House of the Dragon 7

 The excessive profanity and capitalized red text throughout this blog post is an intentional creative decision. 

LIGHT YOUR FUCKING SETS, MIGUEL! LIGHT YOUR FUCKING SETS! WE'RE NOT WATCHING AN AUDIO PLAY, MIGUEL! THIS ISN'T A FUCKING PODCAST! HBO PAID RIDICULOUS SUMS OF MONEY FOR THOSE SETS AND COSTUMES AND ACTORS (AND EVEN MORE MONEY FOR THOSE ACTORS TO TAKE THOSE COSTUMES OFF) BUT APPARENTLY MISTER FUCKING ARTISTIC VISION, MISTER FUCKING CAN'T-SHOOT-AN-ACTION-SCENE-TO-SAVE-HIS-LIFE (MAYBE THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS SO FUCKING DARK) THINKS HE'S PUTTING ON A FUCKING AUDIOBOOK! WHY MUST YOU FAIL A DIRECTOR'S MOST BASIC JOB? GOD! DAMN! 

AND ANOTHER THING, MIGUEL! I'VE SEEN AMATEUR HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA CLUB FILMS WITH MORE COMPETENT DAY-FOR-NIGHT FILTERS THAN YOU HAVE IN YOUR MULTIGAZILLION-DOLLAR DRAGON/TITTY SEQUEL! EVEN THE 70s BOND FILMS DO IT BETTER, FUCK! YOU'VE GOT THE MONEY, YOU'VE GOT THE LOCATIONS! MIGUEL! FUCKING SHOOT YOUR NIGHT SCENES AT FUCKING NIGHT! JESUS CHRIST, I DON'T KNOW IF THE "OUR MAINS FRAK ON A BEACH" SCENE IN BATTLESTAR GALACTICA WAS DONE IN DAY-FOR-NIGHT, IT SURE DOESN'T FRAKKING LOOK LIKE IT, BUT THAT WAS SIXTEEN FRAKKING YEARS AGO ON A FRACTION OF YOUR BUDGET!

FUCK! 

(Ahem)

This is the review of Episode 7 of HBO's (apparent) radio drama House of the Dragon (A Project GRRM is Working on Instead of Winds of Winter): A Prequel to Game of Thrones (A Project GRRM Worked on Instead of Winds of Winter) Based on Fire and Blood (A Project GRMM Worked on Instead of Winds of Winter). 

It's this fundamental lack of respect for the audience, manifested both in George's GODDAMN REFUSAL TO FINISH THE GODDAMN BOOKS and in Miguel's GODDAMN REFUSAL TO LIGHT HIS GODDAMN SHOW CORRECTLY, that has finally reached the breaking point for me. It's been FOUR THOUSAND AND NINETY-TWO DAYS between the release of A Diversion With Doldrums A Dance With Dragons and the initial broadcast of HotD Episode 7. Memo to George: you, like King Joeserys, are not getting any younger. FINISH. THE FUCKING. BOOKS. It's been ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY-THREE DAYS between the initial broadcast of "The Long Night," Miguel's previous can't-do-the-director's-most-basic-job-and-show-us-what's-fucking-happening episode, and the broadcast of last week's episode "Driftmark." Memo to Miguel: This is not your goddamn college arthouse project. This is a prequel to a dragon/titty remix of The Wars of the Roses. TAKE A FUCKING LIGHTING CLASS.

Okay.

I've said my piece. For now. On to the review, such as it is.

In this episode, the smirking jerkwad second son character whose name is an anagram of "A Demon" claims a dragon to ride. And his nephew loses an eye, ba-dum tish. It spoils the episode but does not go into future book spoilers. The future book spoiler post is over here.

Prince Aemond "One-Eye" Targaryen

What's amazing about this brat is that he's not wrong. Laena's dragon doesn't automatically pass down to Laena's kid. And the Strong boys are, indeed, bastards. Still, your mother probably should have taught you not to hit girls. Like, lesson number three. "Your existence is a threat to your half-sister's rule, your nephews are bastards, don't hit girls." Nah, I don't care that they hit you first.

But bravo to him for getting a dragon (even though Vhagar probably mistook him for one of her former riders because it was SO FUCKING DARK, MIGUEL oh no I'm not over it. (Okay maybe he shot it that FUCKING dark to hide the fact that that sequence was pasted together from three different bits that were shot over the course of a year, and they had to hide the fact that Leo Ashton was growing up?) There's also a fantastic easter egg in that scene but I have to save it for the spoiler post.

Love that he pinned the blame on Aegon - sweet revenge for that pig prank.

Honestly the one-eyed prick is the biggest winner of the episode by a mile and it's not even close. Dude bagged himself the baddest dragon in Westeros, deprived Team Rhaenyra of a valuable asset (oh, apparently we're just using "the Blacks" and "the Greens" now, well done setting that up better, show), and as a consequence of his actions blew the entire "Rhaenyra's kids are so obviously bastards even a man with only one eye can see it" thing out into the open. 

By the way. "Second son, a huge bastard with huger balls, acts out because he needs recognition." George is like "hmm, I already wrote that character... I know, I'll just take the first letter of his name and move it to the end. Nobody will notice. Totally different guy!" Which is my way of saying that but for the whole succession crisis, Aemond and Daemon probably would have gotten on fantastically.

Prince Aegon "Jerkoff" Targaryen

Still a really stupid mofo. I feel like the Greens would have more support if some "accident" were to befall this twerp and Aemond One-Eye could take over as the presumptive heir.

Still does engender some sympathy by stating that he doesn't want to marry his bugfuck insane sister. And who can blame him?

Queen Alicent "The Gaslit" Hightower

Again, if Aemond's not wrong, then neither is the Queen. The Strong Boys are bastards, they laid hands on a trueborn son of the King and maimed him. Poor girl feels like she's going mad with nobody being willing to openly say "yeah, those black-haired Strong Boys blatantly aren't Targaryens." Now on top of that it's become clear that those bastards can get away with maiming her children... what's to stop them killing them?

Much as I like Rasputin as portrayed in this show, it's Alicent who's doing the most work to make her faction... likeable is too strong a word, but something in that ballpark.

King Viserys "Joe Biden" Targaryen

Bruh. At this point, King Joeserys has to know he fucked up and there's nothing he can do about it. Sad!

Otto "Rasputin" Hightower

Proud of his daughter for losing her shit in front of everyone. On track to take the "world's best dad" mug away from Tywin Lannister.

Prince Daemon "Wincest" Targaryen

Like his anagramattical namesake (yes, I'm using that term correctly; the term you're thinking of is "eponym"), he also gets what he wants: a dragon to ride. (No, really. When King Joeserys asks him if there's anything he needs, you can see him mouth "Rhae-" before cutting himself off.) Breaks out into inappropriate laughter at his own wife's funeral, but, hey, it's an open secret that Rhaenyra's kids aren't legitimate.

Also, I need to point out: in the previous book-spoiler post, I surmised that, because the show is choosing the worst interpretation of every ambiguous event in the book (Daemon murders Rhea Royce, the Clubfoot murders his father and brother), Daemon would have had Laenor killed. Guy keeps surprising me, only for his actions to be so obviously in-character in hindsight. I love this.

Finally... and I hesitate to put this in the "spoiler-free" section... but you have to be thinking "well, Daenerys can't be descended from the Strong Boys, since she has the Targaryen white hair. So the Blacks aren't going to win this." But if Daemon and Rhaenyra were to have kids, all bets are off.

Crown Princess Rhaenyra "Epic Double Standard" Targaryen

Nobody would give two shits if she was a man, but as it is, she's damaged the legitimacy of two major Houses of Westeros. Good going.

Also she's got a nasty cut on her arm THANKS FOR SHOWING THAT IN EXPLICIT DETAIL MIGUEL, COULDN'T FUCKING TURN ON NIGHT MODE FOR THAT SHOT, NO, YOU HAD TO OBSCURE THE ACTING BETWEEN HER AND MATT SMITH BUT YOU DEFINITELY MADE SURE THAT WE ALL GOT A CLEAR, LINGERING SHOT OF HER ARM BEING STITCHED UP. FUCKER. I'm sure that won't cause her health problems in the future.

Nah, what am I talking about. Daemon was up to his elbows in greyscale-afflicted Crabfeeder guts, and he's fine. Targaryens just don't get infections. Unless they're Viserys. (Gosh, what if Viserys is actually the secret bastard - this would mean the Strong Boys actually do have more Targaryen blood than the current king, lol. THIS. IS. A. JOKE.)

Forget Daenerys, Rhaenyra's a dark echo of Brienne. She's a woman who wants to do what men do. It's just Brienne wants to be an honorable knight, and Rhaenyra wants to sleep around.

Also I'm pretty sure she straight-up asked Daemon to murder her husband.

Prince Consort Laenor "Gaynor" Velaryon

What? Somebody gets a happy ending on this show?

I mean, sucks to be his parents, I guess.

Corlys and Rhaenys Velaryon

Well that sucks.

Holy shit, Corlys. "History doesn't remember blood, history remembers names." Way to be an absolute dick to your wife and daughters. But also, the fact that, when it comes to his grandsons, the sons matter infinitely and the his do not. That's ridiculously pragmatic of him.

Also I love the bit where he's telling Lucerys (whom he has to know is not his grandkid) that Luke will be the lord of Driftmark someday, and Luke's all "I don't want it." Love his reaction. Easily world's best grandpa (sorry Otto. Not so sorry Joeserys).

The Motherfucking Dragons

God damn do they look awesome WHEN YOU CAN SEE THEM THAT IS, FUCK YOU MIGUEL and for the most part easily distinguishable, which is a nice bonus - it'll matter once things go to shit.