My latest Skyrim character

is a Thalmor plant.

"How does this work?" you might be asking. Well, I'm here to tell you.

This week's Skyrim roleplay

1) strip your character buck-ass nekkid. Meaning, empty your entire inventory.
2) fast-travel to the opposite side of the map from your home.
3) get back home. No fast-traveling.

Easy, you say, right? After all, you start the game with nothing in your inventory.

Wrong. And while we're talking, call your mother. She worries.

You're handed your first weapon and armor on a silver platter in the game. Yeah, yeah you have your spells and your shouts and your werewolf/vampire lord transformation, but you don't have your enchanted gear. How many fireballs can you really cast? If you're a werewolf, when do you take that once-per-day transformation? If you're a vampire lord, congratulations, it's easier going... until the sun comes up.

You have no money, potions, or soul gems. You start out with no armor, and you'll probably have to start by making do with the crap that the common bandits wear. You don't get to keep your pickaxe or wood-chopper, so good luck making your own stuff.

Have fun!

Skyrim Modding Fun Time

As a result of one or more mods I've installed in Skyrim, my footsteps are muted, but only when I'm in third-person view and am not holding a weapon. It's very weird.

Also, female city guards apparently no longer spawn.

Still, bewbs. I mean, um, better graphics and more immersive armors.

By the way, why do people complain that "certain" armor mods are unrealistic? Have you seen the Steel Plate Armor on female characters? Or, for that matter, the vanilla female muscles? (Well, no, you haven't seen the latter because they're nonexistent.)

Dawnguard autopsy

I'm generally liking Skyrim. But not so much the Dawnguard DLC.

So, the good stuff: there are some new Dwemer ruins for you to run around in. There's a Werewolf perk tree, so that's not a complete waste now (yeah, immunity to disease is great and all, but it doesn't make up for an unarmored melee combat form or a lack of sleep bonuses).  There's a sidequest where you can explore another round of Dwemer ruins (because we weren't utterly sick of that by the time the Blackreach quest in the main game was over - oh, and, just for kicks and giggles, the Elder Scroll you used in the main game swings back into relevance here, so I hope you didn't sell it). Apparently there are new things to smith, yay.

The bad: This will take a while.

The main character of Dawnguard is an incredibly bored-sounding I Hate You Vampire Dad-style vampire lady named Serana. Literally everything she says is delivered in a tone of voice that suggests her actress really didn't want to be in the studio. (Disclosure: her actress is the same actress who ruined the female Demon Hunter in Diablo III's expansion, delivering every line with a husky whispershout.) This despite the fact that, towards the end of the story, she gets long drawn-out confrontations with two people who screwed her over. During the first one you're stuck - the game doesn't put you in "conversation mode," but it does stop you from drawing your weapon. (As soon as the basically-a-cutscene is over, just FUS RO DAH him off the balcony. Dullest boss fight ever, and this after he sends waves of obnoxious minions at you.) The second time there's nothing to stop you sneaking up behind the guy and stabbing him in the butt. "Fun."

The other characters are: Isran, a knight-templar vampire hunter who naturally acts incredibly prejudiced and... well, you know what, there are these two groups, the Vampires and the Dawnguard, and it's funny how the vampires really don't give two f*cks about the Dawnguard. That's really all you need to know.

The plot. Where to begin? Ah, what the hell, let's just go in order. Spoilers from here on out.

A Game of Thrones, Skyrim edition

The common people pray for rain, healthy children, and a summer that never ends. It is no matter to them if the high lords play their game of thrones, so long as they are left in peace. They never are.
-Ser Jorah Mormont, A Game of Thrones chapter 23

All right, let's go through and compare all the Stormcloak and Imperial Jarls to figure out, if you don't give a fig and/or will worship Talos anyway, which side you might as well support. I aim to answer one simple question: which side will result in having more "good" Jarls and fewer "bad" Jarls?


Haafignar: Elisif the Fair v. Elisif the Fair

Um. Elisif gets to keep her job no matter what, it's just a question of whether she's a puppet for noted drunk Colonel Tigh... I mean, noted bigot General Tullius or noted bigot Ulfric Stormcloak. Huh. No score.


Hjaalmarch: Idgrod Ravencrone v. Sorli the Builder

Idgrod has visions. Sorli has... a mine? Neither seem overwhelmingly supportive of their "side," in that Idgrod kind of evades the question and Sorli holds to the Eight rather than the Nine. At the end of the day I think a mystic is a better choice to rule over a haunted swamp than... uh, whatever qualification Sorli has. (And no, I totally haven't modded the game to marry Idgrod the Younger, why do you ask?*) Point to the Empire.


The Reach (and, for that matter, The Rift): Igmund and Laila Law-Giver v. Thongvor Silver-Blood and Maven Black-Briar
So both the Imperials and the Stormcloaks have a naive idiot who will get replaced by a haughty crime-lord whose position can be furthered (or not) depending on what actions the Dragonborn takes. A begrudging point to each side. 2-1 for the Imps.


Falkreath Hold: Siddgeir v. Dengeir of Stuhn

Dengeir is, to be sure, old and paranoid, but Siddgeir is such a tool. 2-2. (By the way, this could just be a glitch in my game, but if Dengeir grabs the throne, does that letter Siddgeir sent you when you reached level 9 suddenly change its authorship to Dengeir's?)


Whiterun Hold: Balgruuf the Greater v. Vignar Grey-Mane

On the one hand, Balgruuf is quick to respond to the dragon threat. On the other hand, he sends you into a zombie-infested tomb for no reason. Furthermore the man dithers forever in taking a side, and only throws down with the Empire against the Stormcloaks because there's more money in it.

But as not-overwhelmingly-good-as-his-reputation-suggests Balgruuf is, Vignar's worse. He's all too happy to let bandits plunder the Battle-Born home just because they backed the other side. Dick move, Vignar, and 3-2 for the Empire.


The Pale: Skald the Elder v. Brina Merilis

Skald the Elder's a dick. Like, a Joffrey Baratheon-level dick. 4-2 for the Empire. Far and away the easiest call of them all.


Winterhold: Korir v. Kraldar

Korir reminds me of Stannis Baratheon in that he's got a tiny holding in an inhospitable hell and he's determined to survive anyway. I respect that. He doesn't like the College much, even though it's the only tourist trap in his godsforsaken hold (other than the shrine of Azura, and if you haven't been there, go: it'll do wonders for your enchanting (not a euphemism, though it could be)). A bit unreasonable, there, Korir. His replacement is exquisitely bland, so much so that I had to look his name up. I'm going to give this one a tie, though. Korir's badassery is mitigated by his misguided hatred for the College. Still 4-2 for the Empire.


Windhelm: Ulfric Stormcloak Ulfric Stormcloak the Kingslayer 
Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak the Kingslayer v. Brunwulf Free-Winter

Well, either way this goes, the Empire still comes out ahead. This saves me the trouble of having to drag my own politics into this one, and is why I saved it for last. I will just note, on the subject of Ulfric's so-called racism, that he never comments on your race (even in a condescending way, i.e., "You're a credit to cat-people everywhere") and the first person to call you (say) a lizard is the Imperial captain trying to cut your head off at the beginning. So really it's not that he doesn't give a frak about non-Nords; he doesn't give a frak about people not sworn to his cause, and given that the man is fighting a frickin' civil war, I think that's understandable.

*No, I really haven't. I mean, just for a start, a comparison of their respective mothers shows that Ingun Black-Briar will age much better than she will.