Previously on A Blog Of Thrones, we finally got past the extended prologue and into the opening credits, where we met pretty much every minor character (no, not even by a long shot) and ate a bunch of food. This time, Westeros's least competent detective continues bumbling through the plot.
Ned and Barristan examine Ser Hugh's body. Ned wants Hugh's armor sent back home with him even though he didn't finish paying for it, the commie. That's okay. For all its backstabbing politicking, the books don't have much in the way of real politics - bills shoved through in the dead of the night, endless scandals ignored because the ostensible ruler belongs to the right political party, a laughable failure of a health care overhaul propped up by a dinosaur media. Actually a dictatorship's not looking that bad in comparison. I was making a point before descending into knee-jerk conservatism and it was this: given that Ned is supposed to be inept at politics in a series not really about politics, it comes as no surprise that he doesn't understand economics either.
There's a bit with a serving man with a goose. Odd detail. Must be a spy. Keep an eye on this character. I bet his secretly Benjen, Daario, and Jaqen. They pass a bunch of sigils. One's a blackadder, one word, I saw what you did there George.
Robert still wants to fight in the melee. I'm for it. If Robert gets killed in the melee, Joffrey takes the throne unchallenged, Stannis whines about it for a bit, everyone goes home happy. Dammit Ned you ruined everything. The king's too fat for his armor. Go find Ser Aron Santagar. What's he going to do, shove the king into a squisher? Give them a breastplate stretcher, apparently. Or rather, send them off to the last guy he loaned the stretcher to, Ser Snype Hunt. Having amused himself confounding random Lannisters, Robert waves off the whole "surrounded by members of a crazy ambitious family" thing. That's for the guys who actually run the kingdom to worry about, guys like whatsisface, Stark, that's him. Supposed to be the POV for this chapter, as I recall. Barristan's the one who actually figures out how to get Robert to back down. Seems like Selmy's the one with the brains. Why can't we have him be a POV character? Outside of A Volume of Nothing, I mean.
Robert does something remarkable. Says, "I sit on the [iron throne]." (Emphasis added.) Savor that word, "on." It disappears from its place after "sit" pretty much every time "sit" comes up again. "Too fat to sit a horse." "He sat the iron throne." Etc.
Robert reveals that he's only King now because he has the best claim and also that Cersei is frigid. And that the only thing keeping him from giving up the crown is the thought of Joffrey on the throne with Cersei whispering in his ear. Having seen Cersei's idea of rulership in A Feast For Crows, I'm forced to agree with him.
And then, in amidst Robert's reminiscences: Loras Tyrell has, according to Renly, a sister. Plot point!
Back to the tourney. The Hound unhorses the Kingslayer. Hey, the Hound, the Mountain, the Knight of Flowers, the Kingslayer. How to win a tournament: have a nickname. Mountain versus Flowers. Loras cheats, the ponce. Can't blame him, honestly. Actually, cheating against Gregor "I'm going to rape and murder you simply because nobody told me not to" Clegane takes more balls than most people in this series have. Hey, Gregor's supposed to be due to be married a third time. This never comes up again in a later book, George R R Martin Is A Hack This Series Is Ruined Wah Wah.
The archery competition is won by a guy named Anguy, which the TV show pronounces "an-guy" but which I always read as "ain-gwee." I blame the French. Anyway I'm sure we'll never hear from this guy again. Neither will we hear from the melee winner, Thoros of Myr.
Ned has some doubts about Syrio Forel's teaching style, so he's not a completely useless parent after all. He briefly considers asking someone else to take over training Arya. Jory, or Barristan Selmy. Hey, Ned, why don't you ask Jaime Lannister and then watch his reaction very carefully? No? Ah well.
Ned sits in his study and fails for basically an entire page to put two and two together vis a vis Gendry and Joffrey and the hair color thereof. He's interrupted by Varys, in disguise. Add Varys to the list of people who might have been masquerading as "man with a goose" earlier in this chapter. Anyway, Varys, Mister I'm-All-For-The-Realm-And-Stability insists to Ned that the Lannisters were trying to get Robert killed in the melee. As if Cersei understands reverse psychology.
Ned keeps asking questions: "What was Lord Jon killed for?" Why, asking questions, you tosspot.
Over and out.
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