State of the Ego

First off, blah blah excuse for not posting this week after two weeks of semiregular posts. Hey, I'm still way, way ahead of my December record.

Anywho, my fellow Americans, the state of the Union is pretty bad. But there's good news: I am awesome. It is you who have failed. For example, the stimulus that lined my cronies' pockets? I've appointed a special investigation to prove that that was your fault. Likewise the Ft. Hood shooting, the attempted Detroit bombing - those are your fault too. They have to be. Let me be clear: I am just too awesome to be responsible. And that earthquake in Haiti, a country bent over backwards by just the sort of government I'd like to apply here, well, that was a great tragedy and a chance for me to one-up my predecessor.

Hey, speaking of him, I've more than doubled the deficit since taking office, but that's still his fault, too.

See, nothing can be my fault, because I am awesome. For example, I'm so awesome that I'm going to antagonize Justice Kennedy and reveal my complete lack of understanding about how the Supreme Court can be overruled all in one breath. I was supposedly a constitutional scholar at one point, but I also supposedly spent time in the twilight of my predecessor's term gearing up to "hit the ground running," and that's simply not true. I just needed time to... er... uh, would... (fix that teleprompter please)... thank you. Let me be clear. The Presidency has a steep learning curve. Never mind all that "hit the ground running" stuff, there was still stuff I didn't know. Bush's fault. His vice-president is attacking every decision I make and that's just mean.

For example, in the past year I've decided to try a war criminal in a civilian court more or less next door to the scene of his greatest atrocity. A little while later we decided to begin installing full-body scanners in more airports. Let me be clear: we believe firmly that every foreign terrorist deserves full Constitutional protection, but lawful US citizens don't have a right to privacy. I'm sure the Supreme Court can stretch the right to privacy to allow both abortions and fully-body scanners, though. They owe me.

Let's see, next year. Despite voters in Massachusetts sending us a clear message, we're doubling down on the most liberal agenda in history, and that's change you can believe in. We're going to make health care more expensive for everyone except the 18% of you who don't have it. We're going to pass another stimulus to create or save another kazillion jobs and drown our grandchildren's grandchildren in economic servitude to China, all while unemployment continues to climb. We're going to antagonize our military some more both by tying their hands even tighter behind their backs and by trying to repeal "don't ask don't tell." All of this will make us less safe, healthy and financially stable, but it just might make the whole world love me, so it's worth it.

And that's what it's really about. That and my golf game.

Now let me be clear. It's going to be difficult to achieve this goal. Lots of you are probably going to be miserable. But I'm reaching out to Republicans in the Senate - which I have to do thanks to you selfish hypocrites in Massachusetts - to get "bipartisan" support for unpopular legislation. I'm calling on Republicans to spend more time in the political wilderness to get my socialist utopia started. Please ignore that it's working well for you as a political strategy, opposing every unpopular move I make, or to put it another way, opposing every move I make. This is about making me look good, and I need you to do that. Just as I needed the support of the communist party in Illinois when I ran for that state's senator.

In order to bring about change, I flew off to Copenhagen to try to get other people to agree to take more of our money in exchange for "carbon credits" or some such. Unfortunately, the rest of the world failed. But not me. Second place isn't good enough for me. I want to be especially clear on this: there was no incident last year that seriously damaged the credibility of the scientific community. Anthropogenic Global Warming exists, and it is happening. Anyone who says otherwise has the credibility of a 9/11 truther. And let me be clear: even 9/11 truthers are too nutty for a job in my administration.

In conclusion let me talk about Afghanistan and Iraq. We'll be out of there soon enough. I'm not saying we'll lose, because we'll just leave. You can trust me.

I'm too important to fail.