Post-Craig Review: Dr. No

 Back to the very beginning.

This is a lie. "The beginning" would surely be a review of Ian Fleming's 1953 novel Casino Royale. But we can skip that. The books have, for all but the most obsessed of us who pegged the ending of No Time To Die the moment the rumor mill told us the working title was Shatterhand (hi), faded into obscurity. (Besides, it's far too much effort for me to hold the novel open while I type this, as opposed to just having a movie running in a different window.) So too can we skip the "Card Sense Jimmy Bond" 1954 American telemovie Casino Royale, the long strange path that the rights to the Fleming novels took to land in the hands of Mr. Broccoli and Mr. Saltzman, and how director Terence Young and writer Richard Maibaum (who had both worked on a 1958 World War II film called, uh, No Time To Die [oh, and take a gander at that cast list]) were brought in to hurl James Bond onto our screens one October evening in 1962.

House of the Dragon 9

 Being the spoiler-tastic review of this episode, but not spoiling anything beyond it.

Fire and Blood 8

 The book-spoiler post. Gonna once again spoil a major, major death (the one that Thrones already spoiled, as I mentioned in an earlier post), as well as another one.

House of the Dragon 8

I didn't think it was possible, but we finally saw a more badass ascent to the Iron Throne than the one Tywin gave to Joffrey way back when Thrones was good.

Being, as usual, the post that discusses everything up through the end of the episode, but leaving book spoilers for the companion post.

House of the Dragon 7

 The excessive profanity and capitalized red text throughout this blog post is an intentional creative decision. 

LIGHT YOUR FUCKING SETS, MIGUEL! LIGHT YOUR FUCKING SETS! WE'RE NOT WATCHING AN AUDIO PLAY, MIGUEL! THIS ISN'T A FUCKING PODCAST! HBO PAID RIDICULOUS SUMS OF MONEY FOR THOSE SETS AND COSTUMES AND ACTORS (AND EVEN MORE MONEY FOR THOSE ACTORS TO TAKE THOSE COSTUMES OFF) BUT APPARENTLY MISTER FUCKING ARTISTIC VISION, MISTER FUCKING CAN'T-SHOOT-AN-ACTION-SCENE-TO-SAVE-HIS-LIFE (MAYBE THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS SO FUCKING DARK) THINKS HE'S PUTTING ON A FUCKING AUDIOBOOK! WHY MUST YOU FAIL A DIRECTOR'S MOST BASIC JOB? GOD! DAMN! 

AND ANOTHER THING, MIGUEL! I'VE SEEN AMATEUR HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA CLUB FILMS WITH MORE COMPETENT DAY-FOR-NIGHT FILTERS THAN YOU HAVE IN YOUR MULTIGAZILLION-DOLLAR DRAGON/TITTY SEQUEL! EVEN THE 70s BOND FILMS DO IT BETTER, FUCK! YOU'VE GOT THE MONEY, YOU'VE GOT THE LOCATIONS! MIGUEL! FUCKING SHOOT YOUR NIGHT SCENES AT FUCKING NIGHT! JESUS CHRIST, I DON'T KNOW IF THE "OUR MAINS FRAK ON A BEACH" SCENE IN BATTLESTAR GALACTICA WAS DONE IN DAY-FOR-NIGHT, IT SURE DOESN'T FRAKKING LOOK LIKE IT, BUT THAT WAS SIXTEEN FRAKKING YEARS AGO ON A FRACTION OF YOUR BUDGET!

FUCK! 

(Ahem)

This is the review of Episode 7 of HBO's (apparent) radio drama House of the Dragon (A Project GRRM is Working on Instead of Winds of Winter): A Prequel to Game of Thrones (A Project GRRM Worked on Instead of Winds of Winter) Based on Fire and Blood (A Project GRMM Worked on Instead of Winds of Winter). 

It's this fundamental lack of respect for the audience, manifested both in George's GODDAMN REFUSAL TO FINISH THE GODDAMN BOOKS and in Miguel's GODDAMN REFUSAL TO LIGHT HIS GODDAMN SHOW CORRECTLY, that has finally reached the breaking point for me. It's been FOUR THOUSAND AND NINETY-TWO DAYS between the release of A Diversion With Doldrums A Dance With Dragons and the initial broadcast of HotD Episode 7. Memo to George: you, like King Joeserys, are not getting any younger. FINISH. THE FUCKING. BOOKS. It's been ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY-THREE DAYS between the initial broadcast of "The Long Night," Miguel's previous can't-do-the-director's-most-basic-job-and-show-us-what's-fucking-happening episode, and the broadcast of last week's episode "Driftmark." Memo to Miguel: This is not your goddamn college arthouse project. This is a prequel to a dragon/titty remix of The Wars of the Roses. TAKE A FUCKING LIGHTING CLASS.

Okay.

I've said my piece. For now. On to the review, such as it is.

In this episode, the smirking jerkwad second son character whose name is an anagram of "A Demon" claims a dragon to ride. And his nephew loses an eye, ba-dum tish. It spoils the episode but does not go into future book spoilers. The future book spoiler post is over here.

Fire and Blood 7

 Being the future book-spoiler post. If you don't want future spoilers (or want the rest of the review), go here.

Fire and Blood 6

 Being the spoilertastic review of House of the Dragon episode six. The review that only discusses events up to that episode is here. But in this post, I'm going to start off by immediately talking about the next major death that will occur in the series, probably in Episode 7. So go away if you don't want those sorts of spoilers.

House of the Dragon 6

 Being the up-through-the-end-of-this-episode spoiler. Future spoilers are, as always, in the companion post. Except in one notable instance where the show spoiled it for you (it's that thing Princess Bug-Collector said).

House of the Dragon, 4 and 5

 Wow.

As always, this post will spoil the episodes themselves; the companion post will contain book spoilers (i.e., spoilers for future episodes). (Yes, I know the "HotD Spoiler-Free" tag technically contains spoilers, but only up to the most recent episode. I specifically want to avoid future spoilers with that tag.) I'll also discuss the book up to this point, which I think is fair game.

Oh, I will be mentioning the upcoming significant... alteration to the cast, but unless you've been living under a rock you know it's coming. (The other significant exception to the "no future spoilers" rule is that I'm allowed to tell you that everyone dies, because this is a prequel. I'm just not allowed to tell you how they die, even though in one case the parent show already did...) 

Fire and Blood, 4 and 5

 Being the future-spoiler review of the two most recent episodes of House of the Dragon. The companion post will only spoil those two episodes; this one will spoil far more. (Not that any of this matters, because, again, Game of Thrones itself spoiled the ending, lol.)

So, again, major - MAJOR - spoilers for upcoming episodes in 3... 2... last chance... 1...

House of the Dragon, Episode 3

 Just like last time, this post will spoil this episode. A companion post will spoil subsequent episodes.