The Kingsroad

Last time on Game of Thrones: We wasted about a fifth of our screentime watching three guys who didn't even have names running around a snowy forest before they all died various horrible deaths.  The last Hand of the King lay in state while the people who (probably) murdered him talked about what he knew without actually saying what he knew. The King asked Sean Bean to be the new Hand, so I'm thinking he's running some sort of life insurance scam. Sean Bean's bastard son decided to go live at the Wall.  That creepy actor who was previously Son-Of-Mine in a Doctor Who episode felt up his sister before selling her off to not-Genghis-Khan-honest. The queen's brother had sex with the queen and then pushed a ten-year-old out the window when they were discovered.

Now it's Dany's turn to get it doggy-style, and it doesn't look like she's enjoying it. Also, Father Octavian is Son-Of-Mine's retainer, so the Doctor Who reunion continues.

Back in Winterfell, Tyrion slaps Joffrey for ten minutes straight while "Achilles Last Stand" plays. No, wait, sorry, that's YouTube, not Winterfell. Tyrion then orders breakfast and trades some jabs with his brother Jaime about cripples and bastards. It looks like the kid Jaime pushed out a window is going to live after all. Jaime and Queen Not-Important-Enough-To-Be-Named-Yet seem disturbed about this for some reason. Around this time, Tyrion decides to go to the Wall with Jon, but just to visit.

Then Queen Not-Important Cersei (protip: reading the book helps immensely) visits Bran and tells a really inspiring story about how her first son died. Thanks for that. Jon Snow also visits and gets an icy reception from Catelyn. Can't imagine why. Then Jon gets a visit from Jaime, who snarks at him, because apparently saying really unhelpful things is a Lannister trait (or at least a Lannister Twin trait, if you think "be proud of the fact that you're a bastard" is helpful advice).  Then Jon visits Arya and gives her a sword, thus making him the coolest older half-brother/possibly cousin ever (I'm going with my theory about Jon's parentage until proven wrong). She very nearly takes his eye out giving him a hug, but it's still all sweet.

Enough visiting. Time for departures. Eddard dodges a point-blank question from Jon about his mother. With evasive skills like that, he just might fit in at King's Landing. On the road, Robert also presses Ned about the issue (I submit this as my entry for "worst pun of the year"). Ned gives some mumbled answer about "Wylla," but that probably means nothing (although every piece of evidence that R+L=J is missing from the TV adaptation... and the producers know the truth). Anyway, some timely information about Dany lets us glimpse Robert's hatred of the Targaryens.

Catelyn is so busy tending to Bran that she's ignoring the rest of Winterfell (including that four-year-old boy of hers who never got properly introduced). Robb calls her out on it, but he's distracted; seems somebody set up a screen elsewhere in the castle displaying some truly awful CGI fire. Robb goes to kick the anachronism out, and an assassin comes in to kill Bran. Catelyn, demonstrating the sound tactics that will serve her so well in coming episodes, grabs the assassin's blade with both hands. Eventually Bran's direwolf comes in and rips the assassin's throat out. We're still fairly early on in the season, so the violence is still rather tasteful.

Next we find ourselves in a frozen wasteland. Tyrion and Jon finally see The Wall; Tyrion waves a cigarette lighter during the solo to "Comfortably Numb," but nobody sees it because he's so short.*

Back in Winterfell, Catelyn finds a single golden hair in the tower where Bran fell and thus assumes that the Lannisters are responsible for Bran's fall because only Lannisters have golden hair. (Hey, maybe she should tell her lord husband that when she sees him next, and we can all skip forward four episodes.)

Across the narrow sea, Dany asks her handmaiden to help her seduce Khal Drogo. The show's target audience takes a quick break to wash their hands, and then we are very abruptly introduced to Ser Ilyn Payne, who won't have anything important to do for the next six episodes, but apparently he warrants being named before the Queen.  Sansa is being an airhead (I apologize for the redundancy), and Joffrey is being a prick (again, apologies for the redundancy). Arya is being a tomboy- okay, skipping past all the redundancy, Joff ends up with a few well-deserved wolf bites on his arm. Robert abdicates responsibility (redundancy), Sansa and Arya nearly start tearing each other's hair out (redundancy), Cersei decides to be an utter bitch (redundancy), and Ned handles an execution himself (redundancy). Sansa is upset, but to be perfectly blunt, her direwolf would probably still be alive if she'd just told the truth about what a complete prick Joff is.

The camera focuses on Sean Bean's face while there's a slicing sound and a dog whimpers. For whatever reason, people apparently thought they'd actually killed a dog. Viewers are morons.

Back in Winterfell, Bran finally wakes up. He does his best not to smile, because he's literally slept through a week's worth of work and still gotten paid for it.

By now everything's introduced (except Cersei's name) and a casual viewer (read: someone who did not come to this series armed with an 800-page book) can probably follow along. So good for that. Not wasting seven minutes at the beginning of the episode setting up a threat that remains very much in the background for the entire series is apparently a smart move.

*I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I did this entire post just for that one joke.