Apparently one or two people in Russia are among the five or six people who have seen this blog. Cool.
Wait, could they be the KGB?
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What to do if the KGB is after you: a comprehensive (and somewhat satirical) guide.
Step 1: hide.
This is less obvious than you would think. Statistically speaking, every person in every movie ever has chosen "run" as their option of choice when some sinister agency starts chasing them. This is a bad idea. There are many of them, and only one of you. Eventually you will tire/run out of gasoline.
Perhaps an even worse option is "fight," as you will also quickly run out of bullets and/or blood.
Instead, hide. You are already in one of the safest countries on the planet.
Corollary: if you are not in America, run. Alternatively, fight. It's amazing how poorly-armed most other countries are, due to their lack of a second amendment and misplaced fiscal priorities.
Corollary: if you are in America and are being chased by an American agency (that the KGB has obviously infiltrated, because there's no way Uncle Sam would deliberately hurt his own citizens like that), give up now. Make sure you have a lawyer - one can be provided for you - and a copy of the Bill of Rights - you can find one online easily enough. It will take years for your case to get to trial, and you can usually get a lighter sentence by ratting someone else. If you don't know anyone else to rat out, make up a name and say he lives in Minnesota (note: don't do this if you are currently being held in Minnesota).
Assuming that you have hidden well, proceed to step 2: wait.
This also is more difficult than it sounds, as anyone who has ever played a game of hide-and-seek knows. Eventually your enemy will give up and forget about you. And by give up and forget about you, I mean invade a nearby country. At this point, you can try to sneak over the border, preferably in the opposite direction.
As a general rule, while you're hiding, do not record video messages to your hunters. This only serves to remind them that you exist.
Corollary: if you are hiding from America, go ahead and do this. It will remind American citizens that their leaders suck at catching you. It may even get those leaders voted out of office. Of course, those leaders might be replaced by someone more competent, but that's what you get for hiding from America in the first place.
If your hunters are particularly dogged, proceed to step three: run a betting pool on when you'll be caught. The winner keeps half the pot; the other half goes to your defense fund. And by "defense fund," I mean the purchase of body armor and automatic weapons. Again, I can't recommend you do this in America.
Statistically speaking, you are more likely to survive a shootout with American forces if you do not initiate one. Also, killing Americans is unpatriotic. However, as any videogame ever has taught us, you are more likely to survive a shootout with foreigners if:
a) you are wearing power armor
b) your enemies adopt a habit of hiding behind explosive barrels
c) you can carry and proficiently use all of the following without breaking a sweat: two machine guns, two pistols, a shotgun, a rocket launcher, several grenades, ammunition, and a crowbar
As one final bit of videogame-related advice, I would recommend you look up often.
If you do get caught in a shootout and survive, you can try step 4: fake your own death. You can do this in one of two ways.
Procedure 1: become proficient at suspending all of your vital functions (heart rate, breath, body temperature) without actually dying. Become proficient at breaking out of a coffin. Wait.
Procedure 2: find a body that looks kind of like yours. Put your clothes on it. Since Americans think all foreigners of the same race look alike, it stands to reason that all foreigners think Americans look alike. Problem solved. Of course now you're running around stark naked, but you can always pretend to be a killer robot from the future. Or you could, you know, take the corpse's clothes.
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