Babylon 5 4x06 "Into the Fire"

 The One Where The Show Ends With 38 Episodes Left On The Clock

Crash Defect, Part Two: Our Last, Best Hope for RPGs

So Joker says that we get to see "that taxpayer money at work" as the Normandy approaches the Citadel. I assume that he's... joking... because we'll learn that the Keepers maintain the Citadel for us.

Also, the Codex entry for the Citadel states that gravity is achieved through rotation. Wait, this is Mass Effect and we have Element Zero, which does anything we need it to, particularly relating to controlling, um, mass, and thereby gravity. Furthermore we will learn that the Reapers want civilizations to rely on the technology tree they left for them - the Reapers want you to be dependent on Mass Effect technology because they built it and they know how to defeat it. And the Citadel is a key, key part in the entire Reaper plan. So why in the fuck does the Citadel not use Mass Effect technology to simulate gravity? Because a cylindrical space station housing the galaxy's ambassadors isn't enough of a Babylon 5 reference, I guess, they have to go whole hog and make it spin too.

They borrowed so much but couldn't borrow a good ending.

Midway (2019) review

 I wanted to like this film. Actually I wanted to tell you that this is the best WWII movie since Tora! Tora! Tora! (quickly checks Wikipedia to make sure the other obvious contender, Patton, came out before TTT - it did).

But...

Eh, it was all right. 

Let's start with what it is: a competently-made and competently-acted film about the roughly six months between Pearl Harbor and the Battle of Midway. Even though the title is Midway, we don't get to the titular battle until about halfway through, and then it feels like the actual battle parts are over awfully quickly.

I thought that perhaps the film was required to a) come in under a certain runtime (roughly two hours; short for a Classic Seventies War Epic Done With Modern CGI that it clearly was aiming to be) and b) have the Doolittle subplot to put a scene in China and get Chinese funding. These two requirements, taken in tandem, hamstrung the film. Every second we spend on Doolittle (an impeccable Aaron Eckhardt) is a second we're not spending on the poorly-articulated main characters.

A common criticism of Tora! Tora! Tora! is that every character is a one-note caricature because the film has so many characters that it just can't give any of them depth despite its nearly two-and-a-half-hour runtime. But it did a significantly better job of it than Midway, which is only six minutes shorter (this shocked me, hence the crossed-out line in the previous paragraph) and spends far less time on the Japanese side (again, Midway is a Chinese co-production, rather than a Japanese one). Midway feels shorter than it is, because... because there's not much there. In trying to do too much, they have only succeeded in doing too little.

Part of the problem is due to the difference in characterization this time around. Tora! Tora! Tora! gave us the Japanese perspective primarily through the eyes of Isoroku Yamamoto ("cautious") and Mitsuo Fuchida ("eager"). Midway's main Japanese character, to the extent that it has one, is Rear Admiral Tamon Yamaguchi ("hero-worships Yamamoto and thinks Vice Admiral Nagumo is a fuckup"). Notice the one-note character beats in the parentheses there. One of these things is significantly harder to act than the others, especially since Yamaguchi spends the majority of his screentime on the bridge of the Hiryu, where neither of those other admirals step foot. And I'm not saying Yamaguchi's actor is bad, he's just... not given enough to do. Over on the American side, we got OG Daario from Game of Thrones (Ed Skrein, who does a fine job aside from a questionable accent that makes him sound like every high school bully ever; stop hiring foreigners to play Americans) and a bunch of interchangeable dark-haired white boys. The shallow characterization from Tora! Tora! Tora! is now sub-anemic.

The other major problem is that the film doesn't cover one event. We start with a Pearl Harbor sequence that corrects my presumption about how long it took the USS Arizona to sink (this film's historical accuracy deserves plenty of praise), then we have a raid on the Marshall Islands, then we have the Doolittle Raid and the aftermath, and then we get to Midway. And yes it's true that Tora! Tora! Tora! didn't get to December 7th until just before its intermission (remember those?), but the lack of action sequences up until that point made the film feel less crowded and allowed us to spend more time with the characters.

Perhaps the most jarring example of the compromises this film was obviously forced to make regarding its runtime occurs at the end of the Marshall Islands sequence. Best (Skrein)'s Dauntless is flying through the clouds, having just shot down one Zero. It's attacked from the side by another Zero, which flies past. Best then says something to the effect of "let's go home" to his gunner, and the scene ends. And then he's back on the Enterprise. What??!?

What I did like: as I said, it's competently-acted, and my bitching about Skrein's accent aside, there are no problems with the cast. (Mark Rolston shows up as CNO Ernest J. King - guy never hit the big time, but he's outstanding in anything he's in.) The level of historical accuracy is amazing, especially considering it's from the same guy who did The Patriot. (Akagi and Hiryu have their island towers on the port side!* If you know anything about WWII battleships, you'll recognize the Yamato the instant it appears on screen! Bruno Gaido really did shoot down an enemy suicide bomber** from the back seat of a parked Dauntless! An American really did try to suicide-bomb the Akagi at Midway! and so on.)

*Tora! Tora! Tora! couldn't do this because it used the Yorktown (CV-10; its predecessor, CV-05, was sunk immediately after, uh, Midway) as a stand-in for the Akagi, and Yorktown, like all aircraft carriers not named Akagi and Hiryu, has its tower on the starboard side.

**not a kamikaze. A kamikaze knows he's not coming back when he takes off. Both the incidents that I call "suicide bombing" are attempts by pilots of a badly-damaged plane to crash into something.

The CGI is crap, and that's sad, but that and the accents and the weird pacing are distractions. I give it a solid B.

And you know you're going to fall: The Matrix Resurrections trailer is here

 Sitting atop the carnage and chaos of a creatively-bankrupt world, the great god of the machines sticks humans in pods and treats them to a fictional reality while sucking the life out of them.

But enough about Hollywood.

(For maximum effect, please read the following paragraph in the voice and manner of the Architect.)

The aggregate quality of the Matrix sequels coupled with that of the post-Matrix Wachowski ouvre cannot in any way suggest that this is going to be any good whatsoever. Nevertheless this project has been incepted, likely due to the fact that an unsought sequel is the only way the Wachowskis could get their hands on camera equipment again. 

Fortuitously, there is no indication that The Matrix Resurrections will pull a Weekend at Yoda's-style Subversion Of Expectations by appropriating all of the protagonist's power and agency and transferring it to a female plank. While it is true that there is a younger Person Of Color who could be being set up as Neo 2, the trailer, at least, appears to be telling us that Neo will in fact continue to be the main protagonist. Which is simply not the case with any of the Weekend at Yoda's trailers.

(Update: apparently that's Morpheus, because they couldn't get Laurence Fishburne back.)

On the minus side, there was a terrible lack of Hugo Weaving in the trailer, and that's just sad.

On the funny side, Zack Snyder used "White Rabbit" in a Matrix-esque first. Ha ha.

Crash Defect: One Man's Desperate Quest to Correct the Galaxy, Part Uno

 Our Hero, exhibit A in the case that God occasionally makes mistakes, stares his ugly mug out a window while three old farts talk about him. Amazingly this description gets even worse on the rare occasion you play as FemShep. In this playthrough, Our Hero is a former "street urchin" (translation: god-emperor of the local street gang) who enlisted when he got bored and decided to bitchslap some four-eyed alien bastards. Exposed to Element Zero in utero, Siegfried Shepard likes shotguns, women, and flinging poor schmucks off of cliffs with his mind. The old farts decide he'll do. For what? Yeah we'll get to that.

The Suicide Squad trailer is out

 Eh, I wasn't really thrilled to see James Gunn James Gunning up the works, but by and large my reaction is "you had me until Pete Davidson." Can't stand the guy. Over and out.

Still more incorrect Warhammer quotes

 Russ: HELP! I TOLD KHAN I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK!

Corax, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Horus: While I’m gone, Mortarion, you’re in charge.
Mortarion: Yes!!!
Horus, whispering: Typhus, you’re secretly in charge.
Typhus: Obviously.

Curze: I prevented a murder today.
Lorgar: Really? How’d you do that?
Curze: self control.

Magnus: Can you keep a secret?
Tzeentch: Do you know anything about my life?
Magnus: No I do not. Good point.

E-Money: Tonight, one of you will betray us.
Lion: Is it me, E-Money?
E-Money: No, it’s not you.
Russ: Is it me, E-Money?
E-Money: It’s not you either.
Lorgar: Is it me, E-Money?
E-Money:
E-Money, mockingly: Is IT mE E-Money?

Russ: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.
Corax: Russ no.
Khan: Mistlefoe.
Corax: Please stop encouraging him.

Mortarion: Dammit, Nurgle!
Nurgle: What?! It wasn’t me!
Mortarion: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Typhus!
Typhus: Not me either.
Mortarion: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
Horus: *whistles*

Magnus: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?
Ahriman: Rude.
Angron: That’s fair.
Horus: Not again.
Fulgrim: Are you going to want this back?

Curze: You're right.
Lorgar: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

Emprah, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!
Horus: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

Guilliman: What time is it?
Dante: I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out
Dante: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*
Seth: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING
Dante: It’s 2 am

Curze: i went through an entire character arc during quarantine
Curze: i became more evil if you’re curious
Horus: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still!
Curze: i’m going to get worse on purpose.

Angron: Sanguinius! My face is on fire!
Sanguinius: Angron! Are you ok?!
Angron: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.
Sanguinius: But your face is on fire.
Angron: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

Abaddon: Hey Fulgrim,
Fulgrim: Yes?
Abaddon: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
Fulgrim:
Fulgrim: Where’s Lucius?

Dante: Sanguinor and I don’t use pet names.
Seth: I see. Hey, what do bees make?
Dante: Honey?
Sanguinor: Yes, dear?
Dante:
Seth: Don't ever lie to my face again.

Fulgrim: So are we flirting right now?
Guilliman: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU
Fulgrim: That doesn’t answer my question

Russ: We need to get through this locked door. Guilliman, give me your credit card.
Guilliman: Here.
Russ, pocketing it: Thanks. Angron, kick down the door.

Kantor: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on.
Seth: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m mean and Helbrecht isn’t

Magnus: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Angron will and will not eat.
Ahriman: Grass? Yes!
Magnus: Moss? Yes!!
Ahriman: Leaves? Ohh, yes!
Magnus: Shoelaces? Strange but true!
Ahriman: Worms? Sometimes!
Magnus: Rocks? Usually nah.
Ahriman: Twigs? Usually!
Magnus: Fulgrim's cooking? Inconclusive!
Horus: How did you… test this?
Magnus: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it.
Horus: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.
Fulgrim: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Moar incorrect Warhammer quotes

Fulgrim: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me.
Perturabo: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Fulgrim: Yes!
Angron: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Magnus: I learned some very valuable lessons from this.
Russ: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should’ve taken away.
Magnus: Death isn’t real, and I’m basically God.

Fulgrim: Why are you on the floor?
Perturabo: I'm depressed.
Perturabo: Also I was stabbed, can you get Angron, please.

Horus: You have to apologize to Perturabo
Angron: Fine.
Angron: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

Corax: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Dorn does? I mean, what if he jumped off a cliff?
Russ: If Dorn were to jump off a cliff, he would’ve done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Dorn jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Corax: You jump off a cliff!
Russ: Gladly. Provided Dorn did first.

Horus: Perturabo, keep an eye on Angron today. He's going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.
Perturabo: Sure, I’d love to see Angron get punched.
Horus: Try again.
Perturabo, sighing: I will stop Angron from getting punched.

*Horus and Perturabo skipping stones on lake*
Horus: It’s such a beautiful evening.
Perturabo, whispering: Take that you fucking lake

(Perturabo is low-key hilarious in this, if you haven't noticed)

The Emprah: Magnus...
Magnus: Oh no, 'Magnus' in b-flat.
Magnus: You're disappointed.

Abaddon: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Typhus?
Typhus: … No.
Mortarion: I do!
Abaddon: I know, Mortarion.
Mortarion: I’m sad!
Abaddon: I know, Mortarion.

Malcador: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?
Dorn: *turning to Perturabo* How tall are you?

Sigismund: I can’t believe you live nearby, and you won’t let anyone crash at your place.
Alpharius: You people already know too much about me.
Dorn: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

Malcador: Isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other people?
Magnus: Plane tickets?
Angron: Concert tickets?
Emps: Prostitution?
Malcador, holding his broken frames: Glasses.

Russ: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you
Guiliman: 10 times 0 is still 0 though
Russ: Jokes on you, I can't do math

Angron: Change is inedible.
Perturabo: Don't you mean inevitable?
Angron, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

Guilliman: I’m going to take you out
Fulgrim: great, it’s a date!
Guilliman: I meant that as a threat.
Fulgrim: See you at five!

Kharn: You kill people for money?!
Sigismund: I can explain!
Kharn: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!

Calgar: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Guilliman: Calgar, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

Vulkan: Today is a day of running through hurdles.
Corax: Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?
Vulkan: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

Russ: What is your biggest weakness?
Lion: I can be uncooperative.
Russ: Okay, can you give me an example?
Lion: No.

Ferrus: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited
Vulkan: If?
Russ: Great, the only party I’ve ever been invited to and he might not even die.

Ferrus: Tell Sanguinius about the birds and the bees.
Dorn: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

And finally, how the Heresy really got started:

Horus: Abaddon... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Abaddon: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.
Horus:
Horus: I wrote sanitize, Abaddon.

Incorrect Warhammer Quotes

 Courtesy of: https://incorrect-quotes-generator.neocities.org/

Fulgrim: How did none of you hear what I just said?
Mortarion: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Angron: I got distracted about halfway through.
Magnus: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Big-E, Malcador, and Dorn are sitting on a bench
Magnus: Why do you guys look so sad?
Big-E: Sit down with us so we can tell you.
*Magnus sits down*
Malcador: The bench is freshly painted.

Sanguinius: If Guilliman and I were drowning, who would you save?
Leman Russ: You two can’t swim?
Guilliman: It’s a hypothetical question, Leman Russ! who would you save?
Leman Russ: my time and effort.

Lion: Anyone d-
Guilliman: Depressed?
Fulgrim: Drained?
Angron: Dumb?
Lorgar: Disliked?
Lion: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people ...

Kharn: I'm a reverse necromancer.
Angron: Isn't that just killing people?
Kharn: Ah, technicality.

Slaanesh: Can I be frank with you guys?
Nurgle: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.
Khorne: Can I still be Khorne?
Tzeentch: Shh, let Frank speak.

Perturabo: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Lorgar: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Mortarion: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Lorgar, learn to listen.
Curze: What if it bites itself and I die?
Fulgrim: That’s voodoo.
Horus: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Lorgar: That’s correlation, not causation.
Curze: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Fulgrim: That’s kinky.
Perturabo: Oh my God.

Vulkan: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?
Mortarion: Have everyone stand.
Magnus: Bring three more chairs!
Fulgrim: The most important ones can sit down.
Angron: Kill three.

 Wow this is an abbreviated list of the "essential" DS9 episodes. 

A yammerjammer about Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines

Vampire: The Masquerade is a role-playing game wherein you are a vampire (surprise) and must maintain the masquerade (surprise) so that all the idiot bloodbags don't get wise to your existence.

They turned it into a video game circa Half-Life 2, which is set in four small slivers of Los Angeles, and is getting a sequel.

Said sequel is delayed, presumably because they realized that setting it in Seattle means that they're going to have to come up with some explanation for why the Ventrue can drink blood with so much soy in it.

Meanwhile, here is my review of the original game.