I had the pleasure of watching this one with my good friend Tom, who once upon a distant time wrote a post or two for this blog. It was the first time he'd seen it, so I've taken the luxury of adding a few of his comments throughout this review.
The Titanic crashes through the TARDIS just cuz, and then it's not the Titanic, it's the starship Titanic, because the people in charge of this interstellar cruise line know nothing about history and it's kind of funny. (I also noticed that the tour guide thinks that human beings worship "the great god Santa," a good three years before Steven Moffat put it in an episode and I made it a running gag in my reviews.)
All right, it's time to meet our cast of characters this time around. Tom's comments are highlighted.
Astrid Peth - serving wench in an outfit that, as I recall, caused quite a stir. First time any companion's shown any cleavage while Rusty was at the helm!
Two fat people - comic relief. Wow, they're fat and they're eating.
A rich jerk - Yup, he's rich, so he's a jerk, what a surprise.
The aforementioned tour guide - Aaaargh, something that reminds me of Revelation of the Daleks!
Bannakaffalatta - Mini-Satan! Awesome!
They go down to Earth, which they can do because everyone's evacuated London because bad stuff always happens on Christmas. Hey, they finally realized that. But the honeymoon doesn't last long because this is Doctor Who and we didn't come to see everything go perfectly right.
Asteroids hit the ship and everything goes to hell, and angels start killing people (so it's Tron now). The Doctor maneuvers his company through a clogged stairwell. Hey, make the fat people go last. Hey, the rich guy said it! Why do I always agree with the rich jerks? The angels (excuse me, "Host") do this thing where they say "Information" at the beginning of every sentence. Information: kill. Hey, I called it! Oh, please, let Mini-Satan take down at least one of these things. Then I will be satisfied.
Then they get to that big wobbly bridge over a pit of death, because every ship has to have a big wobbly bridge over a pit of death. It's either that or chompy crushy things. There was a distinct lack of big wobbly bridges over pits of death in the Mass Effect games, but they made up for that with lots of fire, a horde of bad guys, and limited cover.
Fat person #1 abruptly falls to his death. Holy crap. I did not see that coming. Bannakaffalatta self-destructs, murdering the crap out of all the nearby Host. I believe Tom actually punched the air at this point. Fat person #2 ties herself to the one remaining Host and jumps to her death. Man, they're dropping like flies.
So then the Doctor leaves the rich guy, the tour guide, and the serving wench to go fight the villain himself because the plot demands it. Come on, Doctor, you need some more cannon fodder. At least take the rich guy with you...
So he meets the villain, who owns the cruise line, except not, so he's destroying the ship and the planet Earth as a means of revenge. He comes across as an unsatisfactory mix of Doctor Evil and Davros, and so Astrid grabs a forklift (aw, nothing along the lines of "get away from her, you bitch") and shoves him into a big fiery pit of doom. Okay, you better get out now... Only the brakes are gone so Astrid tumbles in as well.
The Doctor does the usual day-saving routine, which Tom kind of bought. And then he turns Astrid's ghost into atoms and leaves the inept tour guide on the planet with a million pounds. The end.
Satisfying, but not spectacular.
6 out of 10.
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