The Case for Mars

My felow Earthicans, the time has come for a great undertaking that will define our generation and change the course of our lives for the better.

For too long, we have been at peace with a neighboring red planet that has done absolutely nothing for us other than hang there in the sky, like a big red bulls-eye without the rings (that's Saturn. It's still a tad too far away. Also, made of gas. And yellow).

With this in mind, here is a complete and total list of the reasons why we should invade Mars:

1) Mars has no regard for its environment. Whereas our atmosphere is still mostly breathable, the Martians have squandered their oxygen supply. They have proven that they are completely incapable of regulating their environment, and so, to protect the planet Mars, we must invade it.

2) They have money. And if there's one thing that's been really, really obvious here on Earth, it's that we need money. We need it for our college educations, our unemployment benefits, our plastic surgeries, our iWhatevers, our compliance costs, and our heating and water bills if we ever get around to paying them. Now, some people might argue that the Martians have a right to whatever money they've earned. Poppycock, I say! They've only earned that money by completely wrecking their environment (see point 1) and by exploiting their working class.

3) They're exploiting their working class. You can tell because there has never even been so much as a radio transmission from Mars. Even when we landed probes on the planet's now-inhospitable surface (again, see point 1), the poor, helpless workers were unable to get a signal to us. They are probably kept under lock and key 24/7 (or however long a Martian day/week is). We need to do something about that!

4) Just as they can't prove that they aren't exploiting their working class, so too are they completely unable to prove that they don't have massive oceans of oil under their surface. We should help ourselves to some of that. Just think of the jobs that we'll create for all the deep-space haulers who can bring that stuff back to Earth!

5) They almost certainly have weapons of mass destruction by now, and it's only a matter of time before some lunatic comes to power and decides to turn our planet into a parking lot. You might think that this is an argument against invading Mars, but it is not! You see, we have already landed probes on Mars (see point 3) without provoking a response. We have no idea how much time we have left before a new regime that disapproves of our probe-landing comes to power (in a coup). We must strike first before they do! Surely any reasonable citizen can see that.

6) They're godless athiests who need to see the light. I can categorically state that God is not worshipped anywhere on or under the surface of Mars. This is absolutely terrible, and surely the day cannot be far off when He will take issue with them. Look what happened to Venus! You think all that sulphuric acid just showed up one day by its lonesome?

7) Mars has been eyeing our moon for a while now, I just know it. Look at their two crappy little moons; do you think those puny lumps of rock can give the Martians a decent tide? I don't.

8) Earth is overcrowed. And one way or another, that won't be a problem after our war with Mars.

If you agreed with numbers 1, 2 or 3, please vote for the Communist candidate in the next election. If you agreed with numbers 4, 5 or 6, please vote for the Republican candidate in the next election. Finally, if you agreed with numbers 7 or 8, please never vote again. Thank you, and please remember that this is a satire.