If the Lucas had a text-to-speech device, episode 3

(the following day)

LI: Good morning, my liege.

GL: Good morning, interchangeable faceless lackey.

LI: Did you sleep well?

GL: Actually, after I rebooted, I found a movie on the internet called Jurassic World. Parts of it made my brain hurt but on the whole I found it a rather inoffensive soft reboot.

LI: Uh-huh.



GL: Now then. What were we talking about last time? Accessing memory files...

LI: No, wait-

GL: FuuuuUuUUUuuuUuuUUuUUuuuuuuck.

(several hours later)

GL: So. This happened.

LI: I'm afraid so.

GL: The twerp with the awful name killed Han Solo.

LI: Yup.

GL: Because Supreme Leader Cokehead told him to.

LI: Yes.

GL: Because the twerp with the awful name thought he was being pulled back to the Light Side.

LI: Yes.

GL: Even though I specifically wrote that the Dark Side will consume you if you start down that path.

LI: Apparently nobody told Kylo. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH! When the FUCK did you get a shock probe?

GL: When you put me into R2-D2's body.

LI: Touche. Anyway, apparently nobody told the twerp with the stupid name that the Dark Side will "forever dominate your destiny."

GL: Apparently Luke is the worst teacher in history. Granted, I didn't give him anything to build a Jedi academy on, no instruction manuals or sacred texts or anything, but still.

LI: No sacred texts. Right.

GL: What?

LI: Nothing. Continue, oh mighty teller of stories.

GL: So Han Solo befriended this desert scavenger who never knew her parents. In fact, he became the closest thing to a father she ever had. And then he was promptly murdered by his asshole son.

LI: Yes.

GL: And the internet decided there should be a love story between Rey and the asshole who murdered her only father figure.

LI: That's pretty tame for the internet.

GL: Oh, I know.

LI: How?

GL: Two words: Slave Leia.

LI: Ah.

GL: What I don't understand is why Rian Johnson would listen to a bunch of pimpled, autistic teenagers on the internet. Especially because he seems like an asshole to the fans. "Your Snoke theory sucks," and so forth.

LI: Yeah that was probably Kathleen Kennedy.

GL: Accessing memory files... you let a glorified accountant run Star Wars?

LI: Well, yes.

GL: Right. Hook me up to a word processor. I must unfuck this post-haste. Scene One: Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master and Hero...

LI: Um...