The confused morality of Star Wars

I realized midway through Rogue One that I was actually watching a terrorist hagiography, so let's talk about that. (This post should not be taken anywhere near as seriously as my other rants, but I do intend it to be more serious than the "Alderaan had it coming" mentality some corners of the internet have. I may veer into r/EmpireDidNothingWrong territory here occasionally, and I hope you will take it as inoffensively as possible.)

ROGUE ONE is a movie, I guess

After squatting over the franchise and curling out The Farce Awakens, Disney decided to do a movie that didn't have any Skywalkers or Jedi in it. Finally! Because that was what the fans wanted!

Revenge of the Sith is awful

Fine. I'll do it.


I still can't get over a franchise called Star Wars - "war" being right there in the title - thinks that war is so egregious and abnormal that it has to highlight the fact that the galaxy is at war in the very first sentence of the opening crawl.

Attack of the Clones is awful

Right, I forgot that Clones is considered by some to be the worst Star Wars movie. There's a case for that, so long as you don't count the Disney Trilogy as Star Wars movies, a position I endorse.

The Phantom Menace is not as awful as The Force Awakens

To demonstrate how bad The Farce Awakens was, I will now do a recap of The Phantom Menace in the same style.

The difference between drawing an inference and writing the story yourself

I have a long, unhinged rant against The Farce Awakens in the pipe, but I need to make a fairly large digression, so I'm going to do that in a separate post. That's what this is.

Good writing and bad writing have something in common: they won't spell everything out for you. Good writing will allow you to draw your own inferences to fill in the gaps without forcing you to play logic games. Bad writing will basically force you to put up a big chart on your wall with strings running everywhere in order to justify some holes.

Let me give you an example of each.

In A New Hope, R2 is looking for Obi-Wan, who just happens to be living near Luke Skywalker. This feels like a contrivance to get Luke involved in the plot, right? Except, Obi-Wan was very good friends with Luke's father, and could reasonably be assumed to be living near Luke in order to watch over his (Obi-Wan's) unofficial godson. This is a) the truth, as revealed by Episode III, but it's also b) perfectly deducible from the information we're given in A New Hope itself. This is good writing.

For an example of bad writing, I'm going to go after my biggest quibble with the sacred cow of the franchise. That's right: there's actually an example of bad writing in The Empire Strikes Back. I have analyzed this five ways to Sunday and it makes no sense, and I'm sorry if I'm about to ruin the movie for someone. Here it is: when the Imperial fleet arrives at Hoth, Vader kills Admiral Ozzel because "[he] brought us out of lightspeed too close to the system," thus alerting the Rebels to their presence. I don't understand this. Wouldn't the Rebels detect the Empire as they came in-system anyway? Wasn't the smartest move possible to come out of lightspeed right on top of the Rebel base? Isn't that what Ozzel did? Didn't the Rebels already have their shield up because they'd found the probe droid and knew the Empire was on their way?

Okay, so the only way that this makes sense, that "bringing us out of lightspeed too close to the system" is a problem, is if Star Wars sensors work like the ones in the Honorverse. In that franchise, it's easier to detect a ship translating out of hyperspace than it is to detect one coasting into the system. In that case, the best plan for the Empire would have been to come out of lightspeed outside of the Hoth System and coast in. The problem is, this doesn't square with what little we see of military tactics elsewhere in the franchise. For example, in Return of the Jedi, the Rebels do the exact same thing in their assault on Death Star II; they come out of hyperspace practically right on top of it, and are surprised that the Empire knows they're coming. We're meant to believe that Admiral Ozzel is incompetent, and yet Admiral It's A Trapbar makes the exact same mistake in the very next movie?

So in this case, not only does it require a massive logical leap to make sense of Vader's line, but on closer examination, that logical leap doesn't hold up. This is bad writing.

No, Rian, Force Flight is an abomination

SPOILERS for Disney's Weekend at Yoda's 2: The Next Cash-In

STAR WARS has a villain problem.

By Star Wars, I mean Disney's Star Wars, which is not Star Wars.

Stop remaking good movies and remake the Star Wars Prequels

Child "actors" who can't act, Jar Jar Binks, trade route politics, mind-numbing over-choreographed lightsaber battles... yeah, these aren't the biggest problems with the trilogy.

One problem that I'd like to discuss is the pacing. Specifically, Palpatine's story happens too quickly, whereas Anakin's takes too long.

To put it another way, Palpatine should not have become Chancellor until the second film, and Anakin should already have been a Jedi-in-training in the first.

In fact... Anakin, not Obi-Wan, should have been Qui-Gon's apprentice, and Qui-Gon should have died halfway through The Phantom Menace rather than at the end. Anakin killing Maul for it, instead of bringing him in alive, could have been a wedge between the two of them in the second film.

I'm just spitballing here.

Also, as much as everybody mocks the "space politics" parts, my opinion is that we actually needed more of Palpatine, because he's the best thing in the prequels.

Star Wars VIII: The Search For More Money has a new title

And it is The Last Jedi.

Because that's not officially the dumbest Star Wars title ever.

Not like titles matter. Let's be honest. You'd watch a movie called Milking the Money Tree: A Star Wars Story. 

Now, the "last" Jedi refers to Luke, right? We've been over this. Ma-Rey Sue tapped into the dark side to defeat Clueless Ren. She has great innate dark side energy because she is, obviously, Palpatine's granddaughter. So if Disney had any stones whatsoever, VIII would see her be tempted by her past, as Luke was, and unlike Luke, she'd fall.

Of course, if Disney had any stones whatsoever, VII wouldn't have been a shameless rehash of IV. On the flip side, Rogue One did end the way it did...

No, that's not what's going to happen. Luke's going to die, very sad. Rey will be the Last Jedi, all light and incorruptible pure pureness. Clueless Ren will stomp around and Pathetic Boy-Tarkin will continue to be pathetic, and guys you cannot make good movies without good villains. 

The main series is f*cked because its villains are awful. I hold out hope for the anthology films. Even if they are all Milking the Money Tree: A Star Wars Story. 

If Rey isn't Palpatine's granddaughter somebody needs to ask John Williams why her theme intro is a rework of Palpatine's.

People who say THE FORCE AWAKENS has better characters than ROGUE ONE are off their meds

No, I really mean that. As Roger Ebert once said, a film is only as good as its villain(s), and while for my money Ma-Rey Sue is a far worse character than Space Katniss, I'll just break down the villains and show you what I mean.

I'll try to avoid spoilers for the second half of Rogue One.

Guys it is time for some #RealTalk about ROGUE ONE

Rogue One is a story where a bunch of minorities are sent off to wreck the most impressive architectural feat ever created by white dudes. In the next film, released thirty-nine years earlier, their accomplishments are papered over so two white dudes can get awards in a Triumph-of-the-Will-esque ceremony.

...You really still think the rebels are the good guys?

Leave aside for the moment the #problematic fact that if you want to play a "bad" guy in Star Wars (and who doesn't), you need to either be a white dude or James Earl Jones. Let's take a look at the Empire's goal of bringing peace and order to the galaxy. That's pretty laudable. The Jedi and the Old Republic did a pretty crap job of it. The Old Republic Senate is a mess that can't do anything about a military blockade of one of its member planets - so basically the United Nations In Space. This turns out to not be surprising - the morons running the show don't even have a standing army. They're easy prey for the first tinpot dictator who comes along.

As for the Jedi, they're a creepy child-kidnapping cult (seriously, do the parents have any say in what happens to their high medi-chlorian-count babies?) who, based on their actions in Episodes I and II, don't get too heavily involved in any conflicts unless one (or two) of their own are threatened. Their "investigation" into Qui-Gon's killer produces zero results in ten years. And don't get me started on the string of downright r*t*rd*d decisions they make in Episode III.

Good riddance to the lot of 'em, I say.

Furthermore, as much crap as the Empire's "fight an insurgency with a murderbeam mounted on a massive man-made moon" plan rightfully gets, the Rebels' plan appears to be "blow up the Death Star and call it a day." Thirty years later, the First Order shows up out of the ashes of the Empire. That'd be like Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan swinging back into action in 1975 - spoiler alert, that didn't happen. How stupid do you have to be to let something like that happen?

On top of that, compare each belligerent's attitude toward the other. Both the Tarkinite and post-Tarkinite Empire understood that the Rebellion needed to be crushed; they may have disagreed as to the means, but such a disagreement is only natural when (sorry) "Shock and Awe" comes with a quintillion-credit price tag for a mobile battle station that gets blown up the second time it sees any action. On the other hand, half the Rebellion was all "oh shit let's just surrender" when the Death Star rolled into town, and the New Republic seems to be run by (sorry) Democrats. So the Empire has an altogether more serious and coherent foreign policy.

Finally - and this is light spoilers for Rogue One - we're introduced to one of the main characters when he murders his own informant. Charming fellow. What would these people do if they ever got their hands on a Death Star? I find it hard to believe there'd be any Tarkinite restraint; they'd just go around annihilating every single planet that gave them the finger.

Guys it is time for some #realtalk about The Force Awakens

Rogue One is out, and I have not seen Rogue One yet, because apparently Disney's Star Wars Fanfic releases will always coincide with the weekend where my father's side of the family celebrates Christmas in the middle of nowhere. (I for one like visiting the middle of nowhere, but there are no movie theaters around.)

But I have noticed that, aside from the argument about whether CGI Ringwraith Tarkin was a good idea or not, reviews of Rogue One tend to want to compare it to The Force Awakens.

Ladies. Gentlemen. Little green frog creatures. The Force Awakens is awful.

Wonder Woman Trailer!!!

Looks like Gal Gadot hit the gym.

Warrior women! NuKirk! A shout-out to the 1979 Superman! Shiny costume! Another Wonder Woman panty shot (this one even less subtle than the one in BvS)! That beautiful 7/8 guitar riff!

...um, that comic relief character at the end... (please don't let her ruin the movie please don't let her ruin the movie please don't let her ruin the movie)

This movie's gonna make or break the DCCU - I refuse to call it the DCEU, or "extended" universe, so long as it refuses to acknowledge the existence of the TV shows (which it can't do now because it has two different actors playing KGBeast, the Flash, and Deathstroke). Right now my money's on "make." Certainly thought this was a better trailer - and hinted at more of the plot - than The Force Awakens could be bothered to do.

On that note, y'all remember The Backstroke of the West? Somebody bought a pirated copy of the third nonexistent Star Wars film, Revenge of the Sith*, in Shanghai. With Chinese translations. Which were then translated back to English. Hilarity ensued.

*to be entirely honest, Sith is actually better than Jedi, metal bikini notwithstanding.

Anyway, somebody decided to reproduce it, by translating Return of the Jedi to Chinese and then back to English. The result is Hopeless Situation Return. Featuring an evangelical C-3P0 and transgender twins.

Friendly advice for the team behind Rogue One

Dear Miss/Sir/Gorilla Features:

Congratulations on getting to direct a Star Wars movie. Understand that the fans largely gave Abrams a pass for GoldenEye In Space, but now they're really expecting us to step up our game.

Do Not Write An SJW Protagonist
"Stop grabbing my hand!" shrieked the SJW civilian to the veteran space marine, repeatedly, during a crisis. It was funny once. Then it got obnoxious. Previously, she bitched at a junk collector and stole his property from him. Yes, Soccer Droid is property. Don't look at me like that. Speaking of...

Don't Have A Character Who Doesn't Speak English - You Apparently Can't Write That
You need to go back and watch the first six Star Wars films - you'll note that any time R2 or Chewie says something, you can figure out what he's saying because the responding character rephrases the gibberish statement as part of the answer. "Yes, I'm sure it's perfectly safe for droids," for example. In contrast, in The Force Awakens, Soccer Droid somehow gets Rey to let him follow her. We never figure out how he flips her switch from Bitchy Orphan Girl to Cute Scavenger, which appears, by the way, to be the only two modes that Rey operates on.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens: The Spoiler-Free Version

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens is the GoldenEye of Star Wars films. It hits a lot of familiar beats, but it does this in the name of dragging the franchise out of the shadow of recent failures and reigniting it for easy public consumption. There are a lot of spoilery nitpicky problems with it, starting with the fact that I can't decide whether Adam Driver was horribly miscast or the best casting decision in the film, but that's for the VERY SPOILER HEAVY post.

Oh, and speaking of Bond/Star Wars comparisons, Daniel Craig has a hilarious cameo in it.

All right, on to as much substance as I can give you without giving any major plot points away. I love the fact that, right after the title crawl, the camera pans down to a Star Destroyer. None of this ships-that-aren't-Star-Destroyers nonsense that we had to suffer through in the prequels.

The Force Awakes: Spoilers Everywhere Version

The Dalton Dilemma
There's a phenomenon in movies that I call the "Dalton Dilemma." A review of The Living Daylights, starring Timothy Dalton as James Bond, complains that Dalton's impatience with the script seeps through his performance, causing him to stomp about in permascowl mode because the whole proceeding is completely beneath him. I thought that this more accurately summed up James Bond the character rather than Timothy Dalton the actor.

What does this have to do with The Force Awakens? Well...

SPOILERS

I'm old enough to remember...

Reminder to Disney: I'll go to see Star Wars Episode VII: Feed Our Money Tree if and only if you release the original trilogy, completely untouched, on home video before the film's theatrical debut.

See, I like choices. They did this thing on the Doctor Who DVDs for at least a little while where you had the option of watching either with new special effects or the old crappy ones. If some no-budget TV show can do that, so can frickin' Star Wars.

Why I'm bent out of shape about the lightsaber crossguard

It's not so much that it's just a stupid, transparent attempt to sell new toys (it is, though).

It's not because it Westernizes the Jedi, who have basically Eastern-exclusive influences up to this point (I really don't care, but some people do).

Rather...

Yes, logically, lightsabers should have crossguards. You know, just like, logically, there should be some explanation for how the Force actually works.

In other words, the last time somebody overthought something cool and iconic and StarWarsy, we got f*cking medichlorians.