Dear Miss/Sir/Gorilla Features:
Congratulations on getting to direct a Star Wars movie. Understand that the fans largely gave Abrams a pass for GoldenEye In Space, but now they're really expecting us to step up our game.
Do Not Write An SJW Protagonist
"Stop grabbing my hand!" shrieked the SJW civilian to the veteran space marine, repeatedly, during a crisis. It was funny once. Then it got obnoxious. Previously, she bitched at a junk collector and stole his property from him. Yes, Soccer Droid is property. Don't look at me like that. Speaking of...
Don't Have A Character Who Doesn't Speak English - You Apparently Can't Write That
You need to go back and watch the first six Star Wars films - you'll note that any time R2 or Chewie says something, you can figure out what he's saying because the responding character rephrases the gibberish statement as part of the answer. "Yes, I'm sure it's perfectly safe for droids," for example. In contrast, in The Force Awakens, Soccer Droid somehow gets Rey to let him follow her. We never figure out how he flips her switch from Bitchy Orphan Girl to Cute Scavenger, which appears, by the way, to be the only two modes that Rey operates on.
Don't Casually Insult Your Entire Fanbase
Lord Hiltsaber was a disgusting insult to every single Star Wars fan who ever dressed up as Darth Vader for Halloween as a kid. JJ Abrams turned to those guys and said, "Yup, you are a whiny fanboy wannabe with serious emotional issues."
Fucking Cast Villains Who Can Fucking Act
Emperor's black bones, this might be the biggest problem with The Force Awakens - Adam Driver's and Domnhall Gleeson's cringe-inducing "performances." Make. It. Stop. Who the fuck told Driver that Javier Bardem's performance in Skyfall was the apex of action movie villainy? Because... it was not. And Adam Driver is not Javier Bardem, anyway. If you want to ape Bond villains, ape the Telly Savalas Blofeld, for fuck's sake.
Meanwhile, why did you cast a kid as Tarkin 2.0? Like, this guy's young enough to be Rey's brother (do not do this - Rey is Palpatine's heir, her theme is a dead giveaway and it was pretty clear on re-watch she was calling on the Dark Side to beat Lord Hiltsaber at the end, and if you make General Fux Palpatine's heir as well I will end you). Hux should have been an old guy, old enough to miss the old Empire, and somebody who could, you know, do Peter Cushing justice. Hugo Weaving? Timothy Dalton? I'm just spitballing names here, but The Skinny Puke From Ex Machina was a horrible miscast. As was having him get in a bitch-off with Lord Hiltsaber. The message I'm getting from this movie is "millennials are terrible." Wait, I don't disagree.
Yay Stereotypes!
It did not escape my notice that The Smart Random Resistance Guy in The Force Awakens was Asian. Wow. And now in the Rogue One trailer, you have what appears to be an Asian martial-arts expert. So weird, I thought this was A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far, Far Away. Here I was hoping this shit would die with Lucas's influence.
Put Mara Jade in there somewhere
Because come on, you ripped off the books enough in The Force Awakens. You know what, on second thought, don't. You haven't demonstrated that you're capable of writing that character well yet. It's the exact same reason I'm glad the Honor Harrington adaptation hasn't yet materialized - Strong Female Characters created before the Great SJW Takeover probably should be kept far away from SJWs. Just a thought.
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