Lord Snow

Previously on Game of Thrones: Dany and Drogo had sex, her way (that right there is a Babylon 5 reference). Sansa was an airhead, Joffrey was a prick, Robert abdicated responsibility, Cersei was a bitch, and Eddard did the dirty work. I wonder if anything will be different this week?

So we arrive in King's Landing and learn that one of Ned's guards is called Jory. I wonder if he'll last longer than his Dragon Age counterpart. We see the Iron Throne, which is a bunch of swords melted down and forged into a really uncomfortable chair. Apparently the first Targaryen king thought that a king should never be too comfortable on his own throne There is no explanation for why it was done like this. (From now on in the re-caps for this show, stuff that's crossed out is stuff that was only in the books.)

There's not much of an explanation for what Jamie Lannister is doing there, chillin' in front of the Iron Throne, but he's actually serving two useful purposes. He's a member of the king's bodyguard group helpfully known as the Kingsguard, so he's guarding the throne (as opposed to the king's body), and he's also dispensing snark. Since he slew the last king, I'm going to say he's better at snarking than he is at being a Kingsguard member.

Next we meet the Small Council, which includes Aiden Gillen, Julian Glover, and a bald dude who somehow manages to give off more "I'm obviously evil" vibes than either of them, but that's only because Glover looks so frail that a stiff breeze would do him in (though the season finale shows he's just acting) and Gillen's character is still playing his cards close to his chest. Gillen is Littlefinger, who runs whorehouses by day and serves as the court treasurer by night. Or maybe it's the other way around, but we see a lot more of him doing the former, for some reason, I can't imagine what. The bald dude is a eunuch, and lord of the spies. He is also a eunuch. In case you didn't know, they mention that he's a eunuch in pretty much every scene he's in. So you'll never forget that the man does not have balls. Finally, Julian Glover is Grand Maester Pycelle, which I think means he's the only member of the Small Council who actually went to college. I'm sure the Crown is in good hands.

Or rather, it would be if Robert didn't just ignore the counsel of... the Small Council and run things himself. As a result, the country is sixty million dragons in debt. And there aren't any more dragons, so that's a problem. (The backup joke for this paragraph was a reference to the US national debt. Count your blessings.)

Next we get the first clue that the Lannisters are the Corleones of Westeros. This will become even more obvious by the time Episode Eight rolls around, but for now Cersei gives Joff a quick less on on federalism and then tells him that yes, the Starks are our enemies. Everyone who isn't with us is our enemy. Thankfully, Joff does not respond with "Only a Sith deals in absolutes" or anything quite as inane. For once he actually appears to be listening. Although that might be because about two minutes earlier his mother was telling him he could have any woman he wanted once he became King, regardless of who the Queen was. I don't think he quite caught the bitterness in her voice, because that would require him to think about someone else for a fraction of a second.

Ned finds out Arya has a sword. He lets her keep it because 1) Arya is ten pounds of awesome in a five-pound bag, and 2) Ned's having an off-day, so he's actually employing foresight for once.

Back at Winterfell, Bran mopes and tells anyone who'll listen that he'd rather be dead. This episode is dedicated to the actress who played his caretaker, as she is now dead. I'll pass up the opportunity for a tasteless joke and take us back to King's Landing, where Littlefinger is taking Ned to meet his wife in a brothel, and Ned understandably thinks this is a tasteless joke.  It turns out that after telling Ned not to go to the snake pit that is King's Landing, Cat decided to go to the snake pit that is King's Landing. They discover that the dagger the assassin used to try to kill Bran belongs to Tyrion Lannister. The Imp, in case you forgot.  Both Cat and Ned think trusting Littlefinger, a man who's lusted after Cat since long before she was married, is a smart idea.

That was actually two scenes in one, but I wanted to get my "tasteless joke" joke in.  In between those scenes, Jon's completely owning the other recruits at sword-fighting, because he's a BAMF. Or rather, as Tyrion points out, because he's the only one who actually got any training. So later Jon continues to own the other recruits, but rather than be a showoff about it, he teaches them what they're doing wrong. This takes several scenes, during which Tyrion continues to be awesome.

Cersei and Jaime are alone, together. Surprisingly they are not naked, maybe because the last time that happened, Jaime threw a kid out a window. Cersei's upset about that for some reason, but she's also concerned that Bran might remember something. Jaime finally reveals Cersei's name to the audience. That took long enough.

Robert and Ser Barristan are talking about first times. First kills that is. Robert calls Jaime in to mock him some, but Jaime kills the mood by explaining that he killed the Mad King after the Mad King ordered King's Landing burnt to the ground. Gee, if only you'd said that often and loudly immediately after the fact, maybe they would mean "Kingslayer" as a compliment.

Over in Horse Country, Dany stops the entire not-Mongol horde to go for a walk. Viserys freaks out and tries to attack her, only to nearly get killed for his trouble. I'm sure he'll learn from that, right? Right? Later, after a bit of boob-grabbing, Dany's handmaiden finds out she's preggers.

Despite the fact that he's the best swordsman seen thus far (now admittedly, that's only because the Kingslayer hasn't been in a fight yet), Jon is still a raw recruit, so he won't be going out with Uncle Benjen.  Then Benjen and Tyrion have an argument about whether the Others White Walkers are real, and then Tyrion decides to go on a road trip to King's Landing with another Black Brother, Yoren. But not before he gets the chance to take a whiz off the top of the wall. Which he does.

Arya meets Syrio Forel, or if you prefer, not-Inigo-Montoya-honest. They hit their wooden swords together a lot. He keeps "killing" her, but this doesn't seem to deter her at all. Because Arya is awesome.