I mean, this week we had an episode titled "The Gift." Now, in the holy and sacred text of Saint George of House Martin, "The Gift" is an area of land south of the Wall and north of Winterfell. It's conceivable that Stannis is doing the Big Napoleon in this stretch of land, so all told, tonight's episode spent about five minutes there. Hurrah.
Spoilers.
Jon and Tormund leave to go rescue some wildlings. Because what this series needs is moar padding, I guess. It's all tits and fights now. And Pedofinger traveling at the speed of plot, but whatever.
Stannis's army is camped out in The Gift, where Melisandre tells him to sacrifice his daughter Shireen to give him victory. Y'know, just in case you were unsure whether Melisandre was evil or not. (Still don't understand why in the hell she didn't just tell Jon, "look, let's f*ck, we'll make a ringwraith that can go kill Vlad Bolton for you.")
After Jon leaves, two Night's Watch members try to rape Gilly, but Sam (implausibly) and Ghost (equally implausibly; last seen on the far side of the Wall) intervene. Y'know, I was sitting here thinking you know what this show needs, especially after last week's overhyped controversy? Moar rape. Anyway, Gilly starts nursing Sam back to health. Sex ensues.
In Marine (I've given up calling it Meereen because nobody pronounces it right), Jorah and Tyrion arrive at a fighting pit. Jorah manages to beat up a bunch of armored guys (same series where Barristan was killed by a bunch of unarmored guys) before taking his mask off in front of Daenerys. Sex, alas, does not ensue.
In Dorne, Bronn has been poisoned by Tyene, who takes her clothes off. Sex does not ensue, but by the Seven, I've seen porn with better plots. First GreyMissy and now this? What the unholy hell?
Also Jaime and Myrcella have a daddy-daughter reunion that doesn't even manage to be as awkward as the most recent run of Agents of SHIELD episodes. Once again, Doran is a no-show. I know AFFC is slow as all get out, but by God this season is downright lethargic.
In Winterfell, Sansa tries to enlist Reek to help her. To my considerable delight, Reek tattles on her to Ramsay. (Remember, my major concern about the Sansa storyline is that they just turn her into a damsel in distress for Theon to rescue. But since he's still Ramsay's loyal lapdog, I'm getting less worried about that.) Meanwhile, Sansa's creeped out and terrified in front of Reek, but much more reserved in front of Ramsay (so there goes my idea that she was playing up the helpless victim angle for Ramsay's benefit). Having said that, she's not out of the game just yet: she's trying to exploit a potential rift between him and his father. He's not having any of it, yet, and with Sansa more or less confined to her rape room, it's going to be difficult for her to make further progress. Still, Theon ain't lighting that candle any time soon. Good. Keep Brienne waiting out there, let her kill Stannis, and then bump her off. Meanwhile keep Sansa surrounded by enemies and let her work her own way out of it.
In King's Landing, Olenna Tyrell continues to be generally ineffective. Neither she nor Pedofinger are here IN THE BOOKS AND OH MY GOD I CANNOT COMPREHEND ANY CHANGES TO THE MASTERWORK HAND THE SHOWRUNNERS OVER TO RAMSAY NOW &c. The Queen of Thorns, previously the sharpest knife in the drawer, can't figure out that the easiest way to take Cersei down is to just tell the High Sparrow "hey, she's boinking her brother." (On the other hand, in a show rife with Hey It's That Guy,
Up until now, I haven't really felt like Season 5 was a crushing disappointment, because I assumed it was going somewhere. But I'm beginning to suspect the ratio of important scenes to padding is more than slightly lopsided. Ugh.
Come on, George, hurry up with the Word of Martin.
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