Things I am no longer allowed to do aboard the SSV Normandy [bumped and updated]

Aboard the SR-1...

1.  Richard L. Jenkins is not to be referred to as "Private Deadmeat."
2. Not allowed to refer to Avina as "Cortana."
3. Not allowed to set up a betting pool on who will survive Virmire/the Suicide Mission
4. Not allowed to draw inferences about Shepard's romance life based on who dies on Virmire
5. Not allowed to leave Liara on Virmire.
6. Not allowed to nuke Virmire from orbit, thus saving everyone.
7. The secret key to defeating the Reapers is not in my pants
8. Krogan regeneration does not work that way
9. Not allowed to shoot the space monkeys
10. Not allowed to point out that we could buy a new cruiser for what we're spending on Mako tires.
11. Not allowed to make Tali hack the game so we can skip the one-minute cutscene before the Battlemaster fight on Therum.
12. I am not a member of People For the Ethical Treatment of Space Monkeys
13. Not allowed to call Garrus "Space-Batman." Batman has no points in Sniper Rifles.
14. Not allowed to race-bait Navigator Pressly or Chief Williams.
15. Not allowed to compare Chief Williams to a member of Terra Firma. Or Cerberus.
16. Not allowed to gay-bait Lieutenant Alenko.
17. Not allowed to refer to Lieutenant Alenko as "Carth."
18. Not allowed to refer to Female Shepard as "Bastilla.
19. Not allowed to call the Salarian Councilor "Quark." Or "Andrew Ryan."
20. Not allowed to call Benezia "Troi."
21. Not allowed to speculate on why the asari Councilor could easily recognize Benezia's voice.
22. Not allowed to browse the extranet for photos of either the asari Councilor or Benezia during their Maiden phases. The Consort is fair game.
23. There is no such thing as an asari's Iron Maiden phase.
24. Not allowed to slip Shepard a pair of brass knuckles before the al-Jinali interview.
25. Not allowed to encourage a debate on the ethics of the genophage. Especially one between Wrex and Garrus.
26. Not allowed to follow everything Liara says with "also, she can kill you with her mind."
27. "The complete Battlestar Galactica" is not an appropriate item for Tali to take back for her Pilgrimage.  
28. Not allowed to go hunt a Shifty Looking Cow with Wrex. Or anyone.
29. Not allowed to try to get a threesome with Liara and the Consort.
30. Renegade Points are not standard Galactic currency and I must not try to convince Shepard otherwise.
31. Not allowed to recruit Conrad Verner, Gianna Parasini and Refund Guy into the "B-Team."
32. Liara is about four times older than I am. I must never forget this.
33. Wrex is at least ten times older than I am. I must never forget this.
34. Never allowed to tell Wrex to "use his head" when Shepard forgot to bring a hacker.
35. Turians are not "birds." They do not have "cat-faces" and their mandibles are not "cheap Hydralisk knockoffs."
36. Not allowed to ask Tali how she changes armors without dying.
37. Not allowed to ask Garrus or any other turian what those extra things on Saren's head are.
38. The response to "keelah se'lai" is not "so say we all."
39. Not allowed to hijack Peak 15's PA and broadcast music from Starship Troopers.
40. Not allowed to suggest that Shepard nuke Peak 15 from orbit, because "it's the only way to be sure."
41. The solution to the Thorian boss-fight is not "air-drop weed-whacker"
42. "I was temporarily indoctrinated" is not an excuse for anything.
43. Urdnot Wrex is to be addressed as "Wrex." Not "Dino-boy," "Snookums," "Turtle-head," or "Not-Worf."
44. I am not allowed to request a transfer to an asari ship.
45. Not allowed to set up a camera in Shepard's room right before we go to Ilos.
46. Not allowed to tell Shepard that Tali wants to bump uglies. At least not until the sequel.
47. Flamethrowers won't be invented until 2185. They therefore are not a solution to the Rachni problem.
48. Not allowed to repeat the rumor about Ambassador Udina and the Consort.
49. Not allowed to touch the lights. The Alliance obviously has a very good reason for keeping the interior of a warship so dark you can practically trip over your own console.

Aboard the SR-2 (Cerberus edition)...

1.  Conrad Verner still does not have security clearance to come aboard.
2. Not allowed to use "What would Jack do?" as a guide to my life choices.
3. Not allowed to do anything Jack suggested that makes me giggle for more than five seconds. Also must report it to Shepard at once.
4. Not allowed to lock Jack and Miranda in a storage locker in the hopes that a makeout session ensues.
5. Not allowed contact with Jack. Period.
6. Virtually every member of Shepard's team has a personal problem, and "just get over it" is not the solution.
7. Jacob is not a secret Shadow Broker employee.
8. That FENRIS mech did not "just follow me home."
9. The condition of the Illusive Man's lungs and liver is none of my concern.
10. Not allowed to touch the main gun. If I do, Garrus has to re-start all his calibrations and we'll never get to his loyalty mission.
11. Not allowed to tell Grunt there's a scientist responsible for the genophage aboard. 
12. Zaeed is not "Human Garrus." 
13. Not allowed to ask Zaeed about his many distant relatives in Ferelden. Or a galaxy far, far away.
14. Miranda is not "Space Morrigan." (Neither is Admiral Xen.)
15. Not allowed to discuss whether quarians or batarians are the more racist caricature of Arabs.
16. Not allowed to complain that no-one else gets the Shadow Strike ability but Kasumi.
17. Not allowed to suggest shore leave on Aeia.
18. Miranda's clothes are not appropriate for all body types.
19. Not allowed to call Tali "Tali'Zorah vas Neema, fee fi fo Feema."
20. It's "Kepral's syndrome," not "lung cancer." Also not "just an excuse to leave your shirt half-open."
21. Samara suddenly acting very differently is none of my business.
22. Jacob would not appreciate a copy of either Heart of Darkness or Lord of the Flies to help him get over his father's actions.
23. Admiral Gerrel is not a thinly disguised clone of Tywin Lannister. Not in this universe, anyway.
24. I am not the "guy in charge of flamethrowers."
25. Not allowed to touch the heavy weapons.
26. Not allowed to hack Shepard's alarm clock to say "ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL."
27. Not allowed to hack Tali's alarm clock to play "All Along the Watchtower."
28. Not allowed to ask Garrus, "Oh my God, what's wrong with your faaaaaaaaaaace?"
29. Not allowed to steal Yeoman Chambers's stripper suit.
30. Not allowed to have Tali hack into the Shadow Broker's terminals and dish out all that dirt on everyone. 
31. Not allowed to use the QEC for phone sex.
32. I am not a Prothean in disguise. This mission is not all about my quest to avenge my people.
33. Not allowed to place recording equipment in the starboard observation deck.
34. Ardat-Yakshi are a real thing and not something the asari made up to stop us hitting on them.
35. EDI is a tactical A.I. She is not an emissary from God. She most certainly does not live inside my head.
36. Not allowed to call EDI "Kerrigan," either.
37. Not allowed to suggest the Normandy needs life-pods in case it's ever disabled and attacked by Collectors while every single specialist is off-ship.
38. Not allowed to ask Ken to say "I'm giving her all she's got!" 
39. Not allowed to joke that the Illusive Man doesn't need any more power because he's already the President.
40. Not allowed to abandon the mission to cameo in Blasto 2.  
41. Not allowed to ever use the phrase, "if only we had the Mako..."
42. Not allowed to complain that there's no Towers of Hanoi puzzle this time.
43. We switched from heat-sinks to thermal clips for very good reasons. No need to point out the obvious shortcomings.
44. It is more important for Shepard to know where the spare thermal clips are than to know where his towel is.
45. I am not qualified to be Mordin's lab assistant. I am also not qualified to sing harmonies with Mordin.
46. Not allowed to try to sleep with Aria.
47. Not allowed to try to f*ck with Aria.
48. Not allowed to call Legion "Locutus of Borg." Or "3PO." Or ask if that's a royal "we."
49. Not allowed to ask Zaal'Koris about his ship's name.
50. Not allowed to suggest Zaal'Koris transfer to the Iktomy.
51. Not allowed to call Shepard "the Six-Billion Credit Man" after the events of Project Lazarus.
52. Not allowed to call Shepard "TRON" or "Neo" after the events of Project Overlord.
53. Not allowed to suggest Shepard "hit it and quit it."
54. Not allowed to give Shepard relationship advice.
55. Not allowed to feed Shepard's fish.
56. "Zaeed did it first" is not an excuse.
57. Not allowed to spread rumors that Tali reprogrammed Legion to be a sexbot.
58. Not allowed to spread rumors that Kelly reprogrammed Legion to be a sexbot.
59. Not allowed to nuke the Collector Base from orbit.
60. Not allowed to ask Mordin to sing the Song That Never Ends.

Aboard the SR-2 (Alliance edition)

1. Just because the Reapers are here doesn't mean it's time to visit the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
2. Still not allowed to call Shepard "TRON" or "Neo" after the geth server mission.
3. Cannot bribe Matriarch Aethyta to say "Liara, I am your father."
4. The location of the place where Spectres and their friends get boob jobs is privileged information.
5.  Not allowed to wonder aloud if Fem!Shep's into BDSM. All female civilians wear collars for some reason.
6. Not allowed to encourage Javik to call humans "damn dirty apes."
7. Not allowed to ask the Illusive Man "Oh my God, what's wrong with your faaaaaaace?" during the final confrontation.
8. Not allowed to ask Lt. Cmdr. Williams exactly when/why she switched from distrusting aliens to distrusting human-centric organizations.
9. Not allowed to call Williams/Alenko "that squadmate Shepard didn't kill on Virmire."
10. Not allowed to drink anything Lt. Vega gives me.
11. Still not allowed to give Conrad Verner access to the Normandy.
12. Definitely not allowed to tell Conrad Verner about a certain apartment in the Silversun Strip.
13. Not allowed to call Shepard's new apartment "The old Anderson-Sanders love nest."
14. Not allowed to quote The Call of C'thulhu while we're hunting Leviathan.
15. Not allowed to quote Dune while we're summoning Kalross.
16. Not allowed to use the Cerberus research on Horizon to make one of the docile Husks slap itself over and over again while asking "why are you hitting yourself?"
17. The M-7 Lancer and the M-8 Avenger look almost identical. I will never switch the labels on them.
18. I am not allowed to create "Prothean Park."
19. If Shepard tolerates Liara freaking out at seeing Huskified asari after neither Shepard nor Garrus freaked out over the Huskified humans and turians, then so will I.
20. Not allowed to ask Javik which Reaper is the Prothean-Reaper.
21. That Banshee labeled "Morinth" on Earth was a random glitch in the targeting system. I must never tell anyone about it.
22. I am not Wreav's spy.
23. Not allowed to point out that, if the genophage cure is sabotaged, the krogan will figure it out pretty damn quick.
24. The correct answer to the question "Does this unit have a soul?" is not "Kill them all and let God sort it out."
25. Not allowed to wonder why there are aliens on the Council if a Renegade Shepard took the Renegade ending to the first game.
26. Not allowed to ask Kasumi to put cameras in Shepard's quarters right before the raid on Cronos Station.
27. If the modifications Zaeed and Garrus make to Shepard's apartments violate OSHA, I will tell no-one. If they make me giggle, I will alert Shepard immediately.
28. Not allowed to suggest Balak be made Admiral of Slamming Asteroids Into Reapers.
29. Not allowed to poke around London looking for a blue phone box.
30. Not allowed to tell Admiral Hackett to "Hack it out."
31. Not allowed to ask to see Jack's N7 tattoo.
32. Not allowed to scream "Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" during the relevant part of the Citadel mission.
33. Not allowed to suggest Shepard and the clone just start making out.
34. Not allowed to resurrect the clone for sex.
35. Not allowed to resurrect the clone to add it to Conrad Verner's B-Team.
36. 
    

On Re-watching Jurassic Park for the first time in my adult life

1. Doctor Who has ruined this for me just as it ruined Star Wars. Because I could see the "bad version" of the effects in Doctor Who, I knew what to look for in Star Wars. The exact same principle applies here. Or to put it another way "Puppet, puppet, CGI, puppet, extraordinarily fake car CGI, puppet, CGI, CGI, how'd they do- oh never mind puppet, CGI."
2. By the same token, however, I've found that I can now actually understand what Hammond and Grant are saying behind their accents. So it's not all bad.
3. John Hammond is an idiot.
4. Ian Malcolm is frakking annoying.
5. Bless them, those kids can actually act. Well, inasmuch as they're supposed to be annoying little brats.
6. OH F*CK RAPTOR RAPTOR RAPTOR 
7. ...wow. There were only three Raptors in that entire film. 6-year-old-me remembers there being more. (Then again, 16-year-old-me read the book,  in which there were a hell of a lot more, so that might be coloring things.)

Why "Game of Thrones" only deserves one Emmy this year

So. Game of Thrones is up for Outstanding Drama, Best Supporting Actor (Peter Dinklage) and Best Supporting Actress (Emilia Clarke). It is absolutely the best thing on television by virtue of being the only thing, my friend's attempts to get me to watch Breaking Bad (meaning Breaking Bad now, not Breaking Bad starting at the beginning) notwithstanding, that I'm watching.

But, um... Tyrion didn't do anything this year. You would think that Jaime's "Kingslayer" scene would get him the nomination... though of course I'd say that, since Jaime's my favorite character in the books. But Tyrion? Aside from "set up some Podrick dick jokes," name one thing he did this season! (Granted, this season and next season are the Seasons In Which I am Down On Tyrion, because those two seasons are the adaptations of A Storm of Swords, also known as That Book In Which Tyrion Straight-Up Murders My Other Favorite Character (and I ain't talkin' about the one he strangles).

And as I've discussed at length, the Red Wedding kinda sorta sucked.

On the other hand... Dracarys, baby. Dracarys all the way.

How f*cked is your favorite character in A Song of Ice and Fire?

Short answer: probably very.

Long answer... (Spoilers through the TWOW preview chapters)

On villains and sympathy

HuffPo counts Cersei Lannister as one of the most sympathetic literary villains. Really? To quote a TvTropes sentiment I agree with wholeheartedly, "The Cersei chapters of A Feast For Crows are so packed with her arrogance, smugness, paranoia, self-satisfaction, willfull blindness and most of all blatant stupidity that it's almost nauseating."

Before we continue, some essential music:

Now, then, what makes a villain sympathetic?

Come to think of it, the Red Wedding was a massive disappointment

Look, if you've read the source material, then you know that there are approximately two awesome scenes left before the series starts to rot.* And on top of that, B&W said that the Red Wedding was one of the things they were most excited about in making the show. So it should have been awesome. And yet the only thing that was awesome about it was how we book-readers got to feast on non-book-reader tears.

*Or, alternatively, until the series undertakes an exercise in world-building that is probably unfilmable.

Spoilers through the end of ASOS below.

Extremely brief photosnark

Now, this is a good photoplasty (for once), but #14 is just frakking wrong. It claims that there's a moment in Pink Floyd's "The Great Gig in the Sky" where you can hear the whispered words "if you can hear whispering, you're dying." Not true. The words are, "I never said I was afraid of dying."

(For the record, #10 is also technically incorrect. The celebration music at the end of Star Wars Episode I is indeed the Emperor's theme, but it's not so much "pitched higher and played more upbeat," although that is true, as it is played in a MAJOR KEY.)

From the "in the Armageddon-esque event that I have children..." file

Prompted by this article.

"It’s time to take away our children’s TVs, iPhones, iPads and all the other shit they shouldn’t have and force them to listen to music prior to 1999."

Never mind for a moment the fact that I'm 25 and don't own a smartphone - that's a lifestyle choice on my part that I've never regretted. My kids aren't getting a cell phone until they're in high school, and they're not getting a tablet or a smartphone from me, period.

And they're never getting an iTunes gift card, although that has more to do with the fact that after I moved all my music onto a new computer, the three songs* I bought off iTunes randomly crap out halfway through them. F*cking DRM.

No, kids, when it comes to music, you're getting the entire Beatles catalogue (minus Let It Be),** the entire Zeppelin catalogue,*** everything AC/DC did between and including Let There Be Rock and Back in Black, Thin Lizzy from Fighting to Renegade, Pink Floyd from Meddle to The Wall, and, oh hell yes, Iron Maiden from The Number of the Beast through Seventh Son of a Seventh Son, and Brave New World to boot.

You are welcome.

*"Big Gun" by AC/DC, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band, and "When You're Evil" by Voltaire.  Yes, really.

**And I'll attach a note to The White Album that says "you can only do something this mindlessly self-indulgent when you've already given the world 'A Day in the Life'"

***Because as weak as the rest of Presence is, "Achilles Last Stand" is f*cking epic.

And the word that Blogger can't recognize today: catalogue. Not making this up.