It's storytime, children! When I first heard the title Rogue One, I assumed that Wedge Antilles would finally be getting his day in the limelight. Unfortunately an enormous rat came along and pooped all over my nice and fluffy dreams of seeing rip-roaring space action, replacing it with a bloated mess of a heist movie. And rat feces.
Our story tonight features cardboard in a headscarf, Inigo Montoya's less-sexy kid brother, two CGI monstrosities, and a quipping droid in a pear tree.
Our story begins when Loser goes to visit Mads Mikkelsen and his daughter,
A shuttle North by Northwests Young Jan Ors before landing on, um, hey guys, we've done desert planets, ice planets, forest planets, swamp planets, underwater planets, rock planets, and lava planets... um, black sand! That's new.
Loser is wearing a stupid-looking rain coat thing. It blows in the wind. I get that they have different creative teams, but I can't help but notice that Disney's two big movie franchises - Ster Wurs and Marvel's Underpants Brigade - both have sucky, sucky villains.
Loser talks to Mads, who says his wife died. Loser gives his condolences and then tells his men to search the house. They bark something electronic and unintelligible. Whence these black-clad robot men, these Combine soldiers? Clone troopseses wore white. Stormtroopers will wear white. These black-clad robot men are a retcon, causing a continuity error. Minus ten points, first down.
Jan Ors runs away and is found by Special Guest Star Forest Whitaker. The film then cuts to the titles and then to an adult woman in a prison cell. Apparently this is also Jan Ors, exty years later.
Next we go to the Ring of Caffeine, a trading post stuck on an asteroid, which is totally an original concept. Here we pass through a back alley from Blade Runner and meet Kyle Katarn, who now speaks with a sexy Latin accent, because it's Current Year. Hey, did you notice how there were barely any non-white Rebels in A New Hope, which is set immediately after this movie? I guess the Rebellion used all their POC as cannon fodder. Heroes!
Anyway, Kyle gets some information about a pilot from a contact and then shoots him dead. Hey, who am I supposed to root for in this movie, exactly? Like, Kyle could have met this contact anywhere, he didn't have to meet him at the end of a one-way alley. In fact, the contact specifically says he needs to get back to his ship. But no, we need to see that this is a morally grey character, because reasons. The payoff for this will come about halfway through the film when Kyle decides not to shoot Jan's father, for reasons. Anyway, this information is something something pilot, something something "Saul," something something Galen. This is exposition worse than the original Guardians of the Galaxy, which was awful.
Also, we have real stormtroopers in the film now. So what were the Combine troopers from earlier?
Then we're off to the planet Cheddar. It is Tatooine with big, toppled statues. I'm going to call it Petra. A pilot named Bogey Took has been captured or surrendered or something and he saw Guevara. I don't know why it matters that he saw Guevara, but he keeps saying it. A dude with an oxygen mask clamped on to his skull barks at him in gibberish.
Off to Chobani. Jan Ors is in a prison transport. A stormtrooper is taking a dump. The door is blown open exactly like the door at the beginning of A New Hope, because nostalgia. Jan Ors tries to make a break for it but is stopped by I, Robot. She is then taken to the top-secret rebel base. Her father is caught up in nasty Imperial business and I guess it never occurred to General Barristan Selmy or Mom Mothman that Jan Ors might be in league with her father/the Empire and have some sort of tracker (RIAN) on her. Also, Kyle mentions that he, too, saw Guevera and they want to meet up with him. Apparently Jan can somehow facilitate this. Even though they're all rebels, they need someone to help the Yavin sect meet Guevara's sect because Guevara is an "extremist." Well, they got that right.
Now, the rebels know the pilot was sent by Jan's father with information about a weapon that can destroy planets. Remember this for later. Also Jimmy Smits shows up! In exchange for Jan's help, the rebel leader says she'll make sure Jan goes free. What? They're rebels. They have no authority. Jan Ors is wanted by the Empire.
Some guy tells Kyle to kill Jan's father because he is "vital to the Empire's weapons program." I want you to remember that too.
Jan Ors is formally introduced to I, Robot, who "says whatever comes into his circuits" because he was reprogrammed. Because a sarcastic droid is an original concept. Anyway the three of them get into a type of ship we've never seen before in any of the other films set in this time period and fly away.
Back to Petra. Special Guest Star Forest Whitaker shows up and starts ranting at Bogey about how he's going to feed Bogey to his pet octopus. Special Guest Star Forest Whitaker uses an oxygen mask sometimes, for reasons. Between General Goofball, Special Guest Star Forest Whitaker, and Prime Minister Smeagol, modern Star Wars has a huge problem giving characters injuries without explaining how they got them or why they matter.
So a Star Destroyer flies out of the Death Star's shadow, which is an amazing feat of special effects. We are then treated to Zombie Tarkin, which is not an amazing feat of special effects. They somehow managed to make him both too jerky and too over-acted. This is an insult to the memory of Peter Cushing and I cast a pox upon all involved. That said, the voice is very good.
There are more Combine soldiers in this scene, for reasons. "If the Senate gets word of our project, worlds will flock to the rebellion," says Zombie Tarkin. Then... why are you making it?
Flashback time! Stardust is an important word, audience. Jan has a crystal that her mother gave her. I bet that's important.
Then they arrive on Petra. A Star Destroyer is hovering over the city, which must be a phenomenal waste of fuel. We learn that cyber crystals are "fuel for the weapon." I, Robot does a funny thing.
Meanwhile, Special Guest Star Forest Whitaker finally gets around to feeding Bogey to his pet octopus.
Jan wanders around Cheddar City. At some point in this sequence she encounters Gratuitous Cameo Number Seventeen, but since this planet is about to be blown to smithereens, it begs the question of how Gratuitous Cameo Number Seventeen manages to escape. Kyle says that they will give Saul's men her name, and hopefully that will get them an audience with Saul. Jan asks "Hope?" and Kyle says "Rebellions are built on hope." This is a stupid line at this time and is clearly only given so that this Strong Female Character(TM) can regurgitate it later in the film.
Jan Ors encounters a blind samurai. (For those of you who don't know why I keep calling Jedi samurai: the word "Jedi" is derived from the Japanese "jidaigeki," which literally translates to "period piece," but to a westerner studying film in the late 60s like George Lucas, would mean "samurai film." Moreover, Lucas originally wanted to cast Toshiro Mifune as Obi-Wan Kenobi, but either the suits or Mifune said no. And since killing off Obi-Wan was Alec Guiness's idea, that opens a huge can of possibilities in parallel, but better, universes.) Anyway, the blind samurai is played by Donnie Yen, who is Chinese and a veteran of what I assume judging by the titles are a plethora of martial arts films. As a result of this, he fights with a staff instead of with a laser katana. Of all the changes to Force lore that Disney has inflicted upon us, I find this to be the most acceptable, even though it does now beg the question of where the Asian Jedi were in the prequels. (Clearly, they were a splinter faction, given that they change the "may the Force be with you" catchphrase to "may the Force of others be with you." Or perhaps they do this to avoid a copyright suit from Disney, as this film was clearly not made by incompetent hacks.)
Anyway, he is able to detect Jan's cyber crystal and he weirds her out. We will later learn that Jan Ors grew up under Special Guest Star Forest Whitaker, and be treated to more of his Star Wars Acting, which suggests that she should be totally unfazed by a random street prophet. He says "the strongest stars have hearts of cyber." That sounds... unlikely. Currency, yes. Stars, not so much.
A transport lumbers into a square full of Saul Guevara's extremists, because the Empire is dumb. Hmm, an occupying force in a desert town ambushed by rebels, it's almost as though Gareth Edwards is trying to make a political statement. Yes, yes, Star Wars grew out of a Vietnam War allegory. Seems only appropriate that it would now be screwed over by people named Kennedy and Johnson. It's like poetry, it rhymes. Jan saves a bawling Rose Tico, thus earning her my undying enmity. We are treated to a sequence where a 5'3" girl with no Force powers beats up several stormtroopers with a stick. It is now impossible to take stormtroopers seriously for the rest of the film, so I guess it's a good thing that the Death Star is about to show up. I, Robot shows up and does a funny thing. An establishing shot passes, and I, Robot does a funny thing.
Then the blind
Oh, apparently Special Guest Star Forest Whitaker is playing Saul Guevara. Well I'm so glad that was made clear before this scene. He talks to Jan Ors for a minute before freaking out and asking if she was sent to kill him. Who was sending her? The rebels? The rebels were sending Jan Ors to kill Saul Guevara? Like, why is this man so fucking raving batshit? I would appreciate some sort of an explanation as to why this raving lunatic hiding in a cave has an army of loyal followers.
Anyway Saul Guevara asks Jan Ors what she wants and she says she doesn't care. He says she doesn't care about the cause and she whines. He asks her about Imperial flags and she millennials at him, which is even worse than whining. He says he has something to show her.
Next, Gareth Edwards cribs a shot from Stanley Kubrick. Zombie Tarkin and Loser declare that they will destroy Cheddar City.
Back in Saul Guevara's cave, the Buddhist monks realize that Bogey is in the cell next to them. The shooty one wants to kill him, because reasons, but Kyle Katarn wants to talk to him. Bogey's mind is blasted from all the sex he had with Saul Guevara's octopus. This will last precisely as long as the plot demands it last.
Now we get a clever scene, wherein Hologram!Mads exposits while Zombie Tarkin prepares to Exterminatus Cheddar City. Hologram!Mads talks about Jan Ors in amazingly prosaic prose, as though the writer of this tripe told him that she would indeed receive the message.
Hologram!Mads explains that he was a galaxy-famous chef and he came up with the recipe for the best pizza ever, and the Empire is making him cook it for them. He explains that he has to go along with it because if he doesn't, they'll kill him and make somebody else cook it instead. But at the beginning of the film, Loser said that they "needed" Mads. He was the only one who could cook the pizza just right. So obviously this is a lie, right? I mean, Loser wouldn't have spent all that time tracking down Mads if somebody else could have built the... giant nuke they're using to quash an insurgency... oh. But no! The guy who told Kyle to kill Mads said that Mads was "vital to the Empire's bakery" or some such.
Well it turns out that Mads sabotaged his super duper pizza recipe (a flaw "so small and powerful they could never find it" - what, is it the One Ring?), because if you add a specific type of garlic, it becomes poison. Rather than tell Jan what type of garlic to add, he tells her that it's in the Imperial cupboard on Skaro, so she'll have to go look for it there. Then the Giant Hurt Ball fires its weapon and Felicity Jones acts at us. It's devastating. The acting, I mean.
Kyle Katarn calls I, Robot, who says a funny thing. The Buddhist monks rescue the pilot the shooty monk wanted to kill a moment ago. Because reasons. There is a brief confrontation between Saul Guevara and Kyle Katarn, which goes nowhere, because reasons.
Everyone says they need to get out, but Special Guest Star Forest Whitaker will remain because he is
So the others run back to their shuttle and jump to hyperspace while they are still well within the planet's gravity well. Apparently it is possible to jump to hyperspace pretty much right after takeoff. This begs the questions of why:
- Han lets the Falcon get chased by a couple of Star Destroyers after taking off from Mos Eisley.
- The rebels do not jump to hyperspace from the surface of Hoth.
- The Falcon does not try jumping to hyperspace at the end of Empire until Vader's flagship is right on top of them.
- Queen Amygdala's space corvette needs to run the Space Toads' two-dimensional blockade.
I'm going to stop there because frankly this is hurting my brain.
Okay so we are treated to some awesome CGI that reminds me of the giant dust storm from Fury Road. I should really re-watch Fury Road. Aside from nothing whatsoever about Furiosa making the slightest lick of sense, it was an entertaining and well-directed movie.
Zombie Tarkin says that he will be telling the Corpse-Emperor that he (Zombie Tarkin) will be assuming direct control of the weapon he (Zombie Tarkin) first spoke of long ago. But we know the bugs of Geo-Knossos designed the weapon. Did Zombie Tarkin get the bugs to design the Giant Hurt Ball? What? What?
Loser belches something about this being his achievement, not Zombie Tarkin's, and Zombie Tarkin asks if that gives Loser power over him. Loser swishes his skirts and storms off in a huff. This is why I call Loser Loser. Still, it could be worse. He could have purple hair.
In hyperspace, the blind monk asks the shooty monk to tell him how much was destroyed. Oh, and Bogey's mind-mash has apparently worn off. The crew is depressed and despondent but never fear, Felicity Jones is here to act at us. Kyle Katarn asks what happened to her father's message, and Jan Ors, Super Awesome Action Girl Heroine, admits that she left it behind in the chaos.
A shuttle flies out of the Death Star and we learn that Loser is on his way to E-do.
On E-do, the shuttle is flying through a storm. Bogey, who has completely recovered from octopus sex, is guiding them in, but drama happens and they end up crashing in a canyon. Back on Yavin, the
The blind monk mentions that the Force told him that Kyle Katarn is getting ready to kill, and Jan Ors realizes that he's going to kill her father, so she runs out after him. The Buddhist monks follow her. I, Robot says a funny thing (drink).
Jan is climbing the world's longest ladder. I don't think she has the slightest idea what to do if she gets up there. Meanwhile, Loser's shuttle flies directly over Bogey and Kyle. So... remember that scene at the beginning of A New Hope, set approximately next week? Where the Imperial gunner is going to destroy the escape pod, but there are no life-forms aboard? What, do the Imperial life-form sensors not work in the rain? How does Loser not see Kyle and Bogey?
Loser rambles at the scientists that one of them betrayed the Empire. (Because at this point he needs to keep any of them alive.) Mads admits it was him. Loser has the other scientists killed anyway, because at this point he doesn't need to keep any of them alive.
While this tomfoolery has been going on, Kyle has decided not to kill Mads. This is character development.
Jan Ors arrives on the platform and throws an Imperial to his death. Somehow this attracts zero attention. Kyle realizes that she is on the platform. I, Robot tells him that there is a squadron of X-wings inbound. Kyle tells I, Robot to wave them off. I, Robot contacts the traitor base, and the traitor general tries to call them off, but is told that the fighters are "already engaged." Except they're clearly not, until a few seconds later. Is this sloppy editing or what?
The platform is bombed but Jan Ors and Loser both survive because they have plot armor. (Remember this movie getting praise for being a realistic war movie where nobody has plot armor? Yeah that's bullshit.) Mads is fatally wounded. Loser runs away rather than make sure Jan is dead, because reasons. Mads is dying, which means that Felicity Jones has to act again. Mads dies of embarrassment. Kyle arrives on the platform just in time to rescue her. Because plot armor. Then the dakka master arrives just in time to rescue them. Because plot armor. Then I, Robot and Bogey arrive just in time to rescue them. Because plot armor.
The hatch closes. The lights come back on. Felicity Jones wonders why the camera is still running. Jan Ors is angry that Kyle was going to kill her dad, and Kyle points out that he didn't actually kill her dad. Jan asks him if he obeys orders even when he knows they're wrong, even though he didn't obey the order to kill her dad. You fucking millennial.
So Loser goes and visits the Emperor's top soldier, who was fatally wounded and then resurrected in a suit of armor and likes hanging out in stupidly huge citadels. I'm going to call him Rawbutt Girlyman for reasons that should be obvious if you've clicked on some of the links elsewhere in this post and in this series (if you don't, it is apparently safe to Google, which surprised me). I'm not going to call him Darth Vader, because Darth Vader's helmet does not look like it's made out of plastic, Darth Vader does not sound like he's 85 years old, and Darth Vader does not do political intrigue and say lines like "there is no Death Star." Which, hang on. Rawbutt says that officially there is no Death Star, but I thought the entire frakking point of the Death Star was to make everyone afraid of the Empire. Like, the whole point of a doomsday machine is lost if you keep it a secret WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL THE WORLD, EH? Random point, but Rawbutt Girlyman has a housecarl. We never see this character in the Real Trilogy. I kinda want to know what his job qualifications were.
Loser says that he deserves an audience with the God-Emperor. I guess he came to Macragge to ask Rawbutt to give him an invite to Holy Terra? Like, I was under the impression that a) none of the Imperial officer corps really wanted to talk to Vader, and b) none of the Imperial officer corps wanted to talk to the Emperor at all. Like, remember in Return of the Jedi when bargain-bin Tarkin freaked out when Vader said the Emperor was coming to inspect Death Star II: Electric Boogaloo? So holy crap is Loser the ultimate brown-noser. A brown-noser with brown pants, I reckon.
The next scene has a) Jimmy Smits, b) some explanation for why the Rebellion as witnessed in A New Hope has only white humans in it (the others all cut and ran, which is, um, racist), and c) Felicity Jones acting at us some more. Once that's over, the Buddhists say they want to help, Jan Ors says "you and what army," and
The rebels who are rebelling from the Rebellion board the stolen imperial shuttle (how original). Some twerp on the comm asks for their call sign and Bogey mentions the film's title.
Jimmy Smits says he has to go back to Alderaan because the Book of Lucas dictates that he be there in a week when it gets fireworked. Also he needs to send someone to go fetch Obi-Wan Kenobi, so he'll send someone he trusts with his life, and the score quotes Princess Leia's theme, which is honestly the second-best part of this film.
The rebels who are rebelling from the Rebellion arrive at Skaro, where the plot of the next half-hour is explained. The planet is protected by an energy shield, through which there is a single gate. The Empire controls the gate, and so they'll need to use subterfuge to get the shuttle through the gate. I, Robot says a funny thing. (Driiiiiiiiink.) Fortunately, Imperial officers are dumb as bricks, so the subterfuge works. Jan Ors fondles her cyber crystal and may or may not forgive Kyle Katarn for... not killing her father... with a look. I think there was a cut subplot where they had sex or something, because their interaction at this point in the story is just weird.
Bogey gives more exposition. There is a tower where the data files are being stored, and a big dish because it "takes a lot of power to send those data files out." This is insane. In Empire, Vader transmits a hologram of himself to the surface without the use of a stupid dish. I refuse to believe that some blueprints take up more terabytes than full-motion holograms.
Anyway, the inspection team happens to be comprised of two guys whose clothes happen to fit Jan Ors and Kyle Katarn. How convenient. Nobody bothers to disguise themselves as stormtroopers, though, because that would be too... obvious? Unoriginal?
By the power of
Have I mentioned I like Michael Giacchino's ripoff of the Imperial March? Because I do.
The rebels who are rebelling against the Rebellion begin infiltrating the Imperial base. Kyle Katarn successfully passes himself off as an Imperial officer despite having facial hair. Action starts and the dakka master and the blink monk kill people. I, Robot does a funry thr... thinnnngggggg. (dReihungk.)
Okay, the Rebellion that the rebels have rebelled against learn that the rebels who rebelled against the Rebellion have gone to Skaro, and Admiral Raddus is going to go to Skaro to fight. Some shiny twerp shows up for two seconds for an obligatory cameo. But hang on, shouldn't they already be on Zombie Princess Leia's ship, which is inside Admiral Raddus's ship, for reasons?
The blind monk hears Imperial Walkers and nobody else does. Wow.
Admiral Raddus's fleet arrives. Interesting fact: the guy who played Gold Leader in the original film is still alive and recorded some new dialogue for this movie (this is how Gold Leader is able to talk about "the shield gate" - it's actually very convincing and unlike Vader, I can't tell that his voice has aged 40 years). Unfortunately, the use of stock footage of Red and Gold Leaders, with its very static camera-work, is very noticeable compared to the new footage of Blue Leader.
With the Rebellion that the rebels have rebelled against up in orbit, the Empire closes the force-field gate so that the rebels who are rebelling against the Rebellion are trapped down on the planet. Moreover, the rebels who are rebelling against the Rebellion and the Rebellion that the rebels have rebelled against can't talk to each other, so Bogey will have to get "hooked in" to a comms tower. Also, Imperial Walkers are immune to bazookas, but not to lasers. I guess they get better paint between now and Empire.
So there's a "console" somewhere on the surface of Skaro that has a "master switch" that will let Bogey patch into the comms tower. It's like they wrote the video game first and then built the movie around it.
In the data storage room, I, Robot finds the tape from the security console, while Kyle Katarn plays the claw game. Some stormtroopersh shhowww upp n Eye Rojbot jdooes a fuunnnnny thing d(RUu9jink.))0
An assault boat lands on the surface and some rebels jump out, screaming "For Cheddar!" I ...don't think they really cared about the city, guys. I don't think any of them had ever set foot there. Space is big, you dolts.
So Jan Ors makes a passing reference to a hyperspace tracking system, and Rian's fangirls have glommed on to this to explain the entire plot of The Next Cash-In. But as we're about to see, this base is about to be utterly annihilated, along with all of the data in it. So in order for this "foreshadowing" to have survived, the Empire would have needed to make a backup copy, which, as we know from the situations regarding maps in both Attack of the Clones and The Farce Awakens, is just not an available option in the Star Wars universe. Moreover, if the Empire had a backup copy of the data, they would use it in the Real Trilogy. They did not. Please stop making excuses for Rian.
Jan identifies the Death Star plans because Mads used the codename "Stardust" for them. It's kind of amazing that they let Mads pick the name, given that he was basically their prisoner, but whatever.
I, Robot is shot to death by Stormtroopers. This is sad. Kyle is sad. Felicity Jones, mercifully, does not try to act at this point.
Loser just now is informed that there was an unauthorized access of the data vault, so Loser and his guards are going there, because we have to have a face-to-face confrontation between the hero and villain, that's just how Star Wars works.
The Buddhists wind up at the doors of the Endor bunker from Return of the Jedi while stormtroopers pour fire into them. The "master switch" is on a "console" several feet away from the bunker, for reasons. The stormtroopers will shoot them if they get out of cover. But "them" does not include the blind monk, who manages to chant his way over to the console and pull the switch. He is immediately shot. Please, tell me more about how this film does not have plot armor.
Jan and Kyle are climbing up the data tower. Loser arrives and shoots Kyle, who dies.
In space, the Rebellion that the rebels are rebelling against disable a Star Destroyer. Bogey contacts them and tells them to drop the force-field. So Raddus uses a little ship to push the crippled Star Destroyer into another Star Destroyer. This is awesome. The rebels never try this again for the rest of the Galactic Civil War. This is stupid.
Having completed his part of the mission, Bogey is killed. Look, "plot armor" does not mean that a character won't die; it means that a character won't be in serious danger so long as they have a part to play. The dakka master runs out to the blind monk, and he is not shot. Please, tell me more about how this film does not have plot armor. The dakka master takes up the blind monk's chant and murders a fuckton of stormtroopers before dying.
Jan climbs up to the big dish and is set to transmit the plans, but first she has to reset the antenna. This requires her to wander out to a console at the end of a gangplank. I'm beginning to see why the Empire needed Mads Mikkelsen to design the Death Star for them, because between this and the "master switch," they normally put their stuff in very stupid places. This enables us to have a bit of drama when a TIE fighter of a variety we will never see again shoots at her and she almost falls of the platform but doesn't.
Then Loser appears to give us more fake drama, but surprise! Kyle's alive and he shoots Loser. Neither bother to make sure that he's dead. It doesn't matter because the Death Star's going to kill him in a minute anyway.
The wreckage of the Star Destroyers plunge into the shield gate and - conveniently - destroy the shield. Somehow. Jan Ors is able to transmit the Death Star plans to Admiral Raddus's ship.
So we get a little graphic of the Death Star, the same design that was used in A New Hope, with the cannon on the equator instead of above it. But hang on, back in Attack of the Clones, we saw the original plans were done by the Geo-Knossos bugs. And the cannon was in the right place there. Ah, the travails of canon, and for that pun alone I apologize.
The Death Star arrives out of Hyperspace, and alas we don't actually get to see this. Kyle and Jan smooch in the elevator and alas we don't actually get to see that either. Also, Kyle and Jan limp out of the complex. So apparently there was a door right next to the data bank, right? Why did Kyle and Jan have to spend so long dicking around inside the facility if there was a door right there? What I'm saying is, how come they got out of the facility in so much less time than it took them to get in?
Rawbutt Girlyman's flagship bursts onto the field and straight up wrecks a couple of rebel ships by bumping into them. This is awesome.
Their mission completed, Kyle and Jan are killed by the Death Star. This is not a subversion of plot armor. The characters are all discarded immediately after they stop being useful to the story. At no point does a character's death actually hinder the efforts of the heroes.
Admiral Radius's ship is disabled. So Rawbutt decides to board it and grab the plans for himself. Like, wouldn't it have made more sense to blow the ship and any escape pods to smithereens and call it a day?
Rawbutt slaughters a hallway full of redshirts but fails to get the plans and has to just kind of watch as Princess Leia's ship launches from the hangar of Admiral Radius's flagship. Why was that ship there? Why was it sitting out the entire battle? Also, how come Rawbutt's ship doesn't intercept Leia's ship? Like, with a tractor beam or something? I get that we have to try to sync this up to the beginning of A New Hope, only hang on. In A New Hope, Vader says "several transmissions were beamed to this ship by rebel spies." In this movie, one transmission was beamed to a different ship and then carried by hand to Leia's ship. Good going, Gareth.
So anyway, the plans are given to Zombie Leia and the ship blasts off into hyperspace. Wait, then how does Vader manage to track her down over Tatooine? I guess he uses the Force or something, since hyperspace tracking does not exist at all and most certainly does not exist yet.
You know what? The Next Cash-In's tomfoolery notwithstanding, I would assume based on what scant information we have that hyperspace tracking is possible in the Star Wars universe, if only to a limited degree. In A New Hope, when Leia says "they're tracking us," Han's response is "not this ship, sister," not "that's impossible."
Anyway, that's Rogue One. It's set up very poorly, one of its villains is a loser, another of its villains is a denizen of the uncanny valley, and it's nowhere near as clever about subverting plot armor as it wants you to think it is. Michael Giacchino does a very good job filling John Williams's shoes (I particularly love the choral version of the Imperial March that plays as Rawbutt slaughters his way through the redshirts at the end) and the direction is solid. Under no circumstances was it a movie that actually had to be made, however, and its few bright spots do not really justify its existence. It does not enrich the franchise by dint of its existence. Peter Cushing gets a "special acknowledgement" in the credits that hardly makes up for the defilement of his corpse this film insists on flogging at us. There might be a clever analogy to be made about comparing the incomplete and untested Death Star with the horrific Zombie Tarkin effect, but it's late and I'm tired of yammering about this. Good night.
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