House of the Dragon 9

 Being the spoiler-tastic review of this episode, but not spoiling anything beyond it.

Um, biggest misstep of the season.

Sorry. So, before I get into that, I thought I'd take a moment to congratulate them on the one thing they got right: finally, for the first time since, what, Thrones Season 2, we have a competently-directed fight scene. No, I can't believe it either! In fact, I completely missed it the first time, I was so engaged in watching the episode, I wasn't even thinking "oh, this is Thrones, they're going to fuck up the fight scene." So well done there.

Now onto the bitch-fest.

In a nutshell, there are three big problems.

First, and most out of their control, is how fake the entire final act looked. I know you guys didn't actually build the Dragonpit set, I know it was out of your budget, blah blah blah holy shit it looked like a PS3 video game. And Rhaenys on Melys looked like something out of a low-budget mid-2000s Lord of the Rings knockoff. Just, ugh, no. Blech.

Second, and most in the writers' control: I'm sorry, Rhaenys should have flambe-ed them all right then and there. Now the rest of the series can happen, okay, yes, but it'll be all her fault. 

Third, and somewhere in between: FOR FUCK'S SAKE MAKE ONE OF THE TWINS SHAVE HIS FUCKING BEARD JESUS FUCK! 

Fortunately all was not lost, even among this mostly-misfire of an episode. Otto and Alicent Hightower gave wonderful performances as usual, and of course there was also my new favorite, One-Eyed Daemon, burning inside with violent anger, Prince Aemond Targaryen. God damn I could watch an entire show that's him just lurking in the background and leer-grinning at the camera (it's gotten to the point where I'm literally singing "Sephiroth!" in my head every time the fucker does it). Bless.

And yeah, like I said, ship Aegon off and make this psychopath the king. I'd dig it. 

And yeah, like I said, stay in King's Landing for the entire episode. I can't believe I called that one.

Finally, I'm not saying I miss the gratuitous sex scenes of Thrones, but this is the second episode in the last four where I've had to watch a guy jerk off. Really?

Okay, character breaks

Slay Queen-Who-Never-Was

This. Was. Stupid. This isn't in the book. They chose to do this. It's a dumb Slay Queen Yas Girl Powrrr thing, and it's the ninth episode and they always had big wham ninth episodes on Game Of Thrones, that show that ends with Westeros electing Bran and Drogon burning the Iron Throne but ignoring the guy who killed his mother. 

Stop trying to emulate Game of Thrones, we hate how that show ended. Change the title music (or bring back the map, really).

Ah well. It's Game of Thrones. Smallfolk are just redshirts for Slay Queens to stomp over as they look badass.

Oh, and... those doors are not wide enough for the dragon to get through. And the debris from the floor should have squashed her as the dragon broke through. What the fuck.

Lord Commander Why-Aren't-You-Dead-Yet?

Seriously Harry, why aren't you dead? I assumed that Cole was going to kill him when he told Cole to remove his cloak. But no. 

I speculated earlier that the reason why Harry Westerling hadn't been killed was that he was going to take over Steffon Darklyn's role, stealing Viserys's crown and giving it to Rhaenyra, but Darklyn's in the show (according to the subtitles).

There's the big setup about them killing the Bald Lord (can't be bothered to remember his name) Who Tries To Leave The Castle, but they just let the (former?) Lord Commander wander off near the beginning of the episode. (Not even the dumbest move the Greens make, by the way; surely at least one of Rhaenys's granddaughters is still in King's Landing? Or did they both go back with Rhaenyra?)

Ser Murder-Laws-Are-For-Pussies

Once again, Cole has killed someone with zero repercussions, fuck off.

Rasputin

Has been plotting to kill Rhaenyra and crown Aegon this whole time. Bad Hand!

Worst Mum Ever

Gets into a "who can get to Aegon first" contest with her dad, for reasons (it's because Otto wants to convince/coerce Aegon into having Rhaenyra murdered, and Worst Mum Ever does not). And is letting Larys Strong jerk off to her feet, which... like, "dude, I know for a fact that you murdered your father and brother. Tell me what you know or I tell the Hand." Jesus.

Second: you were told, back in Episode 5, which was some 15 years ago, to prepare Aegon to rule. Did you do this?

No?

Worst. Mum. Ever.

One-Eyed Daemon

Points out that he's so much a better king than Aegon. We know, Sephiroth, we know. However, and the show hasn't done a good job explaining this (the constant refrain of the book-readers), Aegon has at least one son; ergo, Daemond is not, in fact, next in line to the throne.

King Joffrey the Zeroth Jerkoff

No further comment necessary, except that his idea of being a good older brother was to buy Aemond a whore for his birthday. Honestly would like to see more interaction between the two brothers.

Actually, one other comment. The guy is four corpses away from the throne; three are illegitimate and the fourth is an adulteress, which is probably capital treason when you're a princess. Under normal circumstances, this dude would be itching for power. But he knows he's in no way suited for the role and does his best to run away from it until people are cheering for him at his coronation. He's a rapist and an all-around bad person (I blame the Worst Mum Ever) and yet he can engender some sympathy... look, do you want your morally gray hellscape world or not? Because if the answer's "no," Rings of Power is over on Amazon. (Don't watch it. It's shit.)

The White Worm

Am I supposed to bitch and moan about her accent? Honestly I don't care. I just don't.

Should I rank all the episodes so far? I guess I could try.

1. Episode 8. Aside from the Arryk/Erryk incompetence, this ranks as one of the best hours of Westeros ever.
2. Episode 5. Almost-great mid-season finale.
3. Episode 4. Like Matt Smith's showpiece was going to be below the top 3.
4. Episode 6. Does a fine job introducing the new cast.
5. Episode 1 (great start)
6. Episode 2 (questionable decisions by both Otto and Viserys)
7. Episode 7 (light your fucking sets)
8. Episode 3 (why did this episode exist/fucking Daemon plot armor/oh Laenor has a dragon? News to me!)
9. Episode 9 (fumble on the one-yard line)