ADWD Bran I

In which Bran runs across a still-alive one-eyed wolf. Hey what? I thought Prologue characters actually freaking died at the end of the freaking prologue. I want my money back.

So as somebody on the internets was kind enough to point out, the odd-numbered books begin with someone north of the Wall getting killed by Others/wights, and the even-numbered books begin with a maester (or apprentice maester) in the south being poisoned. Again I'm not sure if that's entirely deliberate due to the trilogy creep and the fact that Feast and Dance would have been one book if GRRM had found a binding thick enough, but it's worth mentioning.

It's also worth mentioning that despite the massive snark in the previous posts (and the epic hate you're about to witness), I actually do love this series. Look at the column on your right. It says "I criticize because I care."



Anyway now we're north of the Wall. Bran is riding around in Hodor's basket with the two grandkids of the guy who will eventually reveal that Jon is Dany's nephew (even though they're the same age), and his zombified-but-still-somehow-good uncle. At least, that's according to my theories. And when I say Bran is riding around in Hodor's basket, actually he's spending a lot of time warging into Summer and... well, mind-raping Hodor. Jesus Christ, Bran. You are a creepy, creepy bugger. I used to hate you because so many of your chapters in the first two books were just you feeling sorry for yourself while Luwin fed us backstory and universe details. Now I hate you because you don't seem to have any qualms about mind-raping a mentally disabled man who is already doing all the, ahem, heavy lifting for your team.

And let's talk about Jojen, shall we? Poor kid is going to freeze/starve to death, but he's blindly following you because a zombie and a dream told you to find a three-eyed crow. I mean, what the seven hells? I mean, yeah, you're one of the three characters who are absolutely, positively going to be alive by the time Book Six ends, but remember when your father died just to prove that character shields don't mean a damn thing? (In theory? As that very article points out, only one of the fourteen major POV characters is actually permanently dead.)

Jojen's refrain of "this is not the day I die" is still endearing, mostly because it's been a month or so since the last time I saw him.  We'll see how long that lasts. Also we'll see how long he lasts. Why did he have to come with Bran again?

...I mean aside from the fact that Ramsay Bolton burned Winterfell to the ground and everyone decided on the spur of the moment that it was a much smarter move to split into two different groups instead of, say, heading to Greywater Watch - because Ironborn are clearly so much more dangerous than wildlings.

By the way, I'm picking on Bran because the other major culprit in the "does random and illogical stuff simply to drive the plot forward" category is no longer a POV character. Not that Bran's plot is, in fact, moving forward. So that's a bad analogy.

Oh, and new rule. Take a drink every time you read the words "broken body" in a Bran chapter.

So Zombie!Benjen Coldhands goes off to kill some members of the Night's Watch, which should really be like warning bell seven thousand. But he saved Sam and Gilly back in Book 3 for some reason. So that excuses him killing the Night's Watch brothers now. I have no idea where this plot is going. I mean, at least Arya got to the freaking House of Black and White in her first chapter of A Feast For Crows. That took her long enough, and she had loads of adventures along the way. Bran hasn't done anything of consequence since A Clash of Kings. 

So I'm five chapters in now and I'm wondering exactly who thought this book was so much better than A Feast For Crows. Hell, this book has all the B-plot characters plus Tyrion, who in my opinion benefits tremendously from having a sympathetic POV. Even though Feast was more slowly-paced than Storm, things happened in it that had immediate effects on the politics of the Seven Kingdoms. A general rule of thumb for me is that the further you get from King's Landing, the less interested I'll be.  Especially if you waste ten chapters following around a character who accomplishes squat before getting hanged.  At least Dance hasn't done that... yet.