Game of Thrones is actually bad (6x09: "Battle of the Bastards")

Guys, Game of Thrones is officially worse than A Dance With Dragons, something I'd not thought possible even as late as whatever epic awfulness was happening last season.

Pictured: both what was happening last season, and what should be done to ADWD

Both the series and the books are now having to come to grips with the contradiction at the heart of the franchise:

• This is a "realistic" series with "consequences" and "no plot armor" which means "anyone can die."
• The audience still expects the good guys (tm) to ultimately win, and will be gravely disappointed if the last book/season is 10,000 words/10 hours of snow falling on graves.

Don't think for a moment that GRRM's going to have an easier time of this. Hell, don't think that GRRM's not going to croak before finishing the series. Game of Thrones is what you're getting, children, so enjoy the road trip to Hell.

There were a lot of things that were wrong with the episode. Very few of them had anything to do with the City Where Plots Go To Die, which should raise more red flags than Bernie Sanders's front yard on May Day (yes, I shamelessly stole that from somebody, I forgot who). In fact, the City Where Plots Go To Die wasn't all that bad. Clever Dwarf was clever, Boring Dragon Lady briefly captured my attention by flirting with Swashbuckling Lesbian, and there were some big fire-breathing lizards that probably ate into the effects budget and explained why the BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS was so utterly underwhelming.

Now onto the meat of the episode.

Jon talks to Melisandre about how of course he has plot armor now that the Lord of Light resurrected him. Well, I dunno. See the image above for how fickle the Lord of Light's been in the past.

Anyway let's just get this out of the way: Jon Snow is a terrible tactician. Rickon Stark never learned to zigzag so as far as I'm concerned he got what he deserved. Sansa Stark is an evil schemer whose plan was, apparently, to wipe out all the Northern armies and deliver the North on a platter to Petyr Fookin Baelish, which is perhaps the dumbest idea anyone has had in a series that includes such stellar decisions as telling Cersei your plans and then giving her an hour to prepare for them; trusting the man who wants to screw your wife; taking a valuable hostage into the lair of an addle-brained hag; letting Littlefinger and Varys keep their jobs; pausing in the middle of avenging your sister and her children to gloat; abandoning a marriage into a family ruled over by a horrible **** of a patriarch; marrying into a family ruled over by a horrible **** of a patriarch; setting foot in Meereen; being Theon Greyjoy; naming approximately eight million characters Harzoo zo Harzum; leaving your privy door unlocked; and not having any Natalie Dormer nude scenes since Season 2. I mean, what the hell?*

*It has been brought to my attention that 1) she was merely topless in Season 2, and 2) her love interest right now is a kid half her age. I blame the writing. It's not like fidelity to the novels is this series' strong point.

R+L=J; none of Ned's sons has plot armor like that, Johnny Targ.

Whoever handled the cinematography and editing for the episode needs to be taken out and shot, then fed to dogs, then resurrected but not actually healed, so they're just a living pulpy mess, existing in pure agony and unable to even beg for death. They were clearly going for Captain America: Civil War but ended up with Quantum of Solace. Now, I'll be the first to actually defend Quantum of Solace's incoherent visuals, but that's because the chaotic camerawork and editing there reflected Bond's shattered mental state. There's no excuse for that here. Jon Snow is a zombie whose character hasn't been changed a bit by an inconvenient bout of mortality. Sansa Stark is a victim, but rather than going all Ellen Ripley she gets a thousand men killed and trusts a thoroughly untrustworthy man to clean up. Davos magically wanders into the spot where Shireen was burned, and finds, in the pitch-black darkness, the miraculously not-burned-beyond-recognition stag he carved for her last year. Tormund showed up and did his thing, whatever it is.

Was I supposed to care about Sir-Not-Appearing-Since-Season-3 Stark? Hey, we get it. Ramsay's evil. He's like the inner sadist of the creators. And yay he died, but holy crap did it feel so utterly unearned.

Was there a victory that felt earned? The Wall in Season 4. Blackwater in Season 2. Oh hey - Jon lost his love interest, and Tyrion lost his nose. This time, a big CGI non-character died, okay... but he didn't mean anything to anyone except possibly Tormund. Now you've got that image in your head, you're welcome.