Doctor Who was a little sci-fi thing that started in 1963. It is still popular to this day, though I'm actually increasingly hard-pressed to explain why. It has run for a total of 31 seasons and has had more than 700 episodes.
In contrast, Firefly ran for 13 episodes over the course of half a season in 2002. And its 13 episodes were nowhere near as rediculous as these.
Enjoy.
Lines marked with a * are actual lines of dialogue William Hartnell said on the show. All but one of them made it to the air.
Episode One
The THEME TUNE plays for the first time. CHILDREN ACROSS BRITAIN hide behind the SOFA, though in all fairness they might still be there from yesterday night, when news of JFK’s assassination broke. Anyway, we see a POLICE BOX in a JUNKYARD. It is humming.
Cut to a SCHOOL. Two TEACHERS discuss an odd student, SUSAN FOREMAN.
IAN: Susan’s strange.
BARBARA: Yes.
IAN: Let’s follow her home.
BARBARA: A perfectly normal response.
They follow her to the JUNKYARD. Inside, she disappears. They find the POLICE BOX. Just then, DOCTOR WHO appears. He’s an old man and he’s not at all friendly.
IAN: Have you seen a young girl?
DOCTOR WHO: What? No. There are no girls here.
IAN: You were about to open that police box.
BARBARA: We heard her voice from inside there.
DOCTOR WHO: So what? Go away.
IAN: Barbara, it’s obvious he’s got her locked up in there.
DOCTOR WHO: You’re the one looking for a young girl, you child molester.
SUSAN opens the doors for some reason. IAN and BARBARA force their way in. DOCTOR WHO is SUSAN’s GRANDFATHER, but he does not answer to I. M. FOREMAN, which is the name on the front of the junkyard.
DOCTOR WHO: Eh? Doctor Who? What’s he talking about?*
DOCTOR WHO patiently explains that the POLICE BOX, which is (gasp) BIGGER on the INSIDE, is a time machine called TARDIS. THIS DOCTOR, however, will keep calling it “the SHIP.”
DOCTOR WHO: And now I can’t let you go, because you know I have a time machine.
He then activates the machine, dragging all four of them into the PAST (maybe).
IAN: We didn’t believe it was a time machine until you kidnapped us!
Episodes 2-4
Conveniently for the characters, the SHIP has a DEVICE which allows its exterior to change so it can blend in with its surroundings. Conveniently for the show’s budget, the DEVICE is broken. It will look like a POLICE BOX for the next 47+ YEARS.
BARBARA: So we’re in the past. I’m a history teacher and I’m bored with this.
DOCTOR WHO: Well, I’m never taking you home. You’d tell the world about my time machine.
BARBARA: Yes, because a police box that’s bigger on the inside and can travel through time-
DOCTOR WHO: And space!
IAN: I’m a science teacher and I don’t believe any of it.
DOCTOR WHO: Oh, so this desert is what, just a set?
IAN: Yes. Yes it is. That backdrop over there is terrible.
DOCTOR WHO is about to respond when a CAVEMAN knocks him out and drags him back to the CAVE. After a very silly RESCUE ATTEMPT, EVERYONE ELSE is captured by CAVEMEN.
CAVEMEN: We will now speak rather articulately about local politics, but our dialogue will be interspersed with words like “Orb” for both “sun” and “God” to demonstrate that we really are primitives.
After TWO EPISODES of NONSENSE, IAN makes FIRE and scares the CAVEMEN. They run back to the SHIP.
DOCTOR WHO: Well, you’re all right. I’ll take you back home after all.
PLOT happens and he misses. The SHIP materializes in the middle of a JUNGLE. FANDOM argues about whether they are now in the PAST or the FUTURE for the next 47 years, because the next SERIAL is one of the most important in the show’s history.
DOCTOR WHO: Rather than try again, I’m going exploring.
BARBARA: Sure, why not? It worked so well last time.
SUSAN: I’m having second thoughts about being in this show already. There’s nothing for me to do.
EVERYONE leaves the SHIP. The CAMERA lingers on a RADIATION SENSOR. The RADIATION LEVEL is almost OFF the CHART.
Episode 5
The HEROES find some PILLS outside the SHIP, but decline to take them.
IAN: What happened to this jungle?
DOCTOR WHO: Looks like there was a nuclear explosion, Chesserman.
IAN: It’s “Chesterfield.”
BARBARA: Should we worry about radiation?
DOCTOR WHO: No.
They find a city.
DOCTOR WHO: Let’s split up.
They do. BARBARA gets menaced by a TOILET PLUNGER.
CHILDREN ACROSS BRITAIN hide behind the SOFA.
EVERYONE IN BRITAIN: Holy crap! What was that!
Episode 6
It is NOVEMBER 22nd, 1963. The PRODUCTION TEAM is ready to begin filming the EPISODE five weeks before it will be broadcast.
DIRECTOR: Right, everyone, look shocked, fearful, and apprehensive.
FLOOR MANAGER: Holy #$%&! JFK’s been shot!
EVERYONE looks shocked, fearful, and apprehensive.
DIRECTOR: Excellent!
DOCTOR WHO finds a Geiger Counter. The RADIATION is OFF the CHART.
IAN: We’re all doomed!
GIANT PEPPERPOTS with TOILET PLUNGERS on their arms ambush EVERYONE EXCEPT BARBARA. CHILDREN ACROSS BRITAIN hide behind the SOFA.
PEPPERPOT: You – are – our – prisoner!
The HEROES get thrown in a CELL with BARBARA. DOCTOR WHO collapses from the radiation.
IAN: We’re going to die.
BARBARA: Wait! What about the pills we found?
DOCTOR WHO: They may have been anti-radiation gloves. Drugs. I can’t be certain.*
IAN: Oh yes. Someone should go get those.
SUSAN is chosen because of PLOT.
PEPPERPOT: Yes – we – will – let – you – go – but – come – back – or – everyone – will – die!
SUSAN: I kinda figured that.
SUSAN runs in place while STAGE HANDS attack her face with BRANCHES. Apparently the PRODUCTION TEAM did not build the JUNGLE SET this week.
Episodes 7-11
SUSAN recovers the pills and runs into a LOVE INTEREST ALIEN. However she is too young for him. She returns to the cells with the pills. RADIATION ceases to be a problem for ANYONE ever.
BARBARA: How come pepperpots have jail cells with benches?
DOCTOR WHO flubs more LINES. Eventually they ESCAPE.
LOVE INTEREST ALIEN: The pepperpots have agreed to give us food. Which we need, because of PLOT.
The PEPPERPOTS mow down the LOVE INTEREST ALIEN’S PEOPLE.
LOVE INTEREST ALIEN: This means war. But we are a peaceful people. But this means war.
IAN: We’ll split up. Some of us will go through the caves while others make a frontal assault on the city.
COWARD ALIEN: I’ll go through the caves.
LOVE INTEREST ALIEN: Barbara, I will now demonstrate knowledge of your planet and your people’s customs.
BARBARA ends up wearing his PANTS. They appear to be made of LEATHER and have HOLES cut in them. A MONSTER attacks them near the SWAMP. CHILDREN ACROSS BRITAIN hide behind the SOFA. They go through the CAVES. COWARD ALIEN falls down a PIT and DIES. CHILDREN ACROSS BRITAIN hide behind the SOFA.
PEPPERPOT #1: We – are – addicted – to – radiation. We – must – detonate – another - neutron – bomb.
PEPPERPOT #2: Begin – the – countdown. Also, – we – captured – Doctor – Who.
PEPPERPOT #1: Delay – his – execution. The – neutron – bomb – will – take – care – of – that.
PEPPERPOT #2: And – if – that – doesn’t – work – now, – we’ll – get – two – chances – a – year – for – the – next – four – years!
CHILDREN ACROSS BRITAIN hide behind the SOFA. The OTHERS arrive and rescue DOCTOR WHO. The PEPPERPOTS are destroyed thanks to PLOT.
DOCTOR WHO: Good-bye! Good luck rebuilding your entire civilization!
He sets the CONTROLS for EARTH, but an EXPLOSION happens. Offscreen, the PRODUCERS resurrect the PEPPERPOTS because they are POPULAR.
Episodes 12-13
Inside the SHIP, the CREW recovers from the EXPLOSION.
DOCTOR WHO: Check the fornicator!*
SUSAN: I think you mean “fault locator.”
NO-ONE behaves rationally.
IAN: Everything is Doctor Who’s fault!
DOCTOR WHO: I’m going to throw you off my ship!
SUSAN stabs a BED with SCISSORS. DOCTOR WHO drugs EVERYONE with TEA. Later, an ALARM goes off, prompting the DOCTOR to MONOLOGUE about how STARS are formed. Amazingly, he delivers his SPEECH word-perfect.
SUSAN: Hey, this switch is stuck.
The FAST RETURN SWITCH (clearly labeled as such by a felt-tip marker) is JAMMED, sending the SHIP further and further back in TIME.
BARBARA: The ship’s alive! Every crazy thing that’s happened to us since we left the pepperpot planet is really the ship telling us that there’s a problem.
DOCTOR WHO: You know I really believe I have underestimated that young lady in the past, Chartow.*
IAN: That is not my name.
DOCTOR WHO: Anyway, we’re all friends now. Let’s go adventuring!
EVERYONE IN BRITAIN: Boooooooooooo! We want more pepperpots!
FIN.
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