From the "in the Armageddon-esque event that I have children..." file

Prompted by this article.

"It’s time to take away our children’s TVs, iPhones, iPads and all the other shit they shouldn’t have and force them to listen to music prior to 1999."

Never mind for a moment the fact that I'm 25 and don't own a smartphone - that's a lifestyle choice on my part that I've never regretted. My kids aren't getting a cell phone until they're in high school, and they're not getting a tablet or a smartphone from me, period.

And they're never getting an iTunes gift card, although that has more to do with the fact that after I moved all my music onto a new computer, the three songs* I bought off iTunes randomly crap out halfway through them. F*cking DRM.

No, kids, when it comes to music, you're getting the entire Beatles catalogue (minus Let It Be),** the entire Zeppelin catalogue,*** everything AC/DC did between and including Let There Be Rock and Back in Black, Thin Lizzy from Fighting to Renegade, Pink Floyd from Meddle to The Wall, and, oh hell yes, Iron Maiden from The Number of the Beast through Seventh Son of a Seventh Son, and Brave New World to boot.

You are welcome.

*"Big Gun" by AC/DC, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band, and "When You're Evil" by Voltaire.  Yes, really.

**And I'll attach a note to The White Album that says "you can only do something this mindlessly self-indulgent when you've already given the world 'A Day in the Life'"

***Because as weak as the rest of Presence is, "Achilles Last Stand" is f*cking epic.

And the word that Blogger can't recognize today: catalogue. Not making this up.

Various Songs for Various Occasions

thiContinuing yesterday's theme...

Easter: "The Holy War," by Thin Lizzy. Yes, despite the fact that it's essentially the template for every Iron Maiden chord progression ever, it's all about Christ's temptation in the desert.

Christmas: "Thank God it's Christmas," Queen.

For the start of summer vacation (through high school): "Jailbreak" by AC/DC. Because you're free!

For the start of summer vacation (college, graduate school): "The Boys are Back in Town," Thin Lizzy. Because you and your high school buddies are back in town, duh.

Right before finals week: "For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)" by AC/DC. If you think you stand a fighting chance in Hell. Otherwise, go out in style with "Highway to Hell." And if you ace an exam you thought you'd fail, "Back in Black."

Graduation: "We Are the Champions," Queen.

The day after your first date: "I've Just Seen a Face," by the Beatles. This one's fairly obscure, I'll admit (I know, I know, a Beatles song that's obscure is some sort of oxymoron), but "she's just the girl for me, and I want all the world to see we've met" pretty much sums up what any guy is thinking after a (successful) first date.

At other people's funerals: "Wish You Were Here," Pink Floyd. Heck, that entire album.

Your first day at a full-time job that you expect to turn into a career: "Dogs," Pink Floyd. "And after a while, you can work on points for style, like the club tie and the firm handshake, a sudden look in the eye and an easy smile." Yeah, you end up "another sad old man, all alone and dying of cancer," but who doesn't?

At your wedding: "Something," the Beatles, and a whole host of others (see the previous post).

During your midlife crisis: "Time," Pink Floyd. "The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, shorter of breath and one day closer to death." I just realized that the second verse has absolutely no rhyming scheme whatsoever. (No, not even breath/death, because if that were the case, "around" would have to rhyme with "again" earlier in the verse.)

At your funeral: "High Hopes," Pink Floyd. "Hells Bells" for irony.

"It'll Do Because It's Doctor Who:" The Danger of Branding

There's a theory, one that's admittedly hard to disprove, that says you can draw conclusions about branding. For example, cult shows had better not try to swim on FOX.

...well that's not the point I was trying to make. Fortunately, that theory can be disproved by such notable shows as...

...dammit.

Well, anyway:

People think something is worth their time and money because they know that that something is good. Is it a CD with the words AC/DC on it? No? Okay, AC(lightning-slash)DC? Okay, there we go. Yeah, that CD is probably full of overdriven guitars playing three chords while the singer praises rock and roll. Or women. Well, "praise" might not be the right word, but you get the point.

That film starts with the words "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away?" I guarantee you that at some point someone will whip out a glowing laser-sword. Also someone will say "I have a bad feeling about this."

A television show that starts with a syncopated bass line and a "oo-ee-oo" theme tune? Well, it's probably about a man with 13 lives gallivanting around space and time, probably with a young woman along to get captured and tied up every twenty minutes. If the credits don't include a phone box tumbling through a vortex, chances are the effects are going to be pretty shoddy, too.

Well, yes, nobody can disagree with me on these points, because everything I've said thus far is objective. I didn't say "AC/DC is the greatest band evar!!!" and I didn't say "Star Wars is stupid, overrated, and only for the drooling morons who want space adventures but can't get past Doctor Who's bad effects." (No, of course not. Star Wars is stupid, overrated, and only for the drooling morons who want space adventures but can't get past Star Trek's bad effects, while Nu Who is stupid, overrated, and only for the drooling morons who want space adventures but can't get past Classic Who's bad effects.)

That stuff in parentheses was a joke. But here's the thing! People think that. They may or may not have a good reason to think that. Certainly, nobody whose only experience with Doctor Who was, say Seasons 22-24, or whose only exposure to Star Wars is Attack of the Clones is going to think that either thing was ever very good.

Then there are the people who will stick with something that's obviously bad and defend it to the death simply because it's got the name of something they like on it. Let It Be isn't a bad album, they'll say. That's impossible! The Beatles didn't make bad albums.

There are probably people out there who will sit through repeated showings of The Godfather Part III just because it's got The Godfather in its title. I just want you to think about that. There are people like that out there.

...and they're allowed to vote.

The title of this post comes from the attitude taken towards Doctor Who by its own producer in the late 70s. People love this show. They eat it up. It's not for any specific reason; it just is. And that is precisely the point, Brigadier. That is precisely the point.

If you love something, be it a TV show or a band or a film series or a book, for the love of all that is holy cast a critical eye over it every once and again (unless this something you love is your significant other, for They Can Do No Harm). If the quality declines, say so! Don't eagerly lap it up just because it's got the same title as your favorite film, just a different roman numeral at the end!

There's a reason fanboys have a bad name, aside from the fact that they have no lives outside the object of their worship. They cannot look at something and acknowledge that it's bad. Even Doctor Who is only a partial subversion these days, because everyone "knows" that Seasons 22-24 were horrible, but still nobody wants to look that closely at the flaws of, say The Caves of Androzani! Are we honestly unable to look at our favorite things through the eyes of someone else?

Yes, as fans we are allowed to forgive certain things more easily (say, Doctor Who and the Silurians). But for the love of all that's holy, never, ever ever ever ever ever ever tell a non-fan that they just don't "get" it. Nothing will turn them off a cult thing faster than obnoxious and willfully blind fan-worship.

What Should Have Been Their Last Album

You know the zombie band. They've been making albums for 20 years and haven't been good for ten. There was one album that they should have stopped with, but for some reason they didn't. Frankly every band every falls into this category, and to prove it, I'll start with...

The Beatles - Abbey Road (1969)

What we'll miss: "Let It Be," "Get Back."

Okay this is a no-brainer. The Beatles started working on Let It Be, abandoned it, made Abbey Road, and then came back to Let It Be. They should have just, er, let it be.


Metallica - Master of Puppets (1986)

What we'll miss: "One," "Enter Sandman," that live album with the orchestra.

If Metallica's studio output was limited to their first three albums, they'd be legends today. Hell, if they'd all died in that bus crash, their place in the music pantheon would be assured, because we all know dead artists are better. (Just so we're clear on this, I don't wish anyone dead.) Instead, they slogged on, sold out, and helped saturate the 90s with crappy music. Puppets is the logical exit point for this band. They'd been progressing steadily for their first three albums, and they hit their high water-mark here.


Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here (1975)

What we'll miss: "Comfortably Numb*," "Hey You," maybe "High Hopes."

This is probably the most contentious one on the list, because The Wall is so very famous. Unfortunately, the best part about The Wall was the live act, because without it, the album is just a 2-hour whinge. Wish You Were Here is a tribute to their former bandmate and better days in general, starting off with a lyrical nod to "Remember a Day" and concluding with a musical nod to "See Emily Play," two of their early songs. What better way to ride out? *We'd actually still have "Comfortably Numb," it would just be a David Gilmour solo song with different lyrics.


AC/DC - Back in Black (1980)

What we'd miss - "For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)," "Thunderstruck."

Somewhere, surely, there's an alternate universe where this band decided to honor Bon Scott's memory by finishing the album they'd just started writing when he died, and then called it a day. This is the second-biggest-selling album of all time! You're never going to top that.


Iron Maiden - Seventh Son of a Seventh Son (1988)

What we'd miss - "Fear of the Dark."

See, they'd re-form in 2000 for Brave New World et seq. But Maiden without Adrian Smith isn't very good, and Maiden without Bruce is IMINO - Iron Maiden In Name Only.


Led Zeppelin - Physical Graffiti (1975)

What we'd miss: "Achilles Last Stand," "Nobody's Fault but Mine," "Fool in the Rain."

Do I even have to explain this one?

The 100 Greatest Albums of All Time

In my bored adventures of Desperately Staving Off Boredom in a Non-Homework Related Way, I stumbled across a list Time Magazine compiled 4 years ago of the... well, read the title.

And it's wrong. It's so hilariously wrong it's not even funny despite the use of the word "hilarious" just 5 words before the word "funny." Which means of course that I get to use this as a springboard for a massive, epic, and entirely too self-referential rant.

First off, this is wrong. No, I'm not saying Master of Puppets shouldn't be on there, but look at the first sentence. "Their next album would be the glossy, gazillion-selling breakthrough..." would have to read "Their next album would be a tragically undermixed, bass-less retread of everything one of their rivals did, and the next album after that would be a glossy, gazillion-selling sellout..." in order to be accurate.

Also Pink Floyd isn't on it. I'm sorry, but any list of great albums that does not contain a Pink Floyd album is simply wrong. What, did you have a quota? A set number of albums that had to go to rap "music" or crappy pop bands? I know music taste is subjective, but you put some criminally overhyped and undersold albums on there and couldn't find room for a legitimate masterpiece like The Dark Side of the Moon, which only stayed on the charts for a measly 14 years? I know rock critics must by definition have a love affair with the Beatles and Bob Dylan, and must genuflect at the altar of "Stairway to Heaven," but come on.

It's people like you that cause hype backlash against artists like the Beatles and Dylan. By overhyping them at the expense of undeniably better albums, you're not winning any friends among the classic rock snobs... and by putting stupid cookie-cutter pop albums on the list and overlooking albums like Dark Side, you're still alienating the classic rock snobs. What, not a single member of your staff was born in the late 50s? I don't understand how your interpretation of music history could go "Everything the Beatles did was holy and awesome, and then after they broke up there was a musical black hole broken up only by sporadic blips on the radar like 'Stairway to Heaven' before the Sex Pistols destroyed the concept of production quality, Michael Jackson destroyed the concept of musical sanity, and Slayer destroyed the concept of 'heavy enough.' Oh, and then Nirvana destroyed the concept of good music except they didn't." Well, of course it doesn't. You've somehow deluded yourselves into thinking that Nevermind is more important than Dark Side, but I maintain that the only reason anyone actually remembers that album today is a) because self-indulgent trendsetters like you have a skewed music taste and b) because Cobain's dead.

So you're not doing him any favors by promoting his album of whining over a legitimate masterpiece (The Wall was whining too, but at least it yielded a truly epic guitar solo). I don't care because I don't like him. I do like the Beatles, which makes your overhyping of them annoying, because you're not doing them any favors. Revolver, Rubber Soul, Sgt. Pepper, White Album, and Abbey Road? What, did each editor get to pick their favorite Beatles album? Under what definition except "legacy act" is the album that gave us "Wild Honey Pie" a better album than the one that gave us "Highway to Hell?"

Full disclosure: Highway to Hell is not on the list and that's as it should be, because the title track is really the only thing anyone remembers off that album. Nevertheless, I would be willing to bet you money that "Highway to Hell" gets more radio play each day (and is known by more guitarists) than all the songs off The White Album combined. Perhaps a better question would be why five Beatles albums made the list but only one Zeppelin album did.

Perhaps what the next "journalist" who wants to "compile" a list of the "greatest" albums of all time should limit himself to no more than one album per artist. After all, one of the most interesting things I found about that list was that The Black Album wasn't on it. That's as it should be. Metallica were perfectly represented by the far superior Master of Puppets. AC/DC got Back in Black, which does them a perfect service.

In fact, I would like to see a list of great albums, again only one per band, that deliberately excludes the stuff you always hear on the radio. Metallica would be represented by Ride the Lightning, Led Zeppelin by Presence (I cannot be the only person who absolutely loves that album), Pink Floyd by Wish You Were Here, Iron Maiden by Powerslave, and AC/DC by If You Want Blood. Some may say it's a live album and therefore cheating. I say it's still infinitely better than anything made in my lifetime.

Also, shame on you, the reader, for not noticing that in the second paragraph I said "It's so hilariously wrong" and then said I used the word "hilarious." Well done.

IG2EUS: Concept Albums

The Irreverent Guide to Everything Under the Sun has this to say on the subject of concept albums:

Concept albums are albums that are centered around a single unifying concept, be it sex, drugs, or rock and roll. The term is a unification of two words: "Concept," meaning that the songs have a common theme, and "album," meaning a collection of songs recorded by one band in one place and at one time.

The concept of concept albums has been around since the 1950s but the crossover to rock music was first attempted in 1967 by Paul McCartney of the Beatles. The attempt was, frankly, less than sucessful, but that's not to say that Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is not a freaking good album. It is. It is in fact one of the biggest-selling albums of all time, and though rock fans can be morons at time, the collective idiocy required to buy more than 30 million copies of a less-than-stellar recording would be too great for any civilization to actually survive this long. The fact of the matter is, however, that there are more songs on Back in Black that have to do with the death of Bon Scott than there are on Sgt. Pepper that have to do with the Lonely Hearts Club Band.

The other common example of the quintessential concept album is Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon, an example that is equally flawed for opposite reasons. There are in fact two concepts on this album. Side one deals with life, while side two deals with isolation and madness. Where The Dark Side of the Moon falls apart is on the "album" side of the equation, and it is therefore unique among non-rock-opera concept albums for having extended instrumental passages that are not parts of actual songs.

Pink Floyd built on this, er, concept, though, and in 1975 they unleashed Wish You Were Here, which is not only a perfect example of a concept album, but arguably also a perfect example of Pink Floyd at their finest (if you can sit through the 8-and-a-half-minute instrumental passage before the first word is sung). The album might as well have been called The Rise and Fall of Roger Keith "Syd" Barrett, because that is precisely what it is about. Unlike The Dark Side of the Moon, there is only one unifying theme instead of two, and all of the different "tracks" on it are actual songs instead of a mix of songs and separate instrumental passages. They did it again in 1977 with Animals before creating one of the quintessential rock operas, The Wall.

A rock opera is a concept album that leans far too heavily on the "concept" side of the equation. These albums tell a story through their songs, at least in theory. In actual practice, the listener tends to get a small number of awesome songs, while the plot is actually described in 1-minute breaks between the songs. Every rock opera ever is guilty of this. Also every rock opera of any importance involves a rebirth of fascism.

IG2EUS: The Beatles

The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wonderful piece of fiction about a fish out of water, babelfish in peoples' ears, the significance of the number forty-two, the greatest drink in the universe, and a bowl of petunias.

This is not that story.

Rather, this is the Irreverent Guide to Everything Under the Sun, which is in no way a pathetic rip-off of a book written by an atheist that is probably read more than the Bible nowadays.

Statements like the previous one used to be rather inflammatory and taken far too seriously. There was once a man who suggested that an organization that he was part of was bigger than Jesus. He cannot be reached for comment, because quite like the author of the Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, he is spending eternity dead for reasons that have nothing to do with taxes whatsoever. But the organization that he was a part of lives on. You can hear their message on the radio every day. They were instrumental in creating a movement that can still affect young people today despite the fact that they haven't done anything, really, in 40 years.

They are, of course, the Beatles, a band whose name could not possibly have gone five seconds in this day and age without some clever critic adding a second "s" to the end of their name. Another thing that the Beatles did that no band could possibly get away with today is not tour for the second half of their career. In the days before the invention of the Internet, when disaffected teenagers (called "fans" by their idols and the media) could not copy and share audio and video recordings for free, when record sales actually meant something, touring was really a means of supporting an album. And because the Beatles' albums included Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, one of the biggest-selling albums of all time, there was really no need to go on tour.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is claimed by some to be the very first rock concept album. This is untrue. Not even John Lennon thought Sgt. Pepper was a concept album. Sgt. Pepper may have brought the concept of concept albums to the rock scene, but it didn't do much more than that, other than sell, sell, sell, and also cause everyone to wonder how in the hell they'd managed to record an orchestra on only four tracks.

Not long after Sgt. Pepper, the band recorded The Beatles, also known as The White Album.

No. Stop.

The previous statement is incorrect. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr and George Harrison recorded The Beatles, but with the benefit of hindsight it is clear that they did not do so as a band. A general rule of thumb that all bands can follow to benefit from this lesson is not to skimp on the cover art. To wit:

AC/DC: Back in Black had a mostly black cover. Their sales started declining with the release of their next album.

Pink Floyd: The Wall had a simple cover. The recording process saw one member of the band get fired, and was the beginning of the end for another member.

Metallica: Metallica. They followed the Beatles' strategy of releasing a self-titled album under the nickname "The (Absence of Color) Album," and like the Beatles, went to Music Hell shortly thereafter.

Note that all of these albums sold very very well and were generally well-recieved.

At any rate, The White Album can be generously reviewed as a project made by four people who, because they weren't touring and also their manager was now dead, simply weren't relating to each other very well anymore. The Beatles broke up in 1970 and there was much sadness.

Then in 1971 an untitled album by four other Brits was released and eventually outsold Sgt. Pepper. But that's a different story.