They made a trailer. I watched it.
0:00-0:07: Horse. Because when I think yet another Crisis Crossover, the first thing that comes to my mind is horses.
0:08-0:10: This shot is identical to one of Han Solo on a Tauntaun on Hoth. Did they think I wouldn't notice? Very odd homage. Darkseid isn't Supes' dad, is he?
0:14: Bruce says "We have to be ready." He's right. Marvel has a 10-year lead on us, and it's not like we can afford to rush out half-finished nonsense.
0:15-0:21: We're still riding a damn horse. Bruce tells us "There's an attack coming" while he overlooks a fishing village. Because all Crisis Crossovers have to start in a fishing village. It's a rule.
0:28-0:32: A guy watches a box shake. This would resonate more if more than 10% of the people watching this trailer had the slightest clue what a Mother Box is or who Cyborg is. Also, Skullz! Or something.
0:35: Diana asks "The others, where are they?" and Bruce just kinda smirks. "Oh, it's cute how you think I'd recruit them without first collecting meticulous details on how to beat them all, if necessary."
0:38: Surf's up, Khal Drogo!
0:44: $10 says "It's on him" is the funniest line in the film.
0:46-0:49: What's a "biomechitronic" body part? (Edit: Apparently this is a thing. I and the other 95% of viewers who aren't Cyborg know-it-alls are in the right to be confused.)
0:55-1:00: "Whoever you're looking for, it's not me." Correct. I am looking for Grant Gustin.
1:04-1:06: Hey, anybody remember that other movie that had Ben Affleck and this song?
1:09-1:11: Diana says "They said the age of heroes would never come again." No, honey, you're thinking of the Silver Age of Comic Books.
1:15: It begins to dawn on me that they're seriously going to pretend that Superman's staying dead.
1:17: Aquaman does something useful. First genuine surprise of the trailer.
1:19-1:20: The Zack Snyder School of Contrast means we're denied a Wonder Woman Panty Shot. Five-yard penalty, first down.
1:24: It wouldn't be a modern DC thing without an Iron Man-a-like. See also: Palmer, Ray.
1:25: Is he gonna make the Cyborg Sigil eclipse the moon?
1:26-1:29: "Okay, guys, we have to make our Flash look visually distinct from the one on TV." "Do we have to make him visually distinct from Nightcrawler?" "What a stupid question of course not."
1:32: Bruce Wayne is basically an unfunny Tony Stark. Also I thought we weren't doing the Bat-Bale voice.
1:34-1:39: "My turn." Yes, Batman, please steal this movie.
1:43: There's football in this movie? (I think this is Cyborg's origin story, but it's still really weird and out of context.)
1:43-1:48: Okay, a lot of very quick shots. Wonder Woman Smash! City/Lightning! Flash! (Are we getting his origin story too?) Lois Lane is here for no reason because Superman is dead dead dead, right? Khal Drogo plays Moses!
1:49: Fishwoman! Anybody else get the sense that this movie's gonna be far too bloated for its own good?
1:50: Oh, good, we're doing Season 1 of The Flash again!
1:51-1:52: Wonder Woman leads the Last Alliance of Men and Elves against the Forces of Mordor. Also, Panty Shot!
1:52: There are still gunz on teh Batmobile, because of course there are. (It's very simple. Bat-Bale was Bruce Wayne. Batfleck is Jean Paul Valley, either pretending to be Bruce or so seriously messed up in the head that he thinks he is Bruce. On that note, someone put the AzBats costume in a live action film PLEASE.)
1:54-1:55: I can't tell what's happening in this shot and doubt I'll be able to in context. Did someone knock WW off the Batmobile? Did she swoop in and knock someone off the Batmobile?
1:57: More Flash running. This could be recycled from 1:44. It could also be recycled from the CW.
1:58: WW Panty Shot!
1:59: Wonder Woman leads the B-Team into the Space Jockey's ship.
2:14: Bats reminds you that this is directed by the same guy who did Watchmen.
2:16: Khal Drogo wants to die historic on the Fury Road.
So there's lots to snark about. But frankly I think it's too late. DC's cinematic adventure is gonna live or die this summer based on Wonder Woman. Which I will see. And then duly snark about, right here.
Originally this post suggested that it was someone other than Lois Lane at 1:45. The internet says otherwise.
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