House of the Dragon, Episode 1

 Look, I don't get paid the HBO bucks, I didn't go to the HBO School of Narrative Storytelling or the Miguel Sapochnik School of Proper Lighting, I just think it's a dumb dumb thing to remind everybody about the unmitigated awfulness that was Game Of Thrones Seasons 5-8. 

But, no, we're going to start the episode off tugging those nostalgia themes with the "Daenerys," "Iron Throne," and main Game of Thrones theme. Okay then. And we're going to end the episode-

No, no, let's do this one bizarre decision at a time. And fair warning: I've read the source material and we should all have some idea of where this is going: Game of Thrones Season 8 The Wars of the Roses The Anarchy no really just The Wars of the Roses Again.* So I consider everything up to King Viserys's death (which probably won't happen until near the end of this season) to be fair game to spoil. Who marries who, who has kids, etc. Not saying I'm going to lay out the entire thing in this post, but I could do that in a future one.

*Okay, I'm lying, it is the Anarchy, but boy oh boy are they trying to head-fake you into thinking its War of the Roses again.

So right off the bat there are two significant changes to the source material, and I can guess at the reasoning for both of them. First, Rhaenys (see Anne de Mortimer), rather than her son Laenor Velaryon (see Richard, Third Duke of York - I told you they're head-faking you into thinking it's the Wars of the Roses again*), is the Other Major Claimant To Succeed Jaehaerys Who Is Not Viserys Targaryen. And you know why they did this: gurrrrll power, baby!

*The Wars of the Roses, abridged version: King Edward III had a bunch of sons. Because Edward's grandson Henry IV usurped Henry's cousin Richard II, the crown abruptly passed from the descendants of Edward's first son to the descendants of his third (the Lancasters). Much later, some descendants of the second son - through the female line, uh-oh - argued that they had a better claim (they (the Yorks) were also descended from the fourth son through the male line; the only thing more twisted than Richard III's spine was his family tree**). Much bloodshed ensued, and the crown eventually wound up in the hands of a pseudo-Lancastrian guy whose claim descended through both a woman and a bastard (see: Snow, Jon). It was either that or put a woman on the throne (putting her sex to one side, she was the daughter of one of the Yorkist kings and the niece of another, so that was obviously a nonstarter - although they did marry her to the victor to unite the two sides of the family tree, eurgh). (Actually, funny story: according to one historian, when Henry Tudor became Henry VII, there were seventeen other living people with better claims - including his own wife-to-be.)

**How bad did it get? Richard III's wife, Anne Neville, was his cousin once removed via Joan Beaufort (his maternal grandmother); also his third cousin once removed via Edward III through Richard of Conisburgh (his paternal grandfather); and also his fourth cousin twice removed via Edward III through Anne Mortimer (his paternal grandmother). Thank Christ they didn't have kids, even if Henry Tudor was a usurper with no legitimate claim*** due to the aforementioned bastardry. Oh, wait, Henry Tudor married Richard's niece Elizabeth of York, who would also have been related to him three different ways. And their descendants include every subsequent English monarch.

***on the English throne, at any rate; being a legitimate grandson of Catherine of Valois (who married Owen Tudor after the death of her first husband, one Henry V), he had some claim on the French throne (Catherine being the daughter of Charles VI of France). As to why Henry Tudor had no legitimate claim on the English throne: his claim derived not from his descent from Henry V's widow, but from his great-grandfather John Beaufort, one of John of Gaunt's many bastards (John of Gaunt being the third son of Edward III and the father of Henry IV). Henry IV legitimized all his half-siblings so they could serve at court... but also explicitly barred them from the royal succession.

The other change is that Rhaenyra is now the same age as Alicent Hightower instead of being 10 years younger, so they can do the "childhood friends turned bitter rivals" thing, oh yay - can't wait to see if they keep the "Brothel Queen" anecdote because it's Just So Edgy. Yeah, go look that one up, schmuck.

This change kind of screws up the timeline, though. As a knock-on effect, Queen Aemma dies in 112 instead of 105. By 112 in the source material, Viserys's second wife has already given him three children. And given that these children are going to be fighting in a war that lasts from 129 to 131, how far can you fudge their ages?

It gets worse, and here again I'm going to drop the SPOILER warning, so turn back now if you want to go in completely unspoiled, but in the source material, Viserys is only 11 years older than Alicent (who is 17 in 105 and 24 in 112). Paddy Considine, on the other hand, is a whopping 30 years older than Emily Carey. Yikes. (The "good" news is that he's "only" 20 years older than Olivia Cooke, who will be playing Alicent after the time skip.)

Can we just stop and appreciate that even amidst all the Gurrllll Power the show insists on shoveling at us, we're determined to not put any women (or female-presenting nonbinary actxrs) over the age of 30 on screen? No, no, I see the hypocrisy. You can't hide it behind the Eleventh Doctor's ass. (First The Crown, now this; what is it with Matt Smith showing his bottom in high-profile shows?) 

Okay, I'm diving headfirst into the "sub"text, so let's address the producer's laughable contention that the C-section scene (which was certainly filmed well before this summer) was some sort of statement about the work of constitutional vandalism that is Roe v. Wade. Actually I've said about all I need to say about that, but consider the way it's presented, particularly the "inside the episode" bit after the episode (HBO, why? Let your art speak for itself). The options as presented to Viserys are:

1. Let both your wife and your son die
2. Try to save your son at the expense of your wife

There is no option 3. In both scenarios, your wife dies. The only question is, do you try to save your son?

Okay, let's blaze through the rest of this. 

• I'm here for Matt Smith, who I originally thought was the most epic piece of miscasting since The Actor Adam Driver as Vader Junior in the Star Wars shitquels, a thought that lasted approximately four seconds into his first scene. I remember reading the events of this story in Fire & Blood and thinking "well, gosh, this Daemon guy's pretty much the most important character in the story, who'd they get to play him? ...oh, the guy who was Doctor Who when I started losing interest? Uh, okay." I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong, and god enough to not have to do so often.
• The actual MVP is Milly Alcock, which is gonna make us sad when the time skip rolls around.
• Wait, Paddy Considine was one of the Andys in Hot Fuzz? Fook mi. I knew he was the "Do not defy me" concert producer from The Death of Stalin, which as far as I'm concerned made him a perfect choice for this role (when are they gonna shoehorn Jason Isaacs in here?)
• Yup, Corlys Velaryon is now Black. It being a rather significant plot point that his grandkids don't look like their father, I'm not sure they've thought this all the way through, but Steve Toussaint is owning the role so far.
• It's been three-and-a-half years since Thrones ended and Miguel Sapochnik, the hack who brought us "The Battle of the Bastards" and "The Long Night," still hasn't learned how to competently direct an action scene.
• Yes, the tourney theater is shaped like a vagina. No, it's not clever.