Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Guardians, Take 2

The movie's lighthearted. That's fine. Men in Black and Spaceballs were both pretty lighthearted. So was the Hitchhiker's Guide film. (Come to think of it, Hitchhiker's wasn't utterly awful in its own right, it was just a poor adaptation of the radio show/novels.)

Since I compared the heroes protagonists to the ones in Farscape (and on re-watching Guardians I realized I made a colossal mistake in comparing Gamora to Aeryn - Gamora's probably the most morally "good" member of the team for at least the first half of the film, whereas Aeryn takes a long time to snap out of Evil Soldier Mode) I thought I'd better compare the villains to the ones in Star Wars as well. This might make my point better. Both films have a Big Bad, a Dragon, and a Bigger Bad.

The Bigger Bad is the most evil guy in the setting, but he's really kinda beyond the scope of the plot. That's the Emperor in the original Star Wars film (he never shows up, but Tarkin and Vader are running the show in his name), and Thanos in Guardians (we see him, but he personally does nothing).

The Big Bad is the primary villain of the story, the one with the plan that the heroes need to stop. Tarkin in Star Wars, Ronan in Guardians. Usually - not always (think Blofeld, or Vader in Empire) - the Big Bad will be killed off at the end of the story.

The Dragon is the Big Bad's greatest asset, either the biggest or second-biggest physical threat to the heroes (depending on how physical the Big Bad is - that's one difference between Tarkin and Ronan). Vader in Star Wars, Nebula in Guardians. (They both happen to be cyborg pilots with familial connections to one of the protagonists, but that's just a coincidence.)

Let's see how long this lasts

I've done this before (too lazy to check when) but this blog really is called The Daily Dose of Dirty Deeds, so my new years resolution is to have at least one post every day.

Yeah. Let's see about that.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

The Greatest Bond Film Ever Made turned 45 today

I am, of course, talking about On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

I thought I'd return to that post and update it with a few things that I left out the first time, or else touched on but didn't really explain in depth. So:

11) The Concept.

They knew better than to try to cast a Connery clone and carry on as though nothing had changed, but surely a safer course of action than what they did would have been to cast a name actor who'd established himself as "the heir apparent to Sean Connery," write Bond quite a bit like Connery's Bond, and remake/update the early Connery films. It's not surprising that this is exactly what they did in 1973 with Roger Moore, and it shouldn't surprise to learn that they actually did try to get Moore for this one.

What they did instead was acknowledge the change and make The New James Bond totally different than his predecessor, on a level that has never been equaled. (Even Daniel Craig starts out with a handful of Brosnan-isms, although these are presented as signs of Craig!Bond's immaturity and he grows out of them by the end of Quantum of Solace.) Arguably they came up a bit short by casting an actor who couldn't quite pull it off (it's fair to say that there are scenes where you can't tell whether Lazenby's being unconvincing as James Bond or whether Lazenby's being very convincing at making Bond, as one site called it, an "authentic failure of an agent"), and arguably they undermined him considerably by drowning him in his predecessor's trappings. It's not surprising that they never tried such a radical shift again, nor that they deliberately chose to have Roger Moore never drive an Aston Martin nor say "shaken not stirred." But having said that, it's amazing that they were willing to take such a giant leap back then. (The "people who want to stay alive play it safe" line is kind of awkward in hindsight, isn't it?)

What's more, they decided to do this "Different Bond," but keep a lot of the tone of the previous few outings. There's still a sense of zany fun here that the Craig films, in their superseriousness, lack. Blofeld's scheme this time around is to hypnotize bimbos into murdering all the chickens in the world with a super-virus. He's not out to win back some money or steal Bolivia's water or rip off The Dark Knight. Now, some might say that changing Bond but not the tone fatally undermined the film; you can make the same argument for the two Daltons. My counter-argument is that they had to play to their audience's expectations somewhere. The audience wanted Sean Connery and mad villainy. They couldn't have the former, so I applaud the filmmakers in not even trying to give it to them. They could have the latter, though, so the filmmakers wisely gave it to them.

12) The Ice Rink Scene

I talked about it a bit in the other post, but on reflection, it's also one of the best scenes in the film and deserves its own section. Special mention goes to the use of an insipid Christmas song, first to provide a massive dose of soundtrack dissonance to an increasingly hopeless escape attempt (again, just imagine the Connery Bond ever just hunkering down and waiting to be recaptured), and secondly to re-introduce Tracy on the line "...and most of all, they need love."

(I do confess some confusion as to whether this scene is meant to take place on Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve. Dialogue in the surrounding scenes implies the former, but I've never heard of fireworks going off at midnight on Christmas Eve. Come to think of it, I'm not sure how long the time-frame of the movie is. How cold does Portugal get in the winter?)

13) Peter R. Hunt

He edited the first five Bond films before getting to direct this one. In the course of those films he changed the way fight scenes are edited, as well as edited both Thunderball and You Only Live Twice down to watchable lengths. Then he got saddled with this one, starring an inexperienced nobody and set up a mountain. In a less-capable man's hands, the end result would have been a disaster. And yet, Hunt took the same lessons he'd learned as an editor and employed them here. The film mostly zips along, disguising its 2:20 running time behind a series of energetic punch-ups, romance, intrigue, nutty villainy, and epic action sequences.

The fights push the Hunt-style rapid-fire editing basically as far as it can go (indeed, we'd never see editing this fast again until Quantum of Solace, which overdid it). Hunt's visual style is also just-noticeably different from that of his predecessors - check out the shot of Blofeld silhouetted by the sun when he's talking to Bond's MI6 shadow. There's enough inspiration in here to suggest that, even though this was the first film he directed, he wasn't just following in his predecessors' footsteps. I've actually covered a good chunk of it before - the love-letters to the various scenes and shots and so on are really love-letters to his style - so there's not much else to say, other than the fact that, according to one source, it was actually Hunt's idea to give James Bond an actual character, rather than a collection of tropes bundled into a suit bundled into a car.

Honestly - and I admit that this is probably more controversial than me saying that OHMSS is the greatest Bond Film ever - Hunt's abrupt departure from the series was a bigger problem than Connery's. Look at how tepid the editing is in the 70s. Look at how uninspired the visuals are in the 80s. 60s Bond manages to stand out - partly because it was carving its own path rather than aping someone else, yes, but also because of people like Hunt who were doing the path-carving.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dine!

A list, compiled from memory, of all the times the villain had captured Bond but couldn't be bothered to kill him.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

I vent

Who the FUCK thought a section of a game wherein the game deliberately forces fun killing-crap like, say, lag on you would ever be fun? WHO? WHO!?!??!

This looks fun

Can't decide if it's Moore-Bond with attitude or a Brosnan film done right. Either way, I wanna see it.

Also, that infrared bulletproof umbrella thing. Remember when Sam Mendes (Skyfall, Spectre) said that the best Bond gadgets could be found in an Apple store? I said that demonstrates extreme lack of vision and probably counts as evidence why, beautiful cinematography aside, Mendes needs to go. Doubling down on that now, because the infrared bulletproof umbrella thing is awesome.

Speaking of James Bond we have this little insight from The Incredible Suit:
Damn skippy.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Spectre's coming back

One of the ideas kicked around for The Spy Who Loved Me was to open with a "new" SPECTRE coming in and blowing away the old guard (Blofeld apparently included). This ultimately went nowhere (just Google "Kevin McClory Thunderball" if you want a long and sordid history), though Blofeld himself was ultimately bumped off in For Your Eyes Only in a very off-hand way.

Now we "know" that SPECTRE - the Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion - is coming back. One wonders if they're going to replace QUANTUM in the same way.

A better question is WHY???

SPECTRE was a fun campy 60s supervillain group, parodied by Austin Powers. In other words, it's the thing current Bond is running from. (And we can debate the merits of that artistic decision. I like my campy Moore and my edgy Dalton. I'm allowed to be indecisive like that.)

SPECTRE was all volcano lairs and hypnotized dolly-birds and SPACE LAAAAAAZERS. QUANTUM is, essentially, the Bond equivalent of the MCU's HYDRA. They infiltrated several governments. They don't need to take over the world because they already have all the parts they want. QUANTUM fits the Craig films' tone so much better than SPECTRE does that I really question this decision.

A second thing I'd like to note is that the Spectre teaser includes what looks like a bullet hole in glass with a black background. I've seen that somewhere before, I just know it.

But hang on, the Craig films already did the "Bond starts out as energetic and arrogant and turns into a more familiar character via the process of falling in love with a doomed girl who can act in a long-but-bothered-to-tell-a-story film with a sucker-punch aimed at book-readers" one. So they're probably not doing that.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Weekend Songs

Did you know that the two greatest love songs ever written were both released in 1969? Now you do.


Bonus: Frank Sinatra covered Something. Apparently George Harrison kept the "Jack" substitution in later performances.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

A brief review of AC/DC's new album

Which, if memory serves, was called one of the following two things:

Highway to High Rock Voltage and Roll Hell (All Night Long) (We Salute You) (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)

or

Milking the Money Cow, Volume XVI

I honestly can't remember.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Why I'm bent out of shape about the lightsaber crossguard

It's not so much that it's just a stupid, transparent attempt to sell new toys (it is, though).

It's not because it Westernizes the Jedi, who have basically Eastern-exclusive influences up to this point (I really don't care, but some people do).

Rather...

Yes, logically, lightsabers should have crossguards. You know, just like, logically, there should be some explanation for how the Force actually works.

In other words, the last time somebody overthought something cool and iconic and StarWarsy, we got f*cking medichlorians.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Another thought on Interstellar

is that it can't quite decide what it wants to be.

As I said last time, the first hour or so of the film sets it up (misleadingly) as Atlas Shrugged In Space.  The second hour of the film: "Humans are flawed. Some will make mistakes and others will just outright lie and endanger the entire human race to save their skins." The third hour: one part Doctor Who space magic (Steven Moffat's probably slapping himself for not having come up with this already, as the third act is totally right up his alley), one part Spielberg sentimentality.  The first two hours aren't entirely at odds with each other, but the third most certainly is.

And therein, to me, lies the main problem. As late as the scene where Matt Damon was failing his docking maneuver, I was prepared to love the film.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Stuff you may not know about me, entry CXLIV

I'm (very slowly) sifting my way through David Weber's Honor Harrington series. (I'm alternating back and forth between these and the Ian Fleming James Bond novels.)  Aside from some poorly-timed infodumps I'm greatly enjoying them.

Interstellar

sploilers

Monday, November 17, 2014

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 56) Tyrion VII: Don Lannister

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, I decided to hypnotize some chickens in lieu of discussing Robb's battle tactics. In today's post, I include a picture of James Bond to spare myself having to discuss the Lannister battle tactics either.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The Thanksgiving Rant: A re-post

My original Thanksgiving Rant is here. This is the same thing, just with the politics toned down.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

BLIZZCON 2014

The valiant underdog came from behind and left the world stunned. I could drag out the election metaphor a bit or I could just congratulate Life on a series of balls-out amazing plays.

While I do think he was a bit overeager with his proxy hatches - they never paid off and he had to spend most of the rest of those games on the back foot before landing a few incredibly lucky engagements - I do think he was hands-down the best tactician on the field.  I think it was his RO8 game on Overwatch where, with a massive enemy army marching north against him, he just swung completely around, decided not to take an engagement against an enemy on the high ground, and went straight for his opponent's base.

You know, kinda what Longstreet told Lee he should have done at Gettysburg.

Does this mean that zerg is imba? Hardly.  There was one zerg in the final eight. And zerg requires more mechanical skill than the other races do. No, shut up, it's true.  Your APM will go up when you play zerg because you have to do more stuff.  Note that after his proxy hatch plays, Life should have been much further ahead than he wound up being. One of those games lingered on for an entire hour.  This isn't a cheese-fail situation where your play screws up and you have nothing behind it; Life did economic damage, but because terrans have MULEs and protoss is just OP - no, shut up, it is - it didn't give him a significant advantage.

Elsewhere, there was Hearthstone and WOW stuff, neither of which you'll read much about ever on this blog.  Heroes had a few showmatches, yay. Diablo panels talked about how they changed up the game because their initial roll-out was so ill-conceived. (Seriously, it's like the guys who were originally in charge didn't know what "fun" is.)

The Starcraft tournament kept having technical issues. Dear Blizzard: blah blah your MMO and your virtual card game, Starcraft is eSports, and those issues were just embarrassing. As was your non-apology at the closing ceremony. Of course, shortly after that non-apology you obliterated us with a thorough application of Metallica, so I suppose all is forgiven.

Legacy of the Void was announced and there are a lot of cool new things to look at and abuse, half of which probably won't make it into the final game, alas. Just from watching one showmatch it was obvious that the ability to drop Siege Tanks already in siege mode is never going to be balanced. (Unless you bring back the siege tech upgrade.)

It seems like the entire mindset now is "faster games with more micro." I get that this means seriously overhauling terran - the master turtle - but, crikey, the other changes aren't great. The Immortals got nerfed - this is unforgivable - and the one new zerg unit (Lurkers don't count) won't ever be able to accomplish anything.

My suggestion is that you don't switch to terran in anticipation of the next expansion (or whatever it is), because it's going to get nerfed.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I voted. And no, I don't want a sticker.

If I served in the US military, I'd get an appropriate bumper sticker. Maybe even a tattoo. When I get admitted to the bar, I'll crow about that.

But voting? Crikey. I took 10 minutes out of my day to drive down to the polling place (a union hall with a big "STOP THE WAR ON WORKERS" sign right outside the voting room) and filled in a few circles.

Medal, now.

This isn't Afghanistan post-9/11, where they got their first real election in quite a while (can't be bothered to research) courtesy of Uncle Sam, and they still didn't have the entire country pacified, so going around with a dab of purple paint on your finger was actually a risk.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

On Her Majesty's Secret Service, that weird film where James Bond actually goes through a proper character arc (meaning he's not really James Bond at the beginning), there's a full-on "falling in love" montage, the best scene has the Bond Girl recite poetry, and it ends on an inevitable-yet-upsetting note without any closure whatsoever.

Crikey, this series can be excellent when it forgets what it's "supposed" to be.

This week's Skyrim roleplay

1) strip your character buck-ass nekkid. Meaning, empty your entire inventory.
2) fast-travel to the opposite side of the map from your home.
3) get back home. No fast-traveling.

Easy, you say, right? After all, you start the game with nothing in your inventory.

Wrong. And while we're talking, call your mother. She worries.

You're handed your first weapon and armor on a silver platter in the game. Yeah, yeah you have your spells and your shouts and your werewolf/vampire lord transformation, but you don't have your enchanted gear. How many fireballs can you really cast? If you're a werewolf, when do you take that once-per-day transformation? If you're a vampire lord, congratulations, it's easier going... until the sun comes up.

You have no money, potions, or soul gems. You start out with no armor, and you'll probably have to start by making do with the crap that the common bandits wear. You don't get to keep your pickaxe or wood-chopper, so good luck making your own stuff.

Have fun!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The curse of the zombie franchise

Appropriate topic for a Halloween-ish post, n'est-ce pas? (Pronounced "nez pah," but why you'd expect rational spelling from the country whose tanks have three "reverse" gears, to butcher an old joke, is entirely beyond me.)

Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen, The Terminator is getting another reheating.

What's The Terminator, you ask? Well, back in the early 1980s, a man named James Cameron had a nightmare about a metal skeleton walking out of a fire. This was turned into The Sleeper Hit Of 1984. In a sane world, that was the end of the story.
We were also spared this.
This world, as you should know by now, is not sane.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

A question I would like to answer at some point

Did the later Harry Potter films benefit from having one director do the last four films? And if so, should that model be re-applied to the James Bond franchise in spite of the eventual disasters that produced back in the Cubby Broccoli days?

By "disasters" I mean that both Guy Hamilton (4 Bonds) and John Glen (5 Bonds) have steaming piles of crap on their hands.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Moonraker, the novel

is the third James Bond novel. It's the first one where Bond confronts a full-on supervillain. The previous two baddies were a tad small-time: a moneyman and a druglord. The villain of Moonraker wants to nuke London, and Bond has a (minor) freak-out when he realizes it.

Given that Daniel Craig's Bond hasn't run into full-on supervillainy yet, I kinda hope that he has a similar scene when he finally does.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Five Years Ago, I was an idiot

Five years ago, I had some different opinions than I do now. Mostly these pertain to films, since my musical and political tastes were set.

I've revisited some of the films I know I had opinions on five years ago.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

It must be nice on your weird non-Earth planet

or: another GamerGate post.

First off, a hat tip to my liberal friends who keep (inadvertently) pointing me to these things. Today we're discussing another article (ostensibly) about GamerGate, this one on The Daily Beast, called Of Gamers, Gates, and Disco Demolition: The Roots of Reactionary Rage.

First of all, this article has almost nothing to do with GamerGate. It does, incidentally, cite another article that has almost nothing to do with GamerGate that I dissected previously. It is, to the extent that it's about anything other than liberal chest-puffing (more on that in a mo), about denigrating reactionaries.

Let's first take a step back here and talk about what's going on.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

I hit 100 in two-handed, my primary stat in Skyrim. Time to start a new character?

Haha, of course not! Time to enchant a ring of +40% archery/+40% one-handed and start leveling up those skills!

GamerGate, quickly

Unless you live under a rock, you're probably aware of GamerGate. If you're confused, here's a really simple version:

  • The videogame journalism industry is by and large in bed with each other, and also in bed (sometimes literally) with the games production industry. People who support the GamerGate movement have a problem with this.
  • According to people who oppose the GamerGate movement, GamerGaters are a bunch of sexists and racists (because a few of the targets of their ire happen to belong to "protected" classes, i.e., are not straight white males). 
That's it. That's the entire hashtag distilled into two points. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Happy Birthday to Sir Roger Moore

I really, really wanted to find a standalone clip of That Scene from The Spy Who Loved Me. You know the one:
When someone's behind you on skis at 40 miles per hour trying to put a bullet in your back, you don't always have time to remember a face. In our business, Anya, people get killed. We both know that. So did he. It was either him or me. The answer to the question is yes. I did kill him.
Because it's one of the best in the entire franchise. But I couldn't find the clip, so you'll just have to remember it. From memory. I'm sure it's seared in there.

It's a spiritual antithesis, not a "f*ck you"

I think The Dark Knight and Captain America: The Winter Soldier are two of the best superhero films, like, ever. I like 'em both just about equally. One thing I really like about Winter Soldier is how it kicked off this huge debate (not that they ever engaged each other) on right-wing websites about what the film's politics actually were.

See here. I dunno; I don't think Winter Soldier was a big "f*ck you" to The Dark Knight. If you'll recall, in The Dark Knight, Lucius Fox was concerned about the misuse of Bruce Wayne's surveillance system (Bruce Wayne, you'll note, is a private citizen). Bruce told him that this concern was why he only trusted Fox to run it, and he told him to destroy the system when the mission was done.  All The Winter Soldier did was take that idea and run with it. What happens when the system falls into the wrong hands?

Because, and I don't mean to put on my political hack hat here, but, that will eventually happen. I do not care whether you're a Democrat or a Republican (for purposes of this post; I shall change my tune tomorrow, and that's how the internet works); one day you're going to wake up, and Your Guys won't be in charge anymore. The kids will have the keys to the liquor cabinet. Even if you're apolitical; Lyndon Johnson/Barack Obama and Richard Nixon/George W Bush are from different parties, but they're both/all terrible.

And, continuing to not put on my political hack hat here, when was the last time the government every destroyed anything useful? (Let me rephrase that: when was the last time the government intentionally destroyed anything useful?)

(Also, I don't think the MCU has ever made this clear: is SHIELD a US group or a global one? Its overseers teleconference, rather than always meet in person in D.C.)

Anyway. The whole relationship between the two films is, a bit, like the one between Casablanca and The Third Man (both of which are super, by the way, and if you haven't seen them, why not?). They have similar concepts; one is just more idealistic, and one is more cynical.

Monday, October 13, 2014

A problem with the whole "space is an ocean" concept

I started tweeting about how a whole lotta proletariat gotta die for the "perfect future" in Star Trek, given that well-known trope about how anyone with a red shirt is going to die, and there's no money in the future. So they're a bunch of suckers. Seriously, though, in five series and twelve films, exactly... um... four or five main characters have stayed dead:

  • Spock in The Wrath of Khan didn't stay dead
  • Tasha Yar in TNG (main character? she was in the titles)
  • Kirk in Star Trek Generations
  • Jadzia Dax in DS9 (kinda had an Nth Doctor thing, though)
  • Everyone at one point or another in Voyager (nobody stayed dead)
  • Data in Star Trek Nemesis
  • Trip Tucker in Enterprise
  • Kirk in Star Trek Into Darkness didn't stay dead
So, yeah, obviously this is because shows want their main cast to stick around, and Tasha and Jadzia died because their actresses wanted out, and Real!Kirk and Trip died because their series were over, and Data died but not before creating a backup copy that you know would have been him had the TNG film zombie shuffled onward.

And no, I didn't count Benjamin Motherf*ckin' Sisko because whatever the hell happened to him at the end of DS9, he didn't actually die.  

So I started thinking - okay, you could try to subvert this. I mean, unless you wanted Gene's Utopian Future to be one where the underclass take all the risks. (Awkward.) You could do a Hornblower-type thingy where your main character (or ensemble cast, because those are a thing) start out low in the ranks, and their friends get killed as redshirts are wont to do - but so do the lieutenants and the captain, on occasion.  Ensign Spaceman's ship gets exploderated and he's set adrift...

Ah, but you see, if your ship sinks in one of Earth's oceans and you have enough food, a) you're probably going to wash up somewhere eventually, and that place is likely to be b) habitable and c) inhabited.

Space, says the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, is big. Really, really big.

Of the nine planets in the Solar System (suck it, The Scientist Neil Tyson!) only one is capable of supporting life. Not only that, but it's not that easy to get to. I'm going to assume Apollo 13 is scientifically accurate here and say that if the Earth were a basketball, you would need to hit a window no thicker than a piece of paper in order to safely enter the atmosphere.

OK? So, if you manage to survive your ship getting exploderated around you, and if your escape pod isn't mangled by debris, and if you manage to float your way to an inhabited planet, you would still need to hit that teensy window. And good luck getting the attention of a passing ship to get off your new planet...

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Geoffrey Holder (Baron Samedi in Live and Let Die) RIP

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Skyrim Modding Fun Time

As a result of one or more mods I've installed in Skyrim, my footsteps are muted, but only when I'm in third-person view and am not holding a weapon. It's very weird.

Also, female city guards apparently no longer spawn.

Still, bewbs. I mean, um, better graphics and more immersive armors.

By the way, why do people complain that "certain" armor mods are unrealistic? Have you seen the Steel Plate Armor on female characters? Or, for that matter, the vanilla female muscles? (Well, no, you haven't seen the latter because they're nonexistent.)

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Come on, guys

So. Here's why Jennifer Lawrence took nude selfies:
I was in a loving, healthy, great relationship for four years. It was long distance, and either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you.
Wow, guys. Could we, as a gender, be less pervy?

...or does J-Law need to find herself a better class of boyfriend?

Friday, October 3, 2014

I noticed something about Bond Film quality versus Trope-iness

Which is to say, I think there are some great Bond Films that don't really feel weighed down by The Formula (From Russia With Love, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Casino Royale), and I feel that there are some other Bond Films that are great because they executed The Formula so very well (Goldfinger, Thunderball, The Spy Who Loved Me).  There are some films that are just awful, yes, but there are others that wound up falling flat on their faces because they tried to be "tropey" and "not tropey" at the same time (The World is Not Enough, Skyfall).

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

A more complete answer to the "How Many James Bonds are there?" question

Last time around I just joked that James Bond was a Time Lord, complete with a screengrab from one of the worst episodes of Nu Who ever simply because it happened to be the one in which Timothy Dalton played a Time Lord. Let's be more serious this time.

The facts:
Roger Moore is 3 years older than Sean Connery who is 9 years older than George Lazenby who is 5/7 years older than Timothy Dalton* who is 9/7 years older than Pierce Brosnan who is 15 years older than Daniel Craig. Roger Moore is 41 years older than Daniel Craig. Clearly, they cannot all be the same man.

*Wikipedia can't determine whether Dalton was born in 44 or 46. Given what I know of the actor and his desire for privacy, this does not surprise me.

Casino Royale establishes that the Craig Bond became a 00 agent after the Cold War ended, but four of the other Bonds have had missions explicitly dated to the Cold War: Connery in From Russia With Love, Moore in The Spy Who Loved Me, For Your Eyes Only and Octopussy, Dalton in The Living Daylights, and Brosnan in the precredits of GoldenEye. Therefore the Craig Bond cannot be the same fella as the Connery, Moore, Dalton or Brosnan Bonds. Craig!Bond's character arc in Casino Royale - starts off young and aggressive and energetic and a bit of a pup, actually, and matures via the drawn-out-over-several-hours process of falling in love with a woman who then goes and dies on him - is virtually identical to Lazenby!Bond's back in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, to the point where I can't imagine why the same man would need to go through the same arc twice. (In the novels, the Bond/Tracy romance in OHMSS is basically treated as a midlife crisis, but Lazenby was 29 and the script was duly amended. At least, I assume that's what happened.)

So Craig!Bond is a different man from the others. Good start.

So Fem!Thor is not The Thor

Pretty sure I called it. Per The Science Webzone io9*
When Thor becomes unworthy, a mysterious woman picks up Mjolnir
So there you have it.  "Thor" and "a mysterious woman" are separate entities.

*it's called The Science Webzone from now on as a courtesy to those baffled by what it's trying to accomplish running articles blaming things on Earth's shrinking ice caps, when Earth's ice caps are not shrinking.

How to not suck: a premier for modern bands

I have friends (I question their judgment). They try to get me interested in modern music (I continue to question their judgment). As a result I've been exposed to a lot of awful crap and would like to throw some advice out there to anyone aspiring to play three chords on a guitar and get laid.

     1) learn how to sing. 
This is critical. If you're trying to ape John Lennon's nasal whine, you should be aware that that's far and away my least favorite thing about The Beatles. I am deadly serious: I would rather listen to "Revolution 9" on repeat for eternity than "Tomorrow Never Knows" on repeat for eternity. So, please, learn how to sing.

     2) no, seriously, learn how to sing.
Some of you sorry sacks out there can't even ape John Lennon's nasal whine. If you can't carry a tune, you might be able to get away with shouting backing vocals, provided they're really easy. But for the love of God, stay away from the mic.

     3) be influenced by good classic acts.
Really anything from the Beatles to Iron Maiden to Queen to Black Sabbath to AC/DC to Pink Floyd.

     4) wear those influences on your sleeve.
I'm not going to accuse you of plagiarism: I like Led Zeppelin (mostly).

     5) learn how to sing.
The "(mostly)" comes into play when Robert Plant starts screeching, whether it's reaching for notes he can't hit or just forgetting that he's not a woman.

     6) don't clip your album all to hell.
So you can sing. And you've got at least one other bandmate with cognizable talent. Great! And you've gotten a recording contract. Super! Now, record your album at a volume that will allow your consumers to actually appreciate it.

     7) learn how to sing.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Announcing my next project

As you might have noticed, my blog-thru of A Game of Thrones is reaching its end. At some point I will do the sequel, simply because I've already thought up half the snarky chapter titles, but I don't intend to immediately start that.

This weekend I was helping a friend move, and as we were driving to his new place he asked me who my top five favorite directors were. And I really, really didn't have any sort of an answer for that.

See, the director has a crapton of hats to wear. Take, for example, Skyfall. I really don't think very much of that film's script, but I do think that it's well-shot and well-acted and well-edited, and whether Sam Mendes took a hands-on approach to those parts of the production or just picked the right people, he deserves some credit.  I just don't know how much.

Is The Prestige my favorite film because Christopher Nolan directed it? Or is it my favorite film because of the stellar performances, excellent story structure, and Wally Pfister's magnificent cinematography?

Anyway, while I was sitting there in the car, navigating a gridlock while trying to answer my friend's question (I ultimately came up with Nolan and Spielberg for sure, and played with a bunch of other candidates ranging from Stanley Kubrick to Peter Hunt), I realized it'd probably be easier for me to list my five favorite cinematographers than it would be to list my five favorite directors.

So my next project on this blog is going to be entitled "Such Cinematography." I'm going to go through films, a few scenes at a time, and point out camera-work and lighting that appeals to, impresses, or just downright puzzles me. I already have a list of films I want to do this for, some of which are famous for their cinematography and others where I just noticed things that I want to point out.

And the reason that I'll be going through them a few scenes at a time is either because I have the attention span of an alcoholic badger or because I'm in law school and don't have an infinite amount of time on my hands. You can figure out which is true.

Friday, September 26, 2014

AC/DC: a premature obituary

And here we are. A post I didn't really think about but kind of knew I was going to have to write since April, when the news first broke that Malcolm Young, AC/DC co-founder, songwriter and rhythm guitarist, was either "taking a break" or leaving the band, due to ill health.

Now it's pretty clear. Malcolm Young, age 61, is too ill ever to tour again and has retired from the band. He won't be on the album due out in November - so I was wrong about that - nor will he be touring with them next year.
It's Wikipedia official, people.
This is, effectively, the end of the band. Malcolm Young will be replaced both in studio and on tour by his nephew Stevie Young, 57 (Angus and Malcolm are the babies of their generation), who previously filled in for Malcolm on a 1988-89 tour while Malcolm was in rehab. Malcolm's brother Angus, the flamboyant lead guitarist, may be the face of the band and Brian Johnson may be the singer, but ask any AC/DC fan and they'll tell you that Malcolm Young is very much the power behind the throne.

So I'm sure some people will say this is premature - there's an album and a tour coming up - but I'm going to go ahead and write the band's obituary now. And also laugh at the word "premature" being applied to anything related to this band, whose lead guitarist to this day wears a schoolboy uniform on stage.

The Air Raid Siren

Today in 1981, Bruce Dickinson joined Iron Maiden, replacing Paul Di'Anno as lead singer. It's fair to say that this was the biggest and most important thing that happened that year. (1981 also included two high-profile assassination attempts, the very first Space Shuttle launch, and the appointment of the first female Supreme Court justice. I might be applying a bit of hyperbole here.)

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Not yer usual Cracked.com rant

Longtime readers/stalkers a) will be alarmed by the new design, and b) will know that I kinda have a thing against Cracked.com for a couple of reasons. One, their photoplasty contests aren't funny, and two, they seem to think that all their articles can be improved by a half-dozen "fucks" and "shits."

Anyway. Today Cracked.com has an article out about various video-gaming sins. And #2 on the list is Padding. Except, they don't talk about actual Padding, or at least not as I understand it.

See, they're talking about "pointless missions." But when I say "padding," I'm thinking more like what I complained about vis a vis Skyrim's Dawnguard DLC. Okay, that requires some clarification, because I whined a lot about Dawnguard.

(Today's ADD-addled diversion: I'm doing this post on my gaming PC rather than my usual one. When I went to go get that link above, I found I'm going to need a bigger background for higher-resolution computers.)

My principal complaint about Dawnguard (and yes, it's very hard to choose just one) is that the penultimate mission just dragged way. The. Hell. Out.  When you tell me "go get Auriel's Bow," I assume I'm in for one dungeon trawl, not four plus a ginormous Space Flea From Nowhere sidestory.  What Cracked is actually whining about is more accurately described as "boring-ass fetch quests."

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 55) Catelyn VIII: And A Child Shall Lead Them

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, either Robert's final failure brought the chickens home to roost, or else Varys's plot ran exactly as planned.

You really can't tell with these sorts of things.

Monday, September 22, 2014

The last James Bond film you saw

I don't mean "which one was the one you've seen most recently?"

I mean, out of the however-many-that-existed the first time you got caught up, which one took you the longest to get around to seeing?

For me it was Diamonds Are Forever, an absolute clusterfrak of a film to go out on. I recently bought another copy of it because someone (*cough* my sister *cough*) lost our original copy and, having re-evaluated films like OHMSS and Quantum of Solace and even The Living Daylights, I thought I'd be fair and revisit Diamonds as well.

It still sucks.

For my best friend it was A View to a Kill. Yikes.

Somehow my lucky dog of a cousin managed to expose himself to twenty other Bond Films before getting around to From Russia With Love, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and, and I kid you not, The Spy Who Loved Me.

Yes, really.  OHMSS I can understand, as that film has an awful reputation it in no way deserves. But the other two? Really?

I mean, seriously, The Spy Who Loved Me is the film you should show someone who's never seen a Bond Film, because the only problem with saying "this is a Bond Film" is that your friend will come away thinking they're all that good.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Weekend Song XXII

Quite the throwback* on this one, with some very Old Skool (and live) Iron Maiden

*okay given my musical pallet, "throwback" may be the wrong word. But this is pre-Bruce Iron Maiden, which makes it pretty old for that band.

So Captain America 2 was actually an adaptation of Moonraker (the novel)

And a more faithful adaptation than the film, at that.

The villain is disguised as a super-patriot. His plan involves launching something which he says will keep people safe but is actually designed to kill a whole lot of people. The two main heroes, during the course of their investigation, end up buried under rubble after an explosion (although because this is Ian Fleming we're talking about, in the novel the end up nekkid).

And so on.

Friday, September 19, 2014

CONFIRMED!

Back in June, I made the following "joke:"
Are they going to get Charles Dance back for Tywin's funeral? Big risk: he'll still out-act everyone, though I admit that kind of the point of Feast is how thoroughly everyone and everything was buried under his shadow.
CONFIRMED!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 54) Daenerys VI: Bond Villain Stupidity

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, Bran was mopey. But not because he was a cripple, for once.

Daenerys is naked again, because she spends an awful lot of this book in fairly compromising positions. Speaking of fairly compromising positions, I thought I'd share with you the sexiest thing I found on Reddit the weekend of the nude celeb photo scandal. It's just below the fold (and perfectly safe for work).

Monday, September 15, 2014

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 53) Bran VI: Something’s wrong with Robb’s leadership style, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

With the irritating repetition and tedious inevitability of a stupid commercial on YouTube, it is time yet again for a Bran chapter. I've got my sinuses all bogged up so I can't smell the stench of self-loathing. On the plus side, now I can do that nasal whine all the modern male singers use. And it could always be worse; I could suddenly decide that what I need in my life is an obsession with MOBAs.

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, Jon Snow broke. I still haven't explained that. Hahahahahahaha.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 52) Jon VII: The Sleepwalking Dead

Previously on A Blog of Thrones, we spent three chapters watching things go entirely to pot in King's Landing.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Dawnguard autopsy

I'm generally liking Skyrim. But not so much the Dawnguard DLC.

So, the good stuff: there are some new Dwemer ruins for you to run around in. There's a Werewolf perk tree, so that's not a complete waste now (yeah, immunity to disease is great and all, but it doesn't make up for an unarmored melee combat form or a lack of sleep bonuses).  There's a sidequest where you can explore another round of Dwemer ruins (because we weren't utterly sick of that by the time the Blackreach quest in the main game was over - oh, and, just for kicks and giggles, the Elder Scroll you used in the main game swings back into relevance here, so I hope you didn't sell it). Apparently there are new things to smith, yay.

The bad: This will take a while.

The main character of Dawnguard is an incredibly bored-sounding I Hate You Vampire Dad-style vampire lady named Serana. Literally everything she says is delivered in a tone of voice that suggests her actress really didn't want to be in the studio. (Disclosure: her actress is the same actress who ruined the female Demon Hunter in Diablo III's expansion, delivering every line with a husky whispershout.) This despite the fact that, towards the end of the story, she gets long drawn-out confrontations with two people who screwed her over. During the first one you're stuck - the game doesn't put you in "conversation mode," but it does stop you from drawing your weapon. (As soon as the basically-a-cutscene is over, just FUS RO DAH him off the balcony. Dullest boss fight ever, and this after he sends waves of obnoxious minions at you.) The second time there's nothing to stop you sneaking up behind the guy and stabbing him in the butt. "Fun."

The other characters are: Isran, a knight-templar vampire hunter who naturally acts incredibly prejudiced and... well, you know what, there are these two groups, the Vampires and the Dawnguard, and it's funny how the vampires really don't give two f*cks about the Dawnguard. That's really all you need to know.

The plot. Where to begin? Ah, what the hell, let's just go in order. Spoilers from here on out.

Some random James Bond thoughts

In the process of hunting down information about an outfit that Diana Rigg wore in one scene of On Her Majesty's Secret Service, I stumbled across this post on clothesonfilm. (Obviously it's a bit dated.)

Here's the interesting bit, comparing the issues post-Quantum to the kerfuffle that led to The Wizard Some Call Tim leaving the role back in the early 90s.
Hmm…Does anyone see this as a little bit of history repeating? A not entirely dissimilar situation occurred after Timothy Dalton signed as Bond for The Living Daylights in 1987. Soon followed License to Kill in ’89 and then nothing for six years, until Pierce Brosnan finally got his shot and saved the series from near extinction with GoldenEye.
Well. Quite. Edgy, serious, "back-to-Fleming" actor aw frak it, just see my Quantum of Solace post for an interminable list of comparisons between Licence to Kill and Quantum of Solace. Neither film was particularly well-received by general audiences (though both are utterly super and deserve a second look), and MGM held off on making another one afterwards, pleading "financial difficulties," which is fair enough.

Now, I know a thing or two about what The Property of a Lady (as Bond XVII was known while Dalton was still attached to the project) was going to look like, and what it was going to look like was Licence to Kill on speed. Bond kills the baddie with a frickin' blowtorch, for example.

Now, although Charles Helfenstein says, in the section his thoroughly-researched book The Making of the Living Daylights that deals with Dalton's departure from the role, that there's no evidence to suggest that MGM muscled Dalton out, the fact of the matter is that Dalton was still up for the job in early 1993 (after his contract had expired) and had changed his mind a year later. It probably wasn't friction with the Broccoli-Wilson family, given that Dalton popped up at Cubby Broccoli's birthday party two days after announcing his departure. So... what was it that made Dalton change his mind about coming back, if it wasn't MGM's refusal to green-light another film while he was in the lead role?

(Maybe the fact that Dalton read the books, in which Bond was stated to be 37, and faced mandatory retirement from 00-status at 45, and Dalton was nearing the age of 50 when he stepped down. That's all I've got. I'm sympathetic to the argument that Dalton wasn't as enthusiastic about him playing Bond as Cubby Broccoli was, but that doesn't explain why he was willing to come back in 1993 only to change his mind within a year.)

That makes me wonder if Skyfall, twisted and confused and decidedly overrated wretch that it is, wasn't the result of a compromise that Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson made with MGM to retain Mr. Craig's formidable services. Shove the tone back Goldfinger-wards, despite the massive step backwards that represents, in the name of money.

Oh well.

In other news, RIP Richard Kiel, aka Jaws.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

I'm really just dropping this link here because I'm on my other computer and can't be bothered to save it there for myself.

In other news, my law school schedule sucks.

Friday, September 5, 2014

"Deep Breath" and "Into The Dalek" mini-Who Reviews

Before I begin, I want to make one thing clear:

Steven Moffat is full of himself.

There, now that that's out of the way, we can talk about Peter Capaldi's first two episodes as The Best Doctor Who Ever.

...you know, aside from [insert all your other favorites here], and Patrick Troughton.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Who Review: The Enemy of the World

You really miss something when you only get a dozen episodes of Who a year. Everything is just flung at you with no time for the plot to breathe organically or for the Doctor to really get involved in the setting into which he's been deposited.

The Enemy of the World is from Season Five of the classic series, which means it's in black and white and stars Patrick Troughton, the second Doctor. You might find a bit of Matt Smith in his characterization, especially at the beginning as he strips down to his long johns just to have a bit of a splash in the water. This harmless bit of characterization is probably overdone, but it works nicely because Troughton pulls double duty in this serial and also plays the villain.

Without giving too much away, the Doctor is approached by a resistance group that wants him to impersonate the villainous Salamander so that they (or he) can kill him, although a) not everything is as it seems, and b) the scheme seems to be overly complicated, given that Jamie at one point breaches Salamander's security all by himself. Despite that rather glaring plot hole, the script does move along at a solid pace, drip-feeding you information, innuendo and plot twists at just the right pace. You can watch the entire thing in one sitting without feeling its two-and-a-half hour runtime.

Obviously, goes the usual yarn, you have to make allowances for the shoestring budget and rushed schedule of the classic Who production. To be sure, there is a little bit of that here, but it shows up shockingly late in the serial. No, I'm not talking about the bit where they stick George Pravda in a hallway because they couldn't afford to build a prison cell. That's glossed over about as well as it is in any other serial. No, I'm talking about the underground fallout shelter, about which more later. But while I'm on the production values, I want to praise the team for taking the time to set up a complicated effects shot at the very end of the story, where both of Troughton's characters are in-shot at the same time.

Another amazing thing about this serial is the lack of black and white morality that certain other adventures, both classic and modern, have fallen prey to. To be sure, Salamander is an evil man. The show can never come right out and say this, but it's pretty clear from the subtext that he's taking sexual advantage of his food-taster. But his security chief turns out to be a decent human being, while his bitterest enemy is not quite the saint you might expect him to be. (Of course, the Doctor's suspicions are spot-on from the start.)

The script in general sings, crackling with little bits of characterization to breathe life into ordinarily dry info-dumps. It's astonishing to watch the first episode of this and think that it's written by the same man who wrote The Edge of Destruction, possibly the most boring Doctor Who serial ever. And Barry Letts slips behind the camera and delivers the goods - there's an amazing handheld POV shot from a helicopter taking off that looks like it belongs in a film, not in a notoriously cheap television show.

The pacing is unusually good for a black-and-white serial; it's basically the Doctor Who equivalent of Casablanca, or perhaps The Third Man, given the ambiguous morality of one of the main characters and the fact that a protracted sequence takes place in a tunnel. 

And that brings us to the one significant problem with this otherwise-magnificent gem of a serial. It turns out there are a bunch of underground proles that Salamander has duped in order to carry out his plan (because it's so evil he can't entrust his minions to do it - see what I mean about the unusual morality of this serial?). The problem is, we see these "oppressed underground proles" too often in other serials, and neither their costumes nor their performances are up to par with the rest of the serial. 

The action also gets a little bit confusing towards the end, mainly because they try to pull two switcheroos in a row, making us think in one scene that the Doctor is actually Salamander, and that Salamander is the Doctor in a subsequent scene. The first scene is utterly brilliant and so quintessentially Troughton, but I'm not convinced the payoff is worth the attempt to confuse the audience. The second time, it's pretty obvious what's going on given that "The Doctor" won't speak (Salamander speaks like Speedy Gonzales, and the Doctor mentions a few times that he's concerned he won't be able to master Salamander's accent in time).

These are ultimately minor quibbles. It's great to have this back in the archive after 35 years. Bravo to the people who found it, and double bravo to the people who made it. Final grade: A-.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Roger Moore was the worst thing ever to happen to James Bond (but not for the reasons you think)

Sir Roger Moore is one of the greatest human beings on the planet. I'm not talking about his work with UNICEF but rather how he saved the James Bond film franchise from certain demise after Sean Connery stormed off in a huff (twice) and George Lazenby totally failed to live up to audience expectations (those expectations being Be Sean Connery). Across seven films and twelve years, Roger Moore left his indelible stamp on the franchise and saved it from an ignominious death through the medium of Having Lots of Screen Presence and Being Really Really Really Good At The Jokes.

Which is why he's the worst thing to ever happen to the franchise.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

A Game of Thrones, Skyrim edition

The common people pray for rain, healthy children, and a summer that never ends. It is no matter to them if the high lords play their game of thrones, so long as they are left in peace. They never are.
-Ser Jorah Mormont, A Game of Thrones chapter 23
All right, let's go through and compare all the Stormcloak and Imperial Jarls to figure out, if you don't give a fig and/or will worship Talos anyway, which side you might as well support. I aim to answer one simple question: which side will result in having more "good" Jarls and fewer "bad" Jarls?


Haafignar: Elisif the Fair v. Elisif the Fair

Um. Elisif gets to keep her job no matter what, it's just a question of whether she's a puppet for noted drunk Colonel Tigh... I mean, noted bigot General Tullius or noted bigot Ulfric Stormcloak. Huh. No score.


Hjaalmarch: Idgrod Ravencrone v. Sorli the Builder

Idgrod has visions. Sorli has... a mine? Neither seem overwhelmingly supportive of their "side," in that Idgrod kind of evades the question and Sorli holds to the Eight rather than the Nine. At the end of the day I think a mystic is a better choice to rule over a haunted swamp than... uh, whatever qualification Sorli has. (And no, I totally haven't modded the game to marry Idgrod the Younger, why do you ask?*) Point to the Empire.


The Reach (and, for that matter, The Rift): Igmund and Laila Law-Giver v. Thongvor Silver-Blood and Maven Black-Briar
So both the Imperials and the Stormcloaks have a naive idiot who will get replaced by a haughty crime-lord whose position can be furthered (or not) depending on what actions the Dragonborn takes. A begrudging point to each side. 2-1 for the Imps.


Falkreath Hold: Siddgeir v. Dengeir of Stuhn

Dengeir is, to be sure, old and paranoid, but Siddgeir is such a tool. 2-2. (By the way, this could just be a glitch in my game, but if Dengeir grabs the throne, does that letter Siddgeir sent you when you reached level 9 suddenly change its authorship to Dengeir's?)


Whiterun Hold: Balgruuf the Greater v. Vignar Grey-Mane

On the one hand, Balgruuf is quick to respond to the dragon threat. On the other hand, he sends you into a zombie-infested tomb for no reason. Furthermore the man dithers forever in taking a side, and only throws down with the Empire against the Stormcloaks because there's more money in it.

But as not-overwhelmingly-good-as-his-reputation-suggests Balgruuf is, Vignar's worse. He's all too happy to let bandits plunder the Battle-Born home just because they backed the other side. Dick move, Vignar, and 3-2 for the Empire.


The Pale: Skald the Elder v. Brina Merilis

Skald the Elder's a dick. Like, a Joffrey Baratheon-level dick. 4-2 for the Empire. Far and away the easiest call of them all.


Winterhold: Korir v. Kraldar

Korir reminds me of Stannis Baratheon in that he's got a tiny holding in an inhospitable hell and he's determined to survive anyway. I respect that. He doesn't like the College much, even though it's the only tourist trap in his godsforsaken hold (other than the shrine of Azura, and if you haven't been there, go: it'll do wonders for your enchanting (not a euphemism, though it could be)). A bit unreasonable, there, Korir. His replacement is exquisitely bland, so much so that I had to look his name up. I'm going to give this one a tie, though. Korir's badassery is mitigated by his misguided hatred for the College. Still 4-2 for the Empire.


Windhelm: Ulfric Stormcloak Ulfric Stormcloak the Kingslayer 
Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak the Kingslayer v. Brunwulf Free-Winter

Well, either way this goes, the Empire still comes out ahead. This saves me the trouble of having to drag my own politics into this one, and is why I saved it for last. I will just note, on the subject of Ulfric's so-called racism, that he never comments on your race (even in a condescending way, i.e., "You're a credit to cat-people everywhere") and the first person to call you (say) a lizard is the Imperial captain trying to cut your head off at the beginning. So really it's not that he doesn't give a frak about non-Nords; he doesn't give a frak about people not sworn to his cause, and given that the man is fighting a frickin' civil war, I think that's understandable.

*No, I really haven't. I mean, just for a start, a comparison of their respective mothers shows that Ingun Black-Briar will age much better than she will.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Which side to pick in Skyrim?

Stormcloaks

  • Religious freedom
  • Get to wear pants
  • Empire is dessicated and needs to die
  • Get to oust that dumbo Siddgeir and the indecisive prattler Balgruuf
  • Don't have to pretend Dark Elves are people
  • Don't have to pretend High Elves are people
  • Boss has superpowers
  • Cooler titles



Imperials

  • Not racist
  • Cmdr. Ivanova is your boss; Col. Tigh is her boss
  • Better armor
  • Quick access to iron and steel
  • Only real chance at beating Thalmor
  • Don't have to oust Balgruuf and Ravencrone
  • Do get to oust the morons in Dawnstar and Winterhold

Monday, June 16, 2014

In last night's Game of Thrones, my penchant for always locking the bathroom door turned out to be entirely justified.

Part 2. Part 1 is here.

Okay, let's go back and run down all the stupid, breaking it down geographically because why the hell not, it's not as if any damn scene in that entire episode needed to be placed where it was.

SPOILERS

Sunday, June 15, 2014

The Winter Soldier review, take 2

Take 1 having been written under the influence of an extraordinarily negative fellow critic.

Captain America The Winter Soldier does one thing utterly and totally brilliantly, and it really needs a name for this sort of thing.

(Spoilers)

Some thoughts on this season of Game of Thrones (and the finale specifically)

I maintain that stretching 400 pages out over 10 hours was frickin' dumb.

To put this in perspective for a moment: On Her Majesty's Secret Service, the novel, is 258 pages long and uses a larger type than A Storm of Swords. The (extraordinarily faithful) film adaptation is two hours and twenty minutes long. There are 34 lines of text per page in A Storm of Swords and 32 in OHMSS, so let's engage in some completely specious math and claim that you can wrangle about one hour out of about 100 pages of Storm text. This squares nicely with the first two seasons.

Applying the stretching ratio that the Game of Thrones producers inflicted on us this year, we'd be looking at a six-hour long OHMSS. Bugger all would happen - granted, Fleming is a more concise writer than Martin.

Speaking of OHMSS - no, not the bit where there's a wedding where one of the happy couple dies right after, or the dark-haired awkwardly-acted hero's ginger love interest dies shortly after a battle at a high altitude in a snowy clime, or even the fact that Diana Rigg's in both, although that last bit is hi-frickin-larious - OHMSS was directed by someone capable of staging fight scenes. I mean, huffing kell, Peter Hunt is basically responsible for the lightning-fast editing of films today - a bit of hyperbole, but I stand by it - but the key difference is YOU CAN TELL WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON. THERE ARE ENOUGH SHOTS AT WIDE ANGLES AND THE CAMERA NEVER CROSSES THE 180 LINE. This is like, filmmaking 101, but apparently some people need a refresher.

Alex Graves is not capable of staging fight scenes.

I could go back and watch it again, but I'm pretty sure the Mountain/Viper fight in episode 8 was about 50% reaction shots. I'm so glad that all of these people were more entertained than I was by the fight they got to witness.  Good for them. This is, like, one of the biggest and bestest duels in the books and I was really excited to see it.

SPLOILERS

Thursday, May 29, 2014

A preview of Saturday's Caustic Commentary

How do you recycle a story that is itself the hero's journey RECYCLED IN SPACE?

Well for a start you don't give him a journey, by which I mean a "character arc." They tried that once and it got the audience all Lazenbothered. So instead it's more of the same but bigger and flashier and more expensive. It's the Star Wars prequels/toy adverts thirty years early. There's no Jar Jar Binks in this one, thank Christ, although there is a double-taking pigeon, which some philistines seem to think is just as bad.

'tisn't, really. a) it's far more in keeping with the "tone" of the film; a double-taking pigeon belongs in a film where a man has stolen a space shuttle back from the US government in order to complement his own fleet so that he can go up to his space station - invisible, somehow - and rain gaseous death down on us Earthlings and the hero drives a motorized gondola in the course of stopping him and Does Violence with a man with metal teeth and forgets he's wearing a wrist-gun during these fights (...gasp, pause for breath) in a way that cartoon rabbit does NOT belong in a film about taxes and politics and the start of a journey that transforms an eight-year-old kid into Cyborg Space Hitler. If anything's out of place in Moonraker, it's the bit with the dogs. More on that later. And, b) it takes up about 2 seconds, if that, of screentime and is thus considerably easier for amateur angry nerds to edit out than Jar Jar Binks is in The Phantom Menace.  The effect is totally rubbish, I'll give you that, and given what happened next I'm not convinced John Glen should have gotten to helm five (a record) Bond films on the basis of having rendered that, but those are other rants.  This is Moonraker, as the credits have gotten done telling us. Ian Fleming's Moonraker, appar', but Captain America 2 retained more elements of the novel than this did. No wonder this is the last "Ian Fleming's (Title)" until Casino Royale's adaptation/expansion rolls around.

Oh, while we're on the titles: "Moonraker" as sung by Shirley Bassey is gorgeous and beautiful and poetic and in no way deserving of being attached to this rot.

Is it rot because it ripped off Star Wars/previous Bonds? Nah. Ian Fleming wasn't a paragon of originality - stole a quote from Jack London for Bond's epitaph, the cad - and the Bonds are all by and large products of their times.  I "quite" like For Your Eyes Only, and I tend not to think that the film's "goodness" - not greatness - is ruined by having the Iron Lady mistake a parrot for Britain's top sexist pig of a "secret" agent. It was 1979. Everybody was cashing in on Star Wars, George Lucas most of all.

But it is a very silly film.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

QoS - the "Commentary"

Having had a couple of false starts with other "commentaries," I quickly came to the conclusion that I can't do ones for films that I "love" as they turn into gush-fests (e.g., I ran out of ways to praise Timothy Dalton's acting/interpretation before he shot Kara in the gun) or "hate" as they turn into the opposite (e.g., I ran out of ways to enjoy life before Madonna "sang" Die Another Day and decided not to), but rather can do them for films I "enjoy." With that in mind, I developed a list of films I "enjoy," meaning films I intend to do Caustic Commentaries of, and these are them:

Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, Live and Let Die, Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only (maybe), Octopussy, A View to a Kill, GoldenEye, Tomorrow Never Dies (maaaaybe), The World is Not Enough, and... James Bourne?

Surprised (a bit) to discover I "enjoy" Quantum of Solace. "Like" is definitely too hard a word. Like On Her Maj, it grew on me. (You can read that sentence either as "I like On Her Maj; it grew on me," or as "Like On Her Maj, Quantum grew on me." I intended the latter, but intent dies when I publish it and interpretation is up to you.) Unlike On Her Maj - in direct contradistinction to On Her Maj, in fact - the leading man is about the only watchable thing in this one.

Which is fine, because Daniel Craig is eminently watchable as James Bond, especially in this one. In fact I might go as far as to say he is the most watchable James Bond. Connery, Moore and Brosnan, well, you're there for things like "charm" and "charisma" and "screen presence" more than you're there for a "performance," no? (I know I'm offending basically everyone I know by lumping Connery and Moore/Brosnan in with Brosnan/Moore. They're all playing Boring Invincible Comic-book Superagent 007, only Connery's too bored and Moore's too old and Brosnan's screen presence is deficient compared to the other two. Get over it.) Lazenby? Nope; he works (surprisingly) well in OHMSS, but OHMSS was hardly representative of the series as a whole. While Timothy Dalton is basically exactly what James Bond "should" be - intense, ice-cold, grim, manipulative bastard played by a top-notch actor who can somehow throw "human" into that mix too - it's not quite as fun to watch as Daniel Craig, is it? That's cool; it doesn't have to be entirely Fleming-authentic if it's more fun. (Fleming once wrote a short story where somebody told Bond a story over drinks. Totally unfilmable, but the point was that drama and tragedy doesn't always need to involve master villains or goofy gadgets. It was called Quantum of Solace.) BlondBond - especially here - projects a devil-may-care attitude over an obviously tortured soul, and he gets away with it in a way that BatBale totally didn't. Reminds me a tad/a lot of Christopher Eccleston, a criminally underrated Doctor Who.

So without further adieu, my "commentary" on Quantum of Solace, the second in a series of juvenile humor, petty abuse, and inadvertent exposure of the creator's own crippling flaws. I speak of my "commentaries," not the Craig films.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Quantum of Solace commentary is done. Holding off on posting it because I think it's a bit tacky to (lovingly) eviscerate a film about dealing with grief and loss on Memorial Day.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

The writer and director of Skyfall have made a TV show with Timothy Dalton in it. Why wasn't I told? And also, is it Christmas already?

Friday, May 23, 2014

A preview of my next Caustic Commentary

These are my thoughts as I watch footage of a bazillion pounds of steel getting scrambled get scrambled. This Daniel Craig fellow certainly can act, and he is quite rightly billed as the star of this spectacle. Never once convinced that BrosBond wasn't totally in control during his action scenes, even that time he was skidding along upside-down inside his Aston - there, I mentioned Die Another Day, let us never speak of it again - Brosnan's scaredface is not much to write about, but then again you hadn't cast an actor, had you, you'd cast a presence. Craig is a whole different beast. "Not in control" is what he is for most of this film's underwhelming (a mercy; more of it and I'd get sick) runtime.

Bond drives down a long tunnel. Inasmuch as this is a film wherein Bond treats his license to kill as an outlet for his grief now that his cuddlebunny's gone and drowned, I'm trying - and failing - not to read much into this blatant tunnel imagery.

Having no wish to watch/hear/comment on the titles or the execrable "song", I shall describe this film at length, primarily as a means of getting the obligatory out of the way now so I can enjoy Daniel Craig Doing Acting during the parts of the film where I can see it properly:

Gritty, nervy "back to Fleming" actor (actor, note, as opposed to charismatic screen presence), in his second outing as James Bond, off on a highly personal mission despite whatever he calls it. Theoretically not sanctioned by MI6, prompting the best confrontation between this Bond and this M, even though they send at least one employee out "after" him and welcome him back with open arms afterwards.  Felix Leiter played by an actor reprising the role from an earlier film.  Fire plays a rather large role in the climax, set in the middle of a desert in South America, wherein the villain attacks a bloodied Bond with a sharp-edged weapon and completely fails to hit him despite Bond being unarmed. Bond Girl set up as a foreign secret agent (with her own slightly/greatly confused subplot wherein it briefly looks as though she's working for the villains), who is more useful driving transport and causing introspection on Bond's part than doing fights, but makes up for it by shooting one of the baddies. Main villain at one point threatens revolution against a country's dictator-for-life during a monetary dispute. Secondary Bond Girl at one point wears naught but a sheet. One of the good guys causes a collision involving a yacht. The random use of a "harmless" actor as a villain. The lead actor, doing Proper James Bond Acting, is cited as a great asset to the film, mostly by the film's (few) defenders, but they're absolutely right. The villain at one points makes a sartorial decision best described as "questionable." Scars visible on a Bond Girl's back, due to trauma she suffered at the hands of one of the villains, the one whose body is consumed by fire at the end. One villain's name is a mispelling of an actual word; another is an actual word. Gunbarrel technically present and accounted for, but done a tad "wrong." Etc.

Licence to Kill.

As for Quantum of Solace, the same, but written by about ninety billion different people on the fly, shot by a man suffering seizures all the way through, and edited by a team of (poorly) trained monkeys on speed.

New direction? Please. At least Bond's suits fit this time.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

YOLT - the "commentary"

I now present a "review" of You Only Live Twice, presented through the lens of petty abuse and a crude synopsis.

BRN-uh! BUN! BRN-uh! BUN! It's black and white again after a bold blue-tinged Thunderbarrel. On the plus side, it's just the Thunderball gunbarrel in black and white; they haven't gone back to Bob Simmons, because heavens forfend anyone get the slightest hint of an inkling that anyone other than SEAN CONNERY will be playing Bond forevermore (spoiler alert: he won't, and everyone involved in the making of this film knew perfectly well he was on his way out. SEAN CONNERY IS JAMES BOND might not be the best ad campaign under those circumstances, just maybe).

Space. The fifth frontier. Previously we've had An Island, the Soviet Border, A Golf Course and Hicksville USA, and Underwater. Yup, after "Space" we've basically exhausted all the locales on Earth. Better make this a good one then, because we'll have to fire Connery in order to free up enough of a budget to go to Mars, and then we'll use that money to actually write a decent script instead, so we'll have to set it in Switzerland. (And once that's done we'll have to invent names for locations. San Monique. Isthmus. Skyfall.)

We're off to a promising start with effects Doctor Who would regenerate for.  One spaceship eats another (still not the most daft thing we've seen in a Bond teaser yet: that would be the heroin-flavored bananas in Goldfinger) while various people squawk on the radio. Five films in and the franchise is still showing us brand new things. It's so creative, in fact, that it's not even in the book! Definitely a sign of the shape of things to come.

By the way that was Shane Rimmer in the background of one of the ground control sets, trying and failing to get in touch with Major Tom. Having lost a space capsule they'll put him in command of a nuclear submarine in The Spy Who Loved Me, and let's see if he does a better job keeping it out of enemy hands (spoiler: no).

The next scene is set in one of Epcot's golf balls and features a bunch of pretentious a-holes arguing about whodunnit.  Naturally The Britishe One is the source of reason - this is nominally a British film series, after all, even if the star is Scottish and the producers American, and most of the cast of this one have unpronounceable names and I don't mean Welsh ones.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

James Bond: The World is Not Enough

Hail and farewell to the one true Q, Desmond Llewellyn.  Last time Bond drives a BMW, thank frak, and first time the character they’ve shilled as the “main” Bond Girl turns out to be evil.
First hint that M uses MI6 as her own private army; see also the Craig films.
Men in Black was the best Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy film ever made.

Star Trek 2009 was the best Star Wars film in thirty-five years.

Galaxy Quest was the best Star Trek film since Wrath of Khan.

Work starts tomorrow

so you might notice a downturn in activity here. (Not that you haven't noticed a dropoff already after a strong start this month.)

Bond Film reviews will start again soon. No, they won't be in order. The next one will be The World is Not Enough.  

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Some thoughts on the SHIELD finale

Bear in mind 1) I've only seen the "Uprising" arc (or, to put it another way, the episodes that aired after The Winter Soldier came out), and 2) there will be SPOILERS

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Winter Soldier

This review contains politics. It's a review of Captain Jingoism: Edward Snowden Saves The Day, for f*ck's sake, what did you expect?

Well, let's start with the low-hanging fruit. It doesn't run for half an hour after its main character arc is concluded, so it starts with one up on The First Avenger. 

The film is more than two hours long, but unlike either The First Avenger or The Avengers, it doesn't really feel it. Maybe that's because it's juggling two villains and three heroes, all with ample to do, even if nothing ever quite comes to fruition.

It definitely has a political allegory... and a lot of shakycam... and some character threads to tie up from previous films. Quite a bit like Quantum of Solace, but better. Also, just because of some plot elements, quite a bit like GoldenEye.  And there's an oblique visual reference to The Third Man during the climax.  And, per TvTropes, apparently ran with some elements from the novel version of Moonraker.

Okay, I really appreciate that you don't need to see the first film - or The Avengers - to see this one, because everything you need to know is fed to you.  Once again there's absolutely no mercy when it comes to absorbing key plot elements, but this works as a standalone film in a way that The Avengers and Thor: The Dark World don't. It also has a lot less of the obvious CGI that plagued The First Avenger.

The spoiler-free bottom line is that I liked enough of it to consider it the third-best MCU film (after Thor and Iron Man).  But that's mainly because the rest of the competition kinda sucks.

It was only after I posted my review of The First Avenger that I realized the most basic problem with the Captain America character: the man is not allowed to have a character arc. The entire point of him is that he's the same guy before and after the super serum, he just has muscles now. So you would think that the logical thing to do is to send him up against a bona fide government conspiracy, force him to choose whether to be lawful or to be good, and watch his character unravel.

(Spoilers from here on out.)

Monday, May 12, 2014

So now that Agents of SHIELD got renewed for a second season, I guess I have to watch it

I don't watch a lot of TV.

No, wait. I don't watch a lot of current TV.

Basically what it is is my stubborn refusal to process a story at a rate of one hour per week. I bought the Battlestar Galactica boxset without having seen a single episode, and it was still one of the best purchases I ever made, meh-tastic ending and all. Buffy, Angel and Firefly were all discovered after they had ended, as were Deep Space Nine, Babylon Five and, of course, classic Doctor Who.  I picked up Game of Thrones between the second and third seasons (after going and reading the books, naturally).

A couple of years ago, when Dollhouse got renewed for a second season I finally started to watch that. I didn't want to bother having another Firefly on my hands, where I got emotionally invested in a story that was then cut cruelly short (...oops). Now Agents of SHIELD is in the same place, and, yay?

In a way I guess it's sort of a sort of vindication. (Sort of a sort? Note to the blogger: you are not Charles Dickens, meaning you're not paid by the word.) I am now free to express interest in a show that was watched by enough people not to get murdered in the crib by the network.  (Or, rather, a show that ties into movies that statistically everyone has seen, and has thus avoided getting murdered in the crib by virtue of being a link to money-printing machines.)

From the Blighted United files

I do not like United Airlines. I haven't liked air travel in general ever since airports became a Fourth Amendment-free zone.  But I especially do not like United Airlines.

I was supposed to spend part of this week in Virginia touring Civil War battlefields (because Civil War battlefields are awesome). The flight was originally supposed to leave at 6:15. Crazy bad weather forced United Airlines to cancel my flight after about three hours of delaying it in thirty-minute increments.  This is, so far, par for the course for America's premier jerkweasel airline.

This is how I learned that Blighted United had cancelled my flight:

I looked at the monitor and saw that my flight status was now:
Delayed until 9:15 (Cancelled).
Shortly thereafter the monitor began displaying information about a flight to St. Paul that would be leaving from that gate later that evening.

There was no PA announcement.  There was no agent at the gate counter to help the legion of angry passengers find alternative arrangements. There was an agent further down the terminal at the gate for flight to Washington; he promptly bolted.

At the front ticket counter there was one supervisor overseeing a bunch of trainees.  Now, granted, this was really late at night, but that's still just f*cking aggravating.

Again: there was no PA announcement, and there was never during the entire three-hour delay an agent at the gate counter.

What the utter hell, United?

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Derpy musings

So a show associated with Joss Whedon (but which apparently isn't "a Joss Whedon show") got a massive quality boost after turning one of its main characters evil.

Buffy Season Two?  Dollhouse Season Two?  (Come on, Firefly would have done this with Book, except, y'know.)  Angel...  Well, the closest Angel got to turning one of its main characters - as opposed to a character who showed up in the main credits for a year but was honestly never part of the "family" - evil was when Wesley got kicked out of the group towards the end of Season 3.

Now, I'm not saying this is Joss's most overused trope. Because it's not. "Team breaks up and then comes back together" is Joss's most overused trope. Exhibit A: (Marvel's) The Avengers. But of his shows that did this... they tended to do it right when those shows grew the beard.

Coincidence?

Thursday, May 8, 2014

There's a moment in Moon where Sam-5 wakes up in the medbay and Sam-6 is watching him, and Sam-5 looks down to the burn on his hand and everyone in the audience goes OMFG I forgot about that.

There needs to be a word for that sort of thing.

Here's a terrifying thought experiment

Imagine a world where you could only have one window on your computer open at a time.
Gabberfraky. I realized that I never actually did a review of Moon. I wrote about it very, very briefly back in 2011.

So that's on the menu for summer break.

A sure sign that, at 25, my childhood is finally over.

I own a Nintendo 64, a GameCube, and what until recently was a Wii and is now a very expensive brick.

I have no intention of buying a Wii U.

...okay, granted, I have a gaming PC. Never mind, folks, the party's still on.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Totally not a review of The Third Man

Obligatory:
Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.
Also obligatory:


On to more substantive materials.

I quite liked it.

At some point I will feel compelled enough to do a post that's nothing but comparisons between stuff in this film and stuff that The Living Daylights lifted from this film - by the way, if you like Daniel Craig but have never heard of Timothy Dalton, go watch The Living Daylights Right. Now.

I will say, however, that this film has a problem. It's the same problem as That Other Film What's Got Orson Welles In It That I Done Seen Oooh Okay Not Casino Royale 1967 Let Us Never Speak Of That One Again, and that's that the ending falls heavily into, um, It Was His Sled territory. And it's a bigger problem here than it was in Citizen Kane.

But more on that in a moment. There are a couple of things I want to praise this movie for.

1) the cinematography. Dear sweet lord, the cinematography is utterly stunning. Well-deserved Oscar on that one. In particular the wonderful chiaroscuro from The Reveal basically through the end of the film. A bit less so the sewer chase, which does drag a bit and - awkwardly, since it was actually filmed in real sewers - keeps looking like they're trying to pass off the same set as different locations. (Update: Ah, Orson Welles apparently refused to go down there, so any time you can see his face, it is a set.)  Still, Dutch Angles For Life.

2) Orson Welles and Joseph Cotten. (It's not Kane and Leland, it's Harry and Holly.) Especially Orson Welles - who apparently wrote the cuckoo clock speech himself - but also Joseph Cotten. Oh, and that's Bernard Lee, the original M, as Sgt. Paine. Let me back up a second here. Orson Welles has about 10 minutes of screen time and is utterly enthralling in every second of it. Even when he's foofing around in the sewer at the end.

3) The Ferris wheel scene should be required watching at film school from here to kingdom come. Welles mesmerizingly, effortlessly, switches back and forth between Your Best Friend and Complete And Total Monster.

Hokai. SPLOILERS. (C'mon, it's The Third Man. You know this one already.)

Post-Craig Review: Dr. No

 Back to the very beginning. This is a lie. "The beginning" would surely be a review of Ian Fleming's 1953 novel Casino Royale...