Said Tywin Lannister.
Look, I had mixed feelings about the whole thing going into it. Here's why: They (the showrunners) were adapting two books at once, A Feast For Crows and A Dance With Dragons. They'd never done this before. Now you might think that given the crass amount of filler* they had to put into Seasons Three and Four in order to stretch A Storm of Swords over twenty hours, they might be justified in doing so, especially as, per the common complaint about AFFC/ADWD, bugger-all happens in those books.
*Alex Graves, the twit who insisted that they couldn't put Lady Stoneheart in S4 because of time constraints, directed episodes that include: Ser Piggy sending Gilly away to Mole's Town solely so that we have a character we (theoretically) care about there so that we can (theoretically) be emotionally invested when we see the Free Folk attack Mole's Town, which we needed to see because... um... boobies?; Olly. Fucking Olly; the Orson Lannister monologue that went absolutely nowhere; a completely gratuitous and amazingly poorly-shot Hound vs. Brienne fight. Come on.
Now, it wasn't just the fact that they were adapting two books at once. That's significant, yes, because it means that they're compressing an insane amount of information. That can work, especially when you have actors who are capable of conveying about a bazillion different emotions in the span of two seconds. But if you're doing that, it has to be well thought-out. For example, Cersei's downfall in the book is brought about because she's an evil spiteful bitch with delusions of competence and invincibility. Every chapter sees her digging herself deeper, completely unaware of the jaws of the trap about to slam shut around her. In the show, so much of that is stripped away because, hey, we need to get back to the real hero of the story, namely Ramsay Snow.
The second problem was the massive discrepancy in the quality of the source material. Now, I know what you're thinking: ASOS is basically the third act of a three-act play, The Bit Where All The Good Stuff Happens, and AFFC is the boring aftermath. Look, I'm not going to deny that, in a visual medium, any faithful adaptation of ASOS is going to be more "intense" than a faithful adaptation of AFFC. That was a hurdle they faced, no question, but they had a cast that was (mostly)* capable of handling the dramatic material, and they put the one noticeably subpar actor on a bus this season** so I don't even get to complain about him. A faithful adaptation of AFFC could have worked; hell the "main" plot is - superficially - a repeat of Ned's downfall in S1, and nobody complained about that being "slow" at the time. But what I'm actually talking about is the discrepancy between AFFC and ADWD. AFFC is about on part with ACOK in terms of quality. ADWD is a fucking joke. I'm not going to rehash that argument except in the most straightforward terms here: it's fun to watch Cersei self-destruct. It's painful to watch Dany do the same thing, and while Cersei's downfall and imprisonment feels like the logical result of her actions, Dany gets a Draco Ex Machina because she's special. Anybody finishes ADWD and thinks she's fit to rule the Seven Kingdoms? And that's especially obnoxious, because George has never gone out of his way to save a character from the consequences of his or her own decisions before.
*Yes, Emilia Clarke also struggles with some of the material she's given. Mostly the "being a badass queen" stuff. Which is fine with me because Daenerys also
**I freely admit that the lack of Useless Cripple Moping is one of the reasons why I like AFFC so much. Though, honestly, I'd rather have Isaac in this season and less Ser "I totally had sex just then" Piggy. Or Olly the Brat.
Speaking of which, let's just jump right in and talk about the biggest difference between the books and the show. In the books, George won't go out of his way to give the heroes (other than Daenerys, again) a reprieve from the consequences of their own stupidity. He won't bend the rules so that the heroes win. In the show, they will bend the rules... so that the villains win. See, e.g., every time Ramsay Fucking Snow is on screen. Now, I know, Ramsay accomplished some pretty impressive shit in ACOK (basically annihilating both the Northern reserve and the Ironborn garrison without losing more than a handful of men), but that was because in a) Theon was a Cersei-level idiot, and b) the Northerners didn't know that the Boltons were all treasonous curs at that point. But by the time ADWD rolls around, it's pretty clear that Ramsay is Joffrey 2.0: he's an evil, vicious psychopath who cannot command respect, only fear, and whose much more cunning father or grandfather is actually running the show for him and keeping him alive. And it cements the parallels between Roose and Tywin; they're both ruthless cold-hearted patriarchs driven by ambition and "duty" rather than honor, who both have horribly disappointing offspring. I mean, really, Roose is also (kind of) Tywin 2.0. True, he wouldn't go around blasting "The Rains of Castamere" at full volume ("A peaceful land, a quiet people," and all that), but he's got to navigate some tricky alliances while also dealing with his psychotic progeny. But while they were willing to give Tywin "Best Hand Ever" Lannister a lot of screentime, Show!Roose has become basically a background fixture in Ramsay's plot. See, in the books, Roose is the main villain. Ramsay might be the biggest threat to Theon - cuz, you know, this is a trick of the POV usage - but Roose is the one actually keeping the alliance together and it's pretty much a given that the moment he goes, House Bolton goes with him. But, in the show, it's Ramsay's story. Right, like, he is the protagonist of the Wintefell arc, because he's the only one with consistent characterization and an ability to accomplish anything. Roose isn't judiciously picking which of his so-called allies to send out to fight Stannis, no, Bastard Sue And His Twenty Good Men can handle all that.
But hey that's okay, nobody actually likes Roose Bolton anyway.
Cersei's walk of shame? Eh. I've seen better. No! poor choice of words. I mean, it needed to be better set up with plot and backstory... ah, f*ck it. There was angst and nudity, which I guess is Game of Thrones in a nutshell. The first problem was that it wasn't really "earned." She kinda blundered into the Sparrows' trap instead of being an uberbitch for an entire book. I mean, Marg was sexually abusing her son for crying out loud? What was she supposed to do? The second problem was that a whole chunk of the Walk was internalized in the book (same as Dany in the
Further south, Jaime and Bronn went to Dorne. I'm going to see if I can follow the logic of this one. Ellaria Sand stole Myrcella's necklace and shipped it to the Lannisters as a death threat. Ellaria Sand enlisted the Sand Snakes, who aside from their amazing fighting skills are also good with poison. Ellaria's ultimate goal is to kill Myrcella to start a war between Dorne and the Lannisters. Okay, got it. Even though that's the opposite of Oberyn's "we don't hurt little girls in Dorne" line. At least she has a plan. Why didn't she kill Myrcella, oh, when she stole the necklace? What was that?
Okay so we have a war with Dorne in the stupidest and most time-consuming way possible. Now, the frayed edges are showing here. But I'm going to play devil's advocate here and look at Book!Littleprick's plan. He's going to seduce Lysa and have her poison Jon Arryn and send a letter to Catelyn and get them to trust him and antagonize the Lannisters in order to start a war that will get Ned killed and then he's going to poison Joffrey because, well, that little brat needed to die (never mind that leaving him on the throne would have driven an even bigger wedge between the Lannisters and the Tyrells)... y'ever get the sense that this guy's going to get away with everything just the same way Ramsay Sue does?
Did the Essos arc suck? Well there wasn't a Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese Knot, so not as badly as it did in the book. Tyrion wasn't a mopey drunk, which I guess is less realistic, but, hey, this was the Season Of No Realism, so that wasn't a problem with Essos per se. Jorah is just kind of Doing Stuff. I like him, kinda, and the whole Greyscale thing kinda reminds me of the not-shitty parts of Roslin's cancer arc on Battlestar - namely that the afflicted character isn't pursuing their goal for their own sake - because they know they'll be dead before they can reap the benefits of it. But here he just kinda has Greyscale. It hasn't done anything OH GOD WHAT AM I SAYING? I DON'T WANT JORAH TO BE CURED BY MAGIC CYLON BABY BLOOD ONLY TO FORGET ABOUT IT TWO SEASONS LATER fml.
Daenerys... she can't lead, according to some people she can't act, she just kinda has dragons... look, she's good at getting what she wants. She's very bad at keeping it. Not that the treasonous cur deserved the throne or anything, but Renly might have had a point about good soldiers not necessarily making good kinds. When the going gets tough, she rides a dragon off to the
*Guys, at least color-correct that scene, make it look browner. It's way too green for Essos.
Aaay, speaking of Renly, he was finally avenged. Yawn. You know what would have made Brienne's "arc" better? If Sansa had lit that candle at the same time Rod came up and told Brienne that Stannis was marching. Then Brienne would have actually had a choice to make. Meanwhile Stannis kinda MacBethed his way out of the story. Still had an awesome death scene; too bad nothing that preceded it made anything within a thousand leagues of sense.
So let's talk about Sam. If you read this blog, particularly my reread of AGOT, you might get the impression that I hate Sam. That's not really the right word, but it is convenient shorthand. He's fat and he can't fight, so he has no business being, essentially, a border guard - especially in a land that's always frozen and, one presumes, rather difficult to adequately supply. Yes, I get it, George himself is fat, and has a liking for his fat mascot... come to think of it, only four living POV characters are accomplished male fighters - Jaime (crippled), Jon (maybe dead), Victazzzzz (zzzzzz) and Ser Grandfather (give him five chapters) (oh fine Areo Hotah, glorified bodyguard) - point being that martial prowess isn't the most important thing, George likes his male protagonists to fall outside the traditional "fighter hero" mold, which is fine and believable where the political backstabbing happens, but not so much at the here be dragons corners of the map. Fine, it's your fantasy, it's your story. I don't have to like it. But George did something rather neat when he started giving Ser Piggy POV chapters - he had him kill an Other (a White Walker) in his first chapter. That was pretty badass and made us realize that this useless bastard wasn't going to spend all his time moping about being
But in the show, what happens? First Piggy couldn't be bothered to send off the ravens before the White Walkers attacked - you know, his One Job. Then he was bullied for being fat and useless - oh, how mean. Protip: I will never sympathize with a character being bullied for being fat and useless if the character is, in fact, fat and useless. And do you know what Sam has accomplished up through this point? Fuck. All. Then we did the mutiny, and then Sam killed a White Walker. It was too late. The damage was done. So he gets back to Castle Black in time to rig an election and then get shipped off to Oldtown, right? Wrong. He gets to sit around the castle for two. Whole. Fucking. Years. Doing fuck-all except make doe-eyes at Gilly, a character who is frankly beyond pointless given that Mance's baby has been adapted out. (Hey, is it okay for a female character to be nothing more than a love interest for a male character if said male character doesn't conform to traditional masculine roles? Asking for a friend.) Remember: we lost out on Stoneheart for this shit. He didn't even rig the election for Jon; that went to Maester Aemon so that another "sad" death could be forced upon us. This is honestly offensive. I'm here for a story about politics and hard choices and ice zombies and I'm being forced to watch this fat fuck with a shit-eating grin do absolutely nothing.
I'm sorry, but doing one thing in five seasons - in a show like this, that often condenses plotlines and characters - is grounds for having your character merged with someone else who doesn't waste our time so badly. Fuck off, fatso.
Aagh, what am I saying, I want new characters is this show? Well, I don't want another whiny brat (hi Olly), but they did the sensible thing and adapted out Mormon's raven, which, like Ser Piggy, just brays a lot and asks for food.
Oh, and Arya was in the show. Okay. Yup. Those things happened. Nothing she's done has ever been relevant to the overall plot.
Sigh.
This is all going somewhere, right?
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