Windows 7

Windows XP was the culmination of years of hard work striving towards total perfection. There is not a single thing about that operating system that I'd change, partly because I've been using it every day for something like eight years, and partly because I honestly can't think of a single flaw.

Having completed the masterpiece that is Windows XP, Bill Gates and friends must have busted out the booze and never put it away because their subsequent efforts have been jokes. I spent five minutes with Windows 7 today and I already hate the thing.

Me: So, I'd like to open this picture file and then print it.

Windows 7: Sure thing! I'll just open that picture and a few others that were recently opened using this program you've never heard of.

Me: Fair enough, my laptop is something like eight years old and there's bound to be a few technology changes since then to make things easier. I still don't have a lightsaber, for example. I'll just click on the picture now so you know I want to deal with my picture and not the others you randomly opened.

W7: 'kay! Did it! Look how the picture now fills most of the screen!

Me: That's nice. I'd like to see some controls so I can, y'know, print the thing.

W7: They're all down there, at the bottom.

Me: What, those unlabeled things?

W7: Did you notice how there are more pictures you can open, and how the thumbnails to open those pictures are right behind some of the buttons?

Me: I don't care about the other pictures. Where's the print button?

W7: Oh, it's over here, under "other options."

Me: Let me get this straight. You expect me to resize, rotate, and crop pictures using what was on XP primarily a program for printing pictures, but you don't expect printing said pictures to be a priority?

W7: Funny you should mention pictures! There are some nice ones over here!

Me: Just print the damn thing.

W7: Okay! Now, I'm going to assume you want your picture as big as possible, margins be damned.

Me: Er, no, please make the picture as big as you can while still printing all of it and keeping the proportions right.

W7: Spoilsport. How many copies would you like?

Me: 30.

W7: 2, 3, 4, 5...

Me: What are you doing?

W7: I don't have a field for you to type in the number of copies. You have to manually push this button here to increase the number of copies.

Me: That's bloody stupid.

W7: I know it's the greatest idea ever! That way people don't type in extra zeroes by mistake and waste paper!

Me: Yes, they can use that paper instead to write an instruction manual for you. I'm twenty-one years old and you're making me feel like a senile old fart!

W7: Well, I've finally reached 30, but since you kept pushing the button while I was marching slowly forward, I'm going to keep increasing that number until it equals the number of clicks!

Me: I assumed-

W7: Well you're an idiot.

Me: Clearly.

W7: All right. I will now print 30 copies.

Me: Hang on, some girl wants to print off her paper. Since the printer's going so slowly and because I'd expect the same in her position, why don't we cancel that print job?

W7: ...

Me: Wait, where the hell's the printer thingy? Why the hell would you move the printer thingy from the bottom-right corner! Wait a minute... unclear buttons, obfuscating interface, nothing where you expect it to be... you're a goddamn Mac, aren't you?

W7: What? No! Of course not! Look, here's where you find the printer control.

Me: That makes perfect sense... on a Mac.

W7: Don't leave me! I can change! I can be anything you want!

Me: I already have that, thanks. Granted, it only has 2 gigs of free space left on its drive, but at least I know where the goddamn printer thingy is.