Crash Defect: One Man's Desperate Quest to Correct the Galaxy, Part Uno

 Our Hero, exhibit A in the case that God occasionally makes mistakes, stares his ugly mug out a window while three old farts talk about him. Amazingly this description gets even worse on the rare occasion you play as FemShep. In this playthrough, Our Hero is a former "street urchin" (translation: god-emperor of the local street gang) who enlisted when he got bored and decided to bitchslap some four-eyed alien bastards. Exposed to Element Zero in utero, Siegfried Shepard likes shotguns, women, and flinging poor schmucks off of cliffs with his mind. The old farts decide he'll do. For what? Yeah we'll get to that.

The Suicide Squad trailer is out

 Eh, I wasn't really thrilled to see James Gunn James Gunning up the works, but by and large my reaction is "you had me until Pete Davidson." Can't stand the guy. Over and out.

Still more incorrect Warhammer quotes

 Russ: HELP! I TOLD KHAN I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK!

Corax, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Horus: While I’m gone, Mortarion, you’re in charge.
Mortarion: Yes!!!
Horus, whispering: Typhus, you’re secretly in charge.
Typhus: Obviously.

Curze: I prevented a murder today.
Lorgar: Really? How’d you do that?
Curze: self control.

Magnus: Can you keep a secret?
Tzeentch: Do you know anything about my life?
Magnus: No I do not. Good point.

E-Money: Tonight, one of you will betray us.
Lion: Is it me, E-Money?
E-Money: No, it’s not you.
Russ: Is it me, E-Money?
E-Money: It’s not you either.
Lorgar: Is it me, E-Money?
E-Money:
E-Money, mockingly: Is IT mE E-Money?

Russ: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.
Corax: Russ no.
Khan: Mistlefoe.
Corax: Please stop encouraging him.

Mortarion: Dammit, Nurgle!
Nurgle: What?! It wasn’t me!
Mortarion: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Typhus!
Typhus: Not me either.
Mortarion: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
Horus: *whistles*

Magnus: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?
Ahriman: Rude.
Angron: That’s fair.
Horus: Not again.
Fulgrim: Are you going to want this back?

Curze: You're right.
Lorgar: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

Emprah, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!
Horus: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

Guilliman: What time is it?
Dante: I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out
Dante: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*
Seth: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING
Dante: It’s 2 am

Curze: i went through an entire character arc during quarantine
Curze: i became more evil if you’re curious
Horus: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still!
Curze: i’m going to get worse on purpose.

Angron: Sanguinius! My face is on fire!
Sanguinius: Angron! Are you ok?!
Angron: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.
Sanguinius: But your face is on fire.
Angron: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

Abaddon: Hey Fulgrim,
Fulgrim: Yes?
Abaddon: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
Fulgrim:
Fulgrim: Where’s Lucius?

Dante: Sanguinor and I don’t use pet names.
Seth: I see. Hey, what do bees make?
Dante: Honey?
Sanguinor: Yes, dear?
Dante:
Seth: Don't ever lie to my face again.

Fulgrim: So are we flirting right now?
Guilliman: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU
Fulgrim: That doesn’t answer my question

Russ: We need to get through this locked door. Guilliman, give me your credit card.
Guilliman: Here.
Russ, pocketing it: Thanks. Angron, kick down the door.

Kantor: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on.
Seth: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m mean and Helbrecht isn’t

Magnus: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Angron will and will not eat.
Ahriman: Grass? Yes!
Magnus: Moss? Yes!!
Ahriman: Leaves? Ohh, yes!
Magnus: Shoelaces? Strange but true!
Ahriman: Worms? Sometimes!
Magnus: Rocks? Usually nah.
Ahriman: Twigs? Usually!
Magnus: Fulgrim's cooking? Inconclusive!
Horus: How did you… test this?
Magnus: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it.
Horus: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.
Fulgrim: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Moar incorrect Warhammer quotes

Fulgrim: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me.
Perturabo: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Fulgrim: Yes!
Angron: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Magnus: I learned some very valuable lessons from this.
Russ: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should’ve taken away.
Magnus: Death isn’t real, and I’m basically God.

Fulgrim: Why are you on the floor?
Perturabo: I'm depressed.
Perturabo: Also I was stabbed, can you get Angron, please.

Horus: You have to apologize to Perturabo
Angron: Fine.
Angron: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

Corax: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Dorn does? I mean, what if he jumped off a cliff?
Russ: If Dorn were to jump off a cliff, he would’ve done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Dorn jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Corax: You jump off a cliff!
Russ: Gladly. Provided Dorn did first.

Horus: Perturabo, keep an eye on Angron today. He's going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.
Perturabo: Sure, I’d love to see Angron get punched.
Horus: Try again.
Perturabo, sighing: I will stop Angron from getting punched.

*Horus and Perturabo skipping stones on lake*
Horus: It’s such a beautiful evening.
Perturabo, whispering: Take that you fucking lake

(Perturabo is low-key hilarious in this, if you haven't noticed)

The Emprah: Magnus...
Magnus: Oh no, 'Magnus' in b-flat.
Magnus: You're disappointed.

Abaddon: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Typhus?
Typhus: … No.
Mortarion: I do!
Abaddon: I know, Mortarion.
Mortarion: I’m sad!
Abaddon: I know, Mortarion.

Malcador: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?
Dorn: *turning to Perturabo* How tall are you?

Sigismund: I can’t believe you live nearby, and you won’t let anyone crash at your place.
Alpharius: You people already know too much about me.
Dorn: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

Malcador: Isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other people?
Magnus: Plane tickets?
Angron: Concert tickets?
Emps: Prostitution?
Malcador, holding his broken frames: Glasses.

Russ: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you
Guiliman: 10 times 0 is still 0 though
Russ: Jokes on you, I can't do math

Angron: Change is inedible.
Perturabo: Don't you mean inevitable?
Angron, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

Guilliman: I’m going to take you out
Fulgrim: great, it’s a date!
Guilliman: I meant that as a threat.
Fulgrim: See you at five!

Kharn: You kill people for money?!
Sigismund: I can explain!
Kharn: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!

Calgar: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Guilliman: Calgar, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

Vulkan: Today is a day of running through hurdles.
Corax: Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?
Vulkan: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

Russ: What is your biggest weakness?
Lion: I can be uncooperative.
Russ: Okay, can you give me an example?
Lion: No.

Ferrus: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited
Vulkan: If?
Russ: Great, the only party I’ve ever been invited to and he might not even die.

Ferrus: Tell Sanguinius about the birds and the bees.
Dorn: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

And finally, how the Heresy really got started:

Horus: Abaddon... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Abaddon: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.
Horus:
Horus: I wrote sanitize, Abaddon.

Incorrect Warhammer Quotes

 Courtesy of: https://incorrect-quotes-generator.neocities.org/

Fulgrim: How did none of you hear what I just said?
Mortarion: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Angron: I got distracted about halfway through.
Magnus: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Big-E, Malcador, and Dorn are sitting on a bench
Magnus: Why do you guys look so sad?
Big-E: Sit down with us so we can tell you.
*Magnus sits down*
Malcador: The bench is freshly painted.

Sanguinius: If Guilliman and I were drowning, who would you save?
Leman Russ: You two can’t swim?
Guilliman: It’s a hypothetical question, Leman Russ! who would you save?
Leman Russ: my time and effort.

Lion: Anyone d-
Guilliman: Depressed?
Fulgrim: Drained?
Angron: Dumb?
Lorgar: Disliked?
Lion: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people ...

Kharn: I'm a reverse necromancer.
Angron: Isn't that just killing people?
Kharn: Ah, technicality.

Slaanesh: Can I be frank with you guys?
Nurgle: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.
Khorne: Can I still be Khorne?
Tzeentch: Shh, let Frank speak.

Perturabo: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Lorgar: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Mortarion: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Lorgar, learn to listen.
Curze: What if it bites itself and I die?
Fulgrim: That’s voodoo.
Horus: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Lorgar: That’s correlation, not causation.
Curze: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Fulgrim: That’s kinky.
Perturabo: Oh my God.

Vulkan: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?
Mortarion: Have everyone stand.
Magnus: Bring three more chairs!
Fulgrim: The most important ones can sit down.
Angron: Kill three.