Sticking my nose in Star Wars again

Rumor mill says Han, Luke and Leia are the focal point of Star Wars Episode VII: Wring The Last Drop.

Now, look, it's impossible for J.J. Abrams to ruin Star Wars more than George Lucas and half the Expanded Universe writers did. I mean, he gave that sort of thing his best shot with Star Trek Into Darkness, and it was still better than all the good parts of Nemesis, Voyager and Enterprise put together. But this still seems, er, dumb. And it's not like it can, even if it's an utter turd, shake Diamonds Are Forever out of the Worst Seventh Installment (Featuring At Least One Returning Actor Who Sat The Last Film(s) Out) In A Franchise That Ran Out Of Creative Steam Before Most Of Its Fans Today Were Born slot.

Yes, that is James Bond discovering that America faked the Moon Landings.

But... if it wasn't Star Wars, didn't begin with those ten words in blue-on-black, would you go see it?

I wouldn't. 

A Game of Thrones: Eddard VII (Chapter 30): Goose Chase

Previously on A Blog Of Thrones, we finally got past the extended prologue and into the opening credits, where we met pretty much every minor character (no, not even by a long shot) and ate a bunch of food. This time, Westeros's least competent detective continues bumbling through the plot.

A Goldfinger liveblog

As you may have guessed, I think modern pop-culture is a bunch of self-indulgent tripe.  So here, on this blog that very few people read, I shall post a transcript of the notes I took while watching Goldfinger during last night's Grammys. 

The opening: Bond blows up a heroin factory in the middle of nowhere.  Then he meets a chick of questionable loyalty and kills a bad guy by electrocuting him.  Foreshadowing!

Credits.  Shirley Bassey.  Gold…fing-aaaah!  Too bad the rest of the lyrics are rubbish.  True story: that’s actually That Random Ho From The Pool Scene covered in gold paint in the titles, rather than Disposable Wench #1.  Hey, this is a film with a character named “Pussy Galore.” I honestly think I’m being more respectful with the names I give them.

Speaking of respecting women, we rejoin Bond at the pool, where he gives That Random Ho From The Pool a smack on the bum.  I say, this James Bond chap wouldn’t be too far out of place on that Mad Men show, would he?  Felix Leiter is played by some guy who is not Jack Lord.  Oh My God They Have Recast Felix Leiter James Bond Is Ruined Forever. 

A Game of Thrones: Sansa II (Chapter 29): Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Book

Previously on A Game of Thrones, Catelyn Stark kidnapped the son of the richest and most sinister man in the Seven Kingdoms based largely on hearsay evidence. I am not a lawyer (yet), but I sincerely doubt she's got enough for a conviction here.  Anyway, we now get to a tourney, with jousting and a grisly death. Hooray!

No, "James Bond" is not a code name.

There was supposed to be a Thunderball review up today but then things happened. So you get this tripe instead.

Jumping-off point: this Cracked article.

Under this theory, each actor played a different secret agent, but each of these different secret agents used the code-name "James Bond," which explains the little differences between them like the fact that Roger Moore, unlike any of his colleagues, can disarm a nuclear bomb, or that Timothy Dalton would rather set his enemies on fire while Pierce Brosnan preferred punning them to death.  Some details seem to fit: “Sean Connery” retired after being forced to work with the self-evidently insane Tiger Tanaka in You Only Live Twice ("Yes, Mr. Bond, now you need to go undercover as Japanese. No, I will not give you any accent coaching, only a horribly insulting makeup job"), only for his replacement to resign out of grief as soon as his wife was killed, prompting "Sean" to come out of retirement for one more go before they could hire Simon Templar's Eyebrows; “Roger Moore” was finally given his pension and chucked out, and “Timothy Dalton” went rogue. One only hopes that "Pierce Brosnan" is still locked up in that North Korean prison and that all of Die Another Day only took place in his head.

My top five favorite scenes in the James Bond franchise

5.    “This is XXX.” (Lewis Gilbert, The Spy Who Loved Me)  Director Gilbert’s method of introducing Major Amasova is brilliant.  General Gogol and his secretary discuss the whereabouts of Agent XXX without using pronouns.  Cut to some guy in bed with a girl.  We know from the way the secretary’s voice carries over into this shot that one of these people is XXX, and because this scene is staged like so many scenes of Bond in bed with a random chick (and because this is 1977 and we’re all chauvinist pigs), we assume that the guy is Agent XXX.  The radio asks for XXX, she gives him a look that seems to say “you have to answer that”, he gets out of bed… and then she answers.  

4.     “Do you expect me to talk?” (Sean Connery, Goldfinger)  It’s so freaking iconic, and arguably Connery’s best performance in the series. Of course, he’s not entirely acting, because the stagehand under the table with the acetylene torch can’t see where to stop cutting, but it’s still really the only time the normally-stoic Connery Bond gets to really show any emotion (namely fear). (Because Connery's Bond is so damn stoic, a lot of his acting comes through very subtly. This just happens to be the scene where he gets to drop that.)  On top of that, he’s entirely dependent on his wits to survive, which doesn’t happen anywhere near enough in these films.

What was wrong with Pacific Rim?

Count this as another example of me being really late to a party.

So, Pacific Rim. Giant robots vs. giant monsters. I'm with you so far. I mean, obviously, it's just going to be a big dumb sci-fi popcorn flick where half the cast gets gorily chomped, a la Starship Troopers, right?

Well, no. But it probably should have been.

James Bond: Goldfinger

Last film before Ian Fleming dies, and first one where characters discuss a plot hole in the source material. First appearance of the Aston Martin, and with it the first appearance of Q's lab and the "Sir Not Appearing (Elsewhere) In This Film" throwaway gadgets. First time Desmond Llewellyn is credited as "Q," and first time a song is sung over the opening titles. First time the opening titles have anything to do with the plot (and only time clips from the film are shown during said titles - but see also OHMSS). First time the pre-credits teaser has nothing to do with the main plot of the film (although it's worth mentioning that it does show Bond electrocuting a mook...) First time Felix Leiter gets re-cast (either because Jack Lord wanted too much money or because the producers decided to keep re-casting the role to prevent Leiter from becoming as popular as Bond, depending on who you ask). First film to use the "James Bond will return in..." formula in the end credits. First Bond film directed by Guy Hamilton, the guy who also gave us Diamonds Are Forever, Live and Let Die, and The Man With the Golden Gun. Speaking of, first appearance of a golden gun. Last time Connery's Bond is forced to outwit someone who's physically his equal, and first appearance of a hulking, mute henchman. Only time, not counting For Your Eyes Only, (where blowing up the Lotus was a statement of intent,) where a gadget from a previous film (the attache case from From Russia With Love) is explicitly written out before Bond can use it again. Only pre-Roger Moore Bond film where SPECTRE isn't even mentioned. First time Production Designer Ken Adam gets to go truly nuts (yes, yes, everyone loves the Fort Knox set, but I for one want Goldfinger's rec room). Last time until Licence to Kill where Bond tries psychological manipulation (throughout the film on Sanchez there, but here it's just one scene involving one cell guard). Second and last appearance of Nadja Rejin (she played Kerim Bey's mistress in the previous film, and is the dancer in the pre-title sequence here - and thus becomes the first actress to play two different characters in two different Bond films. See also Martin Beswick and Maude Adams). After the somewhat silly "Honey Ryder" in Dr. No, here we have the first truly ridiculous female character name in the form of Pussy Galore. First time a Bond Girl is shown to have living relatives (although not for long). Last time until Octopussy that the main Bond Girl doesn't show up in the film's first half (no, You Only Live Twice doesn't count.  I'll explain later). First time a member of the Avengers cast shows up in a Bond film, so perhaps it's fitting that it's also the first time a female character is shown to have any sort of physical prowess (I mean outside the bedroom, perv), although Cathy Gale is of course no match for James Bond. On the minus side, it's the first time Connery's Bond does something that looks an awful lot like rape. And, oh yes, first time a Bond Girl dies.

Only time James Bond insults the Beatles. Hey, guess who did the title track for the first film made after Connery left for good? (And the head of the Bank of England in this film is also in A Hard Day's Night.)

A Doctor Who drinking game

Take a sip when

• A Dalek says "exterminate"
• The TARDIS makes that sound
• The Doctor uses the Sonic Screwdriver
• The companion says something like "what's that, Doctor?"
• The companion gets captured
• The Doctor uses that incarnation's catchphrase
• William Hartnell flubs his lines
• Patrick Troughton says "when I say run" or "Oh my giddy aunt"
• Jon Pertwee reverses the polarity
• Tom Baker offers someone a jelly baby
• Peter Davison says "brave heart" or plays with his celery
• Christopher Eccleston says "Fantastic!"
• David Tennant says "Allons-y!"
• Matt Smith says "Geronimo" or "bowties are cool"

Take a drink when

• The Doctor kisses someone
• River Song says "spoilers" (unless it's "Silence in the Library"/"Forest of the Dead" in which case just a sip)
• Captain Jack makes an innuendo
• The Doctor pretends to be dumb/evil
• Two incarnations of the Doctor snark at each other
• Somebody who was in a James Bond film shows up
• Somebody who was in Game of Thrones shows up 
• Somebody other than David Tennant who was in the Harry Potter films shows up
• Colin Baker shows up in Arc of Infinity
• Peter Capaldi shows up in "The Fires of Pompeii"
• The villain is revealed to be the Master/Davros in disguise
• Take an extra drink if they used a pseudonym in the credits to disguise the actor as well
• A companion gets mind-controlled
• Master/Doctor is implied
• Doctor/Romana is implied
• A fez appears
• The guy you thought was the episode's main villain turns out to just be a front for the Daleks/Cybermen

Finish your drink when

• The Doctor does something a different incarnation refused/will refuse to do
• The Doctor uses another incarnation's catchphrase
• The Sonic Screwdriver is used to screw or unscrew a screw
• The Doctor comments disapprovingly on the "redecorated" TARDIS
• The Doctor regenerates
• A companion leaves
• The Doctor gets mind-controlled
• The Doctor reverses the polarity of the neutron flow
• You reach the point in Series 2 where, in your own personal opinion, "Doomsday" can't arrive soon enough

Things I want in Mass Effect 4

-To play as a mercenary.
I had a small problem with the Original Trilogy's morality system; you couldn't actually be evil. Pragmatic, yes, and you had the opportunity to be a backstabbing turd in the third game... but remember Zaeed's loyalty mission? After he blows up part of the refinery in the cutscene, there's no opportunity to just outright agree with him that, yeah, killing Vido takes priority over saving the workers. Even Renegade Shepard is all "we'll discuss this later." This was especially frustrating because you could agree with Garrus about a virtually identical scenario in his backstory in the first game (you just couldn't, you know, play through it).