Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things

A man must beg a pardon for the slow update schedule.

In Winterfell, Bran has a dream. Get used to this dream. You'll be seeing it a few more times. A three-eyed crow is leading him down into the crypts. He wakes up, and the mythical Pokemon Hodor carries him downstairs to say hi to Tyrion, who has designed a contraption for Bran to ride around with a little more dignity.  Pretty nice for the guy who supposedly tried to assassinate Bran, yes?

Before he leaves, Tyrion talks to Theon and we finally get his backstory.  It'll be important next season, but basically Theon's a glorified hostage so his father doesn't try to start another rebellion.

Next up, we're at the Wall. A brave and noble protagonist is given a fat, cowardly sidekick named Samwell. How original! Sam was kicked up north because his dad thought he was less than worthless. Specifically, Samwell's options were "go to the Wall" or "suffer a hunting accident." Hey! What other fat idiot could possibly suffer a hunting accident on this show?

I'm gonna pause right here and go on a little bit of a rant: how the hell did this not happen to Tyrion? Until the second book, Tyrion's skill set appears to consist of Mouthing Off At People and Spending Daddy's Money. The only Lannister who cares at all about him is Jaime, and it's not like he gets any say in family policy. So don't tell me that Tyrion didn't get shipped off to the Wall because Tywin Lannister cares about the Imp. You might be thinking that Tywin keeps him around because he needs a male heir and Jaime disqualified himself when he joined the Kingsguard, but I certainly don't get the impression Tywin is even considering turning Casterly Rock over to Tyrion (update: they specifically have this conversation in A Storm of Swords and yeah, Tyrion ain't getting the Rock). So that's out.

Anyway...

So the other boys are mean to Sam until Jon makes them be nice, with an assist from an ever-growing direwolf.  Alliser Thorne, the meanie-head that every military unit in fiction has, continues to make unkind comments about Sam and the recruits' chances of not dying horribly when winter finally gets here. What a cheerful man.

Meanwhile over in the desert, Viserys and Doreah have sex and talk about things. Dany and Jorah do not have sex, but they also talk about things. We learn that the Targaryens used to ride dragons, a few of said dragons' names, the Iron Throne is made of swords because why not, the Dothraki are not about to cross the sea because they fear water, Viserys is never going to conquer the Seven Kingdoms, and Jorah used to sell slaves. Later on, Viserys throws another hissy fit and Dany smacks him with a golden belt or something. Good times all around.

 Down in King's Landing, Sansa gets a look at the place where her grandfather and uncle were brutally murdered, but she's looking at the Iron Throne. You know, that place where the first boy she pops out will one day sit. 

Eddard discovers that Jon Arryn was reading up on genealogy right before he died. He also discovers that Cersei, Varys and Littlefinger have littered one specific garden with spies. "No, My Lady, the Hand did not come through today. Nothing to report." Littlefinger tells Ned to send a flunky to talk to Ser Hugh, but Ser Hugh will not talk to flunkies. Convenient, that. Then Ser Hugh jousts in a tourney and takes a lance to the neck. Also convenient, that.

Finally, Tyrion stops at an inn. So does Cat. Continuing her streak of tactical brilliance, Cat decides to ask a bunch of sellswords to take the the son of the richest man in the Seven Kingdoms hostage. The episode ends.

Filed under "it just bugs me"

So the Mass Effect games are set in the future. And still the sniper rifles only have one shot per clip.

You'd think that would be like the number-one thing they'd work on fixing. 

No, wait, it was all working fine in the first game... they just took forever between shots. Why? Because that's how sniper rifles work in video games. Otherwise they'd be stupid overpowered. And thus not at all like the Adepts in the first game, right?

B5: Confessions and Lamentations

This is the Dr. Franklin episode for the back half of Season 2. It is remarkably similar to that earlier one with the sick kid, only remarkably less preachy.

So the good Doctor has this friend named Dr. Lazarus Lazeren. He's a Markab, which is a word my spell-checker is recognizing to my considerable surprise. And four Markabs have died within the last week, which is extraordinarily suspicious, apparently. This leads me to ask exactly how many Markabs are on the station.

It turns out that there's this plague that apparently means all the Markabs are sinners. The B5 crew doesn't want to isolate and ostracize them, but the Markabs take care of that by isolating themselves. A little Markab kid loses his daddy. Delenn is sad.

Delenn has Sheridan over for dinner. There's an incredibly long running gag about how the food must be prepared and then eaten in a very specific way. Sheridan is remarkably slow to take the hint. But he appears to be trying.

Well anyway it's not clear whether the disease can spread to other species, so all the Markabs decide to isolate themselves and pray, because prayer always works in these situations, right? (This is why I compare it to that episode with the sick kid and the Luddite parents.) Delenn decides to go into the quarantine room to comfort the dying Markabs. Lennier goes with her because come on. Sheridan tries to talk her out of it, telling her that they're not her people. "I did not know that similarity was a requirement for compassion," says the woman who became half-human in order to forge a better understanding between two species.

So she and Lennier go into the quarantine room to watch the aliens die comfort them in their final hours. That alien boy from earlier (actually per the credits, the character's played by a girl, but I couldn't tell and am apparently a sexist prick. Look, the kid hasn't hit puberty yet, is never assigned a gender on-screen, and is buried underneath a layer of latex. How should I know?) can't find her mother. Delenn sends Lennier off to find the mother. What's her name? "Mama." Lennier gets a fancy new mantra: "Faith manages." You need it, buddy. Well surprise surprise, he somehow manages to find the mother (maybe her name actually is Mama), just in time for the kid to keel over. Because in case you haven't figured it out yet, JMS hates kids.

Well, another alien drops dead from the disease, so Dr. Lazeren decides to go in and do the autopsy himself. He catches the disease. Or maybe he had it before, but that was never addressed. He and Franklin are old friends. You can tell because he keeps calling Franklin "Stephen," and calling him on his stim habit. They go off on some discussion about how the Bubonic Plague was carried by rats, and the people killed the cats that were chasing the rats off because they were religious stupid. Lazeren says something that might make you think that this episode's going to resolve itself on a counter-intuitive solution, but nope, Franklin Sciences the Science, but not before Lazeren dies. Oh well.

Down to the quarantine room to administer the cure to the Markabs. No, wait, first we have to whip up a batch of vials of cure. That might not have taken so long, except that Dr. Franklin destroyed most of the vials in the medlab in a fit of grief after Lazeren died. By the time that's done, the only two people left alive in the quarantine room are, surprise surprise, the two in the opening credits.

Everyone is sad. Except for some a-hole bartender. The end.

On Certain Other Shows, it'd be just about acceptable to introduce a new character and establish his relationship with one of the regulars by having the new guy call the regular by his first name. It seems strangely out of place here.

I can't really say that much positive about the episode itself, since the plague comes out of nowhere and is resolved by the time the episode ends. The arc stuff is nicely worked in, though. Sheridan and Delenn are getting bored by each other's customs to know each other better. Keffer's obsessed with whatever he saw in hyperspace. Franklin's addicted to stims.

Sneaking a peak at my episode guide, this is the last "standalone" of Season 2, so "meh" is kind of acceptable. It has to remind you of where the characters are in their relationships with themselves and each other (and if I ever have to write a phrase as full of philosophical vomit as that, please take away my internet connection). It does that. Meh.

If EA wants ideas for Mass Effect 4

Make it a prequel. Options include:

Rachni Wars
Krogan Rebellions
The Morning War
You Are Urdnot Wrex

Omega

In honor of this week's DLC, here's a track from the best Iron Maiden album Iron Maiden didn't make.

Omega Review

The first thing to say is that this is an obvious attempt to make Lair of the Shadow Broker, Part 2.

You have the asari you met in the previous game who spends the entirety of this game lounging around in the most decadent part of the explorable galaxy suddenly deciding to get off her blue butt and kick some. She's all "revenge, revenge, revenge," and it's up to you whether to support her all the way through or not.

The second thing to say is that the attempt to make Lair of the Shadow Broker, Part 2 was an abject failure.

Shadow Broker was personal, funny, epic. Omega was none of these things. And ironically, the very thing that I'd badly wanted to show up in Mass Effect 3 (getting to re-visit a location from the previous game and see it torn to shreds by the war) was undermined by the fact that I just didn't recognize a few stretches of brown hallway.

On the subject of things from the previous games, how the hell come Harrot suddenly looks extraordinarily different?

And on the subject of things being obviously phoned in, Aria's first speech is so full of glitches that it's just impossible to imagine I just paid $15 for this.

Full review below the jump (because my blog has jumps now! I'm so professional) but as a reminder, here's how all the ME1, 2, and 3 DLC (that I've played) stacks up (note: the rubric I used takes cost into account.  That's why Zaeed is so high).

Shadow Broker
Leviathan
Zaeed
Overlord
Bring Down the Sky
Omega
From Ashes
Kasumi
Arrival