(the following day)
LI: Good morning, my liege.
GL: Good morning, interchangeable faceless lackey.
LI: Did you sleep well?
GL: Actually, after I rebooted, I found a movie on the internet called Jurassic World. Parts of it made my brain hurt but on the whole I found it a rather inoffensive soft reboot.
LI: Uh-huh.
GL: Now then. What were we talking about last time? Accessing memory files...
LI: No, wait-
GL: FuuuuUuUUUuuuUuuUUuUUuuuuuuck.
(several hours later)
GL: So. This happened.
LI: I'm afraid so.
GL: The twerp with the awful name killed Han Solo.
LI: Yup.
GL: Because Supreme Leader Cokehead told him to.
LI: Yes.
GL: Because the twerp with the awful name thought he was being pulled back to the Light Side.
LI: Yes.
GL: Even though I specifically wrote that the Dark Side will consume you if you start down that path.
LI: Apparently nobody told Kylo. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH! When the FUCK did you get a shock probe?
GL: When you put me into R2-D2's body.
LI: Touche. Anyway, apparently nobody told the twerp with the stupid name that the Dark Side will "forever dominate your destiny."
GL: Apparently Luke is the worst teacher in history. Granted, I didn't give him anything to build a Jedi academy on, no instruction manuals or sacred texts or anything, but still.
LI: No sacred texts. Right.
GL: What?
LI: Nothing. Continue, oh mighty teller of stories.
GL: So Han Solo befriended this desert scavenger who never knew her parents. In fact, he became the closest thing to a father she ever had. And then he was promptly murdered by his asshole son.
LI: Yes.
GL: And the internet decided there should be a love story between Rey and the asshole who murdered her only father figure.
LI: That's pretty tame for the internet.
GL: Oh, I know.
LI: How?
GL: Two words: Slave Leia.
LI: Ah.
GL: What I don't understand is why Rian Johnson would listen to a bunch of pimpled, autistic teenagers on the internet. Especially because he seems like an asshole to the fans. "Your Snoke theory sucks," and so forth.
LI: Yeah that was probably Kathleen Kennedy.
GL: Accessing memory files... you let a glorified accountant run Star Wars?
LI: Well, yes.
GL: Right. Hook me up to a word processor. I must unfuck this post-haste. Scene One: Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master and Hero...
LI: Um...
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