRM has this thing about never showing us the POV of "leadership." No Tywin, no Stannis, no Robb, ever. The closest we get are Jon and Tyrion, the guys who grew up children of privilege but who don't see themselves as such and generally aren't treated as such. I kind of get what he's going for, but I won't pretend it's not annoying.
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