How did it come to this?

This is me trying to be objective about the Republican front-runners. It shouldn't be too hard to go check my older posts and see which way I'm leaning.

A year and a half ago, right after the 2010 midterms, if you'd told me that in 2012 the Republican primary would be down to a multimillionaire who's apparently afraid to release his taxes, can't sound sincere to save his life, and runs away from every part of his one term as a governor except the part where he implemented the fore-runner to ObamaCare on one hand, and a populist megalomaniac who has lived in Washington DC for the last 33 years, has literally promised voters the moon, and couldn't represent family values if he tried on the other, I'd have laughed at you.*

"No, silly," I'd have said. "Look at the Tea Party! We're going to get a bona fide fiscal and social conservative, a bona fide anti-establishment outsider..."

Well, there's no point in going overboard with this thought experiment. Eventually, either Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich will win the nomination and we'll be stuck with them for the rest of the campaign, and if we're very, very lucky, for the next four years.

*I should point out that this extremely long sentence is at least partially hyperbole. I'm dumbing things down and being mean to both candidates in order to make a point.

Under absolutely no circumstances should anyone else get in the race. It's too late. You had your chance. You were reluctant to jump in before, you're way behind the others in terms of fundraising and organization, and you'll simply never overcome inertia. Sorry, Tea Party. Your options are now between Mitt Romney, the guy who governed like a liberal but now at least pays lip service to federalism and has a strong business record, or Newt Gingrich, a man so keen to grab the Reagan mantle that he'll trample over Reagan's 11th commandment, a man who is the absolute definition of "the establishment" no matter what his cheerleaders want you to think, and a man who, again, has literally promised voters the moon. That part was not hyperbole. Newt Gingrich wants to build a moon-base. Has he seen the national debt recently?

We all know that Caesar Obama cannot run on his record, mostly because his record smells like the aftermath of an Occupy protest. So he's going to run on class warfare, yes, but also on the notion that, as bad as his first term was (not that he'll use those words), a Romney or Gingrich presidency would be so much worse.

And both men have a ton of baggage, this is true. Romney's baggage is professional: RomneyCare (actually not a liability once he starts articulating the differences between it and ObamaCare), Bain Capital (ultimately, as The Wall Street Journal pointed out, did more good than harm), and, um... a strange reluctance to release tax records that show he gave 14% of his income to charity?

Hey, Mitt, who do you think you are, Barack Obama? You think you can hide something (like a birth certificate* or a college thesis) and pretend it's a non-issue? Because, um, you're not, and your opponent isn't the hapless John McCain either.

*Yes, Jennifer, Barack Obama has a birth certificate. Yes, he released it. Eventually. Not that he was in any way pressured by the media to do so, which is kind of my point.

My point, Mitt, is that we know you're rich. That's not a surprise. You paid more in taxes than most of us make in a year. Congratulations. You were born rich and you got richer, and that's in no way something to be ashamed of. The easiest way for you to make a non-issue out of your wealth is to not try and hide it. In fact, next time someone brings up your tax returns, point out that you gave 14% of your income to charity! That's impressive, and it pokes holes in the notion that the 1% (of which you are a member) are a bunch of greedy, self-interested pigs! (And if someone whines about how 14% isn't much, ask them how much of their income they gave to charity.) Point out that, in calling for the elimination of tax deductions, the president is declaring war on charity! Weave it in to an anti-big-government argument that people are dying to hear.

Newt's baggage is a mixture of both: he's got two divorces, which is personal, but he's been on the big-government side of more crazy schemes than I care to name.

Newt: call off the moon-base. Let's get that debt under control. In fact, reign in the crazy all around, and maybe get around to actually explaining to us why you supported a nationwide individual mandate, imposed at the federal level, back in the 90s but suddenly oppose it now. Like Romney's wealth, your messy personal life is old news; unlike Romney, you seem to have a firm grasp on how to deal with any Democrats who want to beat that dead horse. So good job there.

Oh, and don't threaten to stop attending debates if the audience can't cheer. Debates are what's keeping your campaign afloat. Your showstopping performace in South Carolina won you that state. So we know you're bluffing when you talk about walking away.