People who say THE FORCE AWAKENS has better characters than ROGUE ONE are off their meds

No, I really mean that. As Roger Ebert once said, a film is only as good as its villain(s), and while for my money Ma-Rey Sue is a far worse character than Space Katniss, I'll just break down the villains and show you what I mean.

I'll try to avoid spoilers for the second half of Rogue One.

Guys it is time for some #RealTalk about ROGUE ONE

Rogue One is a story where a bunch of minorities are sent off to wreck the most impressive architectural feat ever created by white dudes. In the next film, released thirty-nine years earlier, their accomplishments are papered over so two white dudes can get awards in a Triumph-of-the-Will-esque ceremony.

...You really still think the rebels are the good guys?

Leave aside for the moment the #problematic fact that if you want to play a "bad" guy in Star Wars (and who doesn't), you need to either be a white dude or James Earl Jones. Let's take a look at the Empire's goal of bringing peace and order to the galaxy. That's pretty laudable. The Jedi and the Old Republic did a pretty crap job of it. The Old Republic Senate is a mess that can't do anything about a military blockade of one of its member planets - so basically the United Nations In Space. This turns out to not be surprising - the morons running the show don't even have a standing army. They're easy prey for the first tinpot dictator who comes along.

As for the Jedi, they're a creepy child-kidnapping cult (seriously, do the parents have any say in what happens to their high medi-chlorian-count babies?) who, based on their actions in Episodes I and II, don't get too heavily involved in any conflicts unless one (or two) of their own are threatened. Their "investigation" into Qui-Gon's killer produces zero results in ten years. And don't get me started on the string of downright r*t*rd*d decisions they make in Episode III.

Good riddance to the lot of 'em, I say.

Furthermore, as much crap as the Empire's "fight an insurgency with a murderbeam mounted on a massive man-made moon" plan rightfully gets, the Rebels' plan appears to be "blow up the Death Star and call it a day." Thirty years later, the First Order shows up out of the ashes of the Empire. That'd be like Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan swinging back into action in 1975 - spoiler alert, that didn't happen. How stupid do you have to be to let something like that happen?

On top of that, compare each belligerent's attitude toward the other. Both the Tarkinite and post-Tarkinite Empire understood that the Rebellion needed to be crushed; they may have disagreed as to the means, but such a disagreement is only natural when (sorry) "Shock and Awe" comes with a quintillion-credit price tag for a mobile battle station that gets blown up the second time it sees any action. On the other hand, half the Rebellion was all "oh shit let's just surrender" when the Death Star rolled into town, and the New Republic seems to be run by (sorry) Democrats. So the Empire has an altogether more serious and coherent foreign policy.

Finally - and this is light spoilers for Rogue One - we're introduced to one of the main characters when he murders his own informant. Charming fellow. What would these people do if they ever got their hands on a Death Star? I find it hard to believe there'd be any Tarkinite restraint; they'd just go around annihilating every single planet that gave them the finger.

Guys it is time for some #realtalk about The Force Awakens

Rogue One is out, and I have not seen Rogue One yet, because apparently Disney's Star Wars Fanfic releases will always coincide with the weekend where my father's side of the family celebrates Christmas in the middle of nowhere. (I for one like visiting the middle of nowhere, but there are no movie theaters around.)

But I have noticed that, aside from the argument about whether CGI Ringwraith Tarkin was a good idea or not, reviews of Rogue One tend to want to compare it to The Force Awakens.

Ladies. Gentlemen. Little green frog creatures. The Force Awakens is awful.

Jim reads comics: Batgirl and the Birds of Prey # 4

In the span of the last two issues, Batgirl and the Birds of Prey went from being "meh" to being actually pretty darn good.

Wonder Woman Trailer!!!

Looks like Gal Gadot hit the gym.

Warrior women! NuKirk! A shout-out to the 1979 Superman! Shiny costume! Another Wonder Woman panty shot (this one even less subtle than the one in BvS)! That beautiful 7/8 guitar riff!

...um, that comic relief character at the end... (please don't let her ruin the movie please don't let her ruin the movie please don't let her ruin the movie)

This movie's gonna make or break the DCCU - I refuse to call it the DCEU, or "extended" universe, so long as it refuses to acknowledge the existence of the TV shows (which it can't do now because it has two different actors playing KGBeast, the Flash, and Deathstroke). Right now my money's on "make." Certainly thought this was a better trailer - and hinted at more of the plot - than The Force Awakens could be bothered to do.

On that note, y'all remember The Backstroke of the West? Somebody bought a pirated copy of the third nonexistent Star Wars film, Revenge of the Sith*, in Shanghai. With Chinese translations. Which were then translated back to English. Hilarity ensued.

*to be entirely honest, Sith is actually better than Jedi, metal bikini notwithstanding.

Anyway, somebody decided to reproduce it, by translating Return of the Jedi to Chinese and then back to English. The result is Hopeless Situation Return. Featuring an evangelical C-3P0 and transgender twins.

Remember when I used to do weekend songs?

Well here.

Go Cubs.

So is Arrow going back to being Batman with Archery?

Because joining the cast is Talia al-Ghul, famous for being Bruce Wayne's #2 love interest (after Selina "Catwoman" Kyle) and also the mother of his son Damian "Robin V" Wayne. (Yes, there were five frickin' Robins in the pre-Flashpoint continuity.)

Air and Space Museum Dump

MASSIVE pile o' pics below the fold

I made this point. Didn't I make this point?

I think I did.

The Bat-Family Cinematic Universe.

This week in comics: Suicide Squad #4

That other book I'm reading also had an issue out this week. Yay double feature!

This week in comics: Batgirl and the Birds of Prey #3

I don't know how, but somehow the two books I'm reading both had releases this week. So here's my review of 'em.

"Huntress" in Arrow 1x17: "The Huntress Returns"

Yeah not really.

The next Batfilm is gonna be UNDER THE HOOD, isn't it? FML

Please note: this post contains graphic images that are not for children.

(I never post warnings like that, but I've never posted those frames from two 1988 Batman stories before.)

Under the Hood is, in fact, the worst Batman story I have ever read. It will probably take me several blog posts to explain exactly why that is. Fortunately I have nothing better to do at the moment, so here's Part 1.

Huntress in Arrow 1x07 and 1x08: "Muse of Fire" and "Vendetta"

This is not a proper review of the episodes: I'm just talking about a character I like quite a lot, and how she was adapted in her first appearances on Arrow.

You want a dark tone, DC? Do the Bat-family. Really!

Interesting article from the occasionally-still-interesting io9 last week. Relevant snippets include:

[Based on the relative receptions of Superman Returns and Bat-Bale], WB decided the grounded and gritty take that worked for Batman would also work for all of DC’s superheroes, including Superman.
[...]
Marvel’s success with its cinematic universe was undeniable, culminating in the 2012 Avengers movie. Warner Bros. saw Marvel working through a 10-year plan for its superheroes and thought that was what they were missing. What they didn’t get was that Marvel’s plan hinged on making a bunch of different kinds of superhero movies and then teaming them up. (I.e., Iron Man wasn’t followed by trying to remake the exact same movie, with the exact same tone, just with a different hero.)
[...]
If Wonder Woman is received well, don’t suddenly decide to replicate it in every other movie. If they suddenly try to turn Aquaman and The Flash into World War I movies, we’ll know Warner Bros. is still not learning what they need to.

And this is the opportunity for me to build off my earlier post about some ideas for a Bat-family Cinematic Universe. (Note: as I'm now in the middle of re-reading No Man's Land for the first time in ten years, I've noticed that I got some details wrong in that post. Nothing too significant to warrant me actually changing it, but yes, Batman's reasons for kicking Huntress out of his club are different than the ones I gave, I know.)

I found a Game of Thrones Season Six wishlist. Hahahahahahaha.

I was rooting around in the deepest darkest depths of my computer where no sane man dares tread, and I found a list I'd written earlier this year of all the stuff I wanted to have happen in Season Six of Game of Thrones. Here's that list.

Some BatFamily Things the DCEU Should Adapt (And Why They Won't)

The short answer for "why they won't" will boil down to "Batman has this reputation as a grim loner even though the Bat-Family is frickin' huge, and who cares about the guy who doesn't have superpowers? I mean, how can Zack Snyder get his God issues shoehorned in there?"

Some Musings on the DCCU

1. Zack Snyder was a really weird choice to lead this up
Especially coming off of Sucker Punch, both because it was a "flop" (I've noticed this word suddenly has no consistent meaning in the wake of The SJW Campaign To Prop Up The Corpse Of Fake Ghostbusters By Shitting On Suicide Squad, but I digress - and, FWIW, Fake Ghostbusters was marginally more successful less of a box office disaster than Sucker Punch) and because it's his most un-commercial film, ever. What, did the "White Rabbit" sequence really just floor the studio execs. or did they think that While He Raped Me, I Closed My Eyes And Went To My Happy Place, The Movie could steal a chunk of Marvel's Underpants Brigade's audience?

2. Having picked Snyder, the studio then kneecapped him
There is near-unanimous agreement that the extended/director's/ultimate cuts of Watchmen, Sucker Punch, and now Dawn of Justice are better than the theatrical versions. In other words, get this, people are more receptive to something approximating Snyder's original vision rather than the watered-down version the studio and censors approve of. And yet Warner Brothers still forced him to carve out thirty minutes of plot-hole-patching from Dawn of Justice. When will they learn? Snyder is a controversial pick, yes, but by picking him you've chosen to pander to the Snyder-supporters and Snyder-curious* at the expense of the Snyder-loathers. Don't backtrack on that now and alienate his fans by watering down his vision. You chose Snyder to helm your five-years-too-late rival to Marvel's Underpants Brigade. Either get out of the way and let him do his thing, or bring in a more conventional director to run the show.

*Which of these camps am I in? Dunno: I thought 300 was okay, ish, Watchmen was good, Sucker Punch was deranged and demented and totally inaccessible to a casual audience (read: my parents) but also psychotically brilliant, Man of Steel was sh*t, and Dawn of Justice was okay, ish. Since my favorite Snyder film - Sucker Punch** - is also the Snyder-iest Snyder film, does that make me a Snyder-supporter even though the rest of his output averages out to about "meh?"

**Look, it gets in your head and makes you analyze it, and besides the soundtrack is killer, all right? That film is pure thought-bait for someone like me, did you see the incoherent mess that my review was? (N.B., I do not stand by everything I wrote in that review; I wrote it when I'd only half-figured out the film and never wrote a follow-up. That "review" is literally me piecing my day-after-watching thoughts on the film together on the page in real time.) Don't judge me.

3. Unless they fire/demote Snyder, they're probably going down in flames
Tainted goods at this point.

4. If they do fire/demote Snyder, Wonder Woman is probably going to be sh*t.
Because look at the premise and tell me it couldn't easily be a steaming pile of Fake Ghostbusters-esque feminist crap.

5. They are f*cked.
Oh well.

Why Suicide Squad Got Bad Reviews: A Theory

Let's play a game.

Spectre made 3.5x its budget. Rotten Tomatoes score: 65%
The Force Awakens made 6.5x its budget. Rotten Tomatoes: 92%
Captain America: Civil War: 4.6x its budget, 90%
Batman v. Superman: 3.5x its budget, 27%
Fake Ghostbusters: 1.3x its budget, 74%
Suicide Squad (after two weekends): 2.7x its budget, 27%

Does... does one of these numbers really really REALLY stick out as something of an inexplicable outlier?

Y'see, the PC SJW Hollywood Left tried to ram Fake Ghostbusters down our throats, Hillary-style. "Look! Women over 40 can totally carry a film!" We The Audience said, "no thank you."

So along comes Margot Robbie In Hot Pants, and the PC SJW Hollywood Left goes apoplectic. "How dare people want to see a hot, funny, 26-year-old in skimpy clothing instead of a fat frumpy 40-something in a boiler suit? Suicide Squad must be bad! It must it must it must, because my worldview will be invalidated if it is successful." These people know, deep down, that Fake Ghostbusters is absolutely terrible, but if the world doesn't play along with their little lie, then the world must be wrong and anyway, how dare someone put a sexy woman in an action film?

And, yes, you also have your Marvel fanatics and your Snyder-haters. But I just want to call out the PC SJW Hollywood Left and offer them a very fine f*ck you, and have a nice day.

Suicide Squad Review

Suicide Squad is a DCCU film starring Will Smith, Jared Leto, and Margot Robbie's ass in hot pants. Despite awful reviews, it got a higher box office in its first week than Fake Ghostbusters did in its entire theatrical run to date, because - surprise! - Margot Robbie's ass in hot pants gets more people into theaters than Melissa McCarthy's flab in a boiler suit does.

Pictured: marketing at its finest

Batman v. Superman review (Ultimate Edition, spoiler-free)

Kennedy, J., announced the judgment of the Court and delivered the opinion of the Court with respect to Parts II-A and III, in which Stevens, Souter, Ginsburg, and Breyer, JJ., joined, an opinion with respect to Parts I and IV, in which Roberts, C. J., and Alito, J., joined, an opinion with respect to Parts II-B and II-C, and an opinion with respect to Part II-D, in which Souter and Ginsburg, JJ., joined. Stevens, J., filed an opinion concurring in part and dissenting in part, in which Breyer, J., joined as to Parts I and II. Souter, J., filed an opinion concurring in part and dissenting in part, in which Ginsburg, J., joined. Breyer, J., filed an opinion concurring in part and dissenting in part. Roberts, C. J., filed an opinion concurring in part, concurring in the judgment in part, and dissenting in part, in which Alito, J., joined. Scalia, J., filed an opinion concurring in the judgment in part and dissenting in part, in which Thomas, J., joined, and in which Roberts, C. J., and Alito, J., joined as to Part III.

Obviously it's not as good as Civil War. I mean, obviously.

(I should immediately point out that there are two versions of this film: the theatrical version and the "Ultimate Edition." Having heard that the Ultimate Edition was much better, I watched that one. I have never seen the theatrical version and cannot offer a comparison between them.)

Zack Snyder was an insane choice to head up the DC Cinematic Universe. The man's best films are Sucker Punch, or: Live Action Anime in an Insane Asylum with Fanservice and a Rocking Soundtrack, and Watchmen, or: A Team of Really Dysfunctional Vigilantes and a CGI Penis, with a Rocking Soundtrack. If you told me that Snyder and David Ayer were splitting up the first three DCCU films, and one was taking two Superman titles and the third was taking Suicide Squad, a movie about a team of really dysfunctional insane vigilantes with fanservice and a rocking soundtrack, I'd tell you that obviously Snyder was taking Suicide Squad, and I don't even know who David Ayer is.

Having said all that, my biggest complaint about Man of Steel was that you chose Watchmen's director to make your Stalin biopic Superman reboot, and then churn out something fairly bland and commercial. And whatever its faults, Batman v. Superman, 548 U.S. 399 Dawn of Justice is not that.

Star Trek Beyond review

The Return of the King and Revenge of the Sith are the only "Part Three" films that particularly shine (and Revenge arguably only shines in comparison to its predecessors) - unless you count Goldfinger, of course.

Star Trek Beyond is the 13th Star Trek film and the third in the rebooted film franchise. It is more Goldfinger than Return of the King, in that it's not wrapping up a trilogy or anything, it's Just Another Star Trek Film. There are a few things in it that seem really dumb or contrived that later turn out to actually be bits of foreshadowing, but that doesn't change the fact that they seem dumb or contrived when they're introduced (and one in particular that causes a massive plot hole when the "foreshadowing" penny drops). The Badass Alien Chick Who Barely Understands Humans is hands-down the best part of the film. Give her her own film please. You know you're going to do that stupid "cinematic universe" thing to compete with Marvel's Underpants Brigade and Mickey's Jedi Fanfic, so seriously make a movie about Albino Alien Katniss.

Yes, you may marry me.

(Her name's "Jaylah," as in J-Law, because guess whose characters they based her on?)

So here's the part of the plot that the trailers spoiled: the Enterprise is destroyed and Kirk and company are stranded on a planet with an evil alien warlord played by Idris Elba. They have to use their wits to survive and save the day blah blah blah.

Now, I bitched and moaned back in my Skyfall review about how it would be nice to actually f*cking wound James Bond for once and make him rely on his wits to survive and save the day blah blah blah, so I was kind of interested in seeing how this would work.

It works all right, I guess. There were a couple of instances where the exposition felt really rushed, as if they just wanted to get to the Big Dumb Action without really explaining why the Big Dumb Action was necessary. The fight scenes were also poorly edited, which seems to be an ongoing problem in Hollywood for almost everyone who isn't the Russo Brothers. There's some great by-play between Spock and McCoy (Karl Urban remains hands-down the best cast member, convincing me effortlessly that he's a young DeForest Kelley). There are a lot of neat little references to classic Trek - my favorite is a photo of the original cast (i.e., Shatner et al.) among Old Spock's belongings, which is obviously* a cast photo from The Undiscovered Country - and the score very subtly quotes the Undiscovered Country theme right as it's shown. They worked Leonard Nimoy's death into the plot, which is touching, but that's counterbalanced by some really awkward stuff involving Chekov (for those who don't know, Anton Yelchin, who plays Chekov in the rebooted film series, died in a freak car accident a month before the film premiered). There's some appallingly bad CGI involving a motorcycle, and the film has about three separate climaxes. Oh, and you can totally see the join between Idris Elba's lips and his (otherwise very impressive) mask. Overall I'd give the film a B+, which puts it light-years ahead of Star Trek: The Wrath of Sherlock.

*TvTropes seems to think it's a cast photo for The Final Frontier, but the Enterprise bridge set doesn't match that film. YES I AM A NERD.

SPOILERS BELOW

Blog in Exile (Chapter 2): Our Heroine's Swimsuit

So we had a prologue and a chapter explaining why we need her back in the saddle. As I said last time, the offer doesn't actually come until Chapter 6, so now we get to spend a lot of time looking at her mindset.

Blog in Exile (Chapter 1): Logistics and Character Notes

Peep resistance is stiffening. What impact does this have on our story?

Blog in Exile (Prologue): IT'S A TRAP!!!

I get to recycle that title. You'd almost think I did that deliberately.

Blog in Exile: What even is Military Science Fiction?

"A military in space, usually with some political layer," is one answer. "Science fiction without the fantasy" is another. Game of Thrones in Space would not be MSF, partly because, you know, dragons and ice zombies, and partly because the main characters are decidedly not part of the warrior caste. (Jaime Lannister being the notable exception, but all of his character growth comes from him no longer being able to rely on his martial prowess.)

Ashes of Victory: Game of Thrones 6.10 vs. My Desire to See Any Adaptation of the Honorverse

The first 20 minutes of that episode was the only good part. It was also written back in 2000, by someone else.

Blog in Exile: Background

Boy, I'm excited. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Blog in Exile, my re-read of Flag in Exile, the fifth Honorverse novel - and one of the best.

Why am I starting the Honorverse with this one? A few reasons.

One, I wanted to start the Honorverse with one of my favorite entries in the series, and neither Field of Dishonor (too much backstory) nor At All Costs (waaaaaaaaaaay too much backstory) could serve neatly as an entry point. I suppose I could have done The Honor of the Queen, which Flag is in some ways a sequel to, but I'd probably get bogged down comparing it to The Wrath of Khan, because it is basically that - two crippled ships, one whose commander is consumed by self-doubt, the other commanded by a psychotic fanatic, circling each other with intervals of them pounding the snot out of each other.

Another thing I really like about Flag is that it's the book where the heroine finally drops the neurotic tics that have plagued her for the first four books, and she does it in style.

The deciding factor was that this happens to be Flag's 20th anniversary. What better way to celebrate?

A Blog of Thrones (Chapter 62) Tyrion VIII: IT'S A TRAP!!!!

We are back, ladies and gentlethings! 

Previously on A Game of Thrones, Daenerys surveyed the aftermath of a battle we didn't actually get to see. Is George teasing us?

Field of Dishonor: Game of Thrones 6.09 vs. Any Semblance of Dramatic Tension

Yes, this is the right image, and you're my favorite person if you know why before I explain it.

Wow. What a steaming pile of direwolf dung.

Captain America: Civil War

"In a lot of ways [superhero registration] can be a political issue, and we didn't want the conflict of the movie to solely exist on that level. We wanted to figure out very personal reasons why everyone's relationship to the idea of registration is going to become complicated." 
-Co-director Anthony Russo explains why the film is so much better than the comic: it's about character, stupid!

This post will contain SPOILERS for the first 30 minutes or so of Civil War.

Game of Thrones is actually bad (6x09: "Battle of the Bastards")

Guys, Game of Thrones is officially worse than A Dance With Dragons, something I'd not thought possible even as late as whatever epic awfulness was happening last season.

Pictured: both what was happening last season, and what should be done to ADWD

Both the series and the books are now having to come to grips with the contradiction at the heart of the franchise:

• This is a "realistic" series with "consequences" and "no plot armor" which means "anyone can die."
• The audience still expects the good guys (tm) to ultimately win, and will be gravely disappointed if the last book/season is 10,000 words/10 hours of snow falling on graves.

Don't think for a moment that GRRM's going to have an easier time of this. Hell, don't think that GRRM's not going to croak before finishing the series. Game of Thrones is what you're getting, children, so enjoy the road trip to Hell.

There were a lot of things that were wrong with the episode. Very few of them had anything to do with the City Where Plots Go To Die, which should raise more red flags than Bernie Sanders's front yard on May Day (yes, I shamelessly stole that from somebody, I forgot who). In fact, the City Where Plots Go To Die wasn't all that bad. Clever Dwarf was clever, Boring Dragon Lady briefly captured my attention by flirting with Swashbuckling Lesbian, and there were some big fire-breathing lizards that probably ate into the effects budget and explained why the BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS was so utterly underwhelming.

Now onto the meat of the episode.

Friendly advice for the team behind Rogue One

Dear Miss/Sir/Gorilla Features:

Congratulations on getting to direct a Star Wars movie. Understand that the fans largely gave Abrams a pass for GoldenEye In Space, but now they're really expecting us to step up our game.

Do Not Write An SJW Protagonist
"Stop grabbing my hand!" shrieked the SJW civilian to the veteran space marine, repeatedly, during a crisis. It was funny once. Then it got obnoxious. Previously, she bitched at a junk collector and stole his property from him. Yes, Soccer Droid is property. Don't look at me like that. Speaking of...

Don't Have A Character Who Doesn't Speak English - You Apparently Can't Write That
You need to go back and watch the first six Star Wars films - you'll note that any time R2 or Chewie says something, you can figure out what he's saying because the responding character rephrases the gibberish statement as part of the answer. "Yes, I'm sure it's perfectly safe for droids," for example. In contrast, in The Force Awakens, Soccer Droid somehow gets Rey to let him follow her. We never figure out how he flips her switch from Bitchy Orphan Girl to Cute Scavenger, which appears, by the way, to be the only two modes that Rey operates on.

I love Fury Road for being an action flick, but honestly, it faceplants any time it tries to Feminism at its audience.

Has anyone ever satisfactorily explained why The Patriarchy gave Furiosa a robot arm instead of a bun in the oven?

Seriously, the robot arm is the most advanced piece of tech in the setting... and you gave it to a woman who, for some reason, you uniquely don't treat like property? I think the audience deserves to know why.