A man must beg a pardon for the slow update schedule.
In Winterfell, Bran has a dream. Get used to this dream. You'll be seeing it a few more times. A three-eyed crow is leading him down into the crypts. He wakes up, and the mythical Pokemon Hodor carries him downstairs to say hi to Tyrion, who has designed a contraption for Bran to ride around with a little more dignity. Pretty nice for the guy who supposedly tried to assassinate Bran, yes?
Before he leaves, Tyrion talks to Theon and we finally get his backstory. It'll be important next season, but basically Theon's a glorified hostage so his father doesn't try to start another rebellion.
Next up, we're at the Wall. A brave and noble protagonist is given a fat, cowardly sidekick named Samwell. How original! Sam was kicked up north because his dad thought he was less than worthless. Specifically, Samwell's options were "go to the Wall" or "suffer a hunting accident." Hey! What other fat idiot could possibly suffer a hunting accident on this show?
I'm gonna pause right here and go on a little bit of a rant: how the hell did this not happen to Tyrion? Until the second book, Tyrion's skill set appears to consist of Mouthing Off At People and Spending Daddy's Money. The only Lannister who cares at all about him is Jaime, and it's not like he gets any say in family policy. So don't tell me that Tyrion didn't get shipped off to the Wall because Tywin Lannister cares about the Imp. You might be thinking that Tywin keeps him around because he needs a male heir and Jaime disqualified himself when he joined the Kingsguard, but I certainly don't get the impression Tywin is even considering turning Casterly Rock over to Tyrion (update: they specifically have this conversation in A Storm of Swords and yeah, Tyrion ain't getting the Rock). So that's out.
Anyway...
So the other boys are mean to Sam until Jon makes them be nice, with an assist from an ever-growing direwolf. Alliser Thorne, the meanie-head that every military unit in fiction has, continues to make unkind comments about Sam and the recruits' chances of not dying horribly when winter finally gets here. What a cheerful man.
Meanwhile over in the desert, Viserys and Doreah have sex and talk about things. Dany and Jorah do not have sex, but they also talk about things. We learn that the Targaryens used to ride dragons, a few of said dragons' names, the Iron Throne is made of swords because why not, the Dothraki are not about to cross the sea because they fear water, Viserys is never going to conquer the Seven Kingdoms, and Jorah used to sell slaves. Later on, Viserys throws another hissy fit and Dany smacks him with a golden belt or something. Good times all around.
Down in King's Landing, Sansa gets a look at the place where her grandfather and uncle were brutally murdered, but she's looking at the Iron Throne. You know, that place where the first boy she pops out will one day sit.
Eddard discovers that Jon Arryn was reading up on genealogy right before he died. He also discovers that Cersei, Varys and Littlefinger have littered one specific garden with spies. "No, My Lady, the Hand did not come through today. Nothing to report." Littlefinger tells Ned to send a flunky to talk to Ser Hugh, but Ser Hugh will not talk to flunkies. Convenient, that. Then Ser Hugh jousts in a tourney and takes a lance to the neck. Also convenient, that.
Finally, Tyrion stops at an inn. So does Cat. Continuing her streak of tactical brilliance, Cat decides to ask a bunch of sellswords to take the the son of the richest man in the Seven Kingdoms hostage. The episode ends.
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