Still more incorrect Warhammer quotes

 Russ: HELP! I TOLD KHAN I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK!

Corax, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Horus: While I’m gone, Mortarion, you’re in charge.
Mortarion: Yes!!!
Horus, whispering: Typhus, you’re secretly in charge.
Typhus: Obviously.

Curze: I prevented a murder today.
Lorgar: Really? How’d you do that?
Curze: self control.

Magnus: Can you keep a secret?
Tzeentch: Do you know anything about my life?
Magnus: No I do not. Good point.

E-Money: Tonight, one of you will betray us.
Lion: Is it me, E-Money?
E-Money: No, it’s not you.
Russ: Is it me, E-Money?
E-Money: It’s not you either.
Lorgar: Is it me, E-Money?
E-Money:
E-Money, mockingly: Is IT mE E-Money?

Russ: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.
Corax: Russ no.
Khan: Mistlefoe.
Corax: Please stop encouraging him.

Mortarion: Dammit, Nurgle!
Nurgle: What?! It wasn’t me!
Mortarion: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Typhus!
Typhus: Not me either.
Mortarion: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
Horus: *whistles*

Magnus: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?
Ahriman: Rude.
Angron: That’s fair.
Horus: Not again.
Fulgrim: Are you going to want this back?

Curze: You're right.
Lorgar: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

Emprah, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!
Horus: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

Guilliman: What time is it?
Dante: I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out
Dante: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*
Seth: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING
Dante: It’s 2 am

Curze: i went through an entire character arc during quarantine
Curze: i became more evil if you’re curious
Horus: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still!
Curze: i’m going to get worse on purpose.

Angron: Sanguinius! My face is on fire!
Sanguinius: Angron! Are you ok?!
Angron: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.
Sanguinius: But your face is on fire.
Angron: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

Abaddon: Hey Fulgrim,
Fulgrim: Yes?
Abaddon: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
Fulgrim:
Fulgrim: Where’s Lucius?

Dante: Sanguinor and I don’t use pet names.
Seth: I see. Hey, what do bees make?
Dante: Honey?
Sanguinor: Yes, dear?
Dante:
Seth: Don't ever lie to my face again.

Fulgrim: So are we flirting right now?
Guilliman: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU
Fulgrim: That doesn’t answer my question

Russ: We need to get through this locked door. Guilliman, give me your credit card.
Guilliman: Here.
Russ, pocketing it: Thanks. Angron, kick down the door.

Kantor: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on.
Seth: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m mean and Helbrecht isn’t

Magnus: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Angron will and will not eat.
Ahriman: Grass? Yes!
Magnus: Moss? Yes!!
Ahriman: Leaves? Ohh, yes!
Magnus: Shoelaces? Strange but true!
Ahriman: Worms? Sometimes!
Magnus: Rocks? Usually nah.
Ahriman: Twigs? Usually!
Magnus: Fulgrim's cooking? Inconclusive!
Horus: How did you… test this?
Magnus: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it.
Horus: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.
Fulgrim: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Moar incorrect Warhammer quotes

Fulgrim: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me.
Perturabo: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Fulgrim: Yes!
Angron: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Magnus: I learned some very valuable lessons from this.
Russ: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should’ve taken away.
Magnus: Death isn’t real, and I’m basically God.

Fulgrim: Why are you on the floor?
Perturabo: I'm depressed.
Perturabo: Also I was stabbed, can you get Angron, please.

Horus: You have to apologize to Perturabo
Angron: Fine.
Angron: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

Corax: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Dorn does? I mean, what if he jumped off a cliff?
Russ: If Dorn were to jump off a cliff, he would’ve done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Dorn jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Corax: You jump off a cliff!
Russ: Gladly. Provided Dorn did first.

Horus: Perturabo, keep an eye on Angron today. He's going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.
Perturabo: Sure, I’d love to see Angron get punched.
Horus: Try again.
Perturabo, sighing: I will stop Angron from getting punched.

*Horus and Perturabo skipping stones on lake*
Horus: It’s such a beautiful evening.
Perturabo, whispering: Take that you fucking lake

(Perturabo is low-key hilarious in this, if you haven't noticed)

The Emprah: Magnus...
Magnus: Oh no, 'Magnus' in b-flat.
Magnus: You're disappointed.

Abaddon: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Typhus?
Typhus: … No.
Mortarion: I do!
Abaddon: I know, Mortarion.
Mortarion: I’m sad!
Abaddon: I know, Mortarion.

Malcador: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?
Dorn: *turning to Perturabo* How tall are you?

Sigismund: I can’t believe you live nearby, and you won’t let anyone crash at your place.
Alpharius: You people already know too much about me.
Dorn: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

Malcador: Isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other people?
Magnus: Plane tickets?
Angron: Concert tickets?
Emps: Prostitution?
Malcador, holding his broken frames: Glasses.

Russ: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you
Guiliman: 10 times 0 is still 0 though
Russ: Jokes on you, I can't do math

Angron: Change is inedible.
Perturabo: Don't you mean inevitable?
Angron, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

Guilliman: I’m going to take you out
Fulgrim: great, it’s a date!
Guilliman: I meant that as a threat.
Fulgrim: See you at five!

Kharn: You kill people for money?!
Sigismund: I can explain!
Kharn: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!

Calgar: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Guilliman: Calgar, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

Vulkan: Today is a day of running through hurdles.
Corax: Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?
Vulkan: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

Russ: What is your biggest weakness?
Lion: I can be uncooperative.
Russ: Okay, can you give me an example?
Lion: No.

Ferrus: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited
Vulkan: If?
Russ: Great, the only party I’ve ever been invited to and he might not even die.

Ferrus: Tell Sanguinius about the birds and the bees.
Dorn: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

And finally, how the Heresy really got started:

Horus: Abaddon... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Abaddon: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.
Horus:
Horus: I wrote sanitize, Abaddon.

Incorrect Warhammer Quotes

 Courtesy of: https://incorrect-quotes-generator.neocities.org/

Fulgrim: How did none of you hear what I just said?
Mortarion: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Angron: I got distracted about halfway through.
Magnus: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Big-E, Malcador, and Dorn are sitting on a bench
Magnus: Why do you guys look so sad?
Big-E: Sit down with us so we can tell you.
*Magnus sits down*
Malcador: The bench is freshly painted.

Sanguinius: If Guilliman and I were drowning, who would you save?
Leman Russ: You two can’t swim?
Guilliman: It’s a hypothetical question, Leman Russ! who would you save?
Leman Russ: my time and effort.

Lion: Anyone d-
Guilliman: Depressed?
Fulgrim: Drained?
Angron: Dumb?
Lorgar: Disliked?
Lion: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people ...

Kharn: I'm a reverse necromancer.
Angron: Isn't that just killing people?
Kharn: Ah, technicality.

Slaanesh: Can I be frank with you guys?
Nurgle: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.
Khorne: Can I still be Khorne?
Tzeentch: Shh, let Frank speak.

Perturabo: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Lorgar: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Mortarion: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Lorgar, learn to listen.
Curze: What if it bites itself and I die?
Fulgrim: That’s voodoo.
Horus: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Lorgar: That’s correlation, not causation.
Curze: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Fulgrim: That’s kinky.
Perturabo: Oh my God.

Vulkan: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?
Mortarion: Have everyone stand.
Magnus: Bring three more chairs!
Fulgrim: The most important ones can sit down.
Angron: Kill three.

All Shall Rot: The 9th Edition Death Guard Codex

In general

• Inexorable Advance means everything that has Malicious Volleys always shoots twice. Hahahahahaha this game is so broken.
• We have lost Death to the False Emperor ability. We have lost the Veterans of the Long War stratagem. Boooooooo!
• To be fair, there's a virtually army-wide +1A to make up for DttFE, and basically everything forces a -1T on nearby enemy units, so it's a bit like getting VotLW for free.
• Basically everything forces a -1T on nearby enemy units. 
• Disgustingly Resilient is now -1D, rather than 5+ FNP. Combine this with T5 and nobody will risk overcharging plasma on you. Plus side, the second wound means you don't die in one plasma hit, period.
• "Foetid Virion" detachment rule means the Elites characters (Blightbringer, etc) don't fill up detachment slots as fast (it's now 3 for 1) but you can't double up on characters (actually not clear whether this means no double characters in each group of three, or no double characters in a detachment - I assume the former from the way it's worded, but expect this to be FAQ'd). Which is too bad because you probably want to double up on Blightbringers/Tallymen. 
• Tallyman now adds 1 to the hit rolls of a nearby Core unit instead of being an old Chaplain. But that's both ranged and melee. 
• Plague Marines are +1W, +1A (more than makes up for the loss of DttFE), and -1 Power Level, so there's a reason to take them again (which is good because GW doesn't want you to take Poxwalkers/Cultists).
• Custom contagions are Crusade only. Oh well.
• Contagions are explicitly not Auras. This means abilities that shut down Auras do not shut down Contagions. This game is broken now.

Leaders

• All Lords and Typhus now grant rerolls. This was a serious problem last edition.
• One of the following per detachment: Daemon Prince, Typhus, Chaos Lord/Terminator Lord, Lord of Contagion/Virulence. The GW giveth rerolls and the GW taketh rerolls away. 
• Basically encouraging you to build a Death Star, (esp. when the Tallyman now gives +1 to ranged hits as well as melee).
• Chaos/Termie Lords can't take Thunder Hammers even though other CSM can.
• Generic Chaos Lord/Termie Lords are now T5 and have DR. Finally.
• Lord of Contagion's Typhus-Lite aura is gone. But since you can only take one Lord per detachment (and you're penalized for taking multiple detachments), he's staying on the shelf now anyway.
• Lord Felthius is now a generic LoC with a special grenade.

Typhus

• Destroyer Hive now hands out D3 mortals on a 2+.
• M5 (+1), A6 (+2!!!)
• New WT, Shamblerot, is an improved version of his old one - it's now a Contagion and a 6 does D3 MW instead of 1. 
• On the minus side, it's now "at the start of your opponent's Movement phase," rather than in both Fight phases. Boo.
• Old Nurgle's Rot is gone, so basically Typhus (Warlord or no) isn't as automatically toxic to be around as he was last edition. 
• No longer grants Poxwalkers +1T. Ouch.
• Manreaper now has "anti-horde" and "mini-TH" profiles a la Morty's Silence, but "mini-TH" is the old profile with a -1 to hit.
• His "can be taken outside his custom detachment without penalizing that detachment" rule (c.f. Ghaz and Shadowsun) is weirdly written - he doesn't stop the other Plague Company from "carrying a Plague Company Contagion." Doesn't say they can have that PC's WT, Relic, etc. Expect an FAQ.
• Overall: he's faster and better at killing hordes. His max MW output has gone from 3 per enemy unit to D3 to all plus D3 to one - requires a hell of a lot of lucky rolls. The extra 2 attacks probably makes up for his new -1 hit penalty. 

All Terminators

• The Cataphractii Armour rule is gone. It's replaced with "Diseased Terminator Armour," which keeps the 4++ without the Advance penalty OMGWTFBBQ
• All Terminators are now M5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this game is so broken.
• Felthius's Tainted Cohort isn't playable anymore, so you'll have to convert that one termie without a second weapon.

Warlord Traits

• Revoltingly Resilient is now the old Disgustingly Resilient, instead of a 4+ FNP. So if you need somebody to not die (i.e., Mortarion, who has it as one of his, I kid you not, FOUR Warlord Traits), it's there.
• Arch-Contaminator now only applies to Core, but that was expected.
• Gloaming Bloat (Mortarion's Anvil PC only) shuts down Overwatch and rerolls. Lulz.

Relics

• Fugaris' Helm applies to Auras, not Contagions. Would probably be broken otherwise, honestly.
• The Ferryman's Scythe (Ferrymen PC relic) has gone from being better than a Thunder Hammer to worse. Oh well.
• Warp Insect Hive (Mortarion's Anvil PC relic) is rerolls: the relic. Holy crap this PC is good, expect it to be used a lot in non-Typhus armies.

Poxwalkers/Cultists

• Poxwalkers and Cultists do not have the Core keyword, thus losing access to the Core buffs.
• Cultists don't have Contagions of Nurgle or Malicious Volleys (this was expected).
• New "Diseased Minions" detachment rule means you can't take more Poxwalker or Cultist units than Plague Marines and Blightlord/Deathshroud Terminators.
• Basically they want you to take Plague Marines instead of the other Troops choices, but that was expected.

Mortarion

• Has FOUR Warlord Traits - 5+ FNP, Aura shutdown, and Arch-Contaminator, plus one of your choosing from the Plague Companies.
• That WT from the Plague Companies doesn't have to correspond to the Plague Company the rest of your army is. And you get it regardless of whether Morty is your Warlord OMGWTFBBQ (no doubling up on WTs, but still).
• +1A, +1S - Morty is now S8, though given the lack of T9 in non-Forge World stuff coupled with his -1T to everything in 9" it's a bit overkill. Guess it lets him kill T5 infantry a little easier, but uh, the only T5 infantry in the game is his own Legion (right?), so go figure.
• Silence Eviscerating Blow profile is now D3+3 damage instead of D6 so it's more reliable. 
• Morty's damage tables kick in one wound earlier. Basically compensates for new DR. 
• Is still Best Evil Daddy - new lore explicitly says he let Typhus do his own thing (this has always been implied, but it's nice to have confirmation).

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