So I'm watching this video and I'm getting near the end and thinking, "hey, Gordon Freeman shouldn't be singing. He's the world's most famous mute!"
And then, as if to prove me right, something very funny happens.
Let's just say that this is now my theory for why Gordon never opens his mouth anymore.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
You know what? It's not the weekend and I don't care
I've been really, really bad at posting weekend songs these last... two? weekends. And anyway, to celebrate my latest obsession, as well as my defection to House-Our-First-Major-Contribution-to-the-Story-is-to-Push-a-Seven-Year-Old-Out-a-Window, here's a weekend song in the middle of the week.
Why am I rooting for the Lannisters now? Because I'll take evil over stupid any day. (That said, Arya Stark is still 10 pounds of awesome in a 5-pound bag.)
Why am I rooting for the Lannisters now? Because I'll take evil over stupid any day. (That said, Arya Stark is still 10 pounds of awesome in a 5-pound bag.)
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Omega pre-view
Trailer:
Rant:
First of all, does anyone else think that room Aria's giving her speech in reminds them of that main gathering room from Alien 3?
(Second of all, I had to stop myself from calling her "Arya," which should tell you exactly where my mind is right now.)
One of the (many) things I found disappointing (but not game-breakingly bad) about Mass Effect 3 was the fact that Aria's sidequest was so unbelievably lame. That and the entirety of Act 2. For basically the same reasons, namely that you could dodge the tough moral choices by taking a third option. (This is why I love Act 1 so much, because there was no happy ending. Either you screwed over the entire krogan species, or Mordin died. Well, that, and you actually cared about these characters; I never cared about any of the geth - not even Legion, because they were so late to the party in Mass Effect 2, and the only quarian I cared about was Tali. Well, her and Zaal'Koris. And Reegar, but he died off-screen on me.)
Anyway, that whole sidequest was stupid. First you recruited the Blood Pack by walking into a room and triggering a cutscene. Yippee. Then you recruited Eclipse by either freeing their leader and then promptly shooting her, or by convincing her spineless second-in-command to let her rot. Then the Blue Suns guy wanted you to assassinate a guy who was always called Septimus in the first game but suddenly goes by Oraka now (okay, okay, he calls himself Septimus Oraka, once). But you can get around that by pinging some random mud-ball on the galaxy map. Zzzz. Yawn. Boring.
So let me be clear about my expectations for Omega. I want Aria to launch herself gleefully off the slippery slope. And if you don't follow her, you get no war assets. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. In fact, you get less than none, because Aria decides to repay you with blood. Ideally, Shepard will meet some new, incredibly likeable character, someone the character and the player can easily bond with. This is BioWare, so it won't be that difficult. And then Aria will shoot that character in the back during the endgame. And in order for this whole thing to not have been a colossal waste of time, Shepard still needs to side with Aria. And they hate themselves for that.
Now you might be saying that paragons need to get something too. Oi. You did all the legwork to get a huge krogan score, both the quarian and geth fleets, and every other little perk. Just once, I want a paragon option that completely blows up in your face. (And no, Kelly Chambers does not count.)
First of all, does anyone else think that room Aria's giving her speech in reminds them of that main gathering room from Alien 3?
(Second of all, I had to stop myself from calling her "Arya," which should tell you exactly where my mind is right now.)
One of the (many) things I found disappointing (but not game-breakingly bad) about Mass Effect 3 was the fact that Aria's sidequest was so unbelievably lame. That and the entirety of Act 2. For basically the same reasons, namely that you could dodge the tough moral choices by taking a third option. (This is why I love Act 1 so much, because there was no happy ending. Either you screwed over the entire krogan species, or Mordin died. Well, that, and you actually cared about these characters; I never cared about any of the geth - not even Legion, because they were so late to the party in Mass Effect 2, and the only quarian I cared about was Tali. Well, her and Zaal'Koris. And Reegar, but he died off-screen on me.)
Anyway, that whole sidequest was stupid. First you recruited the Blood Pack by walking into a room and triggering a cutscene. Yippee. Then you recruited Eclipse by either freeing their leader and then promptly shooting her, or by convincing her spineless second-in-command to let her rot. Then the Blue Suns guy wanted you to assassinate a guy who was always called Septimus in the first game but suddenly goes by Oraka now (okay, okay, he calls himself Septimus Oraka, once). But you can get around that by pinging some random mud-ball on the galaxy map. Zzzz. Yawn. Boring.
So let me be clear about my expectations for Omega. I want Aria to launch herself gleefully off the slippery slope. And if you don't follow her, you get no war assets. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. In fact, you get less than none, because Aria decides to repay you with blood. Ideally, Shepard will meet some new, incredibly likeable character, someone the character and the player can easily bond with. This is BioWare, so it won't be that difficult. And then Aria will shoot that character in the back during the endgame. And in order for this whole thing to not have been a colossal waste of time, Shepard still needs to side with Aria. And they hate themselves for that.
Now you might be saying that paragons need to get something too. Oi. You did all the legwork to get a huge krogan score, both the quarian and geth fleets, and every other little perk. Just once, I want a paragon option that completely blows up in your face. (And no, Kelly Chambers does not count.)
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Lord Snow
Previously on Game of Thrones: Dany and Drogo had sex, her way (that right there is a Babylon 5 reference). Sansa was an airhead, Joffrey was a prick, Robert abdicated responsibility, Cersei was a bitch, and Eddard did the dirty work. I wonder if anything will be different this week?
So we arrive in King's Landing and learn that one of Ned's guards is called Jory. I wonder if he'll last longer than his Dragon Age counterpart. We see the Iron Throne, which is a bunch of swords melted down and forged into a really uncomfortable chair.Apparently the first Targaryen king thought that a king should never be too comfortable on his own throne There is no explanation for why it was done like this. (From now on in the re-caps for this show, stuff that's crossed out is stuff that was only in the books.)
There's not much of an explanation for what Jamie Lannister is doing there, chillin' in front of the Iron Throne, but he's actually serving two useful purposes. He's a member of the king's bodyguard group helpfully known as the Kingsguard, so he's guarding the throne (as opposed to the king's body), and he's also dispensing snark. Since he slew the last king, I'm going to say he's better at snarking than he is at being a Kingsguard member.
Next we meet the Small Council, which includes Aiden Gillen, Julian Glover, and a bald dude who somehow manages to give off more "I'm obviously evil" vibes than either of them, but that's only because Glover looks so frail that a stiff breeze would do him in (though the season finale shows he's just acting) and Gillen's character is still playing his cards close to his chest. Gillen is Littlefinger, who runs whorehouses by day and serves as the court treasurer by night. Or maybe it's the other way around, but we see a lot more of him doing the former, for some reason, I can't imagine what. The bald dude is a eunuch, and lord of the spies. He is also a eunuch. In case you didn't know, they mention that he's a eunuch in pretty much every scene he's in. So you'll never forget that the man does not have balls. Finally, Julian Glover is Grand Maester Pycelle, which I think means he's the only member of the Small Council who actually went to college. I'm sure the Crown is in good hands.
Or rather, it would be if Robert didn't just ignore the counsel of... the Small Council and run things himself. As a result, the country is sixty million dragons in debt. And there aren't any more dragons, so that's a problem. (The backup joke for this paragraph was a reference to the US national debt. Count your blessings.)
Next we get the first clue that the Lannisters are the Corleones of Westeros. This will become even more obvious by the time Episode Eight rolls around, but for now Cersei gives Joff a quick less on on federalism and then tells him that yes, the Starks are our enemies. Everyone who isn't with us is our enemy. Thankfully, Joff does not respond with "Only a Sith deals in absolutes" or anything quite as inane. For once he actually appears to be listening. Although that might be because about two minutes earlier his mother was telling him he could have any woman he wanted once he became King, regardless of who the Queen was. I don't think he quite caught the bitterness in her voice, because that would require him to think about someone else for a fraction of a second.
Ned finds out Arya has a sword. He lets her keep it because 1) Arya is ten pounds of awesome in a five-pound bag, and 2) Ned's having an off-day, so he's actually employing foresight for once.
Back at Winterfell, Bran mopes and tells anyone who'll listen that he'd rather be dead. This episode is dedicated to the actress who played his caretaker, as she is now dead. I'll pass up the opportunity for a tasteless joke and take us back to King's Landing, where Littlefinger is taking Ned to meet his wife in a brothel, and Ned understandably thinks this is a tasteless joke. It turns out that after telling Ned not to go to the snake pit that is King's Landing, Cat decided to go to the snake pit that is King's Landing. They discover that the dagger the assassin used to try to kill Bran belongs to Tyrion Lannister. The Imp, in case you forgot. Both Cat and Ned think trusting Littlefinger, a man who's lusted after Cat since long before she was married, is a smart idea.
That was actually two scenes in one, but I wanted to get my "tasteless joke" joke in. In between those scenes, Jon's completely owning the other recruits at sword-fighting, because he's a BAMF. Or rather, as Tyrion points out, because he's the only one who actually got any training. So later Jon continues to own the other recruits, but rather than be a showoff about it, he teaches them what they're doing wrong. This takes several scenes, during which Tyrion continues to be awesome.
Cersei and Jaime are alone, together. Surprisingly they are not naked, maybe because the last time that happened, Jaime threw a kid out a window. Cersei's upset about that for some reason, but she's also concerned that Bran might remember something. Jaime finally reveals Cersei's name to the audience. That took long enough.
Robert and Ser Barristan are talking about first times. First kills that is. Robert calls Jaime in to mock him some, but Jaime kills the mood by explaining that he killed the Mad King after the Mad King ordered King's Landing burnt to the ground. Gee, if only you'd said that often and loudly immediately after the fact, maybe they would mean "Kingslayer" as a compliment.
Over in Horse Country, Dany stops the entire not-Mongol horde to go for a walk. Viserys freaks out and tries to attack her, only to nearly get killed for his trouble. I'm sure he'll learn from that, right? Right? Later, after a bit of boob-grabbing, Dany's handmaiden finds out she's preggers.
Despite the fact that he's the best swordsman seen thus far (now admittedly, that's only because the Kingslayer hasn't been in a fight yet), Jon is still a raw recruit, so he won't be going out with Uncle Benjen. Then Benjen and Tyrion have an argument about whether theOthers White Walkers are real, and then Tyrion decides to go on a road trip to King's Landing with another Black Brother, Yoren. But not before he gets the chance to take a whiz off the top of the wall. Which he does.
Arya meets Syrio Forel, or if you prefer, not-Inigo-Montoya-honest. They hit their wooden swords together a lot. He keeps "killing" her, but this doesn't seem to deter her at all. Because Arya is awesome.
So we arrive in King's Landing and learn that one of Ned's guards is called Jory. I wonder if he'll last longer than his Dragon Age counterpart. We see the Iron Throne, which is a bunch of swords melted down and forged into a really uncomfortable chair.
There's not much of an explanation for what Jamie Lannister is doing there, chillin' in front of the Iron Throne, but he's actually serving two useful purposes. He's a member of the king's bodyguard group helpfully known as the Kingsguard, so he's guarding the throne (as opposed to the king's body), and he's also dispensing snark. Since he slew the last king, I'm going to say he's better at snarking than he is at being a Kingsguard member.
Next we meet the Small Council, which includes Aiden Gillen, Julian Glover, and a bald dude who somehow manages to give off more "I'm obviously evil" vibes than either of them, but that's only because Glover looks so frail that a stiff breeze would do him in (though the season finale shows he's just acting) and Gillen's character is still playing his cards close to his chest. Gillen is Littlefinger, who runs whorehouses by day and serves as the court treasurer by night. Or maybe it's the other way around, but we see a lot more of him doing the former, for some reason, I can't imagine what. The bald dude is a eunuch, and lord of the spies. He is also a eunuch. In case you didn't know, they mention that he's a eunuch in pretty much every scene he's in. So you'll never forget that the man does not have balls. Finally, Julian Glover is Grand Maester Pycelle, which I think means he's the only member of the Small Council who actually went to college. I'm sure the Crown is in good hands.
Or rather, it would be if Robert didn't just ignore the counsel of... the Small Council and run things himself. As a result, the country is sixty million dragons in debt. And there aren't any more dragons, so that's a problem. (The backup joke for this paragraph was a reference to the US national debt. Count your blessings.)
Next we get the first clue that the Lannisters are the Corleones of Westeros. This will become even more obvious by the time Episode Eight rolls around, but for now Cersei gives Joff a quick less on on federalism and then tells him that yes, the Starks are our enemies. Everyone who isn't with us is our enemy. Thankfully, Joff does not respond with "Only a Sith deals in absolutes" or anything quite as inane. For once he actually appears to be listening. Although that might be because about two minutes earlier his mother was telling him he could have any woman he wanted once he became King, regardless of who the Queen was. I don't think he quite caught the bitterness in her voice, because that would require him to think about someone else for a fraction of a second.
Ned finds out Arya has a sword. He lets her keep it because 1) Arya is ten pounds of awesome in a five-pound bag, and 2) Ned's having an off-day, so he's actually employing foresight for once.
Back at Winterfell, Bran mopes and tells anyone who'll listen that he'd rather be dead. This episode is dedicated to the actress who played his caretaker, as she is now dead. I'll pass up the opportunity for a tasteless joke and take us back to King's Landing, where Littlefinger is taking Ned to meet his wife in a brothel, and Ned understandably thinks this is a tasteless joke. It turns out that after telling Ned not to go to the snake pit that is King's Landing, Cat decided to go to the snake pit that is King's Landing. They discover that the dagger the assassin used to try to kill Bran belongs to Tyrion Lannister. The Imp, in case you forgot. Both Cat and Ned think trusting Littlefinger, a man who's lusted after Cat since long before she was married, is a smart idea.
That was actually two scenes in one, but I wanted to get my "tasteless joke" joke in. In between those scenes, Jon's completely owning the other recruits at sword-fighting, because he's a BAMF. Or rather, as Tyrion points out, because he's the only one who actually got any training. So later Jon continues to own the other recruits, but rather than be a showoff about it, he teaches them what they're doing wrong. This takes several scenes, during which Tyrion continues to be awesome.
Cersei and Jaime are alone, together. Surprisingly they are not naked, maybe because the last time that happened, Jaime threw a kid out a window. Cersei's upset about that for some reason, but she's also concerned that Bran might remember something. Jaime finally reveals Cersei's name to the audience. That took long enough.
Robert and Ser Barristan are talking about first times. First kills that is. Robert calls Jaime in to mock him some, but Jaime kills the mood by explaining that he killed the Mad King after the Mad King ordered King's Landing burnt to the ground. Gee, if only you'd said that often and loudly immediately after the fact, maybe they would mean "Kingslayer" as a compliment.
Over in Horse Country, Dany stops the entire not-Mongol horde to go for a walk. Viserys freaks out and tries to attack her, only to nearly get killed for his trouble. I'm sure he'll learn from that, right? Right? Later, after a bit of boob-grabbing, Dany's handmaiden finds out she's preggers.
Despite the fact that he's the best swordsman seen thus far (now admittedly, that's only because the Kingslayer hasn't been in a fight yet), Jon is still a raw recruit, so he won't be going out with Uncle Benjen. Then Benjen and Tyrion have an argument about whether the
Arya meets Syrio Forel, or if you prefer, not-Inigo-Montoya-honest. They hit their wooden swords together a lot. He keeps "killing" her, but this doesn't seem to deter her at all. Because Arya is awesome.
Friday, November 23, 2012
The Kingsroad
Last time on Game of Thrones: We wasted about a fifth of our screentime watching three guys who didn't even have names running around a snowy forest before they all died various horrible deaths. The last Hand of the King lay in state while the people who (probably) murdered him talked about what he knew without actually saying what he knew. The King asked Sean Bean to be the new Hand, so I'm thinking he's running some sort of life insurance scam. Sean Bean's bastard son decided to go live at the Wall. That creepy actor who was previously Son-Of-Mine in a Doctor Who episode felt up his sister before selling her off to not-Genghis-Khan-honest. The queen's brother had sex with the queen and then pushed a ten-year-old out the window when they were discovered.
Now it's Dany's turn to get it doggy-style, and it doesn't look like she's enjoying it. Also, Father Octavian is Son-Of-Mine's retainer, so the Doctor Who reunion continues.
Back in Winterfell, Tyrion slaps Joffrey for ten minutes straight while "Achilles Last Stand" plays. No, wait, sorry, that's YouTube, not Winterfell. Tyrion then orders breakfast and trades some jabs with his brother Jaime about cripples and bastards. It looks like the kid Jaime pushed out a window is going to live after all. Jaime and Queen Not-Important-Enough-To-Be-Named-Yet seem disturbed about this for some reason. Around this time, Tyrion decides to go to the Wall with Jon, but just to visit.
Then QueenNot-Important Cersei (protip: reading the book helps immensely) visits Bran and tells a really inspiring story about how her first son died. Thanks for that. Jon Snow also visits and gets an icy reception from Catelyn. Can't imagine why. Then Jon gets a visit from Jaime, who snarks at him, because apparently saying really unhelpful things is a Lannister trait (or at least a Lannister Twin trait, if you think "be proud of the fact that you're a bastard" is helpful advice). Then Jon visits Arya and gives her a sword, thus making him the coolest older half-brother/possibly cousin ever (I'm going with my theory about Jon's parentage until proven wrong). She very nearly takes his eye out giving him a hug, but it's still all sweet.
Enough visiting. Time for departures. Eddard dodges a point-blank question from Jon about his mother. With evasive skills like that, he just might fit in at King's Landing. On the road, Robert also presses Ned about the issue (I submit this as my entry for "worst pun of the year"). Ned gives some mumbled answer about "Wylla," but that probably means nothing (although every piece of evidence that R+L=J is missing from the TV adaptation... and the producers know the truth). Anyway, some timely information about Dany lets us glimpse Robert's hatred of the Targaryens.
Catelyn is so busy tending to Bran that she's ignoring the rest of Winterfell (including that four-year-old boy of hers who never got properly introduced). Robb calls her out on it, but he's distracted; seems somebody set up a screen elsewhere in the castle displaying some truly awful CGI fire. Robb goes to kick the anachronism out, and an assassin comes in to kill Bran. Catelyn, demonstrating the sound tactics that will serve her so well in coming episodes, grabs the assassin's blade with both hands. Eventually Bran's direwolf comes in and rips the assassin's throat out. We're still fairly early on in the season, so the violence is still rather tasteful.
Next we find ourselves in a frozen wasteland. Tyrion and Jon finally see The Wall; Tyrion waves a cigarette lighter during the solo to "Comfortably Numb," but nobody sees it because he's so short.*
Back in Winterfell, Catelyn finds a single golden hair in the tower where Bran fell and thus assumes that the Lannisters are responsible for Bran's fall because only Lannisters have golden hair. (Hey, maybe she should tell her lord husband that when she sees him next, and we can all skip forward four episodes.)
Across the narrow sea, Dany asks her handmaiden to help her seduce Khal Drogo. The show's target audience takes a quick break to wash their hands, and then we are very abruptly introduced to Ser Ilyn Payne, who won't have anything important to do for the next six episodes, but apparently he warrants being named before the Queen. Sansa is being an airhead (I apologize for the redundancy), and Joffrey is being a prick (again, apologies for the redundancy). Arya is being a tomboy- okay, skipping past all the redundancy, Joff ends up with a few well-deserved wolf bites on his arm. Robert abdicates responsibility (redundancy), Sansa and Arya nearly start tearing each other's hair out (redundancy), Cersei decides to be an utter bitch (redundancy), and Ned handles an execution himself (redundancy). Sansa is upset, but to be perfectly blunt, her direwolf would probably still be alive if she'd just told the truth about what a complete prick Joff is.
The camera focuses on Sean Bean's face while there's a slicing sound and a dog whimpers. For whatever reason, people apparently thought they'd actually killed a dog. Viewers are morons.
Back in Winterfell, Bran finally wakes up. He does his best not to smile, because he's literally slept through a week's worth of work and still gotten paid for it.
By now everything's introduced (except Cersei's name) and a casual viewer (read: someone who did not come to this series armed with an 800-page book) can probably follow along. So good for that. Not wasting seven minutes at the beginning of the episode setting up a threat that remains very much in the background for the entire series is apparently a smart move.
*I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I did this entire post just for that one joke.
Now it's Dany's turn to get it doggy-style, and it doesn't look like she's enjoying it. Also, Father Octavian is Son-Of-Mine's retainer, so the Doctor Who reunion continues.
Back in Winterfell, Tyrion slaps Joffrey for ten minutes straight while "Achilles Last Stand" plays. No, wait, sorry, that's YouTube, not Winterfell. Tyrion then orders breakfast and trades some jabs with his brother Jaime about cripples and bastards. It looks like the kid Jaime pushed out a window is going to live after all. Jaime and Queen Not-Important-Enough-To-Be-Named-Yet seem disturbed about this for some reason. Around this time, Tyrion decides to go to the Wall with Jon, but just to visit.
Then Queen
Enough visiting. Time for departures. Eddard dodges a point-blank question from Jon about his mother. With evasive skills like that, he just might fit in at King's Landing. On the road, Robert also presses Ned about the issue (I submit this as my entry for "worst pun of the year"). Ned gives some mumbled answer about "Wylla," but that probably means nothing (although every piece of evidence that R+L=J is missing from the TV adaptation... and the producers know the truth). Anyway, some timely information about Dany lets us glimpse Robert's hatred of the Targaryens.
Catelyn is so busy tending to Bran that she's ignoring the rest of Winterfell (including that four-year-old boy of hers who never got properly introduced). Robb calls her out on it, but he's distracted; seems somebody set up a screen elsewhere in the castle displaying some truly awful CGI fire. Robb goes to kick the anachronism out, and an assassin comes in to kill Bran. Catelyn, demonstrating the sound tactics that will serve her so well in coming episodes, grabs the assassin's blade with both hands. Eventually Bran's direwolf comes in and rips the assassin's throat out. We're still fairly early on in the season, so the violence is still rather tasteful.
Next we find ourselves in a frozen wasteland. Tyrion and Jon finally see The Wall; Tyrion waves a cigarette lighter during the solo to "Comfortably Numb," but nobody sees it because he's so short.*
Back in Winterfell, Catelyn finds a single golden hair in the tower where Bran fell and thus assumes that the Lannisters are responsible for Bran's fall because only Lannisters have golden hair. (Hey, maybe she should tell her lord husband that when she sees him next, and we can all skip forward four episodes.)
Across the narrow sea, Dany asks her handmaiden to help her seduce Khal Drogo. The show's target audience takes a quick break to wash their hands, and then we are very abruptly introduced to Ser Ilyn Payne, who won't have anything important to do for the next six episodes, but apparently he warrants being named before the Queen. Sansa is being an airhead (I apologize for the redundancy), and Joffrey is being a prick (again, apologies for the redundancy). Arya is being a tomboy- okay, skipping past all the redundancy, Joff ends up with a few well-deserved wolf bites on his arm. Robert abdicates responsibility (redundancy), Sansa and Arya nearly start tearing each other's hair out (redundancy), Cersei decides to be an utter bitch (redundancy), and Ned handles an execution himself (redundancy). Sansa is upset, but to be perfectly blunt, her direwolf would probably still be alive if she'd just told the truth about what a complete prick Joff is.
The camera focuses on Sean Bean's face while there's a slicing sound and a dog whimpers. For whatever reason, people apparently thought they'd actually killed a dog. Viewers are morons.
Back in Winterfell, Bran finally wakes up. He does his best not to smile, because he's literally slept through a week's worth of work and still gotten paid for it.
By now everything's introduced (except Cersei's name) and a casual viewer (read: someone who did not come to this series armed with an 800-page book) can probably follow along. So good for that. Not wasting seven minutes at the beginning of the episode setting up a threat that remains very much in the background for the entire series is apparently a smart move.
*I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I did this entire post just for that one joke.
Elementary, Dear George
So I'm one book into A Song of Ice and Fire and already I think I know who Jon Snow's mother is. I'm probably wrong, but I'm saying this here so I can have bragging rights if I'm proved right. (Of course, a quick visit to A Wiki of Ice and Fire to look for one reference point tells me that I'm hardly alone in thinking this.)
So the primary reason Eddard Stark joined Robert's Rebellion is because Prince Rhaegar Targaryen kidnapped Eddard's sister Lyanna. He doesn't find her until the end of the war. In the meantime, King's Landing is sacked and Lord Tywin orders the brains bashed out of every Targaryen child he can find. Robert Baratheon is a-okay with this; Eddard is not. Throughout the book, we see that Eddard is unwilling to harm children (even bastards and Targaryens), and that he is willing to lie to save them.
When he finally finds Lyanna, she's dying on a bed of blood (and protected by three members of the Kingsguard) and makes Ned promise her something. Then Mr. Honor Before Reason shows back up at Winterfell with a bastard in tow, whom he raises as a member of his family, something that is traditionally not done.
So I'm thinking - and again, this is hardly an original theory, but I'm proud of myself for figuring it out on my own - that Jon is actually the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen.
Evidence against this theory: Bran and Jon both think in their POV chapters that Jon is Eddard's son. (But Eddard's POV chapters carefully avoid the topic.) The Appendix lists Jon as Eddard's son. (But the Appendix lies; see Aemon Targaryen.)
UPDATE: One other thing, probably circumstantial. Jon's is the only direwolf with white fur (hair). What color is Targaryen hair?
So the primary reason Eddard Stark joined Robert's Rebellion is because Prince Rhaegar Targaryen kidnapped Eddard's sister Lyanna. He doesn't find her until the end of the war. In the meantime, King's Landing is sacked and Lord Tywin orders the brains bashed out of every Targaryen child he can find. Robert Baratheon is a-okay with this; Eddard is not. Throughout the book, we see that Eddard is unwilling to harm children (even bastards and Targaryens), and that he is willing to lie to save them.
When he finally finds Lyanna, she's dying on a bed of blood (and protected by three members of the Kingsguard) and makes Ned promise her something. Then Mr. Honor Before Reason shows back up at Winterfell with a bastard in tow, whom he raises as a member of his family, something that is traditionally not done.
So I'm thinking - and again, this is hardly an original theory, but I'm proud of myself for figuring it out on my own - that Jon is actually the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen.
Evidence against this theory: Bran and Jon both think in their POV chapters that Jon is Eddard's son. (But Eddard's POV chapters carefully avoid the topic.) The Appendix lists Jon as Eddard's son. (But the Appendix lies; see Aemon Targaryen.)
UPDATE: One other thing, probably circumstantial. Jon's is the only direwolf with white fur (hair). What color is Targaryen hair?
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Winter is Coming
Or, "let's not waste seven whole minutes dicking around with three guys who will all be dead before the second chapter ends."
Whoopsie, I kind of gave the game away there. And then I made an awful awful pun. Shoot me now.
Speaking of shooting, the first important scene of the episode seesseven ten-year-old Bran Stark trying to shoot a target while two older boys look on. One is fifteen seventeen-year-old Robb Stark, heir to Winterfell, and the other is Jon Snow, Lord Eddard Stark's bastard son. (Do not ask about the last names. Just... don't.) The fact that one of them gets a withering look from Mrs. Stark is probably a pretty good hint as to who's who, but then you have Theon Greyjoy riding around, and he's not even named, nor is his presence explained in this episode.
Anyway, the target is eventually hit, spot-on, by Bran's sister Arya (who I think is finally named about halfway through the episode), who's a) also aged up, b) not an archer in the books, and c) standing about twice as far away from the target as he is and could very easily have wounded him. Ah well, I'm sure that's the entire quota for danger that Bran can be put in during this episode, right?
All joking aside, while I like how the titles laid out the geography, how about spoon-feeding us the rest of the backstory while you're at it? Hey, remember the movie Serenity? The entire 'verse's backstory was told via a classroom instruction (which then turned into a nightmare for the character backstory, but that's a whole different can of crazy). How about, rather than start with Waymar Royce (not named) and his band of merry, unnamed, and soon-to-be-dead men, start with somebody giving Bran a history lesson? "Fourteen seventeen years ago, your father rode out with Robert Baratheon to end the reign of the Mad King," and so on and so forth.
If you'll permit me to go off on this tangent, Will's death had a much larger impact in the book than it did in the show. That's because we're dealing with separate mediums here. Generally - not always - viewpoint characters aren't expected to bite it. In contrast, you put three guys played by actors nobody recognizes in a show you know has Boromir as the main character (because Sean Bean always lives... right?) and you can kind of assume those guys aren't going to last very long. And not to put too fine a point on it, but theOthers White Walkers are not the central focus of this season.
Now, yes, Eddard Stark personally executing the deserter is an important moment for his character. But it doesn't matter who that deserter is. So ultimately what I'm saying is this: save the reveal of the Wall for when Jon finally sees it, and spend those seven minutes instead explaining who everyone is. And maybe why the Starks and Lannisters hate each other.
Meanwhile, Son-of-Mine from one of the better Doctor Who Series 3 episodes is busy whoring his sister out to a barbarian king. The knight protecting her is Father Octavian from a Doctor Who Series 5 episode, so go figure there. His sister isthirteen sixteen and also the reason why all the kids are aged up; her nipples are visible more often than not. Are you surprised? This is HBO, which I assume stands for Hot Boobalicious Orgies. So she has to be aged up to avoid a little thing called child pornography, and that means all the other kids have to be aged up too in order to fit the new timeline.
All right. This is one of the things that frustrates me about the book. Dany doesn't actually get to Westeros in the book. It's a bit odd to have a TV show where three main cast members never interact with the rest. Even Battlestar Galactica got Helo off Caprica within the first 20 episodes, and they were making it up on the fly. Now, yes, some of her scenes are being used for exposition, that's certainly true. But at this point I don't think there's any justification for putting the wedding scene in this episode instead of the next (unless Episode 2 was way over the titty quotient already and this one was not).
Okay, okay, I'm griping. The main players are all introduced, and they're all well-written and well-acted enough that you can figure out who they are and what's going on provided that you pick up on every clue and every bit of "as you know" dialogue sprinkled throughout.
I'm having trouble comparing this to anything else. Battlestar Galactica had a much less complicated backstory. Babylon 5 had fewer characters. The Lord of the Rings put most of the introductions on hold until the second half of the first movie.
Final verdict: as it should be obvious, this is not how I would have done it. (Then again, I wouldn't rehabilitate a character whose first contribution to the story is to chuck a seven-year-old out a window after boinking his sister.) However, all the really important details are at least mentioned (some more clumsily than others), so in that respect it does its First Episode duty.
Whoopsie, I kind of gave the game away there. And then I made an awful awful pun. Shoot me now.
Speaking of shooting, the first important scene of the episode sees
Anyway, the target is eventually hit, spot-on, by Bran's sister Arya (who I think is finally named about halfway through the episode), who's a) also aged up, b) not an archer in the books, and c) standing about twice as far away from the target as he is and could very easily have wounded him. Ah well, I'm sure that's the entire quota for danger that Bran can be put in during this episode, right?
All joking aside, while I like how the titles laid out the geography, how about spoon-feeding us the rest of the backstory while you're at it? Hey, remember the movie Serenity? The entire 'verse's backstory was told via a classroom instruction (which then turned into a nightmare for the character backstory, but that's a whole different can of crazy). How about, rather than start with Waymar Royce (not named) and his band of merry, unnamed, and soon-to-be-dead men, start with somebody giving Bran a history lesson? "
If you'll permit me to go off on this tangent, Will's death had a much larger impact in the book than it did in the show. That's because we're dealing with separate mediums here. Generally - not always - viewpoint characters aren't expected to bite it. In contrast, you put three guys played by actors nobody recognizes in a show you know has Boromir as the main character (because Sean Bean always lives... right?) and you can kind of assume those guys aren't going to last very long. And not to put too fine a point on it, but the
Now, yes, Eddard Stark personally executing the deserter is an important moment for his character. But it doesn't matter who that deserter is. So ultimately what I'm saying is this: save the reveal of the Wall for when Jon finally sees it, and spend those seven minutes instead explaining who everyone is. And maybe why the Starks and Lannisters hate each other.
Meanwhile, Son-of-Mine from one of the better Doctor Who Series 3 episodes is busy whoring his sister out to a barbarian king. The knight protecting her is Father Octavian from a Doctor Who Series 5 episode, so go figure there. His sister is
All right. This is one of the things that frustrates me about the book. Dany doesn't actually get to Westeros in the book. It's a bit odd to have a TV show where three main cast members never interact with the rest. Even Battlestar Galactica got Helo off Caprica within the first 20 episodes, and they were making it up on the fly. Now, yes, some of her scenes are being used for exposition, that's certainly true. But at this point I don't think there's any justification for putting the wedding scene in this episode instead of the next (unless Episode 2 was way over the titty quotient already and this one was not).
Okay, okay, I'm griping. The main players are all introduced, and they're all well-written and well-acted enough that you can figure out who they are and what's going on provided that you pick up on every clue and every bit of "as you know" dialogue sprinkled throughout.
I'm having trouble comparing this to anything else. Battlestar Galactica had a much less complicated backstory. Babylon 5 had fewer characters. The Lord of the Rings put most of the introductions on hold until the second half of the first movie.
Final verdict: as it should be obvious, this is not how I would have done it. (Then again, I wouldn't rehabilitate a character whose first contribution to the story is to chuck a seven-year-old out a window after boinking his sister.) However, all the really important details are at least mentioned (some more clumsily than others), so in that respect it does its First Episode duty.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Grr argh
So the election is a week behind us, but the right-wing finger-pointing lingers on, there's something like a love pentagon going on over in D.C. (and if you think that pun is lame, wait until they discover another participant), Israel and Palestine are pretty much officially at war with each other, and I'd lay 2-to-1 odds that we're going to waltz right over the fiscal cliff at the end of the year.
But look on the bright side, folks. Twilight is finally over.
But look on the bright side, folks. Twilight is finally over.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Why isn't there another BSG
asks io9.
Now admittedly, I don't watch TV. I mean, other than Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Firefly, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Dollhouse, Doctor Who (classic), Doctor Who (2005-), Battlestar Galactica (reimagined), and Babylon 5. None of which I saw while they were originally on the air, with Dollhouse (kind of) and New Who being the exceptions (and even then I have yet to see anything from Season 33/Series 7 yet, because Season 32/Series 6 was so bad I went out and bought the entire Battlestar Galactica boxset halfway through just to get some good science-fiction and I haven't found Doctor Who worth watching since then).
So I might not be in the best position to comment on this. But here's my guess.
1) You Blew It.
Let's take a look at Dollhouse, because I can pretty safely say that Whedon was trying to make his own BSG. And no, not just because Helo was in the cast and Apollo and Tigh were guest stars. But you've got this whole backstory to unravel, and the fact that pretty much any character can be a Doll. (Though actually with "Epitaph One," you could say that there's more than a bit of B5 influence on this show, too.) Now I'm certainly not going to claim that BSG was in any way good with its Cylon reveals. Four of the first seven Cylons to be revealed were revealed in their first episode; the other three were unmasked in their second. It got to the point where just about any new character who wasn't the Baddie of the Week had a 50/50 chance of being a Cylon. And don't get me started on the faces-on-a-dartboard method of determining the Final Five. But despite that, one thing BSG really had going for it was that there were only 12 Cylons. (Blah blah red herring blah blah Starbuck blah blah Daniel blah blah.) With Dollhouse, there's no limit. And because there's no limit, it feels more stale. With Battlestar you could at least kid yourself into thinking the writers had the whole thing planned out from the beginning, and with a massive cast you knew that there would still be a huge number of people who weren't Cylons.
Or look again (God forbid) at Doctor Who's attempt to do Battlestar-type episodes. You can interpret this to mean are-you-real-or-not episodes like "The Rebel Flesh" or Arc Episodes like "A Good Man Goes to War." These were both tremendous mistakes, but not because the writers were trying to graft something else onto Doctor Who. Doctor Who's entire history has been nothing but that. They were mistakes because Battlestar had done it first and best. (Unless you count Blade Runner or Babylon 5 respectively.) The first two seasons of Battlestar were such a high-water mark for science fiction storytelling that it's practically impossible to top.
So the attempt to make another Battlestar Galactica was silly from the beginning, and not just for that reason. Let's be honest, Battlestar's finale kind of ruined everything for everyone. Never again would we trust a showrunner who promised that everything was plotted out in advance.
2) There Can Be Only One.
So back in the 1990s there was exactly one show that was doing the sort of thing that Battlestar would be doing. Babylon 5, the show that nobody thought would last five years. Then during Battlestar's run there was only Battlestar. Now, according to io9, it's Game of Thrones. Why is there only one show like this at a time? Because there is a very limited number of people who a) like science fiction and fantasy, and b) are willing to patiently wait for a story to unfold week after week. These people have lives, believe it or not. There's not that big a market for those kinds of stories. (By the way, if there were, Christopher Nolan would be famous for Momento, Inception, and The Prestige instead of the Batman films, and the Star Trek reboot would be pitched at Star Trek fans instead of mainstream audiences who vaguely remember the original show, and the Star Wars prequels would never have been finished because Episode 1 would have been a box-office flop.)
There's a reason it's called "genre" fiction, folks.
Now admittedly, I don't watch TV. I mean, other than Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Firefly, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Dollhouse, Doctor Who (classic), Doctor Who (2005-), Battlestar Galactica (reimagined), and Babylon 5. None of which I saw while they were originally on the air, with Dollhouse (kind of) and New Who being the exceptions (and even then I have yet to see anything from Season 33/Series 7 yet, because Season 32/Series 6 was so bad I went out and bought the entire Battlestar Galactica boxset halfway through just to get some good science-fiction and I haven't found Doctor Who worth watching since then).
So I might not be in the best position to comment on this. But here's my guess.
1) You Blew It.
Let's take a look at Dollhouse, because I can pretty safely say that Whedon was trying to make his own BSG. And no, not just because Helo was in the cast and Apollo and Tigh were guest stars. But you've got this whole backstory to unravel, and the fact that pretty much any character can be a Doll. (Though actually with "Epitaph One," you could say that there's more than a bit of B5 influence on this show, too.) Now I'm certainly not going to claim that BSG was in any way good with its Cylon reveals. Four of the first seven Cylons to be revealed were revealed in their first episode; the other three were unmasked in their second. It got to the point where just about any new character who wasn't the Baddie of the Week had a 50/50 chance of being a Cylon. And don't get me started on the faces-on-a-dartboard method of determining the Final Five. But despite that, one thing BSG really had going for it was that there were only 12 Cylons. (Blah blah red herring blah blah Starbuck blah blah Daniel blah blah.) With Dollhouse, there's no limit. And because there's no limit, it feels more stale. With Battlestar you could at least kid yourself into thinking the writers had the whole thing planned out from the beginning, and with a massive cast you knew that there would still be a huge number of people who weren't Cylons.
Or look again (God forbid) at Doctor Who's attempt to do Battlestar-type episodes. You can interpret this to mean are-you-real-or-not episodes like "The Rebel Flesh" or Arc Episodes like "A Good Man Goes to War." These were both tremendous mistakes, but not because the writers were trying to graft something else onto Doctor Who. Doctor Who's entire history has been nothing but that. They were mistakes because Battlestar had done it first and best. (Unless you count Blade Runner or Babylon 5 respectively.) The first two seasons of Battlestar were such a high-water mark for science fiction storytelling that it's practically impossible to top.
So the attempt to make another Battlestar Galactica was silly from the beginning, and not just for that reason. Let's be honest, Battlestar's finale kind of ruined everything for everyone. Never again would we trust a showrunner who promised that everything was plotted out in advance.
2) There Can Be Only One.
So back in the 1990s there was exactly one show that was doing the sort of thing that Battlestar would be doing. Babylon 5, the show that nobody thought would last five years. Then during Battlestar's run there was only Battlestar. Now, according to io9, it's Game of Thrones. Why is there only one show like this at a time? Because there is a very limited number of people who a) like science fiction and fantasy, and b) are willing to patiently wait for a story to unfold week after week. These people have lives, believe it or not. There's not that big a market for those kinds of stories. (By the way, if there were, Christopher Nolan would be famous for Momento, Inception, and The Prestige instead of the Batman films, and the Star Trek reboot would be pitched at Star Trek fans instead of mainstream audiences who vaguely remember the original show, and the Star Wars prequels would never have been finished because Episode 1 would have been a box-office flop.)
There's a reason it's called "genre" fiction, folks.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Can Neil Gaiman restore the Cybermen to their former glory?
Asks io9.
The answer is, "is zero a number?"
Let me break this down real quick: every single Cyberman story ever with the exception of The Invasion for reasons I'll get to momentarily sucked.
The closest any Cyberman story aside from The Invasion came to being good was Tomb of the Cybermen, which was good for two episodes before it completely fell apart. You know, right when the Cybermen finally actually appeared and started talking, and you discovered that, as clever as their trap was, it was a really stupid trap disguised as a really clever trap. To break down the three stupidest elements of this trap really quickly...
1) The idea of the logic games to get into the tombs is to weed out the stupid people so that the smart ones can be upgraded into Cybermen. But the only person the Cybermen ever upgrade is Toberman, the dumb muscle. So... why did they make it so hard for dumb people to get there? They obviously could use dumb people as cannon fodder...
2) The Cybermen very politely leave a Cyberman-killing gun lying around upstairs for the humans to find.
3) The tombs are downstairs. The revitalizing unit is upstairs. There's a giant hatch between the two levels that can only be opened from upstairs.
And really every Cyberman story except for The Invasion is about as stupid as that one. The Invasion works for the exact same reason that Genesis of the Daleks works. The familiar monsters are relegated to the background, and a far more interesting villain is allowed to steal the spotlight.
And Moffat's quote disturbs me too. The Cybermen were almost never presented as an "awesome military force." The Moonbase featured a tiny strike force. Tombs featured the last remnants of a defeated civilization. Both Revenge of the Cybermen and Earthshock saw the... last remnants of a defeated civilization try one last time to get revenge. Furthermore, the scariest thing about them was not that "they could be right behind you without you knowing it," but that you could be turned into one of them.
Three years ago I couldn't imagine myself asking this, but does Moffat even understand Doctor Who?
The answer is, "is zero a number?"
Let me break this down real quick: every single Cyberman story ever with the exception of The Invasion for reasons I'll get to momentarily sucked.
The closest any Cyberman story aside from The Invasion came to being good was Tomb of the Cybermen, which was good for two episodes before it completely fell apart. You know, right when the Cybermen finally actually appeared and started talking, and you discovered that, as clever as their trap was, it was a really stupid trap disguised as a really clever trap. To break down the three stupidest elements of this trap really quickly...
1) The idea of the logic games to get into the tombs is to weed out the stupid people so that the smart ones can be upgraded into Cybermen. But the only person the Cybermen ever upgrade is Toberman, the dumb muscle. So... why did they make it so hard for dumb people to get there? They obviously could use dumb people as cannon fodder...
2) The Cybermen very politely leave a Cyberman-killing gun lying around upstairs for the humans to find.
3) The tombs are downstairs. The revitalizing unit is upstairs. There's a giant hatch between the two levels that can only be opened from upstairs.
And really every Cyberman story except for The Invasion is about as stupid as that one. The Invasion works for the exact same reason that Genesis of the Daleks works. The familiar monsters are relegated to the background, and a far more interesting villain is allowed to steal the spotlight.
And Moffat's quote disturbs me too. The Cybermen were almost never presented as an "awesome military force." The Moonbase featured a tiny strike force. Tombs featured the last remnants of a defeated civilization. Both Revenge of the Cybermen and Earthshock saw the... last remnants of a defeated civilization try one last time to get revenge. Furthermore, the scariest thing about them was not that "they could be right behind you without you knowing it," but that you could be turned into one of them.
Three years ago I couldn't imagine myself asking this, but does Moffat even understand Doctor Who?
Lair of the Shadow Broker Part 2
is what I thought of when I saw this promotional image for Mass Effect 3: Omega.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Seriously, Disney, just make the Thrawn films
So popular opinion seems to be that Disney's not going to adapt the Thrawn books and instead make something original, possibly involving the next generation of Skywalkers and Solo-Skywalkers so that we can have the original actors back (because re-casting beloved characters is always a recipe for disaster, right?)
So let me be clear: when Disney makes a new Star Wars film, I'm going to review it on this blog. And I will automatically deduct half the points if Thrawn is not in it.
Because here's the thing: as much as Episodes II and III sucked, George Lucas at least listened to us and reduced Jar Jar Binks to a cameo. In a completely different franchise, BioWare finally caved an gave us a better ending to Mass Effect 3. We are, for better or worse, in the Era of the Entitled Fanboy. And Disney would do well to acknowledge that.
Besides all of that, here is one very solid reason why the Episode VII should be titled Heir to the Empire.
The fans kind of have the Thrawn trilogy on a special pedestal. We know the plot's a bit iffy, but it's the smartest jumping-off point that currently exists, and it won't require the fans to take a massive leap of faith.
It would be a much bigger risk, in light of the prequels, to go off to another generation for adventures. Understand that Episode VII will be a) the first Star Wars film made by Disney, and b) assumed to be the first Star Wars film made by someone other than George Lucas (I direct you to my earlier post on this matter, although I recant on a different point there; I'd cast Fillion as Han Solo and Mark Sheppard as Karrde).
With that in mind, this is the time to play it safe. I don't want to say "Do what Star Trek the Star Trek did," but do what Star Trek the Star Trek did. Strip everything back down to its basics so that the dumb mainstream audience can follow along, but tell a story you know the fans will love.
In short, make thefrakking kriffing Thrawn films.
So let me be clear: when Disney makes a new Star Wars film, I'm going to review it on this blog. And I will automatically deduct half the points if Thrawn is not in it.
Because here's the thing: as much as Episodes II and III sucked, George Lucas at least listened to us and reduced Jar Jar Binks to a cameo. In a completely different franchise, BioWare finally caved an gave us a better ending to Mass Effect 3. We are, for better or worse, in the Era of the Entitled Fanboy. And Disney would do well to acknowledge that.
Besides all of that, here is one very solid reason why the Episode VII should be titled Heir to the Empire.
The fans kind of have the Thrawn trilogy on a special pedestal. We know the plot's a bit iffy, but it's the smartest jumping-off point that currently exists, and it won't require the fans to take a massive leap of faith.
It would be a much bigger risk, in light of the prequels, to go off to another generation for adventures. Understand that Episode VII will be a) the first Star Wars film made by Disney, and b) assumed to be the first Star Wars film made by someone other than George Lucas (I direct you to my earlier post on this matter, although I recant on a different point there; I'd cast Fillion as Han Solo and Mark Sheppard as Karrde).
With that in mind, this is the time to play it safe. I don't want to say "Do what Star Trek the Star Trek did," but do what Star Trek the Star Trek did. Strip everything back down to its basics so that the dumb mainstream audience can follow along, but tell a story you know the fans will love.
In short, make the
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Star Disney Wars 3
So I just remembered... Toy Story 2 has Vader Breath and an "I am your father" gag.
I would not have guessed
...that fans of Battlestar Galactica are more likely to vote Obama than fans of Star Trek: The Next Generation. But apparently this chart says otherwise.
And according to this thingy, I'm only 57% likely to vote Romney on Tuesday. Go figure.
Finally, according to this chart, fans of the Atlas Shrugged movie are just as partisan as fans of RENT (not surprising), but are much more likely to vote (kind of surprising).
And according to this thingy, I'm only 57% likely to vote Romney on Tuesday. Go figure.
Finally, according to this chart, fans of the Atlas Shrugged movie are just as partisan as fans of RENT (not surprising), but are much more likely to vote (kind of surprising).
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Image of the Week: Pearl Harbor and the Fog of War
I follow a lot of naval history accounts, so this "Japanese map showing their assessment of the damage done to the United States flee...
