On a sea that's not a sea
Dany becomes Khaleesi
and has a teenage pregnancy.
Yeah rhyming is not my strong suite.
So we open on a giant grassland. It's called the Dothraki Sea because it's the only sea they'll ever cross, the pansies. They believe that one day the grass will swallow up the world, and I have to say that's a better Ragnarok than the icy hell that most likely awaits everyone.
Viserys Targaryen, the most screwed-up royal prince in this series except for all the other ones, still hasn't bothered to learn how to ride a horse properly. I'll let you in on a little secret of the writing trade: George is able to create all these characters by just making clones from one basic archetype. Name one substantial difference between Viserys and Joffrey. I'll wait.
Oh, and where the hell is Viserys's name from? I mean Daenerys isn't really that obvious either, until you watch that bad lip-reading thing, and everyone else is at least somewhat obvious. The only thing the spell-check can offer me is "Reviser," and that's... well, considering how much of the Mad King's reign he gets wrong, fairly appropriate.
Anyway, Prince Vichyssoise is hanging out with them because he doesn't want Drogo to cheat him. Apparently he thinks he'll be able to win a swordfight against this guy. Now, granted, I understand him for sneering at a bunch of savages who are afraid of water who follow a man named after Frodo's dad, but at the same time, and the narration makes no bones about it, this is basically freakin' Genghis Khan we're dealing with here. He could be named Fluffy the Cotton Pillow and that wouldn't make a spot of difference after he split your head in two.
Some time has passed since the last time we met her, because Dany isn't getting saddle-sores anymore. She dreamed she was a dragon and then she got stronger. Also along the way, they crossed through Norvos and Qohor, that place that some of the small council's tapestries or carpets or some such were from.
So now at the Sea (that's actually a big honkin' grassland) Dany calls a stop and goes for a stroll. Viserys is somewhat irritated by this, which I guess I can understand. I mean, Drogo promised him an army and instead he's literally gone off the map. (But, hey, he's a hulking seven-foot warrior with a long braid; if he asked you for directions, would you be able to do anything but wet yourself?) He storms up to her and asks her if she's forgotten who she is. Man, if she actually listened to him now we might be able to skip the entirety of A Dance with Dragons, because judging by her last chapter in that book, the answer is definitely "yes." Then he starts hitting her. Including grabbing her breast. Just so you know what a bad guy he is. Flying off into a fit of rage and hitting his only living relative isn't bad enough, there's just got to be a sex element to it as well. So she shoves him away.
Believe it or not, this is the first time Dany the Doormat has defied him. In, like, any way. And just when Viserys looks like he's going to start hitting her again, enter whip-wielding savage, stage left.
Wow, that's awfully convenient. If Sansa had a whip-wielding savage to show up and beat down everyone who slapped her down whenever she showed the slightest hint of having a backbone, my guess is we all wouldn't hate her so much.
Anyway, with moral (and badass) support from the whip-wielding savage and Ser Jorah (who, let's be honest, we all thought was one of the mostest awesomest characters in the books until he started creeping on Dany partway into A Sword of Storms), Dany decides to rub Viserys's humiliation in his face by making him walk. Yay!
Dany and Jorah have a little politisophical discussion (I just made that word up, begin using it at once) about whether Vichyssoise should ever sit the throne. Jorah name-drops the book's title when he tells Dany that they really wouldn't care about the game of thrones if it didn't keep leading to so much bloodshed. Okay I might be stretching his words a bit.
Dany admits that Viserys will never take them home. Cuz he's so weak. And not, you know, because this whole deal was shockingly dubious to start with. "Me Drogo. Me marry your sister, then win your throne. Oh by the way, me no like crossing water. Also me going to ride in the wrong direction and take whole army with. Sucker."
Show-watchers might like to note that a) "it is known" is a catchphrase in the books, b) Doreah is blond, and c) Dany and Doreah don't have sex. Apparently Doreah just talks about pleasuring men until Dany learns all she needs to know. Then Dany f*cks Drogo face-to-face. And then she gets pregnant.
No comments:
Post a Comment