A man must again beg a pardon for the slow update schedule. It's easier to read 12 pages than it is to watch an hour or so of television.
Ned Stark and Ser Barristan Selmy reminisce about that time they almost killed each other. Then they reminisce about dead folks like Ned's father and Ser Hugh, the guy who got his throat slit open by a giant freaking lance.
But nothing comes of that conversation so we go to a comedy scene where Ned tells his king that the king is a fatass. They laugh about it because they're old friends, and Robert sends Lancel Lannister off on a snipe hunt. Then he almost walks out belly-first.
Next up at the jousts, the Mountain versus the Knight of the Flowers, Ser Loras Tyrell. He rides in, all the pretty-boy, and exchanges a Meaningful Glance with Lord Renly. Hmm. Sansa asks Ned not to let the Mountain hurt Loras, because let's face it, Loras is wearing poncy armor and the Mountain is actually dressed for battle. The Mountain has trouble controlling his horse, because Loras is riding a mare in heat. Sansa whines about this being trickery and not honorable combat. Because Sansa is an airhead. Littlefinger tells Renly he knows Renly and Loras are "friends." Then the Mountain decapitates his horse because he's evil.
Tyrion discovers that he's not on the road to Winterfell. Then he starts talking about shadowcats and hill-tribes, and only then deduces that they're heading to the Vale of Arryn. Are shadowcats and hill-tribes everywhere in Westeros? The pacing of this scene is bizarre.
Anyway credit where credit is due. Cat isn't taking Tyrion to Winterfell. Oh, no, that'd be too obvious. She's taking him to her sister Lysa, who, as Tyrion points out, is insane.
They're attacked by hill-tribes. Cat has an amusingly small knife, which she uses to cut Tyrion's bonds. He thinks about making a run for it, but stays and freaking kills a barbarian by bashing the guy's head in with his freaking shield. Most of the party is massacred, and one of the few guys left is Bronn. He's a sellsword who gave Tyrion an Important Look when he said that Lannisters always pay their debts.
Back at Winterfell, Bran is studying the great houses while Theon is showing off his archery skills. (I'm sure he'll be given an opportunity to use those skills in Season Two, right?) Bran is mopey because his mother went south. I think I ragged on Bran's actor a bit in an earlier post, but honestly I just don't like his character that much. The actor's fine. It's just the one stupid dream sequence.
Next up Theon plows Roz while - damn, pick that camera angle up a bit! Anyway, Roz has a new necklace, which will come up in Season Two. Tyrion gave it to her. Theon exposits a bit an his backstory - he's Ned Stark's hostage because his father tried to pull a rebellion some years back.
In King's Landing, Arya chases cats. Varys reminds Ned that he's a eunuch and then tells him that he needs to save King Robert because Robert's stupid. Man, I can see why you're the master of spies. Varys tells him that Jon Arryn was poisoned, and soon the poisoner will strike the king as well. Varys posits that Ser Hugh might have poisoned Arryn, but Hugh's dead now. Well, okay, but who paid him? "Someone who could afford it." Why kill Arryn? "He started asking questions." Hey Ned, stop asking questions!
Remember how I said that this scene opened with Arya chasing cats? Well she's chased a cat down into a dungeon where Varys and Illyrio are conspiring. Unfortunately Arya never met either of them so all she can say when asked to describe them is "one was fat." In the books she's obviously referring to Illyrio. Not sure which one she meant in the show.
Next up in his magic teleporting act, Varys arrives in the throne room and has a conversation with Littlefinger. Littlefinger mocks Varys's sexuality (and lack of the tools) and Varys points out that he knows all the perverse sexual habits of the guys who frequent Littlefinger's brothels. They both threaten each other with the possibility that they might reveal that the other is working too closely with Ned Stark, and by extension against Tywin Lannister. Renly shows up and drags them to a Small Council meeting that Robert will be attending.
Arya ends up outside the city, somehow, and has to mouth her way past the guards to get back in. It's not clear if they arrest her and drag her to Ned or if she just swans past them. Anyway, Arya's present when Yoren from the Night's Watch shows up. This will be important later. Yoren's here now to tell Ned that Catelyn took Tyrion hostage. And that means other people are going to know very soon.
Cately arrives at the Vale and is met by Ser Vardis (and not by Brynden Blackfish... boo). Bronn makes a joke. He and Tyrion are getting on.
Ned finally makes it to the Small Council meeting that Varys, Littlefinger and Renly were headed to earlier. This episode is so bizarrely edited. Anyway Daenerys is pregnant and Robert wants he dead. Ned can't abide killing innocent children (important character trait for him), so he resigns. Oh by the way, Ser Jorah is spying on Daenerys for King Robert. Also by the way, there's an empty seat at the council table. It's for Stannis Baratheon, Robert's middle brother, who fled to Dragonstone after Jon Arryn died.
Anyway Ned's about to leave King's Landing when Littlefinger shows up and snares him back by promising to take Ned to the last man Jon Arryn spoke to before falling ill.
Lysa Arryn, Jon's widow, meets her sister Catelyn while breastfeeding her son. By the way her son is eight. Whugh. Catelyn tries to make it clear that Tyrion is her prisoner, not Lysa's, but he's thrown down in the dungeon and from here on out, Vale law applies. (I'm going to continue to use the Vale as much as possible because I have a brain fart every time I try to spell Eyrie.)
So those Significant Glances Renly and Loras were exchanging? And that quip Littlefinger made? Yeah it turns out Loras and Renly are gay. And Renly is spilling court secrets to his lover. And Loras is encouraging Renly to be more ambitious, because Joff's a monster, Tommen is young, and Stannis is unlikeable. So he should be king. By the way, I gotta point out since they're both shirtless: Loras is supposed to be one of the best fighters in the realm, but he's skinnier than Theon.
Cersei and Robert have a funny scene together. Remember last episode where Jorah said Robert was stupid enough to meet the Dothraki in an open field? Robert: "Only a fool would meet the Dothraki in an open field." Anyway, Robert and Cersei. I think they'd be a lot happier if she was his advisor instead of his wife.
Ned's found Robert's youngest bastard, the daughter of a whore. The kid has black hair, just like Gendry, Robert's other known bastard, and just like Robert himself, but not any of Robert's legitimate children. Anyway this is a brothel, so Jory gets distracted by a topless chick. HBO!
Well now news of Tyrion's arrest has spread among the city. Jaime Lannister arrives, kills Jory, and has a duel with Ned. Man, what skill with a sword. (I'm sure he'll be given an opportunity to use those skills in Season Two, right?) Anyway this is a bit more epic than what's in the books, probably because the producers cast someone who could actually sword-fight as Ned Stark and wanted to let him show off a bit. So instead of falling off his horse and breaking his leg that way, Ned gets a spear shoved through his thigh. Not quite an arrow in the knee. Anyway, then Jaime runs off, having done his job of really upping the ante.
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