Why I hate Kylo Ren: A Rant

So at this point it should be clear that I think that Disney's Weekend at Yoda's trilogy is worse than garbage. It is an abomination. It is like that one comic story where the villain brought a bunch of dead heroes back, except as evil, defiled zombies. (BTW, Blackest Night is excellent, READ IT.) Disney has murdered Star Wars and paraded its mutilated corpse around and demanded we pay them for the privilege of witnessing it all, or at least give them a thorough tongue-bath and pretend it's at least better than the prequels. Which it is not.

And there is nothing that infuriates me more than praise for The Actor Adam Driver (the words "The Actor" appearing by contractual obligation to remind us all what it is he's actually trying to do, although he was surprisingly good in Lincoln which only goes to show that he can, in fact, act when given proper writing and direction) and his character, Kylo Ren fuck that Kyle Ben fuck that Lord Hiltsaber fuck that Darth Wannabe no fuck that, we'll call him by his stupid made-up name. What the fuck is that? "Kylo" sounds like either a Space Lego or a bastardization of "caelo," the Latin for, I shit you not, "heaven." Okay, "caelo ren" would then conjure up imagery of splitting the heavens in two, which is badass as fuck, not that Kylo does anything of the sort, but only super-nerds would get that, and there's probably already a 40k character or weapon or ship or concept named Caelo Ren, because of course there is.

No, Rian, Force Flight is an abomination

SPOILERS for Disney's Weekend at Yoda's 2: The Next Cash-In

STAR WARS has a villain problem.

By Star Wars, I mean Disney's Star Wars, which is not Star Wars.

THE FLASH Season 2 got Wally West completely wrong

I have a lot of complaints about The Flash Season 2, mostly pertaining to Zoom and, well, everything about Zoom being a less-impressive ripoff of the Reverse-Flash. But I want to talk about Wally West today.

CRISIS ON EARTH-X review

Suck it, Drumpf.

BREAKING: WB MAKES FIRST INTELLIGENT MOVE SINCE DAWN OF JUSTICE CAME OUT

Joss Whedon has been fired from Batgirl.

WB has no idea what it wants. WB has no idea how to get it. WB has no idea what it's doing.

But it does know that this time, heads have to roll. They stand to lose $50-100m on Justice League, and... haha no they're not firing the studio head who mandated it be 2 hours long. They're firing the schmuck brought in to clean up their mess.

Stop with the Martyrdom of Zack Snyder already

Guys.

This is a bad look.

"If not for Joss Whedon, the film wouldn't have sucked."

Oh? By "sucked" do you mean "it did poorly" or "it was bad?" Because those are two different things. And I'm just going to say it: Zack Snyder is not a critical darling, he's never going to get the praise he "deserves," and his films are never going to do as well as they "should."

"The studio interference-"

Stop it. I like Snyder, and even so I think he was laughably miscast as the director for some Superman movies. Yes, I get it, he likes making Big God Metaphors. But let's just compare the box office of some of Snyder's films against Marvel's Underpants Brigade, shall we? For funsies, I've added in the films of Christopher Nolan during that time period as well.

(There actually wasn't a Marvel Underpant movie in 2009, so I have to go with the closest release)

2008: The Incredible Hulk: $263m (Marvel)
2008: The Dark Knight: $1.005b (Nolan)
2009: Watchmen: $185m (Snyder)
2010: Inception: $826m (Nolan)

2011: Sucker Punch: $90m (Snyder)
2011: Thor 1: $499m (Marvel)
2012: The Dark Knight Rises: $1.085b (Nolan)

2013: Man of Steel: $668m (Snyder)
2013: Iron Man 3: $1.215b (Marvel)
2014: Interstellar: $675m (Nolan)

2016: Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice: $873m
2016: Captain America: Civil War: $1.153b

Again, Watchmen, the adaptation of THE MOST FAMOUS GRAPHIC NOVEL OF ALL TIME, did worse at the box office than the Marvel Underpant movie that was so awful they had to recast the lead.

The fact of the matter is, when you're making a Big Dumb Expensive Movie, you need to get butts in seats.

Zack Snyder does not do that.

His films are great for weirdos like me and the film nerd class. But he is wildly out of step with what the average popcorn-munching imbecile wants.

"Justice League" review, part 1: How Infirm a Foundation

I'm not even going to touch the film in this post. I'm just going to explain why it was utterly doomed.

A while back, I wrote "undercutting Snyder with the BvS theatrical cut was the single dumbest thing in this entire attempt at a cinematic universe." Well... no, it wasn't. But at that point, it was the worst thing you could have done.

"That point" being: you've already committed to piggybacking your Big Shared Universe onto Zack Snyder's "The Only Way This Jesus Metaphor Could Be Less Subtle Is If I Released The Film On Easter Weekend," a title only slightly less cumbersome than what the studio ultimately went with. The Extended Cut only softens the blow as to what a train wreck Dawn of Justice is. There is no amount of excess footage that can get around the following problems:

1. Mark Zuckerberg cosplaying as Lex Luthor pulls a goddamn piss prank at a Senate hearing.
2. Batman and Superman team up because their mothers have the same name.
3. Wonder Woman teams up with them because Batman sent her an email.

So I'm just going to come out and say it: using Zack Snyder as the vehicle for your attempt to take on the Marvel juggernaut was a strategic mistake even Napoleon wouldn't have made.

This Week in Comics: October 11, 2017

Let's dive in, kids.

We're looking at Oz Effect, A Lonely Place of Living, The Secret History of Task Force X, Bizarro Reborn, Manslaughter, and Metal this week.

So I'm reading SHATTERED

I'm not entirely sure who the book was written for. You can tell the authors have no love for the Republican Party or the current president. But at the same time, they're up-front about the fact that Hillary was her own worst enemy and her inability to convey why she was running was a huge handicap.

I do think the authors are both Hillary fans who are upset over her defeat, but, like the campaign itself, they can't really come up with a reason for her to have run aside from "it's her time." But there is a fair amount of interesting information in there, despite their pretty evident bias.

One thing the book doesn't touch on at all is the death of Justice Scalia and the role that played in the race. I remain convinced that if McConnell had folded on Garland, Trump would not have won. A great many traditional Republican voters would have stayed home, rather than reluctantly pull the lever for Trump on the off chance he could win.

Something I hadn't considered that the book touched on was the role Black Lives Matter played in Hillary's defeat. It was in part her pandering to that group that alienated working-class whites.

Bernie wasn't robbed: a theory

The theory goes that if only that Nasty Woman Hillary hadn't locked down the superdelegates, Comrade Bernito would have sailed easily to victory over Der Trumpenfuhrer.

This theory is... well, problematic. But let's leave that for another day. What I want to focus on is the argument, apparently, that Hillary locking down the superdelegates was some sort of foul underhanded play.

It assumes that this was cheating? I guess? Like the Electoral College, which apparently nobody knew about prior to Election Night 2016. The Democrat primary system was this arcane thing that nobody bothered to study.

Only... Bernie Sanders was running for the Democratic nomination. If he didn't study the rules, then he didn't, you know, do his homework.