Lemme nerdsplain to you why Star Wars VII is gonna suck

Do you know what made the original Star Wars so epically awesome?


Give you a few hints: it wasn't the story (recycled from eighty billion mythologies). Or the acting (don't get me started). Or - even though it was pretty awesome - the music.

It was the spectacle.  It looked awesome. The classic trilogy - meaning, minus all of the Special Edition shit - still looks reasonably good today. (Yeah some things are creaky. But no effect in the original trilogy is as cringe-inducingly bad as, say, the CGI Neo in the Matrix sequels-that-never-happened.)

In 1977, we had never seen a lightsaber before.  In 2015, we have.  Every single effect and technical trick you'll see in Episode VII - I refuse to call it by that other "title" - you've seen before. Most likely most of them that aren't Star Wars specific you saw in Star Trek Into Darkness.

Except for lightsaber crossguards. Those are new. Because what we needed after three films of political bullshit was a sign that the franchise was taking itself more seriously. Yay.

There was a time (the late 70s/early 80s) when this sort of spectacle thing was awesome. (*cough* The Spy Who Loved Me *cough* Moonraker)  And then we had another surge in the 90s, where CGI became viable - Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park and, yes, the sodding Matrix.

If you made the original Star Wars today, it wouldn't have the same impact.  If you made Jurassic Park today, it wouldn't have the same impact. Those films showcased then-cutting-edge technology and deployed those technologies to great effect.

All we're going to get are crisper graphics.  The age of the spectacle is dead, has been for a while. Some people (*cough* James Bond *cough*) got that.

(Now, you can argue that the Craig films leeched the fun out of James Bond, and I'm happy to argue that one back and forth. But as far as rebooty nostalgia goes, I will take Skyfall over Star Trek any day.)

For the love of God, JJ, make a good film first and a Star Wars film second.

...Sorry. I got off track. Star Wars VII is going to suck because its Millennium Falcon looks like it was designed for a video game engine instead of a theater, because it has a frickin' rolling-ball droid, because its lightsabers have goddamn crossguards, and because it was directed by the man who took The Wrath of Khan and crapped out Star Trek Into Darkness.