The 100 Greatest Albums of All Time

In my bored adventures of Desperately Staving Off Boredom in a Non-Homework Related Way, I stumbled across a list Time Magazine compiled 4 years ago of the... well, read the title.

And it's wrong. It's so hilariously wrong it's not even funny despite the use of the word "hilarious" just 5 words before the word "funny." Which means of course that I get to use this as a springboard for a massive, epic, and entirely too self-referential rant.

First off, this is wrong. No, I'm not saying Master of Puppets shouldn't be on there, but look at the first sentence. "Their next album would be the glossy, gazillion-selling breakthrough..." would have to read "Their next album would be a tragically undermixed, bass-less retread of everything one of their rivals did, and the next album after that would be a glossy, gazillion-selling sellout..." in order to be accurate.

Also Pink Floyd isn't on it. I'm sorry, but any list of great albums that does not contain a Pink Floyd album is simply wrong. What, did you have a quota? A set number of albums that had to go to rap "music" or crappy pop bands? I know music taste is subjective, but you put some criminally overhyped and undersold albums on there and couldn't find room for a legitimate masterpiece like The Dark Side of the Moon, which only stayed on the charts for a measly 14 years? I know rock critics must by definition have a love affair with the Beatles and Bob Dylan, and must genuflect at the altar of "Stairway to Heaven," but come on.

It's people like you that cause hype backlash against artists like the Beatles and Dylan. By overhyping them at the expense of undeniably better albums, you're not winning any friends among the classic rock snobs... and by putting stupid cookie-cutter pop albums on the list and overlooking albums like Dark Side, you're still alienating the classic rock snobs. What, not a single member of your staff was born in the late 50s? I don't understand how your interpretation of music history could go "Everything the Beatles did was holy and awesome, and then after they broke up there was a musical black hole broken up only by sporadic blips on the radar like 'Stairway to Heaven' before the Sex Pistols destroyed the concept of production quality, Michael Jackson destroyed the concept of musical sanity, and Slayer destroyed the concept of 'heavy enough.' Oh, and then Nirvana destroyed the concept of good music except they didn't." Well, of course it doesn't. You've somehow deluded yourselves into thinking that Nevermind is more important than Dark Side, but I maintain that the only reason anyone actually remembers that album today is a) because self-indulgent trendsetters like you have a skewed music taste and b) because Cobain's dead.

So you're not doing him any favors by promoting his album of whining over a legitimate masterpiece (The Wall was whining too, but at least it yielded a truly epic guitar solo). I don't care because I don't like him. I do like the Beatles, which makes your overhyping of them annoying, because you're not doing them any favors. Revolver, Rubber Soul, Sgt. Pepper, White Album, and Abbey Road? What, did each editor get to pick their favorite Beatles album? Under what definition except "legacy act" is the album that gave us "Wild Honey Pie" a better album than the one that gave us "Highway to Hell?"

Full disclosure: Highway to Hell is not on the list and that's as it should be, because the title track is really the only thing anyone remembers off that album. Nevertheless, I would be willing to bet you money that "Highway to Hell" gets more radio play each day (and is known by more guitarists) than all the songs off The White Album combined. Perhaps a better question would be why five Beatles albums made the list but only one Zeppelin album did.

Perhaps what the next "journalist" who wants to "compile" a list of the "greatest" albums of all time should limit himself to no more than one album per artist. After all, one of the most interesting things I found about that list was that The Black Album wasn't on it. That's as it should be. Metallica were perfectly represented by the far superior Master of Puppets. AC/DC got Back in Black, which does them a perfect service.

In fact, I would like to see a list of great albums, again only one per band, that deliberately excludes the stuff you always hear on the radio. Metallica would be represented by Ride the Lightning, Led Zeppelin by Presence (I cannot be the only person who absolutely loves that album), Pink Floyd by Wish You Were Here, Iron Maiden by Powerslave, and AC/DC by If You Want Blood. Some may say it's a live album and therefore cheating. I say it's still infinitely better than anything made in my lifetime.

Also, shame on you, the reader, for not noticing that in the second paragraph I said "It's so hilariously wrong" and then said I used the word "hilarious." Well done.