I know nothing about hearts. Here's a post about brains instead!

Experts all over the world plus one undergraduate who once got a B+ on a Calculus paper all agree that the world is doomed. The zombie apocalypse, or as I call it, the zompocalypse, is coming. For proof, I direct you in the general direction of the entire internet.

There are a couple of bits of good news. The first is that I hold the copyright for the word "zompocalypse." This really is about as useful as as a finger growing out of my elbow, and no, perverts, an elbow-finger has no practical use whatsoever.

The other bit of good news is that it's really easy to tell whether you'll survive or not.



But I kid. Your chances of survival are actually rather easy to determine.

1: are you physically fit?

2: are you genre savvy?

3: do you have a heart?

If you answered "yes" to all of those questions, you fail and will be excellent food. That's only because #3 was a trick question. If you have a heart you'll try to save the idiot kid who really, really needs to just go away and let everyone else get on with it.

Now, I'm a heartless jerk and I know enough about zombies to know that splitting up is only intelligent until all the deadweight is gone, and then it's a great way to lose the one or two other people you can actually use. However, I'm also a blogger, which should pretty conclusively answer #1 with a resounding "no." In fact, anyone smart enough to know how to handle a zombie outbreak probably isn't physically fit enough to survive. Some people might call it a catch-22. I call it braaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.

So once the zompocalypse comes to pass, we're all dead. Some of us will be unlucky enough to be reanimated with various bits missing. Others will be only merely dead (as opposed to only mostly dead, and no, true love cannot stop the zombies. They have no brains, and no hearts either). Therefore, we must prevent the entire zompocalypse from happening in the first place. I propose we send a Terminator back in time to kill John Connor, but since that probably won't work, let's keep sending Terminators back. They'll never kill him (not in the past, anyway), but they will ruin the franchise.

On a completely unrelated note, the Blues Brothers' "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love" just came up on iTunes. I do believe my 8-year-old and clinically brain-dead computer is trying to tell me something.

It has occured to me that tuning to a top 40 station would be an excellent way to ward off the zombies. When you become a zombie, you won't want to eat brains that are infested with that, will you?


What, I put 30 seconds' worth of work into that picture! How could you not expect me to post it twice?

Of course, zombies don't discriminate. As far as I know. They lack the intelligence to do so (does this mean that it's intelligent to discriminate?!) and that means that a zombie society would be entirely, er, fair. Colorblindness really doesn't mean anything to the undead, right?

Does this mean zombies are better than us?

I'd just like to reassure you that I was not bitten while writing this post. Nor are the zombies paying me money to write propaganda for them. They're too dumb to think of that.