Pack it in, Hollywood

I have just heard that they are going to remake The Magnificent Seven, which is itself a remake of The Seven Samurai. Now, I'm going to be honest here, I didn't think that highly of The Magnificent Seven. It was all right, I guess, a better team-up movie than The Avengers (that none of the characters had baggage from previous films was a major plus).

Still, I don't see the bloody point of remaking it. Does Hollywood think people suddenly love Westerns again? Or are they just looking for anything with name recognition?

Yeah, I'm going with "B" there too.

This year, the Big Films On Offer are: Avengers 2, the sequel to a film that didn't justify one; Star Wars VII, brought to you by the director of Star Trek 12, The Sequel To The Reboot; and of course James Bond XXIV, Daniel Craig Fights That One Famous Actor From A Few Years Ago, And Is Angsty. They may need a more specific title.

Avengers 2: having teamed up to face a threat that just happened to require them to team up to beat (except it didn't, because they spent more time fighting each other than fighting the villain, which works in teenage dramas - the sort of thing Joss Whedon is actually good at - than superhero films), the gang now teams up again because, hey, it worked so great the first time.

Guys, let's be honest here: the most amazing thing about The Avengers was that they got all those characters together, or, in other words, Marvel had some shrewd contract lawyers. Huzzah. It was a big stupid film that they managed to market an "event" out of by making a bunch of "stand-alone" films first. It was Not Great.

Let's furthermore be honest here and say that, as 2015 marks the 10-year anniversary of Serenity, Joss Whedon's best years are well and truly behind him. (No, asinine statements about social movements haven't motivated this animosity, why do you ask?)

Star Wars VII, the sequel literally no-one asked for. Be honest here: after you realized that Revenge of the Sith sucked almost as bad as the first two films, did you honestly ever want to see another Star Wars film? And after Star Trek Into Dorkness, did you really want JJ Abrams to touch another semi-treasured sci-fi franchise?

Meanwhile, Spectre promises us something new and exciting in the form of a character mercifully absent from the series since 1981. (Let's be honest here, we don't miss Blofeld. The Dalton Bond probably would have eviscerated him. If he'd shown up during the Brosnan years he'd have given Dr. Evil a run for his money in hamminess.) Furthermore, it abandons one of the most promising things about the Daniel Craig films - that Bond is an actual spy who does actual spy work - so he can go back to fighting supervillains. JUST KILL HIM OFF ALREADY. And by "him" I actually mean Bond. Go on, do it. Do "The Death of James Bond" as Craig's last film. Even if you completely reboot it two years later with Fassbender because you love $, if you actually honestly kill Bond off on-screen, I will forgive you every transgression ever.

They're making a Ghostbusters remake with female characters, thus ensuring that the female leads will not be judged on their own merits but as pale reflections of Murray et al.

Psst. I'll let you in on a secret. I really don't mind seeing women or even - yikes - people of color in my films. I'll even tolerate, and I know this is shocking, protagonists who are not white guys. But, hey, rather than take a white guy and change him/it (thereby "robbing" "us" of "our" guy), why don't you invent your own unique characters? Too much of a challenge? Worried about longevity? (What, you never had to read Jane Eyre in school?) No; "you" would rather steal "our" (hey, your gimmick is "now he's a she," so don't get angry at me for bringing identity politics into this) characters than create new ones. That's sad.

And yes, Starbuck is the frakking exception to the rule. (Hey, did you know that it took until the show's 18th episode for the issue of Starbuck being a woman to have any role in the plot? Katee Sackhoff owned that role so well that nobody cared when the issue of Starbuck actually having ladyparts finally rolled around. Now ask yourself if a 2-hour film script aimed at popcorn-munchers can afford the same leisure.)

Oh, and you motherfuckers made 12 Monkeys into a TV show. Fuck you.