I drove out to my South Bend digs today to move some stuff in for the fall (going to Notre Dame Law School). On the way out from the Chicago area, the radio plays this song. Not to be out-done, on the way back, about half a minute after I pass a truck belonging to one Thomas Stoner (yes, really), the radio plays this song (yes, really).
But the real story starts earlier on the return trip, when the engine suddenly starts screaming and going 6000 RPM. Yes, I blew the transmission. 120 miles from home.
The usual litany of curse words ran through my head, and as the final, filthy "taxes" echoed away into the roar of passing traffic, I called up a tow truck and buckled down for a nice long sink-Jim's-iPad-fund ride. (Because I'm going to be away for the next two weeks and don't want to leave my car in freaking Indiana,* I had to have it towed all the way back home.)
The truck driver was awesome. He told me a bunch of stories that I won't repeat here because, well, part of their hilarity depended on his delivery. But he's seen some pretty crazy stuff. And from now on I will never just slow down when I see a car on the side of the road; I will always get in the other lane.
*I have nothing against Indiana. At the risk of re-injecting politics into this blog, I can't wait to be the taxes out of Illinois and into a state that actually seems to have a few IQ points in its government. But leaving it there would force me to either use my mom's steers-like-a-cow car, or my dad's car.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Questions I still have regarding the ending of Mass Effect
...Oh, wait, did you think I meant questions I had with the ending to Mass Effect 3? No, this is Mass Effect 1, the original "glowy hologram shows up and explains a bunch of things that, when taken together, make the complete opposite of sense." Here are some pretty obvious questions I have from the end of 1:
Where was Sovereign during your mission to Ilos? Since Ilos is apparently a super-important part of Saren's plan, why wasn't it there, shooting the Normandy's face off? (And don't tell me the Normandy's stealth system kept it hidden. Mass Effect 2 reveals that the Collectors - working for the Reapers - have no problems finding the Normandy.)
Why did the Normandy go from Ilos to the Arcturus Sector? How did Joker know that he wouldn't have to pick up Shepard from Ilos? How did Joker know Shepard was on the Citadel? Did he read the script?
Come to think of it, remember on Feros where one dinky geth energy field was blocking your signal from the Normandy, which was a kilometer or so away? At the end of Mass Effect 1, Sovereign itself is parked maybe 50 feet above your head, and yet Joker can reach you from the other side of the galaxy just fine. Did he upgrade the systems after what happened on Feros?
If the whole point of the Conduit was to get the Prothean survivors from Ilos to the Citadel, how was there a corresponding Mass Relay (the monument) already on the Citadel? If it wasn't there before the survivors arrived, how did the Prothean survivors get there, and why did they construct it after they'd already gotten there?
Why did the Protheans need the Conduit to get back to the Citadel if the Reapers had already left? (Or did they build the Conduit to get back and forth quickly between the Citadel and Ilos, and if so, why?)
If Sovereign’s whole plan was to use the Conduit to get to the Citadel, why didn't Saren just make up some Spectre-ey excuse to go poking through the Citadel's control panel while he was there? Barring that, since Sovereign is capable of blowing through the Citadel defense fleet, molesting the Citadel Tower, and disgorging a crapton of cannon fodder to slow Shepard down, why didn't Saren just ride in on Sovereign? Why did he need the Conduit at all?
You might think that an answer to the previous question is, "Sovereign needed Saren to be on the Citadel to keep the arms open long enough for Sovereign to dock during the attack." But then, why did Saren need to attack the Citadel? It's not like the Council thought Saren was a bad guy until Shepard revealed that he attacked Eden Prime, which he only did to find the Conduit, which I just established he never needed in the first place. Instead of that complicated half-assed plan, he could have just said "hey, this is my new ship. I need a vector and a berth." They'd have been like "okay, cool." I mean they're already cool with him having a geth arm, apparently no questions asked about that. Then just park Sovereign at the Citadel for a couple of months until everyone who matters is Indoctrinated, and then have them let the Reapers in. I guess Indoctrination really does make you more dumberer.
And finally: how did Sovereign find out about the Conduit? At some point, it had to have formulated something along the lines of the plan I just outlined above, because it didn't know of the Conduit's existence. But once it found out about the Conduit, it decided that using it would make more sense...? Huh? What?
In conclusion, anyone who thinks that the Mass Effect 3 ending is bad because it throws too much Stuff That Don't Make No Sense at you at the last minute clearly has not been paying attention to the previous games.
Where was Sovereign during your mission to Ilos? Since Ilos is apparently a super-important part of Saren's plan, why wasn't it there, shooting the Normandy's face off? (And don't tell me the Normandy's stealth system kept it hidden. Mass Effect 2 reveals that the Collectors - working for the Reapers - have no problems finding the Normandy.)
Why did the Normandy go from Ilos to the Arcturus Sector? How did Joker know that he wouldn't have to pick up Shepard from Ilos? How did Joker know Shepard was on the Citadel? Did he read the script?
Come to think of it, remember on Feros where one dinky geth energy field was blocking your signal from the Normandy, which was a kilometer or so away? At the end of Mass Effect 1, Sovereign itself is parked maybe 50 feet above your head, and yet Joker can reach you from the other side of the galaxy just fine. Did he upgrade the systems after what happened on Feros?
If the whole point of the Conduit was to get the Prothean survivors from Ilos to the Citadel, how was there a corresponding Mass Relay (the monument) already on the Citadel? If it wasn't there before the survivors arrived, how did the Prothean survivors get there, and why did they construct it after they'd already gotten there?
Why did the Protheans need the Conduit to get back to the Citadel if the Reapers had already left? (Or did they build the Conduit to get back and forth quickly between the Citadel and Ilos, and if so, why?)
If Sovereign’s whole plan was to use the Conduit to get to the Citadel, why didn't Saren just make up some Spectre-ey excuse to go poking through the Citadel's control panel while he was there? Barring that, since Sovereign is capable of blowing through the Citadel defense fleet, molesting the Citadel Tower, and disgorging a crapton of cannon fodder to slow Shepard down, why didn't Saren just ride in on Sovereign? Why did he need the Conduit at all?
You might think that an answer to the previous question is, "Sovereign needed Saren to be on the Citadel to keep the arms open long enough for Sovereign to dock during the attack." But then, why did Saren need to attack the Citadel? It's not like the Council thought Saren was a bad guy until Shepard revealed that he attacked Eden Prime, which he only did to find the Conduit, which I just established he never needed in the first place. Instead of that complicated half-assed plan, he could have just said "hey, this is my new ship. I need a vector and a berth." They'd have been like "okay, cool." I mean they're already cool with him having a geth arm, apparently no questions asked about that. Then just park Sovereign at the Citadel for a couple of months until everyone who matters is Indoctrinated, and then have them let the Reapers in. I guess Indoctrination really does make you more dumberer.
And finally: how did Sovereign find out about the Conduit? At some point, it had to have formulated something along the lines of the plan I just outlined above, because it didn't know of the Conduit's existence. But once it found out about the Conduit, it decided that using it would make more sense...? Huh? What?
In conclusion, anyone who thinks that the Mass Effect 3 ending is bad because it throws too much Stuff That Don't Make No Sense at you at the last minute clearly has not been paying attention to the previous games.
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